The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.14.87

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.14.87

Originally written 09.03.26

Taped from Tampa, FL on 01.26.87

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jesse Ventura & Bruno Sammartino

LAST WEEK: The British Bulldogs are trying to defend the tag team titles against the Hart Foundation, but Danny Davis has other ideas!

Meanwhile, Jack Tunney chats with Craig DeGeorge about Danny, but then Danny runs down to ringside and Jack chases after him. So Danny tries to take over refereeing duties for a Tito Santana squash, shoving the assigned ref out of the ring, but Tunney grabs the microphone and declares that REFEREE DANNY DAVIS IS SUSPENDED FOR LIFE. Well less than that as it would turn out. But Jimmy Hart comes out and talks sense in Davis, leading him back to the dressing room while Tito finishes with the flying forearm.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

Oh man, Wrestlemania III is coming and Gene is confident that a new indoor attendance record will be set with 90,000 or more, even though tickets have only been on sale for a week. Also the show is going to be on something called “Pay per view” if you’re a billionaire.

Magnificent Muraco & Cowboy Bob Orton v. Leaping Lanny Poffo & Leo Von Stroheim

Poffo does a whole poem about the Andre situation, and the heels double-team Leo in their corner and Muraco hits him with a kneelift. Orton comes in with a backbreaker while Vince spreads rumors about the impending retirement of Roddy Piper. And we get an inset from Hillbilly Jim, as he ponders the Hogan-Andre challenge and this match is ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. I mean the match itself is fine I guess but why would we have an inset from HILLBILLY JIM about Hulk Hogan randomly here? Muraco finishes with the tombstone at 3:28.

Meanwhile, Adrian Adonis tells a story about his friend Crazy Larry, who told him that Roddy Piper is retiring. And he’s like a vegomatic that can slice, dice, and for no extra charge, get rid of Piper. I always loved that promo for some reason and that line stuck with me for years.

Junkyard Dog v. John Balboa

John appears to have eaten Rocky. Good look slamming this guy. They stumble around the ring and Dog slugs him down for two, and then Dog puts him down with an elbow as Balboa does a goofy sell on the way down. And we get an inset from the US Express, who split on the Andre-Hogan situation. And in fact JYD does powerslam Balboa, which is almost as improbable as Hogan slamming Andre, at 2:10. So kudos to him.

DEMOLITION v. Sivi Afi & Mario Mancini

OK so this is the debut of Barry Darsow as Smash 2.0 and it’s an immediate upgrade. Smash overpowers Afi to start and catches a bodypress attempt, turning it into an atomic drop. Over to Ax, who beats Mancini down with forearms and a back elbow. And they finish with the elbow at 1:19. ONE MILLION PERCENT BETTER.

PIPER’S PIT with special guest Hulk Hogan

Piper recaps the storyline thus far, and a dejected Hulk walks out, hanging his head like the whiny little orange man-baby that he is, sad that his supposed best friend got the spotlight for ONE WEEK. So Hulk bemoans the change in his friend and just assumes that SOMEONE ELSE is the problem like the narcissist that he is. But Piper has had enough of his waffling and asks him if he’s going to face Andre or not. And of course, Hulk is a big chicken and he says NOOOOOOOOOOO.

At least in my head.

Your mileage may vary.

Meanwhile, Jimmy Hart introduces his newest wrestler, DANGEROUS DANNY DAVIS, who has an open contract for singles, tag team, and six-man matches.

Ricky Steamboat v. “Hollywood” Tom Laxton

Vince’s disgusted “WHAT?” when Finkel announces him as “Hollywood” is tremendous. Hollywood takes him down with a headlock and even Jesse is offended at someone else calling himself Hollywood. We get an inset from George Steele, who offers “corner” and “three”. Laxton misses a bodypress and bumps to the floor, allowing Ricky to hit him with a FLYING BODYPRESS TO THE FLOOR. Holy shit. Back in the ring, Steamboat chops him and pins him at 2:00. “That karate or judo chop, whatever it was,” notes Bruno. They should have had him calling UFC shows.

Meanwhile, Jimmy Hart takes Honky Tonk Man on a tour of one of Elvis’s jets, but a little piece of crap 727 is too small for Honky.

The Can-Am Connection v. The Gladiator & Tiger Chung Lee

Vince clarifies that George Steele will be in Steamboat’s corner at Wrestlemania III, which is what his promo was referring to. Zenk gets a backslide on Tiger for two and Martel comes in with an enzuigiri. We get an inset from Muraco & Orton, setting up their match at Wrestlemania, and the Can-Ams double-team Tiger in their corner. But then Martel gets low-bridged by the Gladiator and lands on the floor, and the heels take over for a bit. Over to Zenk, as the announcers concur that Andre the Giant is the betting favorite to end Hulkamania. Zenk runs wild and powerslams Gladiator, and then slingshots Martel in for the pin at 3:15.

NEXT WEEK: Roddy Piper announces his retirement! The Hart Foundation defend the tag team titles against the Islanders! King Harley Race! Koko B. Ware! More matches for Wrestlemania III!