The SmarK Rant for WWF Insurrextion 2001 – 05.05.01

The SmarK Rant for WWF Insurrextion 2001 – 05.05.01

Originally written 06.28.25

Still trying to clean up old PPVs that I missed, with three of these UK-only Insurrextion shows left on the docket.

Live from Earl’s Court in London, drawing 17,000.

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Paul Heyman

Meanwhile, William Regal is in his office and learns that the entire card has been changed, but Vince McMahon bursts in and demands to know who’s been messing with his show. Turns out that it’s Linda McMahon, who probably should have stuck with rebooking wrestling shows instead of running the Department of Education into the ground. So Vince and Linda squabble with some just spectacularly atrocious “acting” on display as they really emphasize how the original card sucked and Linda had to rearrange it because the fans in the UK deserve better than the trash they were originally being given by Vince. Vince is like “But you didn’t change that main event did you? With Steve Austin and HHH in a handicap match against the Undertaker for the WWF title?” But indeed she WANTED to, but she went to the Undertaker and he demanded to still be in the match as is. And then she leaves and Vince discusses foot-in-mouth disease with Regal to end this brutal introduction. This was all-time terrible stuff. Also I don’t know what was with changing the whole card around. Also the graphics for the show still show a main event of Kane & Undertaker v. Austin & HHH so that obviously changed as well.

Grand Master Sexay v. Eddie Guerrero

Eddie attacks from behind and steals the sunglasses, but Sexay powerslams him and goes up with the missile dropkick to send Eddie to the floor. Sexay with a baseball slide, but Eddie attacks him from behind again and does his own dancing until Sexay rolls him up for two. Sexay makes a comeback with clotheslines and a superkick for two, and they try a powerbomb but Sexay loses control of him and they fall back into the ropes. But then Sexay goes up and misses the Alabama Jam. Eddie to the top and Sexay slams him off, but he misses a blind charge and Eddie rolls him up and pins him in the ropes at 4:28. Eddie gave him WAY too much offense here and the finish sucked. *1/2

Perry Saturn & Dean Malenko v. Hardcore Holly & Crash Holly

So this was advertised as a six-person tag with Molly and Terri, but Terri protests that she has no wrestling gear, so she refuses to wrestle tonight and it’s just a regular tag team match as a result. So they did all that nonsense at the beginning messing with the advertised card and they’re STILL changing it on the fly! So Molly attacks Terri and gives her a giant swing and the ref counts two for some reason, but then they head to ringside. Saturn puts Hardcore down with a clothesline, but walks into a dropkick and the Hollies take over. Saturn, who looks like he’s trying to be Superstar Billy Graham, suplexes Crash and brings Malenko in, and the Radicalz take over on Hardcore. Saturn with a brainbuster for two. He goes to a chinlock and then hits Hardcore with an exploder, before going to the top and missing an elbow. Holly tries the whiplash slam but loses Saturn and just turns it into a backdrop at the last second, and then makes the hot tag to Crash. Crash runs wild and then gets cut off right away and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA as Terri and Molly both run and brawl, while Saturn hits the MOSS COVERED THREE HANDLED FAMILY GREDUNZA to finish Crash at 5:20. Sadly I had forgotten about that devastating finishing move. This was an absolute nothing house show match. *1/2

Meanwhile, William Regal shines up his Queen’s Cup and tells someone on the phone that he’s far more popular in London than Chris Jericho and will obviously be the one who gets cheered.

Big Show v. Test

We had learned that the Big Show v. Test match was supposed to be OFF but now here comes Big Show so we got SWERVED. Because, you see, Big Show didn’t come all the way here to ENGLAND to not face Test, so Test is clearly a coward who has no guts, and if he has the guts and he’s not a coward he’ll come out here and face him right now, but we all know he won’t because Test is a coward who has no guts. And he’s YELLOW! And a coward! But then Test DOES come out, much like Marty McFly would do, so I guess he’s not a coward. You know he’s got injured ribs because he’s got one arm kind of bent on the way to the ring and he’s limping for good measure. So they slug it out despite Test’s crippling rib injury, and he puts the boots to Big Show in the corner, until Show drops him with a sideslam and drops an elbow on his taped ribs. My god, this is brutal and inhumane to watch! I mean the match, not the rib injury. So the referees all run out and rescue Test from getting his ass beat further as they wonder why he couldn’t get over as a babyface, and then Big Show declares everyone in the back to be cowards and then leaves. But wait! There’s at least one man in England who isn’t a yellow coward and answers the challenge!

Big Show v. Bradshaw

Big Show immediately cuts him off with a sideslam and beats him down with elbows while we now have EMTs tending to Test at ringside. I’m gonna need to see some internal bleeding before I feel too bad for him. Show slams Bradshaw, but misses an elbow and that allows Bradshaw to come back with a shoulderblock. They fight to the floor as the crack medical staff in England finally manages to get Test up and on his way back to the dressing room after like 10 minutes, but Show decides to continue beating on Test’s ass anyway. I’ll allow it. But then Test suddenly boots a chair into Show’s face, showing his one move, and Bradshaw hits the clothesline for the pin at 3:23. There would be a lot of aborted Bradshaw singles push attempts still to come, sadly. This was all fucking awful. DUD

Meanwhile, Steve Austin wants to know how stupid Undertaker has to be in order to WANT a handicap match against Austin & HHH? Steve is just sad that Undertaker’s career has to end in a piece of crap country like England.

The Dudley Boyz v. The Hardy Boyz v. X-Pac & Justin Credible v. Edge & Christian

There must be some kind of musical reason why they edited out the entrance of YO YOU’RE DEALING WITH THE X-FACTOR, but I’m not complaining. Sign at ringside: “Why is X-Pac still alive?” That’s pretty harsh but amazingly he’s still around in 2025. Hardyz double-team Christian in their corner, but X-Pac comes in and he gets taken down with a flying headscissors from Jeff. Hardyz double-team him as well, but Matt gets caught in the corner and YO NOW HE’S DEALING WITH THE X-FACTOR as Heyman calls Justin “the one man crime spree”. Turns out he’s a pretty shit person, in fact, although not quite a crime spree. Jeff gets a hot tag and quickly pins X-Pac with the swanton at 5:30 and YO NOW WE’RE NO LONGER HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE X-FACTOR. But then Christian sneaks in and pins Jeff with the Unprettier at 6:06. Dudleyz double-team Christian as I’m wondering if Edge is ever gonna tag into this match or what. D-Von powerslams Christian for two and slugs away in the corner, but Edge necks him and finally tags into the match before going to work on D-Von. E&C work him over in the corner and Edge tries a superplex, but D-Von fights him off and makes the hot tag to Bubba, although the ref misses it. So E&C go back to work, but D-Von catches Christian with the inverted suplex and makes the real hot tag to Bubba. He runs wild with the usual and it’s time for D-Von to get the Slim Jim’s Branded Tables, but E&C retreat to the floor to distract the ref, allowing Rhyno to run in and hit the GOAR on Bubba, putting Edge on top for the pin at 13:20. And then Spike Dudley also runs in and helps his brothers put Rhyno through the table with 3D to get their heat back. Kind of pointless to be an elimination tag match, but that E&C v. Dudleyz portion was a fine TV match. **1/2

The celebrities are out tonight! Some guy from a game show! And a footballer!

Right to Censor joins us and Steven Richards announces that the women’s battle royal is CANCELLED because England doesn’t want to see titties. So they bring out Trish and Lita and Jackie, but Ivory calls them “slappers”, so they strip Ivory down to her underwear and chase her off. This leaves Steven alone with the women, and Trish teases seducing him before hitting him in the crotch and setting up a Lita moonsault to chase him to the back. So no advertised women’s battle royale either, I guess.

2/3 Falls: Chris Benoit v. Kurt Angle

Angle is very distracted by the loss of his gold medals, which Benoit assures him are in a “very warm, safe place”. They they’re going exactly where you think they’re going, don’t worry. They trade takedowns and Benoit goes for the crossface early, so Angle bails to the floor. Back in, Kurt with the anklelock, but Benoit reverses him out to the floor while Cole mansplains how 2/3 falls matches work. You have to win 2 falls out of 3? HOLY SHIT! Angle catches him with a clothesline on the top rope and adds a suplex for two while Heyman goes into his Australian accent bit for reasons I’m not clear on. Angle with a pair of overhead suplexes and Benoit gets his own as this is taking shockingly long to get going. Benoit with a snap suplex and he follows with the rolling germans and goes up with the diving headbutt, which finishes the first fall at 7:28.

Second fall sees Angle sending Benoit to the floor and putting the boots to him to take over before running him into the stairs. Back in for two and he goes to a chinlock, but Benoit chops out, so Angle hits him with an overhead suplex for two. Benoit cradles for two and they collide for a double down, but Benoit comes back with another round of germans and goes up for another diving headbutt, which misses this time. So Angle tries an anklelock, but Benoit reverses to a crossface and then counters Angle’s cradle attempt with a small package for the pin at 14:10 to win in two straight. This was probably the worst Benoit-Angle match I’ve ever seen, which doesn’t mean it was BAD, but it sure wasn’t very good. Both guys had it in first gear at best and managed to bore a really hot crowd somehow. **1/4

And yeah, Benoit reveals that the gold medals were down his pants the entire time.

Meanwhile, the Two Man Power Trip send Debra to run errands for them, which she’s not happy about for some reason. Dames, am I right?

Queen’s Cup: Commissioner William Regal v. Chris Jericho

The cup in question looks like a knockoff of the Stanley Cup that they give to minor league hockey teams. VERY minor league. Regal with a headlock to start, but Jericho slugs him down, so Regal tosses him to the apron. Jericho back in with a double axehandle and Regal bails, as they brawl on the floor and Jericho comes back with a bodypress for two. Regal tries a rollup and Jericho blocks it for two and goes for the Walls, but Regal runs him into the post to escape. Jericho misses a dropkick and Regal catapults him into the corner and hits him with a suplex and a double knee to put him down. Regal elbows him down and takes him to the apron for a beating out there. Back in the ring, Regal slugs away on the ropes, but Jericho comes back with a sunset flip for two. Regal cuts him off with a clothesline for two. Regal with a cobra sleeper, but Jericho fights out of that, so Regal ties him into the ropes and beats him down some more. Regal with a suplex for two. Regal with a chinlock as this is reaching the point of dragging now. Jericho comes back but the Lionsault hits the knees and Regal gets two. Jericho counters a rollup into the Walls, and Regal taps at 14:44 to give Jericho the prestigious Queen’s Cup. And then I know this will shock you, but Regal attacks him and smashes the trophy afterwards, which is only shocking in that thing looked so fucking cheap that I’m shocked it held together just sitting on the pedestal during the match. This was the first match that brushed against “Pretty Good” for the whole show. ***

WWF World title: Steve Austin & HHH v. Undertaker

Don’t ask me how Austin and HHH can defend the World title as a tag team in a handicap match. Also the time period when ALL of the titles were monopolized by Austin and HHH pretty dire stuff, but of course the entire direction of the company was about to change drastically. Austin stomps a mudhole in the corner to start while Cole declares that Austin has rattlesnake markings on his knee braces and this means he’s on a POWER TRIP.

They fight to the floor and Taker tries to isolate Hunter in the aisle, but Austin saves his bestest buddy and tag team champion partner. But then Taker and Hunter continue their fight at ringside, where Taker preps the table, and then back into the ring where Taker is BUILDING MOMENTUM. He goes Old School for two, but Hunter USES THE KNEE and it’s over to Austin. So to clarify here, the only result of the match with any meaning is if Undertaker pins Austin and thus becomes WWF champion, so why is Austin motivated to even tag in? If Undertaker pins Hunter or vice versa, it means nothing. Taker comes back and Hunter comes in again, but he collides with Taker for a double down. Steph takes the ref and Austin knocks Taker out with a chairshot, but that only gets two for HHH. Austin comes in and gets some two counts, and Hunter follows with the sleeper as this match somehow gets more boring. Man they had Steve Austin at the height of his powers and managed to cool him right the fuck down with that heel turn, man. This is just dire, dire stuf that no one wanted to see. Taker escapes from that sleeper after a while, and then Austin comes in and Taker gets his OWN sleeper, which Austin suplexes out. Man Cole is right, those rattlesnake knee braces are just ostentatious. Really distracting. Hunter goes up with a flying nothing and lands on Taker’s foot, allowing Taker to make a comeback and chokeslam HHH through the table at ringside. Back in the ring, he chokeslams Austin for two, but Hunter makes the save. So Taker catapults them into each other to get Austin out of the ring, and HHH clotheslines Taker for a double down. This brings Mr. McMahon out, but he accidentally hits HHH with a chair and Taker pins him at 17:05. Which means nothing. Yay? This was a complete bore. **

Well this was certainly a show that happened, you can’t take that away from it. Didn’t appear that anyone was particularly thrilled to be a part of it and I’ll likely forget the entire thing two hours later, but now I’ve filled that hole in my rant collection and that’s the important thing.

Thumbs down.