The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Hulk Hogan: Real American

The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Hulk Hogan: Real American

The WWE Network keeps throwing this one at me, so might as well knock it off my Coliseum redo list, what with Hulk keeping his name in the news somehow despite everyone wanting him to just go away at this point.

This one is obviously from 1989 given the awesome flying WWF logo introduction, albeit with the music replaced. And no Mean Gene to tell us that it’s WHAT THE WORLD IS WATCHING.

Speaking of which, your host is Mean Gene Okerlund. The idea with this one is that it’s a somewhat shorter hour long video sold at a reasonable cost to consumers instead of at rental costs.

Steel cage match: Andre the Giant v. Hulk Hogan

From Wrestlefest 88, in the match that was originally rumored to headline Wrestlemania IV. I’m reminded again that this show had the nightmare commentary combo of Lord Alfred Hayes, Superstar Billy Graham, and a barely-trained Sean Mooney. Mooney had his spot in the announcer rotation, but doing play by play wasn’t it. They immediately choke each other out to start and Andre wins that battle but then keeps choking him out after definitively determining that he is the best at choking. Hulk slugs away in the corner to escape that, but Andre throws chops like a fatter and even more crippled Minoru Suzuki and makes the first attempt to exit the door. Hulk grabs his foot to stop him, telling him THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR ME, BROTHER, in the process. “This is a gruesome fight” notes Graham. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. Hulk tries to climb out and Andre swats him down and drops an elbow on him, but he gets to the door and Hulk prevents him from leaving, just like Metallica prevented Hogan from living out his dream of being the bass player in Metallica by not hiring him as their bass player in 1979. Andre pulls off the turnbuckle and runs Hogan into the exposed steel, like Hogan ran Pastamania into the ground, and puts him down with a headbutt that busts him open. Hulk could have avoided that by using the creative control written into his contract, but he never used it, so he didn’t have to. Andre tries to walk out like Hogan walked out on the WWF in 1993, but Hulk makes the comeback like he came back to the WWF in 2002 and hits Andre with the big boot and legdrop. Bobby Heenan comes in and Hulk beats him down like Verne Gagne paid Iron Sheik to do in 1984, and then he climbs out of the cage and crosses the international date line 14 times while working 450 dates that year, at 9:54. Of all the Hogan-Andre cage matches I’ve seen, this is easily the best. -*

WWF title: Hulk Hogan v. Nikolai Volkoff

Back in time to 1985 on Saturday Night’s Main Event, as Volkoff is singing the national anthem of his home country and Hogan isn’t gonna stand for that. I was watching a David Bennet Piano video the other night and discovered that in fact the Russian anthem was based almost completely on the chord progression from Canon in D, one of the most famous classical melodies of all time. Kind of crazy. Volkoff attacks from behind and runs Hulk into the turnbuckles as Hulk is wearing his favorite color scheme tonight: Whites only. Hulk slugs back and hits Volkoff with a corner clothesline, but Hulk takes the fight to the floor and Volkoff wins that battle to take over. Back in the ring, Volkoff with a double axehandle from the middle rope and he follows with the gorilla press backbreaker for two. Volkoff puts the boots to him and tries a piledriver. Hulk escapes that, so Volkoff slams him for two and Hulk makes the comeback, dodges a blind charge, and finishes with the legdrop at 5:17. This was a totally cromulent TV match for SNME. **

King Haku v. Hulk Hogan

Another SNME match, from 1988, with Haku in all his regalness. But Hulk Hogan has Elizabeth “on loan” from Randy Savage, which I’m sure he was totally fine and normal about. Jesse Ventura indeed notes that his is “a little peculiar”, which is an understatement. Hulk makes sure to hold the ropes for Liz, because she’s not a black woman and thus is all right with him! Haku attacks while the ref is checking Hogan’s kneepads for weapons, hitting him with kicks and biting him in the corner. But then Hulk pops up and slugs him down before dropping elbows on him and raking the eyes. Karma quickly comes for Hogan as Haku beats him down with Tongan martial arts and goes to the neck massage. Hulk fights out of that and Haku chops him down again and puts him on the floor with a superkick. Have I mentioned how sickening it is that Hulk obviously stole his whole vibe from the Outrunners? He continues to be a horrible person and attacks Bobby for no reason, and then steals Haku’s crown, but Haku takes over with a clothesline and headbutt while Bobby gets medical attention in the back. Haku with a suplex for two. But then Hulk is like THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR ME, BROTHER and makes the comeback, hitting the big boot and legdrop to finish at 6:15. Haku was working hard to get himself over as in the King role. **1/2. And then Hulk celebrates by assaulting Liz, throwing her on his shoulder like a piece of meat while posing. What a sick predator.

Meanwhile, we get a montage of Hulk working out, hanging and banging, in a series of exercises that I have it on good authority were taught to him personally by Turbo Floyd and Truth Magnum. They even gave him the Outrunner commandments of eating green vegetables and doing your homework, which he perverted into his “three demandments” of training, prayers and vitamins.

WWF title: Hulk Hogan v. Ted Dibiase

We’re in Houston for this one in December 87, with Brother Bruce and Pete Doherty on commentary. Hulk attacks to start and puts Dibiase over the top with an atomic drop. Doherty is horrible but my kid has been watching Gravity Falls on repeat lately and now I hear Grunkle Stan whenever Doherty is talking. This show originally aired on WWE 24/7 back in the day and I had never heard the dulcet tones of Doherty on commentary before, and just assumed it was Bruce doing a bit where he did his own color commentary as another character because it sounded too ridiculous to be a real person. Hulk clears the ring and goes after Virgil FOR SOME REASON, can’t think of any reason off hand why he might want to randomly attack the man. The heels regroup on the floor and Hulk goes after Dibiase on the apron, but Dibiase runs him into the post to take over. Dibiase puts the boots to Hulk out there and Virgil flashes the cash at Hulk to taunt him, and a black guy with money has to be the most terrifying thing for someone like Hulk to see. Back in the ring, Dibiase chokes him out on the ropes, but Hulk pops up and slugs Dibiase down with a SUNDAY PUNCH. Gonna start working that one in now. Hulk gets tripped up by Andre while running the ropes, so the ref calls for the bell and sends the Giant to the back. And fines him $2000! Keep in mind that this was 1987, so that’s close to $4.1 million after inflation if my math is correct. Dibiase slugs him down for two, but Hulk makes the comeback and hits the big boot before going after Virgil AGAIN, and he rolls up Dibiase to retain at 8:44. Kinda disappointing, but they were being careful to protect Dibiase in Houston. **1/4

And Gene wraps it up, promising they’ll be back with the Collector’s Series again, but I’m pretty sure this and the other launch title (“Wrestlemania’s Greatest Matches”) were the only ones they did before dropping the concept. As a rental this would have been OK I guess, but it didn’t really provide much value as a purchase with only an hour of matches that were already pretty warmed over by 1989. I’ll give it a solid “I’ve seen worse” but that’s about all the enthusiasm I can muster.

Also the Outrunners 100% need to release a collector’s VHS tape of their AEW matches because they will sell a SHITLOAD of them and I’m not even being sarcastic. There’s a company currently doing special edition VHS releases of stuff like the Evil Dead 2 and they’re selling out limited 2000 copy runs instantly. There’s a market for that specific bit of 90s nostalgia and it’s exactly overlapping the AEW fanbase, which is already made up of former tape traders and nostalgia nerds looking for the deep cuts.