The SmarK Rant for Prime Time Wrestling – 11.08.88

The SmarK Rant for Prime Time Wrestling – 11.08.88

This is a very special THREE HOUR episode of the show from 1988, which I had intended to review ages ago but forgot as usual. But what with whatever’s going on in France at the moment in everyone’s minds, I thought this was a good time to finally review the WWF’s first big televised show from Paris France. Yes I know Backlash France would have been a better time, thank you for the input.

Kind of surprised this one never warranted a full Coliseum Video release, actually. Given their propensity for milking just about any special event for a tape cash-in.

Taped from Paris, France on October 7 1988.

Your hosts are Monsieur Bobby Heenan & Monsieur Gorilla Monsoon

Greg Valentine v. Don Muraco

So in a tremendous bit of WWE Network wackiness, they have replaced “Jesus Christ Superstar” with a clear ripoff of “The Final Countdown” instead, complete with the exact synth riff. Well, it IS Europe. Muraco slugs the Hammer down right away and goes to work on the arm as the crowd is, as the French say, “la silent”. Can’t imagine why with an opener like this. Hammer misses a blind charge and hits the post, and Valentine talks a walk for a bit before Muraco goes back to the arm. Muraco with an atomic drop and Valentine does some goofy selling of that, and Muraco goes right back to the arm again as we have to take a break in the action. That’s a shame. Back with Muraco missing a charge and Hammer taking over with an elbow off the middle rope and a fistdrop for two. This crowd is so quiet that it’s like someone asked “Do we have any volunteers to fight Germany?” Valentine does the goofy spot where he tries a knucklelock and lands on Muraco’s knees, and we get more goofy selling off that from a clearly bored Valentine. So Valentine wraps the knee around the post while the ref clearly warns him not to do it or face DQ, and then does nothing about it. Gorilla of course jumps on that immediately. Hammer continues working on the knee while Gorilla notes “Muraco has looked a little lethargic” in what the French call “le understatement”. I’ve seen mime routines that are harder hitting. Muraco makes the comeback to finally get some small reaction from the crowd, swinging at air while Valentine continues his goofy selling, but the ref is bumped and unconscious on the mat. He fits right in with this match. Muraco with a shoulderbreaker for the visual pin, but Hammer leads up the shinguard and knocks Muraco out for the pin at 14:34. This was tremendous if you’ve been suffering from insomnia and needed something to put you out. -*

Junkyard Dog v. Andre the Giant

Oh yeah I remember reviewing this one before. So Dog has a chain and Andre refuses to step in the ring with him while he has it, so we get a literal TEN MINUTES of stalling as Andre walks back and forth to the dressing room protesting while Gorilla makes jokes about Terry Garvin. Finally the match starts and Andre immediately chokes him out and dumps him to the floor. Back in the ring, Andre boots him down in slow motion, but falls into the ropes and gets tied up. So Dog headbutts him in the belly a few times, blowing himself up, and then chokes Andre out and somehow manages to look like he’s been at the opium den for 10 hours and barely able to stand from exertion. So Andre gets free and undoes a turnbuckle as they stumble around like something out of a deleted scene from Heroes of Wrestling where the promoter thought the match would be too embarrassing to air on his PPV. Dog runs Andre into the exposed steel after a struggle that burns another few minutes, but Andre just swats the Dog down and pins him with his feet on the ropes at 7:16. -***. If they gave out Olympic medals for shitty matches this would have won gold.

WWF Women’s title: Sensational Sherri v. Rockin’ Robin

Gorilla makes the ludicrous claim that Sherri never defended the title and was about to be stripped of it for not defending if she didn’t defend it here. This was of course a complete lie, as Sherri was beating Robin around the house show circuit for months previous to this. Robin attacks at the bell and dropkicks Sherri to the floor, but Sherri necks her on the ropes for two. Robin takes her down with a headlock and then hangs onto it while pulling on Sherri’s hair. Nothing but bad eggs in THAT family, I see. Robin gets a bodypress for one and goes back to the headlock while Gorilla reminds us that no one ever got pinned with a side headlock. Well sadly he didn’t live long enough to see MJF do it. Robin continues holding the headlock and Sherri yells at the ref about it, so Robin rolls her up for two. Gorilla ribs Bobby about never having a champion in his stable, but THAT was about to change shortly. Sherri reverses to a full nelson, but Robin gets her own as this match is going nowhere. Sherri puts the boots to her in the corner, but Robin runs her into the four different turnbuckles and gets a clothesline for two. Sherri tosses her and works her over in the corner, but Robin rolls her up for two. Sherri goes up and Robin slams her off, but Sherri stalls as this match continues going nowhere. There is just nothing happening with this thing and no particular flow or story to the match. Sherri charges and hits the corner by mistake, and Robin gets two. Robin misses a dropkick and Sherri gets two off that. Robin with a sunset flip for one, but Sherri gets a legsweep for two. Sherri puts her in the corner, but Robin hits a bulldog for the pin and the title at 12:38. *1/2 The title reign was SUCH a rousing success that Robin left the promotion six months later and took the title with her, and they retired it and didn’t bring it back for 5 years. Well at least she didn’t take it to WCW and throw it in the trash can, I guess.

Barry Horowitz v. Leaping Lanny Poffo

A prancing minstrel who does poetry and flips instead of fighting? Surprised that Poffo didn’t walk out of France as their new World champion. He even does his poem in French to make sure he’s the babyface! Horowitz attacks on the ropes while Gorilla makes another “Terry Garvin school of self defense” reference about Barry, but Poffo dropkicks him out of the ring. Bobby accuses Poffo of being the Blue Blazer, but I think he’s confusing Lanny with another younger brother of a famous wrestler. Poffo works a wacky headlock spot on Barry to chase him out of the ring again while Gorilla and Bobby start on a whole run about Mann’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood and they’re just riffing off each other as we take a break. Back with Barry in control with a legdrop for two, but Poffo makes a comeback until he misses a charge and Barry beats him down again. Poffo fights back, so Barry pokes him in the eye and hits a kneelift for two. Horowitz with a bearhug while Gorilla does on a whole deal about how Terry Garvin loves pastries and doughnuts and that’s why he’s on this trip. Sometimes I feel like I need a translator for these references. Poffo makes a comeback in the meantime, but Horowitz gets a cheapshot and tosses him. Bobby of course denies ever throwing a man out of the ring so he can get a rest. Poffo fights back in, but Barry stomps him down and chokes him out on the ropes to set up a cradle for two. Backbreaker and he goes up, but Poffo kips up and slams him off, before doing something resembling a springboard senton for the pin at 15:00. I think he was actually trying a 450 there, which would have been something in 1988, but he slipped and couldn’t get enough traction. Still, impressive attempt. Match was OK but overly long. **

Meanwhile, Mean Gene is back in the good ol’ USA. And for no particular reason, here’s Hulk Hogan v. King Haku from Saturday Night’s Main Event that I’ve already reviewed 50 bazillion times. They’re literally giving Lanny Poffo v. Barry Horowitz 20 minutes with intros and they don’t have enough to fill a three hour show?

Hulk Hogan v. King Haku

So with Hogan having dispatched one King on this show earlier in the year, he now has a chance to take out the replacement. Speaking of replacements, Elizabeth is with Hogan “on loan” from Randy Savage, and Jesse Ventura feels like this is a bit peculiar. It’s a DAMN SIGHT peculiar. Hogan holds the ropes him for Liz just to make own partner look like a punk. Nice passive-aggressive shot at your supposed best friend and Megapower partner, jerk. And everyone knows Hogan would slap his own grandmother upside the head for an extra 2 points on his merchandise, he’s not fooling anyone with this “chivalry”. Haku attacks to start but Hulk slugs him down and rakes the back like a cheating lowlife, then rakes Haku’s eyes with his boot. Then Hulk goes after Bobby for literally no reason, big man that he is, and thankfully Haku gives it right back to Hulk with some eyerakes and choking. Two wrongs make a right, as the saying goes. Haku hits the SUPERKICK and puts Hulk on the floor because he chooses to run away from Haku like a coward rather than face him. And then Haku comes off the apron with a flying chop, but Hulk pulls Bobby in the way like a goddamn COWARD again, probably messing up poor Bobby’s neck again as a result. What a monster. We take a break as Hogan tries to steal the crown for himself, which is certainly on trend for him, and return with Haku putting him down with a headbutt and stomping away on him. Suplex gets two, but Hulk makes the comeback. Hopefully he can hold his own without a manager to beat up. Big boot and legdrop finish at 8:18 as he makes sure to kill the new regent’s heat barely a month into his reign. And then he brainwashes Liz into joining his cult by getting her to pose with, before sexually assaulting her by grabbing her by the ass and carrying her around the ring. No wonder Savage kept her locked in the dressing room with this pervert running around. **1/2

Back to France again…

WWF tag team title: Demolition v. The British Bulldogs

Smash beats on Davey with forearms to start, but Davey gets a rollup for two and fights back with his own shots. Sunset flip gets two. Davey goes to work on the arm and the Demos do some double-teaming in response, but Dynamite takes Ax down and works on his arm as the Bulldogs take over again. We get some switcheroo behind the ref’s back, and to be fair the Bulldogs look quite a bit alike and French audiences are kind of racist and can’t tell British people apart anyway. The Bulldogs let Smash tag in and and then take him down and work his arm as they are certainly taking their time getting to the point in this one. Finally they take Davey to the floor and put the boots to him, and Gorilla suddenly goes on a political rant about how it doesn’t matter whether Bush or Dukakis wins the Presidency because it’s just big business running the country anyway. No wonder he was such a President of the people a decade later. Demos work on Davey in the corner as this one drags on with kicks and punches. We take a break and return with Dynamite now taking the beating, and the Demos trading off on restholds until Smash misses a charge, but Dynamite does a cover instead of tagging and gets thrown out of the ring. Smash suplexes him back in and it’s more listless double-teaming in the heel corner as Ax goes to a chinlock while Gorilla gets bored and just starts feeding Bobby straight lines to generate some conversation. Ax with a nerve hold in the corner and the Demos cut off another tag attempt and goes back to the chinlocks. Finally Davey gets the hot tag TWENTY FIVE MINUTES into the match and runs wild with a crossbody on Ax for two. Kid with a clothesline and snap suplex for two and it’s LE BONZO GONZO, but Ax hits Kid with a clothesline on the way out of the ring and Smash falls on top for the pin at 26:41, while the camera is focused on Ax and Smith on the floor. Worst match these two teams have ever had with each other. *

Meanwhile, back in MURICA, Mean Gene freestyles and we get yet another match from Saturday Night’s Main Event.

Rick Rude v. Jake Roberts

Yes, as usual now, Rude’s “music” is overdubbed into a cacophony of garbage noises, although it’s still better than Skrillex or whatever other music that the kids like these days. Jake does a hell of a promo with Cheryl beforehand, declaring that he’s not offended by Rude because you have to be a man to offend him and Rude isn’t one, but Cheryl is offended and that’s good enough for him. And Cheryl offers Rude a fig leaf to wear once Jake rips the tights off him and exposes “Little Rick Rude”. As usual, the program was completely burned out on the house show circuit by this point, but this was still new for the TV audience. They immediately go after each other while Jesse makes “Robin Givens” comments about Cheryl. What, did Tyson rape her, too? Jake quickly goes for the DDT while Rude sells an atomic drop (IT’S LIKE TWO TASTES THAT TASTE GREAT TOGETHER!) but Rude bails to escape. Back in, Jake goes for the short-arm clothesline, but Rude hits his own and drops elbows to take over, but keeps stopping to swivel at Cheryl. I have to wonder, did Liz Hunter from PWI know that Rude was putting the moves on another woman like this? Of course the third time he tries to hit on Cheryl, it’s one time too many, and Jake makes the comeback with a gutbuster and then holds Rude in the ropes so Cheryl can slap him. We take a break and return with them fighting on the floor while Rude runs Jake’s arm into the post, as Joey has thankfully sent Jake’s wife back to the dressing room before she can permanently injure anyone. Back in the ring, Jake makes the comeback with a backdrop, but Rude escapes the DDT and drops elbows while Vince declares it SEE SAW MATCHUP BACK AND FORTH. Did your hero Okada ever have one of those? Rude goes up with a flying fist for two and goes for the finish, but Jake bites the arm to escape and hits the DDT out of nowhere. But then he goes for the tights and Bobby Heenan runs in for the DQ at 9:40. And then Andre comes out to provide some backup, but Jake unleashes the snake and we learn that in fact Andre is afraid of snakes to set up the next program out of this. And then we get a bit too far over the top as Jake throws the snake at him and Andre has a “heart attack” out of terror. Really, having Andre be afraid of it and backing off would have been more than enough heat, having Andre collapse and “die” was just stupid. Anyway, usual good Rude-Jake match here and this was putting in the WORK, ending the Rude feud and setting up the Giant feud in one match. ***

Sadly it’s the “bonus” SNME matches that are carrying this special Paris show.

SURVIVOR SERIES REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!

We of course hear from the Megapowers, who are apparently teaming with three other people who aren’t important and would just cut into Hulk’s TV time. Meanwhile, Ted Dibiase and his whole team do an interview in response, because he’s a true man of the people.

WWF World title: Randy Savage v. Akeem

Finally we make it to the main event back in Paris. Akeem tries to power him into the corner, but Savage uses the beard to necksnap him and goes up with a flying bodypress for two. Akeem puts him down with a clothesline and gets an atomic drop, and a suplex gets two. Akeem with the bearhug and he slugs away, and he drops the leg for two. Savage makes a dull comeback and slugs away in the corner, then dumps Akeem and follows with the flying axehandle. Back in, another axehandle is blocked and Akeem hangs him in the Tree of Woe and chokes him down. The ref complains about that, so Akeem throws him out and it’s a DQ at 10:19. What a lame match. They couldn’t have booked a clean finish against AKEEM? ½*.

Well that was sadly a complete waste of three hours, as all of the Paris matches were complete junk unless you want to suffer through the show to watch the Rockin’ Robin title switch for whatever reason.

Les thumbs down.