The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 04.14.97

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 04.14.97

Continuing on my quest to finish up the stragglers of 1997 that I haven’t reviewed yet. I’ve got this one and then the November episodes and we’re finished with that year.

Live from Philly, a gigantic sellout of 16000 the night after a fairly notable indie mudshow in the same city. Barely something? Legally Blonde? Anyway WCW actually smashed their own record the month in Boston, with more to come.

Wonder if Bischoff managed to sign any top stars from the other guys while he was in town? I heard there was one guy that everyone was ravin’ about.

HOUR #1! THE HOUR THAT TAUGHT JAGGER HIS MOVES!

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Larry Zbyszko, and they are quickly joined by the nWo, who take over the broadcast location long enough for Nash to spew some bullshit before challenging Lex Luger for later tonight and then leaving.

Chris Benoit v. The Barbarian

Benoit beats Barbarian down in the corner to a MONSTER babyface pop, and a northern lights suplex gets two. Jimmy Hart trips him up and Benoit goes after him with a very scary look on his face, but Barbarian puts him down with a bit boot and presses him onto the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING, to take over. Back in the ring, Benoit makes the comeback and quickly finishes with the diving headbutt at 2:33, but the Dungeon of DOOM hits the ring and they all destroy him until the Horsemen make the save. Short but super hot opening segment. *1/2

Afterwards, Gene chats with Benoit, who promises the sun is about to set on Sullivan’s career.

US title: Dean Malenko v. Hector Guerrero

One thing I always appreciated about good era WCW is that they typically didn’t do non-title matches on TV. If a champion was out there on Nitro, he was assumed to be defending the belt. Not so later in the company of course. A Guerrero/Malenko match in Philly? That’ll never get over. Tony informs us that Bischoff has hired a law firm, and next week they’ll explain why he was literally fired by the head of WCW but he’s still around. I think the explanation ended up being something along the lines of “Trust me, bro” but I don’t recall exactly. Deano takes him down with a crossface and works on the arm, but Hector sends him to the floor. Back in, Dean quickly hits the powerbomb and Texas Cloverleaf to finish at 2:57 to retain. Another quick but energetic match. **

Rey Mysterio v. Juventud Guerrera

They fight for the wristlock and Juvy hits him with a spinkick, but Rey hits him with a headscissors and they both bump to the floor while the crowd chants for some kind of audio recording software. E-Z Dub I think it’s called? Back in the ring after a powerbomb on the floor, and Juvy tries a rollup but Rey blocks, so Juvy gets a springboard bodypress and Rey dropkicks him to block that. West Coast Pop finishes at 3:24. Man I wish they gave these vanilla midgets some more time this week. Another match was about as much action as you could cram into the limited time given. **

Luna Vachon joins Mean Gene and claims to be the #1 contender to the WCW Women’s title held by Madusa. Well Madusa wasn’t the champion but cool story bro.

World TV title: Ultimo Dragon v. Lane Carlson

The future Lenny Lane goes for the arm and Dragon puts him down and has to lead him around the ring by the hand to put him in position for a spinkick and then adds some kicks on the mat. That was BAD. Lane with a fameasser for two but the camera angle was terrible there and you could see how much he struggled to hit it. Bulldog gets two and he clotheslines Dragon out to the floor and comes down with a Buff Blockbuster from the top rope to the floor and how the fuck did those guys both not die? Dragon is like “Fuck this, enough from you” and dropkicks him into the railing before Sonny Onoo puts the kid down with kicks. And back in, Dragon finishes him with a top rope rana and tiger suplex at 3:41. This was kind of amazing, with nerve-wracked Lenny Lane going out there and completely botching everything he did and Dragon having no patience for it but kind of playing along best he could anyway. ½*

WCW Cruiserweight title: Syxx v. Prince Iaukea

Iaukea just got squashed last week in losing the TV title, and was supposedly suffering from crippling rib injuries due to an attack and the match itself, but he’s fine this week, thanks. Iaukea takes him down with a headscissors and dropkicks him out to the floor. Back in, Syxx takes over with Minnesota kung fu, but the Prince fights back for a bit before walking into a spinkick. Syxx with the lightning legdrop for two and he goes to the chinlock, but Prince fights out of that and then misses a bodypress. Syxx beats him down with kicks in the corner and follows with the broncobuster (FACE FULL OF STUFF!) and goes up for a senton that misses. Larry: “If you don’t wrestle with pain, retire!” And that’s why so many wrestlers died of drug overdoses before 40. Iaukea comes back with a slingshot lariat for two and goes up to finish, but Syxx crotches him. Prince fights him off and gets an ugly sunset flip for two, but Syxx PROCURES THE CHICKENWING to finish at 5:45. They were having a good match before the botched finish. **3/4.

Mean Gene is joined by Roddy Piper, Ric Flair and Kevin Greene, as Piper bemoans the absence of the “big bald guy” whenever he’s around. Ricochet? I don’t think he was even born yet. Oh god that’s so depressing I don’t even wanna go down that rabbit hole. Anyway Piper riffs on Right Said Fred and Pee Wee Herman and calls all the nWo members a bunch of guys in the closet and then says he’d barbecue anyone who left a horse’s head in his bed. Also apparently he was on the West Coast and pouring asphalt and cutting down trees and that somehow led to the nWo being born. I don’t understand a word of what he just spewed but he’s very passionate about it. Also Kevin Greene bitches about rookies in the NFL and then Flair talks about Dick the Bruiser. This was all building up a match with the nWo in some form, in case you’re losing track like me. So apparently if you run this interview through the “WCW insider bullshit to English” translator, there was heat between Nash and Flair over booking the six-man at Slamboree and this was supposed to address it somehow.

HOUR #2! THE HOUR THAT STARTED THE WEST COAST PARTY AND THEN COULDN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO STOP IT!

Your hosts are Tony, Iron Mike & Bobby the Brain

Street Fight: High Voltage v. The Public Enemy

This is a rematch from last week’s rather shocking upset, and they all pummel each other with trash can lids and Grunge piledrives Road Rage onto the trashcan. Kaos finds himself with a toilet seat around his neck, as we all often do in life sometimes, but High Voltage comes back and tries a Doomsday Device on Rock, which he turns into a rana. PE stacks up a pair of tables on the outside, making sure to put the CLEARLY UNMARKED table on top, and Rock puts Rage through that and pins him on the floor at 4:41. Well it was energetic and the crowd loved it, I’ll give it that. **

The Giant v. BIG AL

Oh man Giant is gonna chokeslam this geek so hard that he’s gonna have to call 911! Giant slams him and it’s AAAAAAAAAAAATHECHOKESLAM to finish 0:55. Not so big now, Al.

Konnan v. Diamond Dallas Page

God damn, if KDog walked down the street today dressed like that, he’d be disappeared into an El Salvador prison by the end of the day. Konnan chokes him out in the corner, but Page runs him into the corner and follows with a back suplex, and then teases a DDT before spinning into a Diamond Cutter to finish at 2:00. And then BROTHER BROTHER BROTHER BROTHER we get Macho Man interrupting from the stands, telling Kimberly to quit calling him, so DDP runs into the crowd but can’t find Savage.

Meanwhile, Lee Marshall is on the road in Michigan.

Harlem Heat v. Jeff Jarrett & Mongo McMichael

Another rematch from last week, when Mongo ghosted JJ and left him to work the entire match by himself. Booker beats on JJ to start, but walks into a dropkick and it’s over to Mongo. Stevie slugs away and we take a rare mid-match break while Steve throws slams on everyone. Back with the Heat double-teaming Jarrett to take over, and Stevie clotheslines him for two. Booker with his own clothesline for two. Ax kick follows and the Heat do a double suplex for two. Stevie with a chinlock and Jarrett is unable to make the tag to McMichael to escape, so he does a sunset flip for two instead. Booker with the Harlem Sidekick, but Jarrett gets a sunset flip for two and continues not tagging Mongo. So he tries the figure-four and Stevie breaks it up immediately as they all brawl. So Steve grabs the briefcase, but Sherri steals it and gets into a catfight with Debra and I don’t like Deb’s chances there. Nothing really happens as the briefcase has vanished, so the ref just calls for the bell at 10:00 for the DQ and then Sherri finds the case and swings at Debra unsuccessfully. Poor Sherri was trying so hard there to get Debra in position for that briefcase spot and everyone else apparently forgot what the spot was supposed to be. *1/2

Afterwards, Mean Gene chats with Mongo and Jeff, as we learn that McMichael is facing Reggie White at Slamboree in a match that didn’t really mean very much.

Lex Luger v. Kevin Nash

Apparently this match will have some bearing on Luger’s upcoming title match with Hogan that I’m not clear on. Although Tony notes that Nash can’t actually prevent him from getting a title match and the match will happen regardless of what happens here. Also Luger’s title match didn’t actually happen until August anyway. Tony here in 1997: “The guy at ringside is not Sting and I think we know for sure who’s who now.” Cool story bro. Nash beats on Lex with the kneelifts and elbows, but he’s got a ponytail and is thus unable to flip his hair dramatically. So Luger comes back with stomps in the other corner while going AAAAAAARGH after each one and this is like two memes colliding before my eyes. Nash with a sideslam for two. Short arm clothesline and Nash chokes him out on the ropes and drops an elbow for two. It’s impressive how fast they’ve killed off a molten Philly crowd here. Lex comes back with the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH and the nWo all runs in at 4:07 for the DQ. I’m impressed that they even bothered to work a match for 4 minutes before doing that finish. So the Giant slowly walks out to stare Nash down, but then Sting comes out and Tony is absolutely 100% sure that it’s the real guy this time, as he gives the babyfaces some baseball bats. So the nWo all runs away and we’re DESPERATELY OUT OF TIME as nothing has happened as usual.

Kind of a shitty show, but the crowd was super hot until they suddenly weren’t 2/3 of the way into the show and then it really went downhill.