The SmarK Rant for WWE Wrestlemania 42 Night 1 – 04.18.26

The SmarK Rant for WWE Wrestlemania 42 – 04.18.26

Live from Las Vegas, NV. Stadium looks pretty full despite the ticket troubles that they were complaining about on their own shows. The stage seems a little subdued compared to their usual over the top Wrestlemania sets, though.

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Wade Barrett

John Cena joins us to start, looking all dapper in a nice suit. And he’s got nothing to say beyond welcoming us. Well that’s nice of him.

The Usos & LA Knight v. Logan Paul & Austin Theory & I Show Speed

They’re doing a weird nine-way split screen thing for the heel entrance, I guess appealing to the Brady Bunch fans in the audience. The Usos superkick the tag champs out of the ring, leaving Speed alone with LA Knight to start. Speed shows some flips, but Knight clotheslines him and shrugs off a slam, prompting Speed to run away and let Logan in. He gets triple-teamed in the babyface corner and the Usos drop a double elbow on him for two. Over to Theory, who shaved off his nice hair to be a badass I guess, and they work on Jimothy and let Speed have another try at it. So Jimmy suplexes him immediately and it’s back to Logan, who gets all annoyed and beats Jimmy down in the corner. Jimmy fights back and makes the hot tag to Jey and the fans go yeet yeet yeet until he hits a spear on Theory for two. Speed goes after Jimmy again and manages to get a headscissor takedown, but he showboats too early and Knight breaks it up. So Theory decides to use some tough love on Speed, but Knight hits Theory with the BFT for the pin at 7:09. Total nothing of an opener here. ** Afterwards, Paul turns on Speed and tries to put him through the announce table, but the Usos save and apparently adopt him as their new mascot or whatever he does, and help him put Paul through the table instead. I mean, very impressive splash on his part, but he’s not a wrestler and I don’t particularly care who he is.

Unsanctioned match: Jacob Fatu v. Drew McIntyre

Fatu attacks on the floor right away and runs Drew into the railing before pulling out the Slim Jims Tables and whoever is sponsoring the chairs tonight. He also finds a toolbox, but Drew manages to get that away from him and catapults him under the apron, the HARDEST PART OF THE RING. Drew hits him with a clothesline and stops to use his brother’s phone to take a selfie and post something on social media. I bet he went on Threads and told everyone that you can long press the paper plane to copy the link. IYKYK. Also anyone reading that reference after this year will likely be “WTF?” but that’s the risk with the job. And then we head back into the ring, where Fatu comes back and splashes him in the corner. Samoan drop gets two. Drew headbutts him back down and sets up the chair in the corner, and then Fatu misses a charge and hits the post, allowing Drew to suplex him and send him to the floor for a dive. Back in, the Claymore misses and Fatu sends him into the chair and moonsaults him for two. So Drew grabs a wrench and beats on Jacob with that before suplexing him on a pair of chairs for two. So Drew steals the ref’s belt and Fatu counters with the toolbox, but Drew hits him with the Claymore for two. They cut to the crowd, where one guy stands up in excitement, which checks out because this crowd has been pretty fucking dead so far. You’d think paying $9000 a seat or whatever it is would mean people would be more invested in the show. They slug it out and Jacob finds another Slim Jims Table while Cole explains the mechanism of actually watching the show to the poor bastards in the US. Fatu to the top, but Drew shoves him off, and through another Slim Jims Table at ringside. But then Fatu uses the toolbox and moonsaults Drew through another Slim Jims Table in the ring for the pin at 14:11. This was an OK bloodless WWE street fight, although there wasn’t any story to the match or anything and the crowd SURE wasn’t into it much. ***. I really wish there was a happy medium between WWE’s undercooked street fight matches and AEW’s exhausting overcooked blood-filled spectacles, though, because this one could have used something to juice it up a bit.

And then after a literal TEN MINUTES of commercials, it’s time for the main card.

WWE Women’s tag team title: Nia Jax & Lash Legend v. Alexa Bliss & Charlotte Flair v. Bayley & Lyra Valkyria v. Brie Bella & Paige

Paige is replacing the injured Nikki Bella, although it wasn’t exactly a surprise since her return was announced in advance. Good pop for her regardless. However, they have, what, six dozen women rotting away in NXT right now, and they’re bringing broken down Paige to the main roster first? The champs double-team Bayley to start with a samoan drop from Nia. Lyra hits Charlotte with kicks, but Brie breaks it up and hits them both with kicks, paying tribute to the Miz of course, until Nia pulls her out and runs her into the railing. Lash adds a chokeslam on the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING, and back in the ring for a big boot on Charlotte. Alexa comes in with a tornado DDT on Lash, but Bayley & Lyra double-team her in the corner with a Demolition elbow for two. Lyra and Alexa double-team Brie and try a superplex, but Lash saves with a Tower of Doom spot and Brie dropkicks her, and makes the hot tag to Paige. Paige runs wild to wake up the crowd a bit and goes up with a bodypress on Lyra, but Lyra rolls through. Paige reverses to the Paige Turner for two as Nia saves. Nia and Brie tumble out and Paige teams up with Charlotte to get rid of Lash, and they slug it out. Paige reverses the figure-four for two, but Nikki takes out Charlotte with her crutch and Paige hits the RamPaige on Bliss for the pin and the titles at 8:34. That was the obvious finish given Paige’s return. Not much to the match, it was OK and they kept it short. **

You know what they don’t keep short? THE FUCKING COMMERCIALS BETWEEN EVERY SEGMENT. Holy shit.

Women’s Intercontinental title: AJ Lee v. Becky Lynch

Becky attacks to start and gets sent to the floor, where she suckers AJ into a slam into the railing. Back in with a top rope legdrop that gets two for Becky. She tries to pull off the turnbuckle, but evil biased ref Jessica prevents it, allowing AJ to make a comeback. AJ with a shiranui and she tries the shining wizard, but Becky counters with a powerbomb for two. AJ tries the Black Widow and Becky swings her into the corner to break and then follows with the Manhandle Slam for two. This prompts an argument with Ref Jessica, and AJ gets her own slam for two. They slug it out and AJ hooks the Black Widow off that, but Becky makes the ropes and pulls off that turnbuckle on the second try. Ref Jessica is bumped and Becky hits the Manhandle Slam off the exposed turnbuckle for the pin and the title at 8:10. Another short match to make time for more commercials, I guess. **1/2

Gunther v. Seth Rollins

They fight to the floor immediately as Cole warns us that people expecting a five star wrestling match will probably be disappointed. Don’t worry, Michael, I don’t watch WWE for five star matches anyway. Seth chucks chairs at him and they head into the ring to start the match properly, slugging it out and trading boots until Gunther goes for the sleeper. Seth escapes that and boots Gunther down, but he charges and runs into a clothesline. Gunther beats him down in the corner and chokes him out on the ropes before trying a suplex that takes forever to set up. Seth flips out of it and counters with the buckle bomb, but Gunther suplexes him. So Seth gets his own suplex and then they trade clotheslines for the double down. They’re out cold just like the crowd! They slug it out with chops, but Gunther powerbombs him for two. Seth tries a Pedigree and Gunther escapes that with a suplex, but Seth gets it on the second try and follows with the curb stomp for two. Seth goes up and misses a flying stomp, but he gets a rollup for two instead. Gunther counters with the sleeper and Seth fights out of that and hits him with rolling elbows, but Gunther clotheslines him down again and goes to the top. Seth brings him down with a superplex into the falcon arrow for two and gets his own sleeper, but Gunther makes the ropes. Seth comes back with a pair of dives on the retreating Gunther, but Gunther powerbombs him on the apron and then onto the table before Seth get his own Pedigree on the table. It doesn’t break, so he clears the other table and jumps off that with a curb stomp onto Gunthers. But this brings a sprinting Bron Breakker down for a spear on Seth to lay him out, and Gunther locks in another sleeper to finish at 15:42. Didn’t need the screwjob finish here, they were having a perfectly good match without it. ***1/2

WWE World Women’s title: Stephanie Vaquer v. Liv Morgan

They slug it out to start and Vaquer hits her with the double knees in the corner. Liv with a powerbomb out of the corner for two and she follows with the triple suplexes before going up with a frog splash that hits knees. Stephanie with the Devil’s Kiss and she follows with a double underhook suplex into a lungblower for two. Liv with a backstabber and she tries her own Devil’s Kiss, but Stephanie reverses out to a backbreaker for two. Vaquer with her own version of Oblivion, but Raquel and Roxanne run in for distraction and Liv gets Oblivion for two. Vaquer fights off the Judgment Day and hits everyone with a dive to the floor, but Liv runs her into the stairs and hits a codebreaker and Oblivion the pin and the title at 6:50. Another really abbreviated match in a series of them tonight. **1/2

John Cena announces the fake attendance number of 50,000 people, and Bianca Belair makes a surprise appearance after being out for months. And now she’s out for another 9 months. Goddamn that kid is gonna be running the 100 yard dash and winning track medals by the time it’s out of diapers.

WWE title: Cody Rhodes v. Randy Orton

Opening video package is really good but still doesn’t explain how we got to Pat McAfee being involved and why we’re suddenly caring about Jelly Roll. Speaking of which, Cody takes out Pat after the introductions, and Jelly Roll comes out and puts him through a table with an elbowdrop. Jesus, that table has survived a bunch of guys tonight and JELLY ROLL is the one who finally breaks it? So Pat goes out on a stretcher and hopefully that’s all of the nonsense. So the match finally starts HALF AN HOUR after entrances began, and Cody slugs Randy down, but goes for a Cody Cutter and gets caught with a backbreaker. Randy pokes him in the eye and goes to a chinlock, but Cody suplexes out and Randy retreats to the floor selling a back injury. Back in the ring, Cody goes to work on the back with a half crab and runs him into the corner to send him back to the floor again. Back in, Cody continues the exciting back work with a suplex for two. To the top, but Orton brings Cody down with a superplex for two and follows with the draping DDT. My eyes are draping shut from this boring match. Cody blocks the RKO, but tries a dive and Randy slugs him from the floor to cut him off. Randy suplexes him on the announce table, which unsurprisingly doesn’t break because he’s no Jelly Roll. Cody runs him into the post to draw blood and starts working on that cut with a disaster kick, which gets two. Cody rubs some blood on his chest because it’s FOR THE SICKOS who paid $10,000 for ringside seats. So the crowd kinda boos Cody in as much as they’re reacting to anything here, which isn’t saying much, and Cody gets his own draping DDT. “This is a different Cody tonight” notes Cole. Yeah one who’s having a shitty boring match instead of his usual bangers. Orton fires up and gets a Crossroads on Cody, which gets two. Cody reverses an RKO into a backslide for two, and hits his own RKO for two. But then Randy hits the RKO OUTTA NOWHERE for two. They slug it out and Cody pokes him in the eye, leading to Randy taking out the ref with the RKO by mistake. So Cody kicks Orton in the nuts, but Orton hits him with another RKO to block the Cody Cutter. So this brings Pat McAfee out with a ref shirt and a neck brace, and that gets two. But then Orton turns on his own man with the RKO, and Cody hits Orton with Crossroads to retain at 22:52. What a weird fucking match. I literally don’t even understand what the storyline was supposed to be here. And then Orton turns on Cody and lays him out with the RKO afterwards before adding the punt, which I guess is supposed to a heel move, but the crowd cheers it because they don’t like Cody? Wasn’t Orton already a heel? *1/2.

THIS SHOW COULD HAVE BEEN AN EMAIL.

Legit one of the bottom 10 Wrestlemanias of all time for me. Nothing really bad but there is just nothing here to recommend and the main event was over the top stupid and still somehow incredibly boring at the same time. Thumbs down.