The SmarK Rant for WWE Network Old School – MSG 11.30.91

The SmarK Rant for WWE Network Old School – MSG 11.30.91

Um, I don’t know when THIS got added to the MSG collection on the Network, but it’s a pretty damn cool show. Like given the lineup I’d assume I would have done it before, but I haven’t. And I’d like to get as many of these done as I can before the Network goes away forever in January.

Taped from Madison Square Garden.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Bobby Heenan & Lord Alfred Hayes

Tito Santana v. Kato

Kato is of course “from Japan”. Kato charges in and Tito uses the cape to evade him and chases him to the floor. Back in, Kate fakes a clean break with a bow and then attacks on the ropes to take over. He manages to evade Tito, but makes the double mistake of both pointing to his head to indicate intelligence, and ALSO turns his back on the babyface because he’s so confident, and that results in Kato getting clobbered to the floor. Back in the ring, Tito works the arm while Bobby assures us that he’s not a betting man. But if he WAS, he’d put his money on Ric Flair tonight. Tito keeps on the arm, but Kato takes him down with a backbreaker, or as Alfred calls him, “Kah-to”. Even Vince is offended at that mispronunciation. Kato goes up and hits Tito with a double axehandle and a backbreaker for one. Kato with a rear chinlock and he works the back. Poor Diamond is a great worker and he has to do all these boring generic heel moves as a part of this loser character. At least Max Moon gave him something a bit more interesting to do. Tito powers him into the turnbuckles and makes a comeback, but runs into a boot in the corner and Kato gets two using the ropes. Tito with his own rollup for two as this referee is like a turtle on its back. Tito comes back and rams Kato into the turnbuckles before slugging him down and hitting him with the clothesline for the 180 sell, and the Pace with Extra Picante to finish at 10:00. A fine opener. **1/2

The Texas Tornado v. The Berzerker

Berzerker goes berserk to start and puts Kerry down with a big boot before putting the boots to him. Shoulderblock gets ONE TWO HE GOT HIM NO HE DIDN’T. Berzerker misses a dropkick and Kerry slugs back and clotheslines him to the floor, and then backdrops him out the other side as Nord is throwing himself around the ring here tonight. Kerry misses a charge and Berzerker gets the heat and they fight on the floor, but Berzerker just wanders around the ring and gets counted out at 2:00 as everyone is completely confused about what was going on. Me too. Even Vince is at a loss to explain that finish. DUD. I’m assuming it had something to do with Kerry being three sheets to the wind and not able to properly work the match, but who knows?

Virgil v. Skinner

Virgil is sadly no longer in possession of the Million Dollar title at this point, thanks to Repo Man stealing it back. Virgil slugs away to start and Skinner runs away, while Vince calls him a DASTARDLY INDIVIDUAL. In particular the tobacco juice spitting really grosses him out. People who shit on their secretaries shouldn’t throw stones, Vincent. They collide in the corner and Virgil goes down, allowing Skinner to take over. Virgil makes a comeback but charges and lands on the floor like a goober, while Vince proclaims him to be the “greatest bodyguard in history”. What about the guy from “You Can Call Me Al”? Back in, Skinner with an inverted DDT for two and a back elbow for a very slow count. “Had he not been quite as rotund he may have gotten into position a bit quicker there.” Vince spitting HOT FIRE tonight. Virgil thankfully finishes with a sunset flip at 6:20. ½*

Hulk Hogan v. Ric Flair

This is the REAL FORBIDDEN DOOR. Yup, it’s the match for revenge at the Survivor Series, although hilariously the New York crowd loudly chants “We Want Flair” and gives him a hero’s welcome. Flair of course is using a tag team title as his “Real World’s title”, which they video distort to hide. I can’t beliee a wrestling promotion would lie to me. Flair throws chops to start, but Hulk immediately cheats and rakes the eyes and back before fighting back with his own chops. Hulk slugs away in the corner and puts him over the top with a clothesline, which is of course ILLEGAL in the NWA and probably should be illegal here if we’re being honest. Hulk with a suplex on the floor and they finally head back into the ring, where Flair immediately hits him with a back suplex. But then Hulk pops up, obviously on something like ol’ Jacked Up Joe Biden, and he no-sells Flair’s chops and sends him over the top again (ILLEGAL! ILLEGAL!) and then throws him back in the ring again. Flair tries to neck him on the top rope, desperate to fight for his life against this cheating son of a bitch, but he goes up and Hulk slams him off the top and continues using ILLEGAL closed fists. Big boot and legdrop gets the pin, but Flair’s foot is in the ropes because Hogan is a desperate cheat. So the ref restarts the match as Mr. Perfect finally comes out, probably having been locked in the dressing room by Hogan and fighting for his life, and that allows Flair to make the heroic comeback and chop Hulk in the corner while Perfect uses his physiotherapy skills to help Hulk stretch out his hamstring a bit. Flair with the figure-four, but Hulk reverses it with help from the biased and crooked referee, so Flair uses a clean punch to the jaw to pin Hulk in 9:31 with no controversy. But that’s never going to stand with Hulk, so he gets the twin referees, who are clearly now on Hulk’s payroll in a stunning reversal of irony, to plant a foreign object in Flair’s tights and disqualify him. I bet the Hebners got paid with bootleg merchandise that they turned around and sold out of their car in the parking lot to launder their blood money. Sickening corruption on every level. ***1/2

The Barbarian v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan

We got a whole lot of nothing for the first few minutes and Barbarian bails and regroups from all the stalling going on and comes back with some CLUBBING FOREARMS to take over. Meanwhile, Bobby Heenan reveals the sordid truth behind the last match, as he has personally spoken with Flair and learned that Flair denies knowing anything about the foreign object that mysteriously showed up in his tights after the clean win. WHAT OTHER PROOF DO YOU NEED?!? WAKE UP, SHEEPLE! Barbarian with a bearhug, which prompts Vince to declare it a SEE SAW MATCHUP BACK AND FORTH. So that’s like Will Ospreay v. Kazuchika Okada in a ******* classic in the Tokyo Dome on Vince’s rating scale, for those keeping track. Duggan breaks free and hits him with clotheslines while we learn that we still have IRS v. Big Bossman to look forward to later.

WAIT DON’T STOP READING.

Duggan suddenly finishes with a forearm out of the corner at 7:50. There are some bizarre finishes tonight. This match SUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED. Larry Zbyszko would have watched it and complained that it was moving too slow. It was terrible, is what I’m getting at. -*

Intercontinental title: Bret Hart v. The Mountie

Aha! In honor of Canada Day this weekend, obviously. Big Bossman immediately runs in and clobbers Mountie, stealing his cattle prod to save Bret. So Bret hits Mountie with an atomic drop and then rams him into the turnbuckles and drops an elbow on him. Mountie goes to the eyes to escape a backbreaker, but Bret bites him while Vince declares that turnabout is fair play. Unless you’re trying to get out of a contract, then FUCK YOU PAL. Bret slugs away in the corner while Vince keeps ribbing Alfred about falling asleep on commentary, but he charges and goes into the post. That gets two for Mountie. Bret takes his patented turnbuckle bump as Bobby explains the difference between a consultant and an advisor (hint: one of them starts with an A) and goes to a chinlock. Bobby reveals that Bret is a quitter and advises putting him a submission hold. Maybe a nice Sharpshooter the next time they’re in Montreal. Bret somehow fights out of this act of police brutality and Mountie hangs him in the Tree of Woe and puts the boots to him, not even reading him his rights. THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT THE AMERICAN LEGAL SYSTEM FROM WATCHING KAREN VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE: Cops don’t have to read you the Miranda rights at time of arrest if they’re not asking you any questions about your alleged crime. But reminder, I’m not a lawyer or an American, so you’re taking your chances from a legal standpoint using anything I say in a real life situation. But if it DOES work and gets you out of a ticket, I charge a 10% consulting fee. They fight on the floor for a bit in an unexciting brawl, and Mountie piledrives him in the ring and uses some turnbuckle smashes for two. Bodypress misses and Bret makes a comeback with the legsweep. Backbreaker and middle rope elbow get the pin at 12:47. Well that was rather anticlimactic, but that was the first time I’ve ever seen him pin someone with that so it’s certainly notable. Good match, as you’d expect from these two. ***1/4.

Big Bossman v. IRS

Oh damn! They should have had IRS testify at Trump’s trial for the hush money. Probably would have been able to get it up to 40 felony convictions when you add the tax evasions in there. And we get right to stalling from IRS as Michael Hayes is like “Damn this guy stalls a lot” before he attacks from behind,but Bossman gives him the POPEYE PUNCH and sends him flying out of the ring again. Back in, Bossman continues kicking his ass all around the ring while running him into the turnbuckles, which for some reason really offends the referee. Bossman with a headbutt into the corner and he follows with a corner splash while randomly stopping to yell at Bobby Heenan at ringside (“How you doing, buddy?”) but he gets distracted by Bobby one time too many and misses a charge, landing on the floor. Irwin drops an elbow on the floor, and back in for more elbow drops for two. Legdrop gets two. IRS with a chinlock and Bossman fights out of that. Back to the chinlock as they speculate on the contents of Irwin’s briefcase. What if it was THE FIEND’S MASK? I bet a bunch of nerds on Twitter would post photos and go “CINEMA!” Chinlocks continue unabated, as the weatherman calls for a 70% chance of chinlocks continuing through the weekend. But then Bossman fights out of it and whips IRS into the corners before grabbing the tie and giving him a SUPER DUPER POPEYE PUNCH. Look, I’m not gonna explain the science, but trust me, spinning your arm around more times hurts more. It just does. Do your own research, read a Physics textbook or something, whatever. But then Mountie runs out and takes out Bossman from behind, only for Bossman to immediately recover and kick his ass outside. Back in, Bossman with a rollup for two on IRS a a big boot for two. And then Mountie runs in to take the ref, and IRS uses the briefcase for the pin at 13:44. Goddamn, no wonder MSG hates people named Haliburton so much. *1/2

The Nasty Boys v. The Rockers

We are nearing the end for the Rockers, as they taped the breakup 2 days after this but continued doing jobs for the Nasties for another month before it aired on TV. After 3:00 of stalling from the Nasty Boys, Sags lays out Shawn from behind and beats on him to take over. Marty comes in with a flying clothesline on the Nasties to chase them out of the ring and the Nasties go back to yelling at the front row and airing their grievances. It’s not even Festivus season yet! Back in the ring, Marty slugs away on Knobs and puts him down with a back elbow before going to work on the arm. Knobs backdrops him, but Marty rolls him into a cradle for two and then goes back to the armbar again. Over to Shawn, who goes up with a flying fist on Sags and then takes him down with an armdrag as well. Vince puts over the friendship of Marty Jannetty, noting that he’s “always calling spots for you in there”. Well we know Shawn can call his own spots just fine. Nasties trap Shawn on the floor and run him into the post to take over, and go to work on him back in the ring. Sags with a rear chinlock as it was in danger of being good again so they had to put a stop to that immediately. Shawn fights out of the chinlock and gets cut off again and Knobs drops an elbow for two. And then we get a bearhug before Sags comes in with a sideslam for two. Worse than Dino Bravo’s. Just saying. Back to the bearhug as this is the longest you’ll ever see Shawn laying down on the mat for anyone. Sags does the Arn Anderson accidental crotch spot and it’s hot tag Marty and he’s more excited than when he learns that he’s not technically related to someone he’s dating! Small package on Sags, but Knobs pushes them over, and then Shawn pushes them back before “accidentally” pushing them back again for the pin at 18:00. This match was so bad that I think it broke up the Rockers. *1/2

This was certainly a show of varying quality, but this era is like a big old bowl of chicken soup for my soul so I love it regardless of the many flaws. I would say to check this one out before it vanishes into the Netflix ether for good in six months.