The SmarK Rant for ECW Heat Wave 2000 – 07.16.00

The SmarK Rant for ECW Heat Wave 2000 – 07.16.00

We start with The Blue Boy and Jasmine walking the beach, insulting random people on the beach for being fat and ugly, unlike himself. And it’s revealed that he sold his soul to the Sinister Minister in order to get his new body.

Live from Los Angeles, CA, drawing 5700. The arena sure wasn’t lit in a way that made it look like that many people. Of course those fans were augmented by some notable interlopers, which we’ll get to later.

Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel “I’m California Dreaming and I leave the girlies screaming” Gertner, although as usual Cyrus interrupts and reminds us that he cancelled ECW and he lets Gertner stay on the show because he delivers the “fat [homosexual] demographic”. And then Joel says that Cyrus knows what to do with them when they show up. I can’t believe the WWE Network let this garbage stay unedited. Is anyone even watching these things before they put them up? Anyway, Gertner says he’s quitting in order to save Cyrus the trouble of firing him, but then attacks from behind until security pulls him off, as this neverending storyline continues to go nowhere.

Balls Mahoney v. Big Sal

Mahoney slugs away and kicks Sal in the nuts, but Sal no-sells a chairshot and chokeslams him. Sal goes up, but a group of referees tell him to get down for some reason, and so he goes down as asked, and then slams Balls for the pin at 1:20 instead. Quite the opener. DUD

Meanwhile, Rob promises to carry Scotty Anton to a five-star ass whooping, but really the whole thing is about debuting the Van Terminator. Well at least they’re being upfront about it.

Simon & Swinger & CW Anderson v. Kid Kash & Danny Doring & Roadkill

This was set up by Bobby Eaton getting beat up on ECW TV, which I’m assuming was supposed to lead to him being here but instead leads to Kid Kash, with an explanation that Kash really likes Bobby Eaton. Well who didn’t? Simon trades reversals with Kash to start and they fight to a stalemate, so Simon brings CW in as they continue to try to make him a thing. Doring & Roadkill dump him and double-team Simon to clear the ring. Back in the ring, Kash hits a springboard clothesline on CW for two. Anderson gets an exploder for two and Swinger hits a teardrop suplex to make Kash the face in peril for a bit. Kash fights back with chops and moonsaults Anderson, and it’s over to Doring. He runs wild for a bit as Joey has to come up with wacky names for every move, and Swinger cuts him off with a neckbreaker for two. Heels use a double flatliner for two and Simon follows with the rolling suplexes for two. Anderson slugs Doring down for two as Joey thinks the match would have been over from a punch if not for his partners to save. Hot tag Roadkill and he hits a series of slams on the heels to clear the ring, allowing Doring to hit them with a dive. And then Kash does his own, bigger dive, and Roadkill waits for everyone to regroup and then does his own topper. I liked that sequence because they didn’t just all go at the same time, they actually let it build. Back in the ring, Simon and Swinger manage to double-team Doring and then hit Roadkill with a double superplex for two. Anderson with a spinebuster on Kash for two. Simon & Swinger try to finish Doring, but Kash goes low and finishes Swinger with the Moneymaker at 11:04. Finish was a bit of a mess but this was a fun tag team match overall that felt a lot less manic than usual. ***1/4

Meanwhile, Rhino relates how much he loves putting Sandman’s wife in the hospital and smelling “the rotten stench of her gash” in the room. This stuff really does not age well.

Steve Corino v. Jerry Lynn

Lynn gets a corner clothesline and bulldog out of the corner and tosses Corino before hitting a dive into the aisle. Back in the ring, Jerry with a backbreaker and another dive outside as they brawl out there. Corino crotches him on the railing to set up a chairshot, but Lynn counters with a tornado DDT on the floor to somehow bust Corino open. Cyrus gives us the “kayfabe injury report” on Lynn, noting that he has an elbow injury going back years. Back in the ring, Lynn slugs away on the cut, but Corino puts him down with a powerbomb. Lynn with a sunset flip for two, but Corino puts him down again and stomps away on the ropes to send Lynn to the floor. They fight out there and Corino makes friends with the front row and may have had sexual relations with someone’s mother if I’m interpreting things correctly. Back in the ring, JL slugs back, but Corino puts him down with an exploder for two. Lynn tries a suplex and Corino goes low and grabs a chair, but Lynn kicks it back in his face for a double down. Slugfest and Lynn wins that one, but Corino goes up after a botched spot that he leans into to annoy the crowd. Lynn brings him down with a draping DDT onto a chair, for two. So Lynn paints his own body with Corino’s blood, which is pretty gross, and apparently he speaks German because it says “DIE”, as in “THE Steve Corino, THE”. This upsets Corino for some reason and he superkicks Lynn for two. They fight to the top and Lynn brings him down with an inverted DDT for two, although they were a little off on that one. Corino with a Twist of Fate for two. Victory gets involved and throws Raven’s coke in everyone’s face, resulting in the ref getting bumped, and Corino hits Lynn with his cowboy boot. Lynn with a rollup with no ref, but Victory hits him with the cowbell and puts Corino on top for two. They trade cradles for two and Lynn reverses a backslide into the cradle piledriver, and that finishes at 15:20. Corino’s been on a good run on these PPVs lately. ***1/2

Meanwhile, Sandman is doing a promo with his wife after a recap of his feud with Rhino, and Rhino bursts into the room and tries to flush Lori down the toilet! Now that’s dastardly.

Meanwhile, Dawn Marie shows up at the announce table with Joey and Cyrus as they still can’t figure out what to do with her post-Lance.

New Jack joins on crutches, but sadly the Baldies attack him before he can make it into the ring for his promo. I’m sure it would have been illuminating. Nova and Chetti make the save for him while Cyrus and Dawn do juvenile sex jokes and I guess we’ve got a match.

Nova & Chris Chetti v. Da Baldies

Baldies hit a double-team flapjack on Nova for two and DeVito hits a dropkick. Someone in the crowd has a “Benoit fears Nova” sign, although I’m pretty sure it should be the other way around if Nova was smart. Chetti comes in and puts DeVito down with kicks for two as the crowd is kind of dead because they were likely expecting New Jack wackiness and instead just get curtain jerkers doing stuff. DeVito slams Chetti and goes up for a missed moonsault, which allows Nova to hit him with three rolling piledrivers. Angel misses a charge and Chetti hits the sitout slam and they finish with the Tidal Wave at 3:12. Just a normal TV match. **

Meanwhile, Tommy Dreamer whines about working in a pizza place and then breaking his body for the wrestling business and never getting anything back from it.

INTERNATIONAL THREE-WAY DANCE: Psicosis v. Little Guido v. Tajiri

See, it’s not just another Tajiri v. Guido match, because it’s actually an international three-way dance! But hold on, I know what you’re thinking: How can you have an ECW midcard schmoz match without Mikey Whipwreck? Don’t worry, Paul Heyman has heard your concerns and sent him out during the ring introductions to join the match!

INTERNATIONAL FOUR-WAY DANCE: Psicosis v. Little Guido v. Tajiri v. Mikey Whipwreck

Tajiri and Psi hit the floor right away, and Mikey takes Guido out of the ring with a rana and then stunners Tajiri and follows with a dive on the other three. And then Tony Mamaluke gets involved and Mikey takes him out and dives onto Sal, who runs Mikey into the post to take him out. Back in the ring, Psicosis hits Mikey with the flying legdrop and Guido steals the pin at 1:33 to eliminate Mikey. What was the point of even putting Mikey into the match? Tajiri trades ranas with Psi and sends him to the apron, where Guido pulls him out for a beating and then Tajiri dives onto both guys. Back in, they all trade moves and Guido hits Psi with the Killswitch, and Tajiri adds a german suplex to eliminate Psicosis at 4:30. So here we are with Guido v. Tajiri. Again. Tajiri with the Tarantula and he follows with a handspring elbow. Guido comes back with a Sicilian Slice and grabs a chair while Tajiri bails to the floor, and back in for a faceplant on the chair that gets two. They trade chops and Tajiri hits him with the mist and follows with a brainbuster on the chair, and that finishes at 9:10. This was fine, I guess, more of the same match we’ve seen a million times. **1/2

Meanwhile, Justin Credible whines about getting held down by the industry.

ECW World TV Title: Rhino v. The Sandman

We have enough time for an earthquake AND a riot it takes for Sandman to get to the ring. Rhino attacks Sandman but he keeps fighting Rhino off and tosses him to the floor for some light brawling out there. Back in the ring, Sandman sets up a piece of railing and whips Rhino into it, which doesn’t really make any sense because it would hurt more on the floor where there’s no give. Even the crowd is like “Er…OK then.” They fight to the top and Sandman brings him down with the rana for two. Bulldog on the railing gets two. Look, the railing isn’t gonna happen, go find another weapon. Cyrus does get a funny line saying it’s “the battle of Rhino and the wino in there”. Rhino with a suplex on the railing, but Sandman puts the railing on top of him and goes up with a swanton for two. Finally Corino and Victory run out and attack Sandman to wake up the crowd, but Spike saves and hits a 3D on Victory with Sandman’s help. Rhino takes him out with the trademark piledriver through a table outside, and then piledrives Sandman on the railing and pins him to retain at 8:42. I heard Paul tried to sign the guardrail to a contract after that performance but WCW made it a $300,000 / year offer first and then forgot they signed it. Kind of listless overall for what was supposed to be a blood feud due to spouses getting attacked and such, but not like a bad Sandman match or anything. **1/4

Rob Van Dam v. Rob Van Dam’s Best Friend Scotty Anton

Kind of a shame that Anton was so obviously brought in as a disposable victim for RVD, because “I’m Gonna Give You The Clap” is a legit funny entrance song and he seemed to be enjoying this heel run. I had been chatting with Anton online around this time and he was a cool guy for a while, but around this time he started bigtiming me and bragging about his payoffs as a part of the heel run, at which point I wasn’t really interested in listening anymore. And then he discovered what happens to your payoffs under Heyman shortly after this and I didn’t get any more emails about his huge payoffs anymore and that was the last I heard from him overall. They quickly fight to the floor and Rob moonsaults him off the railing and then suplexes him onto the railing for the guillotine legdrop. Back in the ring, Rob gets a press slam and Anton smoothly lands on his face and then immediately flips over onto his back to take the standing moonsault, which gets two. Rob goes up with the chair, but Anton sends him to the floor and gives him a chairshot on the apron. He follows with a pretty impressive bulldog off the apron, dropping Rob’s throat on the railing in the process. Back in the ring, Scotty slugs away in the corner and hangs Rob in the Tree of Woe and brings him down with a backdrop suplex for two. Scott goes to the surfboard and gives Rob the Clap, and then follows with a DDT for two. Suplex on the ropes and Scotty follows with a dropkick (Cyrus: “That’s a cable, not a rope. You wouldn’t know that because you’ve never wrestled.”) and then Rob bails to the floor and Anton follows with a clothesline out there. Man, they’re having a good match out there, but this isn’t what the crowd wants out of it at all and they’re pretty dead for it. Back in the ring, Scotty goes for the knee with a chairshot, but Rob fights him off, so Scotty puts him a Boston crab, which Cyrus dubs “The ClapTrap”. Rob escapes and cradles for two. Split legged moonsault gets two. Fonzie assists by holding the chair over Anton while Rob hits Rolling Thunder in the corner. Anton cuts him off again and applies THE CLAPPER right in the middle, but then Fonzie breaks it up and Anton goes after him and puts him in the Clapper as well. But that allows Rob to hit the Van Daminator, then a frog splash that probably would have finished on its own. But of course we were promised the big finish, so he waits for Scotty to crawl into the corner and then debuts THE VAN TERMINATOR after milking it forever, which of course gets the pin at 18:56. I’m not gonna say that Anton was unfairly maligned or anything, but this was a good match that the crowd just did not buy whatsoever while he was on offense. ***1/4.

ECW World title, Stairway to Hell: Justin Credible v. Tommy Dreamer

OK then. Obviously the main event here gets overshadowed by some other stuff, which we’ll get to. Tommy brings both Jazz and (Gorgeous) George with him as backup. This is a ladder match in the sense that barbed wire is hanging over the ring and whoever climbs and gets it, gets to use it. So more of a “barbed wire on a pole” match. Dawn, on commentary for the last three matches, finally offers some analysis when she sees George. “I think she has big boobs.” Well she’s not wrong. So when the bell rings, there’s a big fight at ringside that results in security dragging people out, which Joey attributes to drunken idiots going after Francine, but of course was actually XPW “wrestlers” trying to get their promotion over by doing a sad “invasion” attempt on the PPV of an already dying brand. In the back, things got even uglier, with police throwing the XPW contingent out of the building while Paul Heyman screamed at them and challenged Rob Black to a fight, although most of that wasn’t evident on TV. So after all that, they do some standard wrestling stuff while the crowd is still mostly distracted by the nonsense before the match. They fight into the crowd to try to get things back on track but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be a lost cause. So in that regard, XPW accomplished whatever goal it was trying for. They head up to the balcony with the announce table and Tommy kind of leaves him there and retrieves a ladder, which he sets up on a merch table in a spot so ill-conceived that New Jack would probably be like “That’s a bad idea, bro”. Of course, Justin pushes the ladder over and Tommy takes a bump that you can’t even see on TV, rendering the whole thing pointless. Back to ringside for more brawling with the ladder, and into the ring where Tommy gets whipped into the ladder while Francine beefs with people at ringside. Justin teases a Pedigree onto the ladder, but Tommy reverses to a slingshot under the ladder and goes for the barbed wire. So Francine trips him up and Tommy bumps onto her to take her out, and then Jazz and George come in and George turns on Jazz for a dumb swerve. But then Jazz tears off Francine’s top and she’s got black tape on her nipples and runs away. Tommy hits the TommyHawk for two and finally brings the barbed wire into play 13:00 into this barbed wire match, but Justin quickly hits That’s Incredible for two. Tommy with a DDT for two, but another That’s Incredible finishes at 14:57. That was the lamest “barbed wire match” I’ve ever seen, especially after all the buildup on TV. You can blame some of it on the distracted crowd but that was such a dead finish. ** Especially since no one was buying Tommy as a serious challenger, and he did nothing but sell for the entire match.

Awful main event and XPW stupidity aside, the rest of the show was pretty decent for an ECW PPV, with mostly just good matches and a minimum of nonsense. The lack of New Jack especially felt refreshing on this one. A very watchable show as ECW continues to limp to the finish line.