The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.24.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.24.91

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN 07.19.25

Got a few requests for this one, since the Vault put it up today in advance of Summerslam 91. I actually do have the entire Superstars run but I’ll review the version posted to YouTube, which is the WWF 24/7 edit with “of Wrestling” blurred out on the banners and on commentary for legal reasons.

Also yes I saw the Savage-Lawler match they posted and I’m looking for a way to work it in somewhere soon.

Taped from Worcester, MA, on 07.29.91, drawing a “heavily papered 14,000” but still DAMN.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Macho Man & Roddy Piper

It’s the go-home show for Summerslam! Macho is a little bit jittery about his impending nuptials and Roddy eggs him on a bit.

Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat v. Jim McPherson

McPherson looks like a younger and thinner JYD. He slugs away on Dragon to start, but gets taken down with ARMDRAGS, each one more vicious than the last. And then Dragon slams him, goes up with the flying chops, and then finishes with the flying bodypress at 1:27 as Vince promises that they’ll have more fun at the PPV than they ever have before! Well a lot of babyfaces went over, that’s for sure. It was definitely a very fun show, so that is a plausible statement.

UPDATE! WITH YOUR HOST MEAN GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY COLISEUM VIDEO’S WORLD TOUR 91!

Yes, last week Jake the Snake finally convinced Ultimate Warrior to put all his faith and trust in him, and then turned on him and left him for dead thanks to a snakebite. Let’s face it, snake venom was probably the least poisonous thing Warrior injected into his blood back in the day. Part of me thinks that the story would have been way more effective if they had just had Warrior disappear right there instead of Summerslam. Hogan could have easily had Sid step in to replace him. Also we learn that in fact Snake and Undertaker have formed a shocking and deadly alliance. And then we get a promo from Jake, as he tells a story about a rabbit who comes upon an injured snake in the road and takes it back to his den, but the snake warns him not to do that. So the rabbit takes the snake home and nurses it back to health, and then one day the snake eats the rabbit. Because he’s a snake! And he told the rabbit that! Gene’s take: It wasn’t about money, it was just because Jake is a sick demon who enjoys the suffering of others. Wait, so he’s a Republican?

Sgt. Slaughter v. Bill Pierce

Slaughter is impressively lean here compared to how fast he bulked up again after his babyface turn. Slaughter with a gutbuster and a double stomp and we get an inset promo from Sarge as well, as he talks about “The Immortal Slime”. He has a NAME. It’s “orange gaslighting son of a bitch”, so be respectful of it. Sarge backdrops Pierce out of the corner and puts him down with a lariat, and then hits another gutbuster and goes up to finish with a double stomp that literally misses by a foot, and then the camel clutch at 2:42. Why would you use the shot of the move from behind like that? It totally exposed the miss.

Oh hey, let’s take a look at the cover of Bodybuilding Lifestyles magazine, featuring Mike Christian on the cover!

Koko B. Ware v. Dick Wernick

10/10 on the jobber name, no notes. Koko takes the guy down and goes up with the missile dropkick and then finishes with the brainbuster at 1:25. Was Koko even in a feud in 1991? I don’t even remember him being around other than occasional squashes.

Meanwhile, we get a promo from Texas Tornado, British Bulldog and the Dragon. Dragon: “You will all burn at Summerslam!” Bulldog: “91!” Thank you for clarifying, Davey. Otherwise I would have been wondering if they were building for next year’s show or something.

IRS v. Mark Thomas

We get an inset promo from Greg Valentine, but he needs 20 minutes to get it started and we’ll have to check in later. Irwin with the Write Off clothesline and samoan drop to finish at 1:58.

Sid Justice joins Mean Gene for a very special interview. Sid lets us know that WE WILL RESPECT HIS AUTHORITAH at Summerslam.

Meanwhile, Bobby Heenan and his Big Gold Belt warn the orange gaslighting son of a bitch that RIC FLAIR is on the way and he should be terrified. I think Turner’s lawyers were the real terrors.

The Natural Disasters v. Ray Garcia & Ross Greenburg

Typhoon hits Garcia with a dropkick and it’s over to Quake while we get an insightful and thought provoking inset promo from the Bushwhackers. The Disasters take turns hitting Garcia with splashes in the corner and Typhoon splashes him to set up the butt splash from Quake to finish at 2:00. Vince: “Is Andre enough to even the scale? The RICHTER scale that is.” That metaphor doesn’t even work. The Richter scale isn’t an actual weigh scale. Bret Hart gives that wordplay FOUR OUT OF TEN.

Update: Greg Valentine is nearly warmed up.

Meanwhile, we get promos from Mr. Perfect and Bret Hart and honestly they probably had to literally shove a metal pole up Perfect’s ass to have him standing upright for it given that he could barely walk by the end of July. It’s a goddamn miracle that he was able to actually work that match and have a classic in the process.

SUMMERSLAM REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!

We get a tour of the jail with the Mountie, as he demonstrates fingerprinting criminals and mugshots and the dank horrible cells that Bossman will be staying in. This is actually amazing because the payoff was Mountie going through each and every segment himself in the same order. That’s some incredible attention to detail.

Update: Greg Valentine is almost ready to start his inset promo.

Bret Hart v. Bob Bradley

Oh man, Bret facing Battle Kat himself! Well the second one. Bret slams him and follows with a backbreaker before dropping an elbow and an atomic drop. Bret with a snap suplex and he drops elbows and finishes with the Sharpshooter at 2:20. Piper is confident that Bret is winning the title at the show. Savage: “AND I’M GETTING MARRIED!” OK I laughed.

Meanwhile, we hear from IRS, but we’re still waiting for Valentine to start his inset promo from earlier. Hold on, I think he’s ready…

DAMMIT WE’RE OUT OF TIME! Well maybe next week.

NEXT WEEK: Summerslam fallout!

Yeah I mean I pretty much love reviewing all these Superstars shows until it went off a cliff in 1994. Even then I’ll probably go back and finish that year sometime.