The SmarK Rant for Pro Wrestling This Week – 08.01.87

The SmarK Rant for Pro Wrestling This Week – 08.01.87

Thank god the editing of this rip omits Tommy Rich’s crotch flying at our face this week.

Your hosts are Gordon Solie & Joe Pedicino

First up, we head to World Class!

Brian Adias v. Kevin Von Erich

Adias pleads for cooler heads and a truce between them in the name of their longtime friendship, and then attacks him when Al Perez tries to interfere. So Kevin gets rid of Al and puts Kevin in the IRON CLAW, but Al lays him out with a chairshot to break and beats on him until the Simpsons make the save. This eventually set up Al Perez beating Kevin for the World Class title and kicking off the downfall of the company, so there’s that. Not saying Perez was particularly responsible but by 1988 there sure wasn’t much left of the promotion’s glory days.

Next up, the NWA. Lex Luger has beaten Nikita Koloff to win the US title! Also Jimmy Garvin had his knee injured in the match with Ric Flair where Flair got Precious for a night.

Jimmy Garvin v. Manny Fernandez

Joined with Manny working on the injured leg with a toehold that turns into a leglock on the mat, but Garvin kicks him into the corner and cradles for two, prompting Paul Jones to run in for the DQ. And they further brutalize the knee, as Ivan Koloff holds Jimmy down and Manny comes off the top rope with kneedrops onto Jimmy’s bad knee until Ronnie Garvin makes the save.

To Memphis!

We meet Bill Dundee’s old friend George Barnes, the THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER, who buries Rocky Johnson in an interview with Lance and declares himself to be just as great as Dundee. Also he decked Rocky mostly because he just doesn’t like him. So later, Rocky Johnson & Bill Dundee are seemingly going to be forced into teaming up by Eddie Marlin, but Rocky points out that he never actually signed the contract and only Bill did. This was kind of weirdly lacking context and didn’t show the payoff. Also a weird inclusion in Memphis, as Barnes had been out of the business since the 70s from what I can tell and just came in for a few weeks to work with Dundee and then left again.

Mat Classic: No match this week, as instead they do a music video of old black and white footage set to “Old Time Rock N Roll”. That’s certainly a choice.

Off to Continental, as Jimmy Golden and Robert Full interrupt a Nightmares interview where they’re celebrating with Ken Wayne’s younger brother. And the kid gets laid out by the Stud Stable with a baseball bat, leaving Ken swearing revenge. So later on, Fuller and Golden win a squash, but the Nightmares hit the ring and the heels run away.

Sound Off! With Boni Blackstone!

Some dummy wants to know what happened to the Fabulous Ones, months after Stan Lane had been on NWA TV as half of the Midnight Express. Idiot. Also someone wants to see Tully defend his TV title without JJ Dillon. Does this dummy also want football teams to play without a coach? Idiot.

Moving on…

What’s happening in the AWA?

Wahoo McDaniel & DJ Peterson team up to squash a pair of scrubs and Wahoo pins him with a chop. So in answer to the question, nothing is happening in the AWA.

To the UWF…

The Lightning Express beat the Terminators to retain their UWF tag team titles when Terry Gordy drops an elbow on a Terminator, seeking revenge against Akbar’s guys.

Bruce Hart, Brian Pillman & Owen Hart v. Rotten Ron Starr, Kerry Brown & Duke Myers

We’re deep into my safe space now with this one. Joined with Starr whipping Owen around the ring, but Owen comes out of the corner with a sunset flip attempt where Starr can’t get his body over, so Owen pretty much muscles him into the cradle for the pin. The heels go after Owen and tie him in the ropes, so Stu Hart makes a rare appearance and kicks the crap out of Starr.

To the Wild West promotion next.

John Tatum, Jack Victory & Eli the Eliminator v. Solomon Grundy, The Missing Link & Savannah Jack

Joined with them being all BONZO GONZO and slugging it out in the ring, but Iceman Parsons quickly runs in for the DQ.

Paul E. Dangerously joins us next, still ranting about Lou Albano, who is a fat pig that couldn’t get into Paul’s neighborhood back in 1981 because he was so fat and classless, unlike Paul.

Bill Apter joins us with the PWI Top 10!

1. Ric Flair
2. Hulk Hogan
3. Lex Luger
4. Steve Williams
5. Barry Windham
6. Nikita Koloff
7. Randy Savage
8. Curt Hennig
9. Mike Rotunda
10. Ronnie Garvin

Oh also we’ve got…oh no…the NWA Top Ten.

By consuming NWA Top Ten, you acknowledge and accept the following risks, responsibilities, and undeniable truths:

1. May cause extreme confidence – Side effects include believing you can run a marathon with zero training, freestyle rap better than your favorite artist, and lift a car (please don’t try).
2. Not responsible for questionable decisions – If you text your ex, start an underground fight club, or legally change your name to “Thunderstrike,” that’s on you.
3. Contains energy levels bordering on sorcery – Our scientists assure us it’s just caffeine, B vitamins, and pure, unfiltered hype, but if you suddenly develop the ability to hear colors or time-travel by accident, please report your findings to us immediately.
4. Do not consume if you value sleep – Unless you enjoy staring at the ceiling at 3 AM, planning your entire life, and wondering if raccoons have a secret government.
5. Not FDA-approved (but highly street-approved) – While the FDA has yet to confirm that NWA Top Ten will make you more attractive, funnier, and slightly better at dancing, thousands of satisfied customers insist it probably does.
6. Might inspire spontaneous greatness – Side effects include suddenly nailing a perfect 3-pointer, breakdancing in public, or writing a bestselling novel in a single night.
7. Drink responsibly (or at least legally) – If you attempt to ride a shopping cart down a steep hill or challenge a kangaroo to a boxing match after drinking this, that’s between you and your legal team.
8. Not suitable for pets, children, or your overly chill friend Chad – Chad just isn’t built for this kind of intensity.
9. No refunds for becoming too awesome – If after consuming NWA Top Ten you find yourself living a life of action-movie-level excitement, we cannot be held liable for your newfound fame, success, or inability to stay in one place for too long.
10. Consume at your own risk, and may the hype be with you.

By reading this, you agree that you’re ready for the ride of your life. Buckle up.

1. Ric Flair
2. Lex Luger
3. Nikita Koloff
4. Dusty Rhodes
5. Tully Blanchard
6. Barry Windham
7. Mike Rotunda
8. Ronnie Garvin
9. Michael Hayes
10. Road Warrior Animal

This week’s editorial from Bill: Manager interference is DISGUSTING. Especially Jimmy Hart saving the Hart Foundation retain the tag team titles! Everyone needs to write in to the promotions and end this madness. Hot take from Apter there.

Moving onto Portland…

Art Crews v. Billy Two Eagles

Crews is in control and Billy makes a comeback with a missile dropkick and some chops, but Super Ninja runs for the DQ, giving us the ninja v. Indian Chief showdown that we’ve all dreamed about.

Off to Puerto Rico…

Victor Jovica & Pepe Gomez v. Inferno #1 & Cowboy Lang

Jovica of course has some fame as being as the recipient of a title win against Ric Flair that was overturned a few days later. Gomez pins Lang with a rolling cradle for the win.

To the WWF, where Tom Zenk has QUIT the wrestling business and disappeared, perhaps for good.

And it’s time for our feature match of the week:

NWF World title, cage match: Wendi Richter v. Heidi Lee Morgan

Morgan was barely out of her teens at this point and this is the Jersey-based National Wrestling Federation. They fight up the side of the cage and the announcers put over “all the action happening” while they’re just standing on the ropes and hugging. And then Wendi hits a suplex and walks out the door for the win.

And of course, our Wrestler of the Week can only be one man: Stu Hart. No really.