The SmarK Rant for WWE Vault presents Wrestling’s Most Terrifying Monsters!

The SmarK Rant for WWE Vault presents Wrestling’s Most Terrifying Monsters!

Well, it’s Halloween night and now the World Series is tied at 3-3 to really raise my blood pressure. So let’s celebrate the season with some found footage from the Vault and do the monster mash or whatever.

First up, we meet the mysterious LEVIATHAN from OVW, who emerges from some kind of post-apocalyptic graveyard and slams dudes while wearing a big chain around his neck. Also he might be a vampire of some kind, we’re not sure. Still not sure how “Batista” was considered to be a better name than this one.

Next up, we go back to Mid-South with Buzz Sawyer, who is a Mad Dog laying out a challenge to Junkyard Dog for a “dog eat dog” fight while he crawls around the swampland and eats dirt.

The Missing Link debuts on WWF Championship Wrestling with manager Bobby Heenan, in a weird pairing. Link squashes some geek and slams him into the corner, dislodging the middle rope in the process, but Bobby talks him out of headbutting the steel post to celebrate.

Next up, we head to Puerto Rico (of course) as Leatherface brings a chainsaw to the ring and then beats his opponent with a wrestling move. And then we get another appearance from him in a high school gym, also with the chainsaw.

Off to Florida, as Kevin Sullivan and his crew of nutcases threaten Blackjack Mulligan, and we meet the Purple Haze (Mark Lewin) while Sullivan talks about “dahk-ness” falling over the promotion. And then we get a promo from them in the locker room, this time going after the team of Blackjack and Superstar Graham. Also, he does a promo complaining about how his men don’t get shots at the NWA World title because they’re prejudiced against them for being undesirables and bad influences. Bob Roop is completely unrecognizable here as one of Sullivan’s minions with half-shaved head and face makeup. Announcer Buddy Colt wonders if they can recruit young rookie Lex Luger, and King Curtis is pretty sure Lex is gonna join up pretty soon. Finally, we get a promo from Sullivan in the river, having a swim, while cutting a nutty promo about Starrcade while his muse chants. As one does. Might have to add some of this wacky Florida stuff to the rotation one of these days. I’ve never really touched it before.

Off to Texas, where Gary Hart introduces the Great Kabuki and his green fingers, who is a “master of ninja style”. So we get a match with Kabuki taking on Kevin Von Erich, which quickly turns into a brawl. Kevin actually has boots here, which is weird. Clipped to Kabuki hitting a superkick out of the corner for a great bump from Kevin, before Kabuki uses the oriental boob claw on him. They fight on the floor while Fritz fights with Gary Hart, and King Kong Bundy (WITH HAIR!) hits the ring and takes out Fritz to draw a double DQ and heel beatdown from Gary’s crew. But of course Fritz makes his own comeback to save his son. Fritz fits in well with the monsters on this show.

THE ZODIAC AND JASON terrorize Stampede, as Zodiac rants while Jason goes ARRRRRRRGH like Lex Luger over top of a green screen Windows XP screensaver. AMAZING. And then we get Jason squashing Hiroshi Hase for fun, as Hase puts Jason in the Scorpion Deathlock to make a comeback, but Zodiac tosses salt in his eyes to break it up for the DQ and the heels murdalize him. Yeah everyone knows how much I loved this stupid shit as a kid, and Jason was legitimately terrifying.

From ICW, Ox Baker promises to bring his friend to take out the babyfaces, and apparently he’s into skulls and black magic.

From Mid-South, as Lord Humungous is introduced via a video package where he tours a factory, intercut with footage of him wrecking people in the ring. Joel Watts was SO GOOD at these things. Also every wrestling promoter in the world probably thanked their lucky stars when The Road Warrior was released because it gave them enough gimmicks for a lifetime. So then we get a match between Humongous and Dick Murdoch, as Murdoch is unable to solve the masked man and discovers that his bionic elbows can’t crack the hockey mask. Humongous smashes Murdoch into the railing outside and back in for a flying hockey mask headbutt to bust him open, before finishing with the cobra sleeper to complete the destruction.

Off to Mid-South again, for one of the all time great video packages, introducing Kamala the Ugandan Giant, walking around the woods and looking scary. Jerry Lawler drew insane money by the standards of the Memphis territory based solely off that video, and then they shipped Kamala off to Bill Watts, complete with the same video, and it was also extremely effective. So we get the debut squash for Kamala, destroying Tim Horner and splashing him multiple times before pinning him. And then we also get the angle where Kamala attacks Andre with a 2×4, which I just reviewed recently, and Kamala slams Andre for good measure.

Next up, with Prince Kharis in SMW, the living mummy, as poor Tim Horner gets squished for the second straight match of this compilation, and Dirty White Boy saves Horner from further punishment by using a chair. And then we get a rpomo from James Van Den Berg, as he cuts off a finger of his mummy to prove he feels no pain.

And where else can we finish but WWECW, with the ZOMBIE, who immediately gets squashed by the Sandman while Tazz and Joey Styles riff on him.

Might as well thrown in a dark match on the Vault I’ve been meaning to review, featuring another monster…

One Man Gang v. Flash Flanagan

From a RAW taping in 1998, as Gang gets a pretty decent nostalgia pop from the crowd but obviously he was well past his sell-by date in 98. Gang chokes him out and slugs away in the corner, but Flash fights back with a missile dropkick for two. Gang catches him with a side slam and puts the boots to him before getting more shots in the corner and dropping elbows on him, but Flash slugs back in the corner and hits a springboard dropkick. Gang somehow gets wrapped up in the corner and Flash hits him with running headbutts, but Gang clotheslines him out of the corner and then splashes him to finish at 6:21. Absolutely awful, as Gang looked like he thought it was still 1990 and he wouldn’t really sell any of Flanagan’s stuff while lumbering around the ring like a 60 year old. No chance he was getting a job based on this performance. Actually I guess he could been stuck in the Oddities as a comedy character or something, but as a serious challenger to Steve Austin to whatever? Forget it. -*

This was a really fun 40 minutes, exactly the kind of thing I like to put on when I want some wacky wrestling history from the Vault.