The SmarK Rant for WWE Vault – Terry Funk Mixtape (Part 2)

The SmarK Rant for WWE Vault – Terry Funk Mixtape (Part 2)

Carrying on! The first 90 minutes was some of the most fun I’ve had watching wrestling in a while and hopefully it continues that way.

First up, we join a hardcore match in progress between Funk and Chris Candido from Thunder in 2000, as they fight into a stable and the horse kicks Candido in what I’m assuming was a shoot. That’s a very WCW thing to happen.

Next up, Terry talks about the “throw me a chair” spot from ECW, laughing about getting knocked out cold by one of the flying chairs. “It was a good time” he notes.

ECW World title: Terry Funk v. Chris Candido

From Wrestlepalooza 97 in Philly. Chris is wearing Funk-style tights, and they do some scientific takedown exchanges to start. Funk tosses him out, so Candido beats on him with chops in the ring and Funk bails to the floor. Back in, Funk gets his own chops and Candido retreats to the floor this time and they calmly regroup and take it back into the ring again. Candido immediately throws him over the top one more time and they fight into the crowd this time, and back to ringside where Candido piledrives him awkwardly onto an open chair in a goofy spot. So he tries another piledriver on the table, but the table breaks before he do the move and this crowd has been what I can only term shockingly forgiving of an incredibly shitty match thus far. Back in the ring, Candido with a third piledriver, for two this time. Piledrivers #4 and 5 and 6 follow, and that gets two. Candido with a neckbreaker now, not once, not twice, but THRICE, and that gets two. Funk bails to the floor to regroup from all this, but Candido brings him back in and gives him a neckbreaker on a pair of chairs and Funk does the Curly Shuffle sell, for two. Powerbomb gets two. Funk comes back with his own neckbreaker and follows with a piledriver attempt, but Chris reverses to a rana and puts him down with a clothesline. Top rope rana gets two as they are just not clicking at all. Funk fights back with headbutts and finishes with la majastral cradle at 12:00 to retain. This was pretty awful, just lumbering from spot to spot. *

Back to the WWF, as Terry takes Jimmy Hart camping and Jimmy is a city boy who fears WEREWOLVES. I mean it’s a valid fear. But Terry meant “there were wolves”.

Next up, Terry teaches us about “A Dusty”, which is a 300 pound blob filled with fat and hot air, which can easily be defeated with a handy chainsaw to remove excess obesity and hot air as needed. Also if you breed the remains of the Dusty with a disgusting barmaid, you get “A Dustin”, who is also a jackass and whines a lot.

Dusty Rhodes v. Terry Funk

This looks to be footage from Florida in the 70s, basically just a series of clips of the match that quickly finishes with Dusty injuring Terry’s arm and submitting him with a standing armbar before continuing to brutalize him until Dory Funk makes the save for his brother and is somehow the heel in all this. Dusty was beating the man up after the bell like a maniac! And indeed, the Funk Brothers get revenge and appear to break Dusty’s arm afterwards. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

Terry talks about “hardcore” and describes it as a tough, physical form of entertainment rather than the more specific definition fans have given it.

Terry Funk v. TNT

Off to Puerto Rico in a baseball stadium, as they go brawling into the crowd immediately as the announcer clarifies that this is part of the original tournament for the WWC Universal title. I’m presuming that was won by Carlos Colon. They finally make it into the ring and TNT uses his Caribbean martial arts to take over and runs Funk into the post and they fight to the light standards and of course Funk takes bumps into those as well. Back in the ring, Terry comes back with a sleeper, but TNT throws him over the top for another crazy bump from Funk, and back in for more kicks from TNT as Funk does the rocking horse spot in the rocks. And then a table gets involved and the ref is wiped out, resulting in a double DQ at 5:52. And they just keep fighting off the field.

Terry Funk & Nick Bockwinkel & Steve Regal v. Curt Hennig, Greg Gagne & Jim Brunzell

Off to the AWA in 1985 for a match I have definitely never seen before. Nick beats on Groovy Greg to start, but Greg makes a comeback and chases Nick to the floor. Back in, it’s over to Hennig, who backdrops MR. ELECTRICITY and goes to work on the arm. Brunzell cleans house on the heels, but Funk comes in, billed as “The Bounty Hunter”, and drops Brunzell with a back suplex. Back to Gagne as there’s apparently only 2 minutes left in the match. Bockwinkel puts Gagne in the sleeper, but reverses to his own sleeper and everyone runs in for the brawl. Bockwinkel and Greg collide for the double down and everyone brawls again and it’s a draw at 6:40. I’m assuming that was some kind of “end of the show” time limit deal to explain the incredibly short time limit. Just kind of a random six-man. **

Terry gives a speech at an ECW fan event, quoting Teddy Roosevelt (“Is it the buck stops here?” “No but I probably should have just said that and let you all go home.”) and then gives the fans and the wrestlers a standing ovation and brings the house down.

Back to the WWF, with Terry and Jimmy Hart on the Double Cross Ranch, admiring Funk Country as far as the eye can see, where there’s no Hulk Hogan or Junkyard Dog to annoy him. But there’s no buffalo, which cracks Terry up and stops the take.

Too Much & Jerry Lawler v. Terry Funk, Dustin Runnels & Bradshaw

From Shotgun Saturday Night in June 1998, during the weird period where Dustin was no longer Goldust and had absolutely no direction. Dustin works on Scotty’s arm and Bradshaw comes in with a big boot and corner clothesline, then hits a back suplex off the middle ropes. Over to Brian Christopher, but Bradshaw no-sells his stuff and brings in Terry. And he wants Lawler. So Jerry immediately hits a piledrive, but Funk sends him to the floor for a brawl out there. Funk beats on him out there, so Lawler retreats back into the ring and tags out to Christopher. Funk beats on him with chops on the ropes, and Lawler makes the mistake of tagging back in and immediately takes a piledriver. So Lawler tags out again to Scotty, who puts the boots to Dustin to take over. Too Much with a Hart Attack on Dustin, but Brian misses a blind charge and crotches himself in the corner, and it’s hot tag Bradshaw, who no-sells everything and destroys the heels before powerbombing Christopher for two. And the Texans all team up to clear the ring before the Clothesline from Hell finishes Brian at 9:00. God Bradshaw was just insufferable at this point. At least JBL had a personality. Fun match otherwise. **1/2

Back to the 70s, as NWA World champion Terry Funk sits down with Eddie Graham, the NWA President. Terry promises that they’ll pick contenders together and find people he can beat. But Eddie disagrees and notes that, no, he’ll be giving Terry the best contenders and not just people that are hand-picked. “But I thought we were closest of friends?”

Bret Hart v. Terry Funk

Well this was gonna have to be on here. Of course, the special referee is Dennis Stamp, who finally got booked. This was of course yet another Terry Funk retirement match, back in 1997, before “Terry Funk retirement match” completely lost all meaning. Paul Heyman of course does an awesome promo beforehand putting him over, and awards him a Lifetime ECW World champion belt that he probably reclaimed afterwards because it had to go back to J-Mar for store credit. Bret also puts him over beforehand, but then clarifies that he’ll have to kick Terry’s ass and beat him in his hometown. Funk takes him down with a headlock and Bret fights out of that. Funk with another one on the mat, so Bret twists him up and into a facelock. Funk reverses out to the spinning toehold, the FAMOUS FUNK SPINNING TOEHOLD no less, and Bret has to make the ropes. They brawl outside for a bit and Bret chokes him out in the ring since it’s no-DQ, and Bret slugs him to the floor, clearly playing heel tonight. Bret with a suplex back in the ring and he goes to work on the leg in the corner. Terry tries to fight back and Bret kicks the knee out again, sending Funk to the floor and then beating on the knee with a chair. Back in for a lengthy figure-four, but Funk makes the ropes and slugs Bret down again. DDT gets two. Piledriver gets two. They head to the floor again and brawl into the fairgrounds. Back to the ring, Bret uses the ringpost figure-four and then goes to work on the knee again. Next up, Bret grabs a chair and beats on Funk with that, but Funk gets his own chair and fights back with it. Back to the floor as this thing continues meandering aimlessly, with Funk trying to do one match (ECW brawl) and Bret trying to do another match (Bret Hart lazy house show match), and Funk tries a moonsault off the apron that misses, putting himself through a table. Back in the ring, Bret drops an elbow on him, but goes for the Sharpshooter and Funk cradles for two. Terry goes for the leg and Bret swings freely at him, but Funk takes him down and gets the spinning toehold until Bret cradles for two. They collide for a double down and Funk falls on top for two, and then they do the stupid double suplex spot and Bret gets his shoulder up for the pin at 25:00. God I hate that finish. Fans don’t appreciate that finish either, but it’s not like Funk was really retired anyway. Wasn’t a terrible match but it was overly long and they didn’t really have much to say with it. **1/2.

So that’s where we’ll leave it off for this portion, which was honestly kind of a disappointing 90 minutes compared to the amazing first third. Some interesting rarities but no real can’t-miss bangers this time around.