The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.25.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.25.91

Originally written 07.21.26

Taped from Rockford, IL on 05.06.91, drawing a sellout crowd of 11,500 in fact.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Roddy Piper & Randy Savage

Mr. Perfect v. Jim Evans

Perfect rides Evans on the mat to start while the announcers discuss the mechanics of giving a bulldog the Perfectplex. Savage is confident it can be done. Perfect with the necksnap and we get an inset from Winston the Dog, although he doesn’t have much to say. Perfect with a dropkick and a clothesline out of the corner, and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX at 2:00. Perfect really wasn’t on Superstars much this year and he had only had a couple of appearances left due to the back inury.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND! BROUGHT TO YOU BY SUPERTAPE VOLUME 4!

Oh hey, Andre the Giant is being courted by various managers, with Slick and Sherri both getting rejected. This week, Mr. Fuji takes Andre for dinner and wants to teach him to be mean. VERY MORE MONEY! MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS! So Fuji celebrates with a cake for Andre, but gets his face shoved into it and I guess they don’t have a deal after all. Well there’s gotta be a giant out there somewhere for Fuji to manage, I’d imagine.

Tugboat v. Warren Bianci

Bianci gets some shots in the corner to start, but Tugger shrugs him off and hits him with a corner clothesline before hitting him with a backdrop. We get an inset from Tugboat himself, and he goes WOO WOO because he’s got nothing else going on. Well that would quickly change. Tugboat with a corner splash and big boot to set up the big fat splash to finish at 1:40. Vince: “He looks like he’s getting a little more aggressive these days, doesn’t he?” Wonder if Vince knows something we don’t?

Meanwhile, we meet Troy Zuccolotto, another WBF Championship hopeful who is lifting weights like there’s no tomorrow.

Col. Mustafa v. George Anderson

Mustafa hits a backdrop driver and quickly finishes with the camel clutch at 1:15. I guess that earning a living wage and getting regular work again motivated him a little bit?

Bret Hart v. Gary Wilde

Bret hiptosses Wilde out of the corner. His new gear is a little…busy. He’s got all kinds of pink and white stripes and highlights and it doesn’t really work. Bret with the legsweep and middle rope elbow, and he slugs Wilde down and follows with the backbreaker before finishing him with the Sharpshooter at 2:35. 10 points for the squash, minus several million for the pink boots.

The Nasty Boys v. Red Tyler & Buck Zumhoff

Oh great, this guy again. Knobbs beats on Buck with forearms right away and shoves his face in Sags’ armpit. Hopefully he’s having face shoved into far worse places right now. Over to Tyler, who walks into a sideslam from Sags, and it’s CLUBBERING IN THE CORNER, TONY! FOUR FISTIES ON ONE HEAD! Knobbs with the corner splash and the Shitty Elbow finishes at 3:15.

Meanwhile, the Bushwhackers sell us some Superstars of Wrestling ice cream bars. I understand Albert Patterson sued to get the cookie portion for himself.

The Funeral Parlor with special guest Jake Roberts. Bearer notes that Jake should have called him to embalm Damian because he’s got a casket just the right size for the snake. And then he cackles at his own joke like a good heel. Jake is like “Yeah, but you don’t have a casket big enough for Lucifer” and Paul points out the casket on the set behind him and thinks it would be big enough. Jake disagrees, so Paul goes to check it out and make sure, and then yells “Snake!” and runs off. What, they couldn’t even have the real snake in there to pay off the gag? Anyway, a good segment otherwise.

The Mountie v. Ricky Rice

Mountie beats on Rice while Savage notes that Mountie just wants “complacence” and Rice wasn’t being “complacent.” I think he means compliant but I get where he was going. Mountie with the nerve hold on the mat and the chokeslam to finish at 2:00. And then he zaps him with the shock stick, likely burning the Rice.

The Rockers v. Al Burke & Bob Bradley

Bob is looking particularly cut up here, and Marty hits him with a sunset flip for two right away. Shawn comes in with a back elbow off the middle rope and it’s over to Burke, but he puts his head down and takes a neckbreaker. Meanwhile Savage and Piper have a funny run about how Vince absolutely does not wear a hairpiece. Vince: “In DEFENSE of me?” And the Rockers finish with the double fistdrop at 2:00.

NEXT WEEK: EARTHQUAKE! TORNADO! UNDERTAKER! LEGION OF DOOM! Plus Jimmy Hart has a BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!

I think I know where that last one is going.