The SmarK Rant for WCW Uncensored 2000 – 03.19.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Uncensored 2000 – 03.19.00

When I started doing these 2000 redoes, I thought it would be a pleasant side diversion, but now shit’s getting real. Did you know that more than 20 million people in the world have DIED since I started reviewing this shows? Do we have conclusive proof that Kevin Sullivan’s booking DIDN’T cause all of them? NO. That’s concerning. Why doesn’t anyone do anything about it? Also Darby Allin got hit by the bus, probably for asking questions about WCW 2000.

Live from Miami, FL, drawing 5000. Oh no, though, it gets worse, because that’s not even paid attendance. Paid was 2700. For a show headlined by Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan! Like they weren’t even trying to pretend that they cared about selling tickets at this point. They actually had sold all the tickets they were going to sell during the presale, which means, as pointed out in the Observer review of the show, that they literally sold zero tickets after spending a month shooting angles and announcing matches.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay & Mark Madden. I can’t imagine Tony sticking around for this shitshow much longer.

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan kindly warns Sid to watch his back in case someone betrays him. Oh and a bunch of other people walk into the arena, including a MYSTERIOUS BLACK LIMO. That’s always trouble.

Cruiserweight title: The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea v. Psicosis

The Prince is apparently going to work in a purple dress shirt and pants, but before we can start the match, Chris Candido interrupts to kick off his epic WCW run that I had literally forgotten about. Prince misses a charge and Psi goes up with a flying rana and clotheslines him to the floor. Meanwhile, Chris whines on commentary about wanting to be called “Hard Knox” because he’s been screwed over and had a hard life. Well he wasn’t lying. For perspective, this is shortly after Tammy went on ECW TV and had a nervous breakdown on national TV while Paul Heyman filmed it in the name of ratings. So Candido wasn’t exactly a hot in-demand talent at this point. Back in the ring, Prince hangs Psi in the Tree of Woe for a dropkick and goes to a chinlock, and then follows with a superkick that misses by a foot and a half but gets two. Psi with a sunset flip for two, but Prince clotheslines him down, barely able to move properly in the stupid shirt. To the top and Psi gets a rana for two. Front suplex and he goes up again, but Paisley interferes and Juvy goes after her, prompting Madden to yell about a catfight in a mildly funny line. Psi with the flying legdrop for two, but he gets distracted by Paisley again and Prince hits his jumping DDT for the pin at 7:22 to retain. This wasn’t the worst Prince Iaukea match I’ve ever seen, although it might have been the worst Psicosis match I’ve ever seen, and if you stop the show here and go do something else, it would probably be for the best because I don’t think it’s getting much better for match quality. *1/2. Also Chris Candido was immediately dead in the water so they were really putting in the work here making everyone look bad.

Lane & Rave v. Norman Smiley & The KISS Demon

Lane and Rave are now “XS” as they continue to burn through gimmick names. Miss Hancock joins us and “XS” tries to send her away, claiming she’s not “rizzat” material. So Hancock claims they have small dicks and she’s found someone to replace them. Honestly she’s the one coming off as clingy in this “feud”. They fight on the floor right away and Norman proceeds to destroying Lane with the spinning slam. Over to the Demon while Hancock announces that LOS FABULOSOS are going to be her new team. You know, they could have just stuck her with Three Count and probably, I dunno, MADE MONEY OFF THEM? She could have danced while they sang? Demon gets double-teamed by XS for a bit but Norman gets a “hot” tag and does his same stuff again until Lane gets a Stroke for two. Demon saves and Lane gets rid of him, but Norman taps out Rave at 3:44 with the chickenwing. Just a bunch of bullshit that meant nothing. DUD. So the heels try to lead Miss Hancock away, and she’s apparently helpless to do anything but walk with them, and luckily Norman Smiley saves her and allows her to dance in the ring again. Why did this even need to be on PPV?

Meanwhile, Booker demands that Kidman watch his back, and David Flair makes Daffney promise to stay backstage. Tony notes that David shows courage to even show up for this PPV. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments.

The Wall v. Bam Bam Bigelow

Bigelow attacks to start, but misses his diving headbutt and Wall gets two. Bigelow runs into him for a double down and that gets two. Wall clotheslines him to the floor as the announcers make up this whole storyline about Bigelow being the teacher and Wall being his student and they fight to the internet table, where Wall chokeslams him through the table and that’s a DQ at 3:31. Epic clash. DUD. David Flair and Crowbar, still wearing neck braces like a pair of Tony Khans, attack Wall armed with weapons and still get their asses kicked by one guy wearing a sleeveless shirt and tie. So then Crowbar and Wall fight to the top of the scaffolding above the stage for some reason, and Wall kicks his ass AGAIN and chokeslams him onto a crash pad that wasn’t even pretending to be anything but a giant crash pad. Well at least that was a safe bump. With all the “EMTs” piled up around Bigelow and looking at the stage, I was worried that someone was going to dive onto THEM for a spot that will be forgotten 2 minutes later and never mentioned again. “I have to apologize because Uncensored has officially come to a stop” notes Tony. First up, never apologize for stopping this show. Second, they immediately throw to Mean Gene for an interview with Brian Knobs, who dedicates his match to Crowbar. So they lied again.

Hardcore title: Three Count v. Brian Knobs

As a reminder, Three Count are collectively the Hardcore champion in a storyline twist that meant nothing and went nowhere. “There are peaks and valleys in wrestling and this is a valley” notes Tenay. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. Also Shane Helms is wearing a protective mask, making him look like some kind of superhero. As if, right? Knobs throws a bunch of crap into the ring, and Three Count immediately grabs it and attacks him with it. They beat on each other with trash cans while Tony somberly declares that we should be sad about Crowbar and Bam Bam Bigelow from the previous segment because they might both be injured. Meanwhile Knobs gets whipped into a ladder and they’re like “LOL look at them hurt each other!” Three Count takes turns diving off a ladder onto Knobs, which is the kind of crazy shit that a SMART COMPANY would use to MAKE MONEY off them, say on the biggest show of the year in a featured position a couple of weeks later, but instead Knobs no-sells it all and sprays them with a fire extinguisher and pins Shane at 3:04. Apparently the match isn’t over yet and he has to beat all three. Lucky us. Next up, Knobs powerbombs Karagias through a table and pins him at 4:20 after they made a big thing about Wall chokeslamming Bigelow through a different table and “ending his career”. So that leaves Shannon. “In many ways this is the epitome of what Uncensored is all about,” says Tony. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. Shannon manages to pin Knobs after a missile dropkick at 5:55 to retain, but his foot was on the ropes so the match restarts, because you can literally pin someone ANYWHERE IN THE ARENA except if their foot is in the ropes. And Knobs hits Shannon with a trash can and pins him to regain the title at 7:10. This show is giving me a headache already. Couple of decent spots. *

Meanwhile, New Harlem Heat has stuff to say.

Meanwhile, BREAKING NEWS: the limo is still parked outside and no one has come out. Goddamn.

Meanwhile, Vampiro rambles about doing bad things and being a bad person. Tony notes that you can subtitle this show “Very Bad Things”. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments.

New Harlem Heat 2.0 2000 v. Booker & Kidman

The seats on the hard cam side have literally been emptying out in embarrassing fashion. Booker and Kidman double-team Stevie to start, but Stevie powerslams Kidman and brings in Big T. Kidman dropkicks him and T falls into the ropes like he’s having a heart attack, and Booker comes in with a sidekick while T struggles to get to his feet again. Kidman goes up and Stevie hits him on the way down while Tenay notes that there’s over 1000 pounds on the heel side. And that’s just Big T! Kidman gets double-teamed and Tony does his highspot of getting his leg in the air for an axe kick. So they haul Kidman to the floor and Big T goes into the crowd and tries his dive over the railing, which reminds me of something that I can’t put my finger on…

Yeah there it is.

I can’t even with this fucking show.

Back in the ring, Big T with a spinebuster for two and I think he’s getting fatter as the match goes on. Stevie misses a charge and Kidman gets a bulldog out of the corner and makes the hot tag to Booker. Bookend gets two, as poor Booker probably tore rib cartilage getting that fucker in the air, but the Heat double-teams him with a double spinebuster. Big T takes down his straps before making the cover, showing what “Big T” really stands for at this point, but Kidman comes in with a sunset flip and pins him at 7:00. He should have done that move 5 minutes earlier because once T was on the mat he wasn’t getting up again, brother. Hilariously terrible and still probably the best match that Harlem Heat 2000 ever had at the same time. ½*.

Falls Count Anywhere: Vampiro v. Fit Finlay

This is not to be confused with the previous Hardcore title match, in which falls could count anywhere BUT the ropes. BREAKING NEWS: Bigelow and Crowbar both have concussions. Maybe they’ll build up to a lumberjack match where all the lumberjacks are wearing neck braces at the next PPV. Fit beats him down and drops an elbow, but Vamp comes back with a spinkick as they’re just a couple of fellas having a match here in this ultra violent falls count anywhere blood feud. Vamp pounds away on the ropes, not even trying to use the cast that they’re both forced to wear because of the unrelated Lex Luger v. Sting feud, and Fit gets the rolling slam before grabbing a chair. The ref prevents him from using it, so Vamp kicks it back in Fit’s face and they fight to the floor while the crowd is just going wild, completely losing their shit while walking to the concession stands to buy more nachos and beer. So they go walking up into the crowd and through the bathroom and they don’t have any lighting so you can’t see shit (pardon the pun) and then it’s into the concourse and I don’t even know what’s going on. Vamp backdrops him onto the floor and finishes with the Nail in the Coffin at 8:42. This gets *1/2 because they went to the bathroom and Madden said someone should use a “uranage” and I laughed at that.

I was wondering why the Dog didn’t come out to help Fit here, but then I remembered that they had a house show the night before in South Dakota near the Noem farm and…well…let’s just say it didn’t go well for him.

WCW World tag team title: The Mamalukes v. The Harris Brothers

Tony, bless his heart, tries to recap the story of Disco and the Mamalukes and make any sense out of it whatsoever. The Harrissseseeses double-team Johnny while the announcers just bury Disco right to his face on commentary, telling them that he’s not even smart enough to use a phone. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. Actually I think that one was supposed to be a shoot comment. Vito comes in and takes over on a Harris while the announces natter at each other. The Mamalukes hit him with their own H-Bomb but it only gets two. So Hugger gets caught in the heel corner and worked over. Sideslam gets two. Johnny gets double-teamed in the corner as this is so boring. Vito gets a hot tag and Hugger gets two after a Hart Attack. But then the Harrisssesess flapjack him for two as this drags on. Spinebuster gets two and the announcers call it the H-Bomb but Disco of all people has to correct them. Do Disco runs in with the tag title and hits a Harris, but Vito only gets two off that. So this keeps GOING and they double-team Vito again, but Disco runs in again and gets taken out this time, and the H-Bomb finishes Vito to win the tag titles at 9:00. A complete mess. ½*. Luckily they did not have a long reign.

Meanwhile, Fit Finlay gives his respect to Vampiro.

Texas Bullshit match: Terry Funk v. Dustin Rhodes

Oh wait I guess it’s a bull-ROPE match, my mistake. Funk brings out his chicken and then notes that he brought “Dustin’s baby brother”, who turns out to be a guy in a chicken suit. Wait…hold up…so you’re telling me that Cody Rhodes’ feud with the chicken goes back TWENTY THREE YEARS?!? Talk about finishing a story. So Dustin dispatches the chicken and Funk slugs away in the corner and hits a DDT for two. Funk hits him with the cowbell, but Dustin kicks him in the nuts to take over and clotheslines him with the bullrope as they’re taking their time actually attaching the bullrope for this bullrope match. They fight on the floor and Dustin finally attaches the rope at 4:00 into the match and my Bluetooth headphones suddenly start disconnecting themselves from the computer in a desperate act of self-preservation to keep me from having to review this show any longer. Unfortunately I have way too many headphones for my own good and I’m able to replace them with a pair that aren’t quite so cowardly. Dustin with a DDT for two. Back suplex gets two. Bulldog on the cowbell gets two. So then the guy in the chicken suit runs in again, complete with chicken clucking sound effects, and Dustin beats him down again. As if someone fighting a guy in a chicken suit would ever get over as a gag. Funk crotches Dustin and then hits him in the chicken balls. So at this point, Funk grabs the mic and announces it’s now an I Quit match. I don’t understand what’s happening here. Funk beats on him with the cowbell and Dustin says he quits, but the ref refuses to accept the loss because there’s no submissions in this match where you can only win by pinfall or submission. So Dustin piledrives him and pins him at 9:12 to win the bullrope match or I Quit match or whatever it is. I’m at the point where I can’t even feel bad for Funk anymore. I mean obviously in the sense that he’s dead now and doesn’t ever have to watch this show again. *

Meanwhile, Sid fully expects something stupid out of Jeff Jarrett tonight. Well it’s the right show for it.

Lumberjack Match where all the lumberjacks are robots who have casts on their arms and when they open their mouths they all shoot bees with casts on their stingers: Sting v. Lex Luger

Oh and Sting doesn’t have a cast on his arm despite being the guy who is supposed to be the wronged babyface. Sting beats on Lex in the corner and drops an elbow on him, and then tosses him into the arms of the lumberjacks, who put the boots to him. Lex sends Sting out into the heel lumberjacks for some stuff, and then Tank Abbott comes out and randomly knocks out Doug Dellinger. Why no blowoff match for THAT feud on this show? And then a bunch of lumberjacks fight to the back while Luger does a chinlock on Sting, leaving only Vampiro. Next up, Flair and Liz come out with a chair while Sting makes a comeback on Luger, but Flair runs in and fights Sting and it goes badly for him. Stinger Splash on Luger, but now Liz hits Sting with the bat, so Jimmy Hart escorts her back to the dressing room while threatening her with Hulk’s weight belt. Hulk, by the way, was the one guy smart enough not to be involved with this. Lex gets the Rack on Sting, but Vampiro runs in and hits them with the bat, and Sting falls on top for the pin at 6:53. So Sting and Vampiro bond after the match as Madden thinks that maybe Sting has finally found someone who won’t turn on him. HAHAHAHAHA yeah right. ½*

WCW World title: Sid Vicious v. Jeff Jarrett

Sid slugs away in the corner, but Jeff pokes him in the eyes and they fight to the floor. So the Harris Brothers come in and double-team Sid with no notes from the referee about maybe not doing that, and Jarrett slugs him down to take over. Jeff with a sleeper and Sid fights out of that and makes the comeback. Sid with the big boot, but a Harris brings the title into the ring and Sid whips Jarrett into that for two. Jarrett goes low to escape the chokeslam and then bumps the ref for good measure and knocks Sid out with the guitar before bringing Slick Johnson in to count the pinfall. Luckily for us, Hulk Hogan saves and beats everyone up single-handedly, legdropping Jarrett and putting Sid on top for the pin at 7:34 to retain. *1/2 Poor Sid looks like the least effective World champion in company history at this point, constantly doing jobs and needing to have his title saved. Mercifully it was about to end soon. I’m feeling bad for SID VICIOUS, that’s how low we’ve sunk. But then Scott Steiner returns from suspension, lays out Hogan with the guitar, and we flow right into…

YAPPAPI STRAP MATCH: Hulk Hogan v. Ric Flair

Flair comes out and straps himself to the fallen Hogan and they fight to the floor, but Hulk comes back and whips Flair in the corner to put him down. Ric comes back and chokes him out with the strap while the announcers repeatedly stress that you have to drag the opponent to ALL FOUR CORNERS in order to win. Hulk goes low and chokes Flair out while the ref reminds them, and us, that there’s no pins here and you can only win by dragging your opponent to ALL FOUR CORNERS. Hulk slugs away in the corner and Flair is bleeding. So Flair goes to the top rope and Hulk slams him off as they fight to the floor again. But now Lex Luger comes out and hits Hulk with a chair and that allows Flair to take over as they continue to fight on the floor and no one has even attempted to touch a turnbuckle. Back to ringside and Flair goes low and chokes Hulk out in the ring, but now Jimmy Hart runs in and gets beat up. Flair finally goes for the corners and touches three, but Hulk clings to the ropes to break the momentum. I should note that they’re gone to an extreme wide angle shot to avoid showing the blood, here on this show literally called UNCENSORED. And then Flair pulls out brass knuckles and knocks Hogan out with them, but that only gets two. Oh yeah they’re doing pinfalls now. Hulk makes the comeback and hits the big boot, then drags Ric to three turnbuckles, but now Luger runs in and Hulk boots him, and then drops the leg on Flair and pins him to win at 13:39. I mean really that’s one of the least terrible finishes we saw tonight anyway. *1/2

THIS SHOW.

WAS SO BAD.

THAT THEY HAD TO RESET.

THE ENTIRE PROMOTION

TWO WEEKS LATER.

Just think about that one. There’s disasters and then there’s Uncensored 2000, which resulted in the firing of the booking team and all the champions getting stripped of their titles because even the people running WCW in 2000 couldn’t take it anymore. This show did so badly that ECW beat them on PPV for the month. But hey, gotta keep pushing Hogan, right? What’s the worst that could happen?