The WWE Rewind: WrestleMania 2

WrestleMania 2: what the world has come to!

THIS is the Nassau Veteran’s Memorial Coliseum in Uniondale, New York, an arena that will in the future host events like SummerSlam 2002 and Worlds End 2023. Vince McMahon greets us from the ring and welcomes Susan Saint James, an actress with future Emmy and Golden Globe nominations to her name, to be his color commentator. Ray Charles performs “America the Beautiful” as imagery flashes across our screens. Cowboys! Office workers! Farmers! Soldiers! Children! Mount Rushmore! Hulk Hogan! America, fuck yeah!

Mean Gene Okerlund greets us from Chicago. We’ll be back to him later!

Roddy Piper and Bob Orton are warming up for Hot Rod’s big boxing match. Piper promises to both quit wrestling and quit women if he loses.

Paul Orndorff vs Magnificent Muraco (with Mr. Fuji)

No intros for these the competitors as we’re given audio interviews over the opening of the match. Muraco bodyslams Orndorff and Mr. Wonderful quickly powers out and is clearly the crowd favorite. Orndorff works the arm as we adjust the commentary stylings of Susan piping in every now and then. Orndorff whips Muraco across the ring by the arm and keeps working the arm lock. Muraco fights out and they trade blows in the corner before dumping each other to the outside. They brawl around and the bell rings. We have a countout. The fans chant “bullshit” which is fair.

Paul Orndorff and Magnificent Muraco fight to a double countout. A good little opening match brawl with a disappointing result, especially if you’re only getting four matches live in your arena.

Mr. T promises to do the talking in the ring, saying he’ll do dirty things to Piper if Piper does dirty things to him. The great Howard Finkel gives the announcement of the results of the previous match at the same time.

WWF Intercontinental Championship: WWF Intercontinental Champion Randy Savage (with Miss Elizabeth) vs George Steele

Susan is very into THIS match, knowing the whole story of Savage and Steele. Randy gives us an inset promo and says Steele will be telling him he is the greatest Intercontinental Champion of allllll time. Savage dodges Steele’s unorthodox charge before coming in. Animal chases Savage and chomps on his boot (Susan: “Eat his leg!”). Steele scoops Savage up and tosses him down in the ring and looks down at Elizabeth, giving Savage a chance to hang him up in the ropes. Savage lays the boots to him and hits the top rope crossbody, covering for two. Animal tosses Savage outsider to the concrete and Savage crawls under the ring.

As Steele looks for him, Savage runs in from the other side and nails Savage. Animal chomps on the arm as Susan wonders if George has had his shots. Savage steals a bouquet of flowers from a fan and nails Steele with them who responds by biting his arm again and smashing the flowers into his face. “He may not be smart, but he has respect for women, Vince!” That’s about all we ask for at this point. Steele feasts on a top turnbuckle and Savage tries to attack, Steele shoving stuffing into his face. Savage ducks out again, Steele follows and Elizabeth distracts Steele again. Savage nails the flying ax handle from the top and tosses Steele in. He slams Steele and heads up top, delivering with the elbow drop and getting a one count. Steele grabs the nose and tosses Savage into the corner. Savage covers with his feet on the ropes and gets the pin.

Randy Savage pins George Steele to retain the WWF Intercontinental Championship. As a match, it wasn’t very good if you’re a star ratings person. It was pretty entertaining though. It’s worth the five minutes it’ll take you to watch it.

We head back to Chicago where Mean Gene is with Big John Studd and Bill Fralic. Fralic calls Studd a dud and Gene asks for decorum.

Jake Roberts vs George Wells

George gets the “already in the ring” intro while Roberts walks the aisle with his snake. Wells attacks and backdrops Roberts. Savage tosses him outside and catches a right as they fight back in. Wells continues his offensive flurry including a power slam for a two. This has been all Wells. That stops as Roberts slashes the eye and slithers outside. Wells follows, Snake rolls in and the attack is on. Roberts hits the DDT and you know that’s all it takes. Roberts unleashes the snake and wraps it around George.

Jake Roberts pins George Wells. This was mostly all George with Jake finding his way to hit the DDT. It was a Prime Time level match and not really great. Definitely not one of those matches you think back on when you think about WrestleMania.

Here’s a look at how we got to Mr. T vs Roddy Piper.

In Los Angeles, Jesse “The Body” Ventura is with Hulk Hogan. Hulk says he’s defending his title, busted ribs or not, because it stands for America, brother. He also predicts that Mr. T is coming out on top.

Boxing Match: Roddy Piper (with Lou Duva and Bob Orton) vs Mr. T (with Joe Frazier and Haiti Kid)

Celebrities! They love WWF! Our guest ring announcer is Joan Rivers. She introduces our judges. We have “Chocolate Thunder” Darryl Dawkins of the NBA, Cab Calloway, and Watergate judge G. Gordon Liddy. Our timekeeper is Herb, a character from Burger King commercials who does a little dance. Fink is in ring doing his best to discreetly direct Rivers and it is a struggle. Our referee is Jack Lotz, a man who can say he refereed three WrestleMania matches and appeared in The Sopranos.

We have ten three-minute rounds scheduled. Now I don’t know anything about boxing, so this should be my best work. Round one, fight! Piper goes for the head, T goes for the midsection. Piper hits a few cheap shots against the ropes and the referee warns him. They fight into the ropes again and Piper lands a few rights before we brawl into the corner again. The ref breaks them again as the bell ends to ring the round.

Piper taunts T between rounds. Round two. T hits a flurry and the referee pulls Piper away, wiping grease off his head. Piper starts landing bunches and T fights back, being broken up in the corner yet again. T gets caught in a corner and Piper lays in, T taking a fall. He’s up at the eight count. Piper nails T again with rights as we end the round.

Piper sneaks in an extra punch as they move to their corners. Orton tosses a bucket of water on T before the ref calls for round three. Piper is cocky now and they trade blows, T getting corner body shots. T hits lefts and rights in the corner, Piper falling to a seated position. Piper returns to his feet and T shoves him into the corner before landing a right land, Piper tumbling outside. Piper answers at the nine count but neither can land a blow before the round ends.

Round four. Piper grabs a stool and tosses it at T. They throw rights and lefts. Piper knocks out T’s mouthpiece. Big blows here. Piper shoves the ref and bodyslams T, sending us to a disqualification.

Mr. T defeats Roddy Piper by disqualification in the fourth round. Well, this was long and boring. No thank you.

And now, THIS is the Rosemont Horizon in Chicago, Illinois. Now the Allstate Arena, it is a place of decades of wrestling history. Not only did it hold The Wrestling Classic, but it has had three Survivor Series, two Money in the Banks, three TakeOvers, and the recent Worlds Collide event as well as 1994’s Spring Stampede. Gorilla Monsoon and Gene Okerlund greet us from ringside and introduce Cathy Lee Crosby, their guest color commentator. Around Mania time, Cathy Lee was cohosting “That’s Incredible!”, a reality show that dealt with people’s weird and perhaps incredible talents and quirks.

WWF Women’s Championship: WWF Women’s Champion Fabulous Moolah vs Velvet McIntyre

Chet Coppock is our ring announcer for the Chicago portion. If you’ve ever watched, you know he’s the guy who says everything twice. “Velvet McIntyre… Velvet McIntyre.” He’d actually make a small reappearance for WWF at another Mania, doing Radio WWF with Gorilla.

Moolah attacks the bare-footed McIntyre and slingers her around. Velvet hits several one-footed dropkicks and an elbow. She misses a second-rope splash and Moolah covers, getting the three.

Fabulous Moolah pins Velvet McIntyre to retain the WWF Women’s Championship. Well, this pretty much sucked. I for one am shocked that Moolah’s match sucked.

Flag Match: Corporal Kirchner vs Nikolai Volkoff (with Freddie Blassie)

The winner gets to raise his flag. The loser could probably just put his in the air too, but there is honor in following the flag match rulings. Volkoff sings the Soviet National Anthem and the crowd is not kind to it before Kirscher’s music interrupts it all. Gorilla suggests Nikolai might have to spend time in Siberia if he loses. Nikolai attacks at the bell and tosses Kirchner to the floor which, unlike in New York, has padding. Volkoff bites at the Corporal’s forehead and slugs him into the ring post. The ref gets knocked in the battle and Blassie tosses his cane which Kirchner catches and nails Volkoff. The ref counts the pinfall and Kirchner waves the flag.

Corporal Kirchner pins Nikolai Volkoff. This was quick but I enjoyed it. A lot of that was from the crowd being fully into Kirchner, totally against Volkoff and loud as hell. An easy two minute match.

WWF vs NFL Battle Royal

Celebrities! Our timekeeper is Clara Peller, known for being the Wendy’s commercial “Where’s the beef?” lady. We’re a Ronald McDonald away from checking all the boxes. Maybe he’s in the third city. Dick Butkus and Ed “Too Tall” Jones are here as our special football celebrity referees.

Representing the WWF, we have Andre the Giant, King Tonga, Jim Brunzell, Tony Atlas, Pedro Morales, Ted Arcidi, Danny Spivey, Hillbilly Jim, B. Brian Blair, Iron Sheik, Bruno Sammartino, Big John Studd, Jim Neidhart and Bret Hart. Yes, Bruno’s one WrestleMania match was a battle royal. On the football side, there is Jimbo Covert (Bears), Ernie Holmes (retired), Harvey Martin (retired), Bill Fralic (Falcons), William “Refriderator” Perry (Bears), and Russ Francis (49ers). Of this crew of men, King Tonga theoretically could appear ringside at the next WrestleMania if they decide to give the tag team division a match.

Ernie Ladd joins the announce team as well. This one won’t be easy to call. Studd and Perry battle in the corner. Bruno tosses Holmes. Andre and Studd get their hands on each other, following up their match last year. Dan Spivey is chilling and watching the others fight. We lose a Killer Bee. The youngster Carlos Calon tries to toss Andre as Perry tosses Tony Atlas. Studd puts the big fists to Perry to the crowd’s hatred. Colon and Martin tumble out together. Arcidi is out. Fralic and Perry tangle in the corner as Sheik backdrops Spivey out. Sheik tosses Blair and Hillbilly as well.

Hoss battle as Perry and Neidhart go at it. Studd tosses Fralic. Bruno backdrops Sheik right onto his head as Francis tries to knock Andre down with tackles. Studd tosses Bruno and goes over to battle Andre again. Perry charges through the Hart Foundation and knocks them both to the apron. Studd tosses the crowd favorite Perry. Perry offers a handshake and pulls Studd out. The Harts dropkick Andre who gets tied up in the ropes. The Harts double team Francis and toss him before trying to get Andre down. Andre kicks them both off and Bret of course sells it like he just got shot. Andre knocks their noggins together and boots the Anvil over. Hitman goes up top, Andre catches him and presses him on top of the Anvil to win the match.

Andre the Giant last eliminates Bret Hart to win the battle royal. This was never boring which is an improvement over a lot of battle royals. The crowd loved Perry, several guys got some big spots and Andre is Andre. I’d say give this one ten minutes of your time.

Vince and Susan check in from New York with Roddy Piper. Piper says he was getting into the fighting but T was cheating. Piper says he has fight after fight left and mocks Mr. T.

Mean Gene is with Jimbo Covert who also says he was cheated. Iron Sheik steps up to tell Gene Mean that he should’ve won.

WWF Tag Team Championship: WWF Tag Team Champions The Dream Team (Brutus Beefcake and Greg Valentine with Johnny Valiant) vs The British Bulldogs (Davey Boy Smith and Dynamite Kid with Capt. Lou Albano and Ozzy Osbourne)

Johnny Valiant looks like a character Will Ferrell would play. Ozzy would end up a WWE Hall of Famer himself. Valentine and Smith start it off, Bulldog leading with his power. The Bulldogs continue showing off their power as Bulldog presses Beefcake. Kid tags in and tries for a small package but Brutus is too fresh to pin. Davey Boy hits a Perfect Plex for a two count. Beefer gets the tag and Valentine comes off the top with a blow, peppering Kid with suplexes. Dynamite chops away at Hammer in the corner. Gene notes that Ozzy is shaking at ringside which could be for any number of reasons with what he probably had going through his system.

Valentine hits a beautiful piledriver on the Kid but can’t keep him down for the three. Valentine heads up top and Dynamite tosses him across the ring. Mayhem breaks loose and all four men come in. Davey Boy tries to press slam Dynamite onto Valentine but the Hammer rolls out. Davey Boy powerslams Valentine for a two count and Gene talks about how the whole ring moved six inches. Valentine reverses DBS into the steel post and tags Beefcake, the two double teaming the Bulldog. Beefcake works the back and tags Valerntine back in who comes off the top with an elbow. Bulldog tosses Valentine into the corner and Valentine hits right into the Kid’s head. Valentine hits the mat and Bulldog covers for the surprise pin, the fans exploding as we have new champions.

The British Bulldogs defeat The Dream Team when Davey Boy Smith pins Greg Valentine to win the WWF Tag Team Championship. A very good match here, the match of the show so far. Watch this one for sure. Just great action.

Mean Gene and Cathy Lee talk with Albano and Ozzy. “The British Bulldogs forever,” yells Ozzy. Dynamite is busted open and can’t get into the ring for the interview, but Davey Boy says they’re going to stay in the U.S. because they are the champions.

THIS is the Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena in Los Angeles, California. Now demolished, the arena would also host WrestleMania VII as well as the fight scenes of the first two Rocky movies and would be used as a stand-in for MSG in Space Jam. Jesse “The Body” Ventura, Lord Alfred Hayes and my queen Elvira greet us from ringside as our Los Angeles commentary team. Our ring announcer for Los Angeles is “Stagger” Lee Marshall who would one day give us the “On the Road” segments for 1-800-COLLECT on Nitro.

Ricky Steamboat vs Hercules Hernandez

LA is on the side of not having padding outside of the ring. Hercules attacks during the intros but the Dragon gets a whirlwind of armdrags to take control. Steamboat works the arm for a while as Jesse and Elvira think Steamboat’s scarf around his knee is “wimpy.” Hercules clotheslines Steamboat down and drops him throat-first across the ropes. Hercules works over the Dragon for a while, putting down numerous comeback attempts by Steamboat. Hercules heads up top and lands on Steamer’s knees. Steamboat hits his own crossbody from the top and gets the three.

Ricky Steamboat pins Hercules Hernandez. It was… fine. Just a Prime Time-level match.

Adrian Adonis (with Jimmy Hart) vs Uncle Elmer

Adrian has gone full-Adorable since we last saw him. Uncle Elmer is one of those things I just mostly missed. I know he existed, I know he had a wedding, but he is mostly one of those guys I remember from the magazines as the hillbilly regional guy. He does indeed fit all the stereotypes of being a large man in overalls. He also looks like he could fall out at any time. Growing up in the south, I can tell you that you can still find men that look exactly like Elmer in your nearest hardware store and they’ll still call you “sugar.” I don’t have high expectations for this. Any expectations, really.

Elmer attacks and bounces Adonis around the ring. Adonis does the crazy sells as he gets knocked to the outside. Lord Al tells Elvira he’d like to see Elvira in the dress of Adonis. Yes, the lure of Elvira is her wearing a loose-fitting floral dress, Al. Adonis gets locked in the ropes and Elmer pounds away. Adonis works his way out of the dress to his tights and Elmer slugs him, whipping him slowly to the corner and splashing him. Elmer misses a leg drop and Adonis heads up top, hitting a headbutt for the pin.

Adrian Adonis pins Uncle Elmer. This was bad. Just bad.

Lord Alfred is with Hulk Hogan. He tells “Awful Alfred” that while the rumors are that he is banged up, he would crawl to the ring with one good arm and stand behind the title like a man. He feels sorry for King Kong Bundy because he’s climbing out and winning.

Hoss Funk and Terry Funk (with Jimmy Hart) vs Tito Santana and Junkyard Dog

You might know Hoss better as Dory Jr., but he was renamed upon his WWF debut. I don’t get many chances to tell my Dory story, so I’ll do it here. There was an “All Star Wrestling” show at my high school gym back in the day and one of the matches was a legends match between Dory and Chief Wahoo McDaniel. They sold Polaroids with the wrestlers and one of the ones I paid for was with Dory. Little did I know it would be immediately after his match, so there is a picture somewhere of me as a disgusted teenager girl with sweaty-ass Dory’s arm over my shoulder. He’s a very nice man, but I was questioning my entire existence of standing there with a sweaty old man in his tights.

Things go wild earlier before the referee gets control. JYD and Terry share the ring, trading blows. The Funks continually scurry away, Santana even dragging Hoss into the ring as they criss-cross and Terry knees Santana in the back. Terry stomps down Santana on the outside as Elvira wonders why Jimmy Hart is allowed to be a nuisance on the outside. Terry scoops Santana up for a suplex but can’t hold it, Tito reversing it into his own. Elvira questions if they are wearing strong tights and is excited at the possibility of the tights breaking away. Elvira, this is how we end up with a naked Terry Funk. Hoss works over Santana and this is sloooooow. Terry misses a legdrop and Santana gets the hot tag to JYD at last. JYD slams Funk on a table and the referee loses all control as Santana and Hoss brawl. Dog gets distracted and grabs Jimmy. JYD rolls up Terry, Hoss saves. Tito hooks a figure four on Hoss, neither man legal. Jimmy tosses the megaphone to Terry who clocks JYD, getting the easy pin.

Hoss & Terry Funk defeat Tito Santana & Junkyard Dog when Terry pins Dog. This was way too long and not very entertaining.

As the crew starts bringing in the big blue steel cage, Jesse asks Elvira if it reminds her of her house. She says it reminds her of one room of her house. We take an extended look at how this match came together because we have a cage to construct.

Ventura is with King Kong Bundy and Bobby Heenan. Bobby says it is the biggest day of his life because he’ll be packing the world title in Bundy’s luggage soon. Bundy tells them to get the ambulance ready because Hulk will be in it soon. It’s a good thing the Slambulance isn’t around.

Susan and Vince check in from New York, doubting the future of Bundymania.

Steel Cage WWF Championship: WWF Champion Hulk Hogan vs King Kong Bundy (with Bobby Heenan)

This is the debut of the iconic big blue cage, something that would stick around until the Attitude Era. Our guest ring announcer is Tommy Lasorda. Our guest timekeeper is Silver Spoons star Ricky Schroder. Robert Conrad is our guest referee. He was mostly in TV movies at this point in time. Bundy gets solid boos and of course the Hulkster is the crowd favorite, climbing over the cage to enter and rip the shirt at the top for an iconic shot. Hogan’s ribs are taped.

Bundy pounds Hogan down early and tries to escape the door, Hogan stopping it. Bundy rips off Hogan’s ribtape and chokes him with it. Smartly Bundy ties Hogan to the rope with the tape and heads to the door, but Hogan gets free and stops him. Hogan staggers Bundy with chops in the corner and slams him into the cage. Bundy’s head is busted open and Hulk punches him right in the bloody spot. Hogan runs bloody Bundy into the sides of the cage repeatedly and Elvira is disgusted. Hulk scoops Bundy up for a slam but can’t hold it, Bundy crashing on top of him. Hulk grabs the tape and chokes Bundy who fights out of it and splashes Hulk with the Avalanche in the corner. Bundy splashes Hogan on the mat and rolls towards the door. Hulk Hulks up and grabs Bundy’s leg. Elvira says the blood is making her hungry. Bundy Avalanches again and Hulk no-sells it, whipping Bundy into the corner and then scoop slamming him and hitting the leg drop. Hogan struts to the cage, climbs and Bundy grabs his leg to stop him. Hogan boots Bundy down and climbs again, Bobby Heenan trying to stop him. Bundy crawls to the door but Hogan hits the floor first, getting the win.

Hulk Hogan escapes the cage to defeat King Kong Bundy and successfully defend the WWF Title. It wasn’t an epic or anything, but it is a decent Hogan main event. You might as well watch it, it isn’t going to take you more than fifteen minutes.

Post-match, Hogan gets a hold of the Brain inside the ring and tosses him into the cage as well before atomic dropping him towards the door. Hulk poses and that’s how we end our second WrestleMania.

It is one of the lesser WrestleManias, yes, but there’s some stuff worth catching in here. Besides setting the tone for years of big and small celebrities to come, there was a tag team classic, a good battle royal, a good Hogan-era main event and a few fun shorter matches. It isn’t all good by any stretch of the imagination and the three-city experiment wasn’t great, but there will be much worse Manias to come.

Recommendations to watch: the battle royal, the tag title match, Hogan vs Bundy