The SmarK Rant for ECW Hardcore Heaven 2000 – 05.14.00

The SmarK Rant for ECW Hardcore Heaven 2000 – 05.14.00

So here we are then, Mike Awesome is gone to WCW and we are well and truly into the era of Justin the Incredible as champion. This is a thing that Heyman is really going to run with and charge $25 to see.

Live from Milwaukee, WI, drawing a sellout of 3400.

Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel “From Milwaukee to Green Bay, all the Wisconsin ladies say, it’s the highlight of their day when I shoot my nuts and spray” Gertner. And then we get a weirdly awkward pause where they appear to be waiting for a cue and then just lamely leave the ring and go to the back. That was weird.

Balls Mahoney v. Masato Tanaka

But of course Joel Gertner gets kicked out of the announce position by Cyrus before the match can begin. By WING Kanemura, who was just hanging out there for no reason and then turns on Joel and chokes him out. Speaking of no reason, this is the opener with absolutely no explanation or build. They trade hammerlocks while Joey makes jokes about foreigners having visa issues in what I’m assuming was a hyper-specific 2000 reference. Balls slugs away on Tanaka, but Tanaka takes him down and works the arm. Balls gets a clothesline for two, but misses a leg lariat and bumps to the floor, sort of. Tanaka dives and Balls catches him and runs him into the railing. So with that token wrestling segment done with, Tanaka brings a chair into the ring and we’re off and running with the real match. Tanaka with a tornado DDT off the chair and onto the ramp. So Balls grabs his own chair and they have a duel, with Balls smashing his head in for two. I’m still astonished that Tanaka is still going 24 years later. Balls with a superkick into the chair for two. Balls with a pile of chairs and they fight to the top, but Tanaka hits him with the DDT onto the chair pile and that gets two. Cyrus on Mahoney: “Well his face is a ratings killer but he does stuff in the ring to get ratings, so the Network is OK with him.” Balls with the Nutcracker for two. Tanaka with the Diamond Dust Press for two. Mahoney fights back as they’re not really selling anything, and another Nutcracker on the chairs gets two. Balls goes up and misses the legdrop, hitting the chair, and Tanaka hits the roaring elbow for two. And then he goes up to the top with Balls own personal chair and smashes him from the top, and another roaring elbow finishes at 9:15. This was basically what you’d expect from these two. ***1/4

Meanwhile, Lance Storm does a bitter promo against Justin in advance of their title match tonight. I should note that they were literally advertising Tommy Dreamer in a three-way all the way up to the go-home show on TNN and now they’ve dropped any mention of him being there.

Simon Diamond v. Mikey Whipwreck v. Little Guido

The replacement music here is epic, with ripoff versions of “Simon Says”, “Loser” and “Stayin’ Alive” all on display. Which sucks because “Simon Says” is about the only redeeming quality that Diamond had in 2000. This is another match that’s the definition of randomly booked. They fight to a stalemate and Guido slams Simon out of the corner for two, but Mikey gets a crossbody on Guido for two. Simon with a front suplex on Mikey, but Guido dropkicks Simon for two. They fight to the floor and then the lights go out due to a technical issue, because of course they do, and they all fight outside in the dark. Big Sal takes out the entire circus of geeks in Diamond’s corner, and back in the ring Guido hits the legdrop on Mikey for two. Diamond with a powerbomb on Guido for two. Mikey superkicks them both for two as they are looking really lost out there with the lighting issues. Mikey with the Whippersnapper on Simon to eliminate him at 5:42. Mikey with a spinning underhook driver for two on Guido, but Sal trips him up and Guido gets the legsweep on Mikey for two. Guido jumps off Sal’s shoulders and misses, although the camera angle was so bad that it was impossible to see what was happening, and then Mikey throws fire at Sal but falls victim to the Tomikaze and gets pinned at 7:07. They looked lost out there and jobbing Mikey was dumb, he’s the guy who should have been pushed while he was hot. Pun intended. **1/4. It was a really weird deal because if you actually watch the TV shows, they spent HUGE amounts of time on the Sinister Minister character leading up to the PPV, and then he gets what amounts to a cameo appearance and Mikey jobs in the second match. Like what, you’re gonna push Little Guido again? OK then.

Meanwhile, Justin complains that he worked hard for the belts he won, and no one appreciated him.

Elektra v. Jazz

The Dangerous Alliance does their whole entrance and Lou E challenges anyone to face Elektra, so Jazz answers and quickly lays out the whole crew. Elektra wearing a Mike Awesome t-shirt to cover up her skimpy outfit is kind of funny, I’ll give them that. But then Kid Kash saves Jazz from a 3-on-1 attack and I guess we have a different match?

Kid Kash v. CW Anderson

Kash hits CW and the Alliance with a dive before the bell, but CW lays him out in the ring. Kash comes back with a rana and dropkicks him to the floor for a rana on Wiles out there. Back in, Kash with a headscissors on CW, but Anderson powerbombs him to take over. CW tosses Kash and Wiles drops him on the railing and back in for two. Kash tries a moonsault and CW cuts him off with a suplex for two. So they slug it out and it’s just a couple of fellas having a match. Anderson misses a charge, so the Alliance clowns come in and Kash fights them off and CW superkicks him for two. But then CW goes up and Kash brings him down with a rana for the pin at 6:00. Barely even a TV match. *1/2

Meanwhile, RVD and his best friend Scotty Anton prepare for Jerry Lynn, and Rob is confident that his best friend Scotty Anton will always back him up. Also he can swear as much as he wants because it’s PPV. Also I don’t know if you’ve heard but Scotty Anton is Rob’s best friend.

Da Baldies v. Chris Chetti & Nova v. Danny Doing & Roadkill

Everyone fights on the floor and Nova & Chetti run wild with kicks in the ring for a bit, but then Doring clears the ring and Da Baldies take over for a bit. Roadkill hits them with a double clothesline and Nova gets a swanton on Devito for two. Doring and Roadkill hit him with a Hart Attack for two, but Da Baldies give Roadkill a double flapjack and then chokeslam him onto a couple of chairs. So then Vic Grimes hits the ring and attacks, but Doring takes him out with the legdrop, only for Angel to nail Doring with a guitar and pin him at 3:41. Crowd was very unhappy about that one. But then Roadkill puts Grimes on a table at ringside and puts him through it with a splash. So back in the ring, Chetti makes a comeback on Angel and the babyfaces do the double splash on Devito to finish at 5:55. Another complete nothing of a match. *

Da Baldies continue the fight afterwards, but New Jack saves and we get the usual New Jack stuff, leading to Jack diving off a balcony and putting Devito through a table. Back to the ring, as Jack breaks a guitar on Angel’s head and then drops a chair on him and pins him. I guess it was a match? Even Joey is confused about the whole thing. Also Joey notes that TNN sucks and he doubts they’ll even be in business in 10 years. YEAH ABOUT THAT.

Meanwhile, Joey explains that the weird dead air at the beginning of the show was because Tommy Dreamer wandered into the arena all bloody from an off-screen attack by Justin Credible and they were going to show it, but then they didn’t. And they still don’t, as apparently Paul Heyman subscribes to the “Tell, don’t show” approach of storytelling at this point. I mean, it certainly is cheaper just to recap a vicious attack without actually showing anything. And then they continue complaining that it’s the NETWORK who are the outlaw mudshow!

Tajiri v. Steve Corino

Corino demands that Tajiri, the “slant eyed bastard”, return to his team, so Tajiri hits him with a kick and beats on him with chops in the corner. Corino blocks a hiptoss with a powerbomb and that gets two, but Tajiri gets the Tarantula and follows with a brainbuster on the ramp. Corino is, unsurprisingly, busted open, and Tajiri hangs him in the Tree of Woe and dropkicks a chair in his face. But then Jack Victory gets involved and Corino superkicks Tajiri for two. Corino grabs a chair and Tajiri dropkicks it back in his face and retrieves a table. Back to the ramp as Tajiri dropkicks the table into Corino’s head, but he charges and Corino backdrops him through the table for two. Perfectplex gets two. Northern lights suplex gets two. Tajiri comes back with the Octopus on Corino and sprays the mist at Victory, but Corino powerslams him for two. Tajiri beats on him with kicks and goes up to finish with the double stomp through the table at 10:18. This was a solid match and the right guy won. ***1/4

Afterwards, Kanumura hits the ring and attacks Tajiri, but Dusty Rhodes makes the save, only for Rhino to attack him in turn. So naturally this leads right into…

ECW World TV title: Rhino v. The Sandman

Well that gives me 10 minutes to go clean up the kitchen and refresh my drink. Rhino attacks when we finally get to the bell and beats on him in the corner, but Sandman tosses him and they fight into the crowd, where Sandman hits him with the guillotine legdrop on the railing. Rhino tries a spear on the apron and puts himself through a table, and Sandman gets two off that, but the Corino crew allows Rhino to take over again. Lori Fullington comes out to help her husband and Rhino piledrives her through a table, so Sandman canes Rhino to save, and Rhino puts him through a table and pins him to retain at 6:23. Just a normal brawl from these two, which is better than what Sandman had been putting out for most of the year. **

Rob Van Dam (with Rob’s best friend Scotty Anton) v. Jerry Lynn

They do the stalemate sequence to start and really it’s just Foreigner playing the greatest hits for these two. OK, we’ve heard “I Want to Know What Love Is”, show me something different. Rob with a leg lariat and cartwheel moonsault for two, but he stops to showboat and JL dropkicks him into the corner and out to the floor. Lynn follows with a dive and they fight out there, with RVD hitting a springboard kick off the railing and the guillotine on the railing to follow. Back in the ring, Lynn with a front suplex and he goes up with a flying legdrop for two. They fight for the tornado DDT and then clothesline each other for the double down. Lynn ducks the Van Daminator and legdrops Rob on the chair for two, but Rob gets the spinkick for two. Rolling Thunder gets two. Rob dropkicks the chair into Lynn in the corner, although the closeup camera angle shows it missed by a mile, and that gets two.

Rob tries to powerbomb Lynn on the chair, but Jerry reverses to his own and that gets two. To the top and Lynn gets a top rope superplex, which gets two. This one is absolutely lacking something and the crowd heat is very subdued compared to their other matches. To the apron and Lynn legdrops him out there and bulldogs him off the apron and through a table. Back in, Fonzie helps Rob with a Van Daminator and Rob adds a chair-assisted frog splash, but Cyrus heads to the ring along with Corino and Victory. Because that’s what this match needed. You can hear the crowd audibly groan when everyone starts running in as well. So Lynn fights them off, but Rhino takes out Lynn with the spear and powerbombs RVD. Rob comes back and gets the missile dropkick on Rhino and takes out Cyrus with the Van Daminator, which is about the only time anyone ever got one over on Cyrus. So Rob goes up to finish Lynn again, but ROB’S BEST FRIEND SCOTTY ANTON SHOVES HIM OFF and turns on him! Oh my god this is so unexpected and not at all foreshadowed! Lynn with the cradle piledriver on Rob for two, and then another one on a chair (although again the camera angle completely exposed that it missed by a mile) finishes at 19:50. This was hellaciously overbooked and no one gave a shit about the American Male runner-up then or now. I’d call it the best match of the show but it was grotesquely disappointing based on what people wanted out of the match and even just compared to their other matches. ***1/2.

ECW World title: Justin Credible v. Lance Storm

So yeah, Tommy Dreamer is out of the match without them ever showing any footage and Lance is on the way to WCW. Justin promises that if anyone other than Lance comes out for the match, he’ll throw the belt in the garbage and vacate it. So Tommy Dreamer comes out for the match instead, but Justin notably does not throw the belt in the trash and vacate it. But he’s got a tiny bandage on his forehead, so Paul Heyman runs down and begs Tommy not to get in the ring and risk career-ending injury. So Tommy puts Storm over and leaves, and NONE of this was explained to the audience. In fact most of the entire storyline doesn’t really make any sense and the Impact Players never really had any kind of proper breakup. Storm slugs Credible to the apron and dropkicks him to the floor, but he dives and Justin hits him with the cane on the way down. They set up a table on the ramp and fight back into the ring, where Storm throws chops until Credible superkicks him. And Storm actually BLADES, which is one of the only times I can ever remember him bleeding. And he was incredibly obvious about it as well, but points for effort. The crowd chants “We want Dreamer” while Justin goes to a chinlock and they trade more chops. Justin with the chinlock again, but Lance catches him with a rana while Joey retcons the story with Tommy into “He selflessly stepped aside so that Justin wouldn’t vacate the title and destroy the lineage” which is hilarious after contracted WWF ™ Superstar ™ Tazz ™ the Human Wrecking Machine ™ did the job to WWF champion HHH on WWF TV just a couple of weeks previous while he was ECW World champion. Justin goes up and I don’t think Joey has even mentioned that Storm is bleeding yet, and Lance rolls through a bodypress for two. They fight for the abdominal stretch and Lance hiptosses Justin through the table on the ramp, finally paying that off, and it gets two. Lance with the half-crab and we get the contractually obligated catfight between the ladies, but Justin piledrives Dawn Marie to presumably write her off TV. Storm with his own piledriver on Justin for two. Storm tries another one, but Justin reverses to That’s Incredible for two. Justin with his lazy swinging DDT for two and the crowd is just dead after the catfight spot. Storm goes up and Justin brings him down, hitting another That’s Incredible on the way down for the clean pin at 12:33 to retain. This was meandering at the best of times and just died completely after the women brawled. **. So then Justin’s celebration is interrupted by Tommy, who canes Justin and then gives Francine the death valley driver to end the show as Joey promises that Dreamer will probably get his title shot on the NEXT PPV! I mean, at least they actually were able to deliver that one.

I’d call this is a fairly inoffensive ECW PPV outing, where thankfully no one nearly died from jumping off a high place this time around. The main event was pretty awful, though, and a bad omen for Justin Credible’s big shot at headlining the promotion after 3 years of getting shoved down our throats.