The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.20.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.20.91

Originally written 06.09.26

Taped from Las Vegas, NV on 03.26.91

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Roddy Piper & Randy Savage

OH MY GOD CAN WE PLEASE STOP WITH THE STARS AND STRIPES INTRO ALREADY?!?

The British Bulldog v. Mike Starr

Bulldog hits him with slams while we get an inset from Mr. Perfect about their impending house show run that didn’t really happen. Bulldog with a delayed suplex on Starr and he puts him down with a back elbow, but Starr slugs away in the corner until Bulldog clotheslines him and finishes with the running powerslam at 1:55. Mike “Michelle” Starr was a fixture in Tomko’s Vancouver promotion as a top guy when I was attending their shows and I always like seeing him on these.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

Oh man, the attack on Warrior last week in the Funeral Parlor was so horrific that corrupt old Jack Tunney has actually been provoked into DOING SOMETHING. In this case, a very thorough investigation, which will probably lead to him investigating a big envelope full of cash with a cartoonishly huge dollar sign printed on it. We’ve talked about it before, but Savage going from cheering Undertaker on (“Put him in there, Undertaker, I remember Wrestlemania VII!”) to going all the way around to being worried about Warrior’s well-being was a nice bit of character work on his part. Also if you’re trapped in a casket and you have to depend on Tony Garea and Jack Lanza to save your life, you should probably just prepare for the afterlife. Also I should note that Earl Hebner’s idea of CPR is pressing on Warrior’s left boob repeatedly. Dude you’re not even in the right HEMISPHERE. Gene notes that none of us has ever experienced this kind of darkness before. Speak for yourself, I’ve been married for 21 years and lived through “I don’t know what I want for supper but I’m incredibly hungry and I’m going to hurt someone unless you feed me RIGHT NOW”. MULTIPLE TIMES.

The Orient Express v. Rob Allen & Scott Casey

The Orients are into their goth era, with all black gear, and after Casey gets some token offense on Kato, it’s over to Allen and he gets double-teamed. Kato with a suplex and Tanaka hits Allen with a german suplex just as Kato superkicks him, and that finishes at 2:00. That’s a real good finisher.

Ted Dibiase v. Jim Powers

Dibiase lays out Powers while we get an inset from Virgil, and Dibiase hits a suplex and powerslam. And that sets up the Million Dollar Dream to finish at 2:05. Sherri produces a $100 bill from her cleavage for Ted to shove into Jim’s mouth, and then steals it back and puts it back in her bra on the way out. Tremendous.

The Legion of Doom v. Mark Ming & Randy Sharkey

Hawk carries Ming around in a press slam and then Animal comes in with a powerslam and elbow, and it’s over to Sharkey. Animal clubs him down and dropkicks him and we get an inset from the Nasty Boys, who note that the LOD aren’t nasty enough to take their belts. Hawk was pretty nasty, to be fair. Doomsday Device finishes at 2:00.

The Funeral Parlor with special guest Sgt. Slaughter, who continues talking about PUKEAMANIA and IMMORTAL SLIME and promises to keep coming after Hulk until Hulkamania is dead and buried. Well he was definitely playing the long game then.

The Warlord v. Dale Wolfe

Warlord hits Wolfe with a gut wrench as we get an inset from…Warlord. That’s so sad when he doesn’t even have an opponent to threaten. Full Nelson finishes at 1:20.

Meanwhile, we hear from WBF Superstar Mike Christian, who is busy training his pecs. Vince notes that we’re all looking forward to the WBF Championship. He’s told some whoppers in his career but that one ranks up there.

The Dragon v. Louie Spicoli

Savage, still somewhat of a heel, jokes about Steamboat’s fire display and thinks it reminds him of Hogan after Wrestlemania. SAVAGE. Steamboat with chops and a crescent kick and then he runs Louie into the turnbuckles 10 times and goes up to finish with the flying chop and flying bodypress at 1:50. Spicoli was looking kind of cut up here compared to his later physique, actually.

The Mountie v. Jim Evans

Mountie boots him down and uses the crowd control technique in the corner before putting the boots to him. To the floor for a shot to the apron, and back in for the chokeslam and passive nerve pinch for the pin at 1:24.

NEXT WEEK: The Rockers! Mr. Perfect! Big Bossman! The Undertaker! Roddy Piper on the Funeral Parlor! JAKE THE SNAKE v. THE EARTHQUAKE!

BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP!