The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.17.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.17.91

Not sure if anyone else was a Simpsons Tapped Out addict like me, but after EA shut it down a group of people has resurrected it with a new private server and removed all the pay-to-win crap.  You can load your old save and give yourself basically unlimited donuts and cash now.  It’s at https://teamtsto.org/ and it’s totally free and well worth a look. There’s a bit of work sideloading the app on IOS, I will say.

And so we come to the end of 1991 by finishing up where the project started a year ago.  Frankly I was getting sick of this year, and the ENDLESS build to Summerslam, anyway, and I’m ready to move onto something new.

Taped from Worcester, MA on 07.29.91

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Roddy Piper & Randy Savage

Meanwhile, on the Summerslam Spectacular, Jake Roberts takes Ultimate Warrior into his final test and then turns on him, unleashing a cobra from a little coffin and leaving Warrior for dead before revealing that Undertaker was behind the whole plan.

The Berzerker v. Dave Millison

Berzerker with a big boot as Savage clarifies that Jake has never been a friend of his and he never trusted him, ever.  Powerslam and Vince clarifies that Warrior will be at Summerslam and he’s been fully devenomized.  Frankly the snake wouldn’t stand a chance getting through all the other drugs he already had in his system in 1991 anyway.  And Berzeker tosses the jobber out for the countout at 2:00, with the poor guy taking an awkward bump onto his knees on the way down.

No Update segment this week?  OK then.

The Texas Tornado v. Pete Doherty

That’s weird, I thought Doherty had wrapped up his career by this point.  Kerry takes the Duke down and then hits him with armdrags while Macho clarifies that he invented fringes and he’ll be “prettier than the bride” for the wedding.  The honeymoon location is “None of Your Business, USA”, in case anyone wants to know.  Doherty gets some shots in the corner to the delight of the crowd, but Kerry puts the claw on him and finishes with the tornado punch at 2:42.

UPDATE!  WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

Not sure why they delayed the Update this week, but anyway the subject is Bobby Heenan, who claims that RIC FLAIR will be joining the WWF when his current contract expires.  So we get another interview with Bobby, who is still holding the Big Gold Belt and blowing the minds of teenage wrestling nerds everywhere.

Skinner v. Mario Mancini

It’s another bombshell debut after weeks of vignettes.  Skinner tosses the jobber out and we get an inset from him as well, where he talks about killing a bird.  Back in the ring, an inverted DDT finishes at 1:42.

The Legion of Doom v. Dwayne Gill & Barry Hardy

Talk about a dream match!  Animal with a dropkick on Hardy and a belly to belly, and Hawk comes in with the fistdrop as we get an inset from the Nasty Boys.  Over to Gill and Hawk hits him with a gut wrench and Animal comes in with a back elbow.  Powerslam as Gill nearly flies into the rafters taking the bump, and the Doomsday Device finishes at 3:07.  Meanwhile Piper goes on a rant about how Ric Flair needs to leave his belt back where he came from because it doesn’t mean anything in the WWF.  He probably should have left the belt back where he came from because it would have saved a lot of people a lot of legal bills.

SUMMERSLAM REPORT!  WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

One last rundown of the card, although Hogan is doing his promo solo because of Warrior being near death and all.

Jimmy Snuka v. The Brooklyn Brawler

Not sure why they’re still putting Snuka on TV at this point.  Snuka hits him with clotheslines and chops, and then ducks a clothesline and hits Brawler with a headbutt.  And the Superfly splash finishes at 2:45.

Mr. Perfect v. Mike Daniels

No way this match is going past one minute given that Perfect could barely walk due to his back injury.  Perfect slaps him around and tosses him to the floor and then takes the countout at 1:14.  They didn’t even make contact outside of the jobber taking his own bump, which is unsurprising.  Frankly it was a goddamn miracle that Perfect made it to Summerslam and put on a classic match on top of it.

NEXT WEEK:  The Natural Disasters!  Bret Hart!  Sgt. Slaughter!  Sid Justice has an interview!

And with that I say goodbye to 1991 and we will jump ahead four years and pick it up in January of 1995 next time.