The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 04.07.97

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 04.07.97

I need a break from 2000 Nitro so it’s time to go back and fill in the missing 97 episodes instead. I’ve got 2 from April that need doing, and then the four November ones, and that will finish off the year. I know I haven’t done them lately but I did the early 97 Nitros as a part of WWE 24/7’s Monday Night Wars shows so they’re in the archives.

We join things in a cold open with Randy Savage trying to slap Kimberly around at the end of Spring Stampede, but that’s too much even for Bischoff and there’s TURMOIL IN THE NEW WORLD ORDER.

Live from Huntsville, AL, drawing 6000 for their first non-sellout in months. The show still destroyed RAW by the biggest margin ever to that point, 3.7 to 2.1.

HOUR #1! THE HOUR THAT STOOGED VINCE MCMAHON TO THE WALL STREET JOURNAL!

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Larry Z

Hugh Morrus & Konnan v. Alex Wright & Psicosis

Kind of hilarious to hear the announcers talking about the fracturing nWo and people grabbing power, here in early 1997 when we still less than a year into the storyline. Wright evades Morrus and dropkicks him down for two, and Psi comes in and immediately gets double-teamed by the Dungeon. Konnan with the rolling clothesline, but Psi goes up and hits Morrus with a moonsault to the floor to take him out. Back in the ring, the heels double-team Psi again while we get an inset of DDP arriving and still making threats to Randy Savage. Morrus with a powerslam and he goes up, but misses a flying elbow and it’s hot tag Wright. He slugs away on both Doomers and hits Morrus with a high cross for two, but Morrus cuts him off with a neckbreaker and finishes him off with No Laughing Matter at 5:00. Just a standard tag match. **1/4

Lord Steven Regal v. Rey Mysterio Jr.

Regal puts Rey down with forearms and puts the boots to him and we cut to what Tony calls (checks notes) “the backstage area” as Hulk Hogan and the nWo arrive and Hulk rambles about “family business”. Good thing we cut away for that. Also Tony needs to lay off the inside baseball terms like “backstage” if he wants people to keep up with the storylines. Back with Rey trying a comeback and he sends Regal over the top and to the floor. Regal tries to come in via the top rope and Rey brings him down for two. Rey with a rana for two. Regal cuts him off with an inverted suplex and puts him in the Regal Stretch, but Rey makes the ropes. But Regal won’t break, so the ref calls for the DQ at 4:30. LAME. Not much to this one. **. Prince Iaukea tries to make the save, but Regal kicks hia ass as well and puts him in the stretch, making him look like even more of a goober.

Meanwhile, we get another limo with another nWo “faction” led by Kevin Nash, including such luminaries as Michael Wallstreet and Fake Sting.

Ice Train v. Chris Benoit

Our Lady Peace busted out “Whatever” at the show they played here in Saskatoon last week and MAN was that pretty awkward in the arena. I admire their desire to take the song back because of the message it conveys and stuff, but maybe they should retire it again. Train with a press slam while we do another inset with the nWo squabbling about nothing, and Savage even busts out “It doesn’t work for me, brother” to make a point to Hulk. Back to the match, Benoit takes out Teddy Long and hits Train with a DDT for the pin at 3:00. Are we gonna see ANY of these matches actually take place this week?

Meanwhile, Dennis Rodman and JCVD have the world premiere for “Double Team”, the greatest movie ever to feature a Coke machine as the climactic hero of the story. Also Rodman and Hogan do a promo together and they sound high as fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Kevin Sullivan v. Hector Guerrero

Damn 1997 Hector is a dead ringer for 2004 Eddie. Sullivan faceplants him and puts the boots to him before chopping him down. Hector bails to the floor and Jackie kicks his ass and suplexes him on the floor. Back in, Sullivan tosses him out again and Jackie gets more punishment on him and slams him on the floor. Kevin hangs him in the Tree of Woe, and then finishes with the double stomp at 2:48. Complete squash for Sullivan. On the bright side we didn’t cut away to the nWo during the match.

The new World order joins us and Ted Dibiase wants to lay everything on the line. So Hogan wants to know if Nash has a problem with recruiting Dennis Rodman, but Nash of course is a former basketballer and welcomes a top athlete like Dennis. He’s just a little grouchy because he wasn’t booked for the Easter hunt. What? Also what’s up with Scott Hall, Hulk demands? Kevin clarifies that Scott is nWo 4 Life. And apparently they’re all nWo 4 Life and they do their stupid finger gimmick and work things out. After what felt like TWENTY MINUTES of talking it out. People love badass heels going into mediation.

HOUR #2! THE HOUR THAT NOMINATED LINDA MCMAHON FOR THE CABINET POSITION!

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay & Bobby Heenan

Ric Flair joins Mean Gene in the ring, although not quite in the shanks of the evening yet. Ric calls out Roddy Piper, who riffs about nothing and calls the nWo smelly, and they bring out Kevin Greene, who acts all crazy and I have no idea what this was. I guess it was setting up a match with the nWo? Actually yeah I guess that was the main event of Slamboree come to think of it.

US title: Dean Malenko v. Chris Jericho

Dean gets a rollup for two and Jericho hits him with an enzuigiri and chases him to the floor for the springboard dropkick. In this case more of a springboard shoulderblock but it was early in Jericho’s run. Back in, Jericho with a backslide for two. Malenko comes back with the powerbomb and cloverleaf, but Jericho is in the ropes. They head to the top and Jericho brings him down with a superplex for a double down. Jericho kind of knocks himself loopy on another springboard, so Malenko punts him and pins him at 3:00. I don’t think it was an actual injury though. Nothing to the match, it was too short for anything. *1/2

HIGH VOLTAGE v. Public Enemy

I’m surprised that the WWE Network didn’t replace High Voltage’s theme, which granted is just the sound of electrical arcs, but they could be COPYRIGHTED electrical sounds and thus in need of replacement with more generic ones. It’s a big brawl to start but TPE double backdrops Robby Rage and hits Kenny Kaos with a double suplex. Sadly Rocco gets sent to the floor and High Voltage uses their forearms and shoulderblocks to put him down for two. How the fuck do these two guys even move? Grunge gets a hot tag and they take Kaos to the floor and put him on a conveniently situated table, which is covered in tape so there can be NO CONFUSION about which table is the gimmicked one. But Grunge misses a dive and goes through the table, and Rage finishes Rocco Rock with a northern lights suplex at 3:00 for the SHOCKING upset. Get it, shocking? Never mind. Terrible match that was basically Grunge and Rocco hurling their bodies around the ring to pretend like High Voltage were capable of doing anything. DUD

Afterwards, Public Enemy talks about their humiliating loss with Mean Gene and challenge them to a Philly Street Fight next week. Grunge promises to put “the E in excitement in WCW” which is absolutely a thing that people say and makes complete sense.

Meanwhile, Prince Iaukea gets his ribs taped up in advance of his title defense later tonight.

Harlem Heat v. Jeff Jarrett & Steve McMichael

Mongo is late here, although Debra seems unconcerned and Jeff goes it alone. Stevie puts the boots to Jeff in the corner and chokes him out before hitting a slam. Stevie with a clothesline and legdrop for two. Booker with a forearm shot for two. Booker with the axe kick and Stevie puts the boots to JJ and follows with a pump kick for two. Jarrett with a small package on Booker for two and a sunset flip gets two, but Stevie makes the save. Heat with a delayed suplex, so delayed they should call it Fenix’s contract release, and Stevie gets two off that. Jeff misses a dropkick and Sherri gets some shots from the floor as this drags on and on, and Jeff gets a backslide for two. Booker misses the sidekick and crotches himself on the ropes, and Mongo finally saunters out to get the hot tag. So he cleans house and then tags Jarrett back in to finish things off, at which point JJ walks into a Harlem Sidekick and gets pinned at 8:50. On the bright side, we didn’t have to watch very much of Mongo in the ring here. **1/2

Afterwards, Gene is looking for answers from the Horsemen but it’s 1997 WCW so good luck there. So Jarrett yells at Steve about missing the match and Mongo gives an incomprehensible reply about football and tells Jarrett to “be very afraid”. Even the announcers are like “He didn’t ever answer the question”. I don’t think this ever actually went anywhere, at least no time soon.

Meanwhile, Lee Marshall has our 1-800-COLLECT Road Report, where he’s eating Philly cheese steaks in Philly because he’s totally in Philly for next week’s show.

WCW TV title: Prince Iaukea v. Ultimo Dragon

Dragon quickly goes after the ribs, but Iaukea cradles for two. Backslide gets two. Dragon kicks him down and goes up, but lands on Iaukea’s feet and the Prince makes a comeback and Bobby talks about how Iaukea took 20 minutes to get out of his car when he arrived because he was in so much pain. He literally suffered the injury earlier in the show, Bobby. Good lord. Dragon hits him with a bunch of kicks to the ribs and pins him to win the title at 2:00. And that was the end of the Iaukea experiment, thankfully. ½*

The Giant v. Scott Steiner

No match, as the Dungeon of Doom attacks Scott in the aisle and lays him out, but the Giant makes the save and they chase the bad guys to the back instead of wrestling. Crowd boos the crap out of that one.

Diamond Dallas Page joins us for the main event interview and points out that he would have killed Randy Savage if he caught him smacking around Kimberly, and challenges Macho Man to face him RIGHT NOW. Dude there’s like 3 minutes left in the show. It’ll take that long just for the nWo to make their entrances. So Hogan and Savage come out to answer, but Sting rappels from the rafters and the announcers are instantly sure it’s the REAL STING, as Sting gives his bat to DDP and we get a big staredown to end the show.

Really nothing much to this one on the night after Spring Stampede, but the whole company was kind of in autopilot until the summer anyway, with all the Horsemen drama that went nowhere and groups teasing breakups every week.