The SmarK Rant for WWE Insurrextion 2003 – 06.07.03

The SmarK Rant for WWE Insurrextion 2003 – 06.07.03

Originally written 07.25.25

And we wrap up the UK-exclusive PPVs with this one and then I NEVER HAVE TO WATCH ONE AGAIN.

Live from Newcastle, UK, and brought to you by AUSTIN AND BISCHOFF. Is Newcastle the same as Pac’s “Newcastle Upon Tyne”?

Your hosts are JR & Jerry Lawler

WWE Women’s title: Jazz v. Trish Stratus

Jazz is managed by Teddy Long, which I don’t remember at all. JR dubs Long the “dapper yapper”, which I feel like I’ve heard before. Jazz grabs a headlock and rolls up Trish for two, but Trish cradles for two. Trish with a victory roll for two and puts Jazz down with a clothesline for two. Dropkick gets two. Trish with the chops, but Teddy trips her up and Jazz takes over. Jazz with a legdrop for two. Jazz goes to a chinlock but Trish fights back and sends Jazz into the corner for two. Jazz puts her down again and catapults Trish into the ropes, and a suplex gets two. Jazz with a Boston crab while Trish makes the ropes in between adjusting her top. She comes back with a neckbreaker and it’s a double down, but Trish fights back before running into a boot in the corner. She comes back with a handstand rana for two and does the Matrix kick for two. Jazz counters the bulldog into a back suplex for two while the announcers reference the Matrix Reloaded, and they trade cradles for two. Trish with her own Boston crab and she turns it into an STF, but Victoria runs in to distract the ref and Teddy runs Trish into the post and puts Jazz on top to retain at 9:48. Moderately better than a DQ finish I guess. Match was dragging a lot in the middle but picked up with the near-falls at the end and ended up pretty decent. **1/2. Match had NO heat, though.

WWE Intercontinental title: Christian v. Booker T

Christian had won the revived title in a battle royale, and then promptly cut off his hair to debut the iconic look he’s still rocking to this day. Also he’s kind of terrifyingly resembling Chad Kroeger at this point. I kind of want to do a whole Nickelback running gag but that’s a part of my life I’m not proud of and don’t want to relive. I will note that Christian was like “Look at this photograph…it’s your dad and now he’s dead” and leave it at that. JR notes that Christian has a “700 pound haircut” but doesn’t know what that would be in dollars. It would be 1100 dollars in 2003 according to the internets. So a pretty nice cut. Christian takes him down with armdrags while King makes jokes about Booker growing up in the ghetto and going to prison. Booker with a clothesline and slams and he sends Christian to the floor. Back in, Christian chokes away on the ropes and they head to the floor as Christian runs away and hides behind the ref before falling victim to a catapult that gets two. Booker with a backdrop for two and Chrisitian runs away again and necks Booker on the top rope to take over. He goes to the chinlock, but Booker misses a sidekick after escaping and crotches himself on the top rope. They fight to the floor again and Christian chokes him out back in the ring as this match goes NOWHERE. They had a million matches in 2003 and they were all m-m-m-mid as MJF would note. Back to the chinlock but Booker fights out for the double down and makes the comeback with the rollup for two. Christian with the inverted DDT for two. Booker cradles for two and flapjacks him, but the ref gets bumped while Booker hits the missile dropkick for two. Axe kick misses and Christian tries the Unprettier, but Booker cradles for two, and Christian grabs the ropes and pins him to retain at 14:57. THIS IS HOW YOU REMIND ME that these two couldn’t ever really break three stars. ***

Meanwhile, Steve Austin bumps into Teddy Long and accuses him of impropriety with Jazz earlier, and then books him in a TAG MATCH PLAYA with his men Chris Nowinski and Rodney Mack.

WWE World tag team title: RVD & Kane v. La Resistance

The storyline at this point was Steve Austin trying to motivate Kane by tormenting him. Sure didn’t end up well for Kane. Did they seriously lose the rights to “One of a Kind”? It’s overdubbed here on Netflix at least. Also JR acting like RAW is airing live on Sky Sports on Fridays when the show is literally CALLED MONDAY NIGHT RAW shows the usual level of disdain for the audience. La Res goes for the cheapest of the cheap heat by declaring that “France is the best” for boos. Wow how many writers did they need to come up with THAT bon mot? The babyfaces beat on Grenier to start but Kane falls victim to the OUTRAGEOUS FRENCH DOUBLE TEAMING before slugging Dupree down and setting him up for a Rolling Thunder from Rob. La Res bails and Rob hits them with a dive. Back in, Grenier catches him with a DDT for two. La Resistance was like the lowest of the low point for those titles in 2003, although they got moderately better once they switched out for Ron Conway at least. Grenier was just so green that he barely qualified as a wrestler, although Dupree showed potential and he’s actually still around today working indies. RVD is stoner-in-peril and La Res works him over in the corner before Grenier goes to a chinlock. Kane gets a hot tag but walks into a double chokeslam and Grenier gets two. Even JR sounds bored with this match. Rob takes a bump to the floor and Kane has to fight them off by himself, which proves to be super easy, barely an inconvenience, and Rob thankfully finishes with the frog splash at 8:49. Barely a house show level match. *1/2. La Res won the titles a week later for those keeping track.

Meanwhile, Al Snow interviews Goldust about his match with Rico tonight. Goldust had Tourette’s at this point as his wacky affectation.

Goldust v. Rico

Rico drops some elbows and goes to a full nelson as a resthold, and Goldust misses a charge and lands on the floor. You’d think these two would have been teamed up or something, but nope. Rico gets some slaps in the corner as the crowd is DEAD for this, rightly so. Rico with a kick for two and he chokes away and then beats on Goldust’s neck for a bit. Goldust comes back with the nut kick in the corner, but the ref saves Rico and he slugs away on Goldust. Goldust comes back with a slam for two and slugs away in the corner, but Rico gets a neckbreaker for two with his feet on the ropes. Goldust with a powerslam for the pin at 9:53. Yeah they gave these two 10 minutes, whatever. This show was another one where it was rebooked three times on the day of the show and matches like this one show it. ½*

Meanwhile, we get a video package about Classy Freddie Blassie, who had just died at age 85 a week earlier. Now him, I felt sadness for.

Chris Jericho joins us to debut his new international sensation: CHRIS JERICHO’S HIGHLIGHT REEL. Jericho calls the crowd a bunch of “tossers”, which is weird because British sports don’t involve tossing stuff. Also Jericho complains that Newcastle couldn’t even produce the ridiculously expensive Jeritron 5000 for the segment, leaving him with a couple of bar stools. So his special guest is Eric Bischoff, and we get more cheap heat as this goes nowhere, until Steve Austin interrupts. This is a segment on a show people had to PAY MONEY to watch, I remind you. So this goes ON AND ON as Austin does his “What” routine and then we actually get to the POINT, which is that Austin has changed another match on the show, which we’re already 90 minutes into. So he announces that our main event between Nash and HHH is now a street fight, which apparently we needed 20 minutes of bullshit nonsense to discover. So Austin isn’t feeling violent tonight and wants to drink some beer, but then changes his mind and stuns both Jericho and Bischoff. This co-GM stuff was death on wheels. Austin never looked bad or sold for anyone and just went out and sucked up TV time from everyone for months and then left them all laying.

Chris Nowinski & Rodney Mack & Teddy Long v. The Dudley Boyz

I don’t think anyone saw Nowinski being a driving force in the wrestling world changing forever coming. D-Von trades rollups with Mack, and takes him down with a dropkick before going to work on the arm. Over to Nowinski, but D-Von cradles him for two. Over to Bubba, but Rodney doesn’t want a tag, and Bubba clotheslines Chris for two. The Dudleyz clear the ring while Jerry jokes about mad cow disease and how might have some kind of SARS disease, HAHAHA. Cough. Boy that would have been even more hilarious a few weeks back when I was getting over my third major bout of Covid and missing a week from work while struggling to breathe for days. Good times, good times. The heels double-team Spike while I reminisce about SARS viruses and Teddy comes in for some shots. Nowinski with a bearhug while my idiot dog sits on the remote and I debate not turning the show back on again, but I’m made of sterner stuff than that! So back to the UK we go, and Bubba gets the hot tag because reasons and the heels immediately cut him off and Nowinski tries to use the facemask as a weapon and gets foiled. Which is fitting because it looks like tinfoil. Dudleyz with the Wazzup Drop on Rodney and D-Von fetches the tables, but Spike hits Rodney with a double stomp for two. But then Rodney powerslams Spike and Teddy gets two. But Spike tosses Rodney and pins Teddy at 9:52 for the win. Somewhat better than having Covid I guess but a giant mess overall. DUD. And Nowinski goes through the table.

Scott Steiner v. Test

Holy shit dude, I know we justifiably rag on Steiner for taking all the drugs in 2003 but Test more than lives up to his name here. Also his storyline with Stacy appears to be centered around him having dangerous levels of roid rage. Val Venis is the special referee here, after Steve Austin literally just told Sean Morley to be Val again one week. That was a real thing that happened. Too bad he can’t just tell Morley to shut the fuck up these days. He’d be a lot more tolerable doing Venis schtick online instead of spreading conspiracy bullshit. I’m saddened that heel Test no longer has the BIDDY-WIDDY-BOMP-WOMP-BIDDY-WOMP-BOMP theme song and just has generic butt rock now. Test attacks Steiner while he’s perving on Stacy and quips that he’s twice the man that Steiner is. Yes, but only while he’s cycling on the juice. They wander to the floor and Test hides behind Stacy and attacks Steiner while using her as a distraction, and then chokes him out in the corner back in the ring. Yes, Scott Steiner selling as a babyface and fighting from underneath, brilliant. No wonder they made so much money off Scott. Scott makes a comeback but walks into a clothesline and that gets two. Test with a sleeper, but only Hunter could use the MAIN EVENT SLEEPER in 2003 and so Steiner’s arm is able to resist dropping a third time. They should probably do that to Hogan’s corpse before they put him into the ground. I’m assuming the EMTs already administered the arm drop test when trying to revive him, since they didn’t have Macho Man to drop an elbow on him. Anyway, Steiner comes back with a suplex and another suplex for two, but Test hits an Uncle Slam for two. Test of course gets ROID RAGE and that allows Steiner to roll him up for two. Scott accidentally collides with Stacy and Test puts him down with a big boot for two. So now Stacy is selling an ankle injury and Test grabs a chair, but he brandishes it dramatically and allows Stacy to steal it. And Steiner finishes with a flatliner at 6:54. Well this certainly had to rank as one of the worst matches of the year to that point. DUD. They did exactly the same match a week later, move for move, at Bad Blood in case you feel the need to watch it twice.

RAW World title: HHH v. Kevin Nash

Whereas they are building up to HELL IN A CELL at Bad Blood, this is merely a street fight a week beforehand. Shawn and Flair brawl outside to start and Flair somehow gets busted open a minute into the match and he’s bleeding all over the place. So despite this being a street fight with NO RULES, this lawless behavior from the seconds is TOO MUCH for the referees to take and they are escorted to the back while Nash and HHH wander around doing light brawling and letting their friends take all the bumps for them. To the entrance ramp, as Hunter kicks him in the crotch, but Nash gets a chair and uses that for a RIFLE SHOT before they head to the announce desk. Also I love that Kevin’s gear just says “Nash” now on the front, like he’s Ricky Bobby at the end of the movie, sponsored by no one and fighting for himself! Well except for Big Shampoo, but that goes without saying. Nash drops the elbow and FLIPS THE HAIR for two, but Hunter goes to the knee as you can literally see people getting up and LEAVING during the main event of this show. Well to be fair I’ve heard traffic is really bad in Newcastle. I think they’re famous for it worldwide. It just makes sense to get a head start. Hunter goes for the figure-four and Nash counters him into the corner and HHH takes a colossal bump over the post to try and snow people into thinking this is a real match. Spoiler: It’s not. Nash runs him into the stairs and hoists them into the ring like the golden haired sexy monster that he is, but Hunter necks him on the top rope and then menacing slow-walks the stairs at Big Kev before falling over and hitting his own face on them. Whoopsie! I need Maven to do a YouTube video explaining how he takes that bump. Was it a shoot? We’ll never know. So Hunter is bleeding and Nash slugs away on the cut, but sadly the ref is bumped while Big Kev gets the big boot. Hunter goes low and Flair runs out with another chair for some reason despite all the other weapons already used, and Hunter grabs that and knocks Big Sexy out for two. Come on, Kevin Nash doesn’t even get out of bed without a second ref bump. So Flair obliges and beats up the second ref, and that brings Shawn Michaels out to even up the odds and throw more referees around, but then Hunter finds his trusty sledgehammer. KICK WHAM PEDIGREE for Shawn, but KICK WHAM POOCHIEBOMB for Hunter gets KICK WHAM TWO from Charles Robinson, our third referee. So Flair beats him up as well and Nash goes after Flair like it’s 1999 WCW and he’s booking (but not really booking, haha) and Hunter finally uses the HAMMER OF DOOM for the pin to retain at 14:34. 1988 Dusty Rhodes hopped up on cocaine and coffee would have watched this and commented that it was a WEE BIT overbooked. *

FREE AT LAST from the UK only PPVs! I am FINISHED! When you see me reviewing old PPVs next, I’ll be back in the good ol’ USA for 2006 stuff that I missed the first time! USA! USA!