The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video Presents Bloopers, Bleeps and Bodyslams (1994)

– God bless alliteration.

– The box promises “Uncut, Unedited WWF Mayhem!”, but then so did Uncensored ’95, and we all know what happened there.

– Your host is Hillbilly Jim.

– Intercontinental title: Razor Ramon v. Crush.

Crush is evil at this point. Johnny Polo immediately starts plugging Fuji Vice to annoy Gorilla. Johnny’s segue into country music is equally funny (“If Conway Twitty married Kitty Carlyle, she’d be Kitty Twitty!”) At any rate, I suppose I have to review the match rather than the commentary. Ramon & Crush (both wearing purple tights, a major fashion faux pas) do a power battle and get nowhere. Johnny makes a rare technical error in his commentary when Gorilla asks him if he ever picks up the tab, Johnny notes that he drinks Diet Coke because he doesn’t like Tab. In actuality, Diet Coke IS Tab it was marketed as Tab in the 80s because the concept of diet cola hadn’t “gotten over” with the cola-drinking crowd yet. True story. Crush pounds away while Johnny explains the off-again-on-again nature of his career as it pertains to public demand for his services. Crush grabs a bodyscissors, but I’d much rather stay with Polo’s color commentary, which is 100x more entertaining. Polo thinks that Razor crawling for the ropes makes him less macho than his gimmick might suggest. They head out for absolutely no reason, and back in Crush gets a backbreaker and holds it as a submission move. I’m ready to submit as it is. Polo has issues with the camera operator for no apparent reason. Ramon makes the comeback with the usual, but the Razor’s Edge is blocked. Crush gets another backbreaker and heads up with a flying kneedrop for two. Ramon cradles for the pin at 7:09. If I could give a point for color commentary, I would, but I’ve gotta play fair here. 0 for 1.

– Gorilla’s blooper reel. HILARIOUS stuff, and by “hilarious” I mean “not at all funny”.

– WWF tag team title: The Steiner Brothers v. The Headshrinkers.

Scott takes Samu down with an armdrag to start. Samu grabs a headlock and overpowers Scott, and blocks a hiptoss with a clothesline. Corner clothesline and he uses the EYERAKE OF DOOM, but Scott replies with his own clothesline and butterfly powerbomb for two. Samu backs off and strategizes with the family members, and Fatu goes with Rick next. Fatu pounds away, but gets caught with a powerslam for two. Steinerline gets two. The Shrinkers bail again and regroup. Back in, Rick dodges a couple of superkick attempts, but falls victim to a good old slugfest and the superkick. Backbreaker and Fatu goes up, but stalls too long and gets superplexed by Rick, for two. Scott comes in and falls victim to a cheapshot and a superkick, and he’s YOUR freak-in-peril. Samu hammers away with samoan martial arts, and gets two. Do samoans know jiu-jitsu? Choking in the evil corner detains Scott (using the tag team rope I approve) and Samu stomps away. I still don’t get why the tag rope was retired. You can choke, plus it’s instant heat when the face makes the tag but isn’t holding the rope and thus gets sent back. Headshrinkers keep pounding away on Scott in the corner, and there’s a weird spot where Fatu tries a slam but drops Scott. He opts for a clothesline instead, and that gets two. The Vulcan nerve pinch slows things down again, but Scott fights back with a nice overhead belly-to-belly. Samu charges and hits the post, and that’s enough for Scott to make the hot tag to Rick. Rick is piss and vinegar and heads up for the bulldog on Fatu, and that gets two. Double noggin-knocker on the samoans backfires, however, and they hit the double-legsweep and set up for Fatu’s flying splash, but Scott crotches him and Rick rolls up Samu for the pin at 12:57. Two matches in a row with the same rollup finish? Passable stuff otherwise. 1 for 2.

– Owen Hart v. Rick Martel.

Gorilla promises us a short-arm scissors before the match is over. They fight over a headlock as Polo works in the A-level Stu Hart jokes. Martel’s rollup is blocked and that goes nowhere. Martel cartwheels right into a dropkick and Martel bails. Back in, Hart slaps him around and takes him down into a half-assed Herb Kunze armbar. He works the arm but gets sent into the turnbuckles. Martel charges and misses, and Owen goes back to the arm. Martel whips him into the corner and gets a backdrop suplex to turn the tide, however. Gutwrench suplex gets two. Martel hits the chinlock. Owen backslides for two, but Martel goes back to the chinlock. “You have to drive with the legs” notes Gorilla in reference to the failed backslide. “Yeah,” Johnny replies, “that’s what I always told the Quebecers, #’you’ve gotta drive with the legs’.” Gorilla completely misses the sarcasm, which makes it all the funnier. Martel goes to an abdominal stretch and backbreaker. He works on the back and comes off the middle, but Owen nails him coming down and makes the comeback. Monkey-flip and leg lariat allow Owen to fly with a bodypress for two. Martel dumps him, and Jerry Lawler does the run-in, posts Owen behind the ref’s back, and Owen is counted out at 8:24. Really boring match. 1 for 3.

– Vince McMahon’s blooper reel. They missed the one where he decided to make Stephanie the head writer.

– Todd Pettingill has some obviously rehearsed “bloopers” which involve slipping on objects and malfunctioning equipment.

– WWF title: Yokozuna v. Tatanka.

Johnny discusses the secret Manager’s Union in the WWF. Uh oh, does Vince know about this? No wonder he got fired. Yoko attacks right off the bat and pounds him down. Charge misses by a mile and Tatanka chops back, but runs into an elbow. Big fat elbow misses, as does Tatanka’s dropkick. As does Yoko’s legdrop. What a classic! They have a power showdown until Fuji cheapshots Tatanka and Yoko clotheslines him. Yoko goes to the Vulcan nerve pinch, his old standby. Tatanka fights back but walks into another clothesline. Back to the nerve pinch. Wow this is exciting. Johnny fills the dead air with bad jokes. I don’t know which is worse. Tatanka makes the Pissed Off Racial Stereotype comeback and heads up for a flying chop that finally drops Yokozuna, but he grabs the salt bucket and draws a DQ at 7:24. Man, is this the definitive tape of shitty finishes or something? 1 for 4.

– Razor Ramon & Marty Jannetty v. Diesel & IRS.

Let the jokes begin! This stuff writes itself. IRS slams Marty to start and gets a hiptoss. Polo finally asks the question millions have wondered about: What DOES the “R” stand for? Marty slugs away and returns that slam and hiptoss, and gets a dropkick to boot. Must be high. Diesel comes in, and amazingly makes it over the top rope without tearing his quad. He wants Ramon, though, so Marty makes the tag (probably slipping him his weekly stash at the same time*) and Ramon comes in. Diesel overpowers him, and the quad is still okay. Ramon gets overpowered again, and on the quad front still attached. Diesel wants a test of strength, but Marty calls him over and advises him to get really drunk first*. I’m just speculating on the second part, but all the pieces fit*. Diesel appears to win the test of strength, but the laws of wrestling say that the crowd chanting your name loud enough can counter the laws of physics, and indeed Razor fights back and turns it into a northern lights suplex. Jannetty comes in with a series of jumping punches (probably on PCP*), and a bodypress on IRS for two. He suddenly ODs and collapses into the addict-in-peril role, however*. I’m pretty sure Diesel’s knee to the back was coincidental. Double-team follows on the heel side and IRS gets a reverse elbow and legdrop for two. We hit the chinlock, and the lack of drugs seems to be sapping Marty’s strength. Big Kev gets a sideslam for two. Ramon, obviously coked out of his mind and fighting any handy authority figure*, keeps coming in to allow the heels to double-team more. Marty gets a sunset flip for two, but Irwin goes back to the chinlock. It’s a double-KO as Marty has another relapse and collapses again, but makes the hot tag and gets dumped at the same time. Ramon cleans house on IRS and gets a backdrop suplex, but Diesel comes in to take care of business. Razor concentrates on him, but gets clocked with the briefcase (full of laundered drug money*) at 10:56 for the DQ. Who BOOKED this tape? Thoroughly pedestrian time-filler. 1 for 5.

*(Allegedly)

– Lord Alfred Hayes’ blooper reel. Well, that’s his whole WWF career, isn’t it?

– Bam Bam Bigelow v. Doink the Clown.

Bigelow flattens Doink to start, but gets suplexed and dumped. Not sure which version of Doink this is it’s the original tights, but he’s a babyface. After like 2 minutes of stalling, Bigelow comes back in and gets taken down. He complains about hair-pulling, which tells you how seriously everyone is taking this. Doink gets an STF, but Luna breaks it up. Bigelow overpowers Doink again and goes to a facelock, but Dink breaks that up. Elbow, but Bammer misses a splash and Doink bulldogs him for two. Doink goes to the arm and works on that for a while. We’re CLIPPED, thus breaking the promise on the front of the box. Doink gets dumped to break the armbar, and Dink stops Luna from interfering by kicking her in the butt. Dink runs into the ring for shelter, and dodges both heels before escaping. Doink, meanwhile, hangs around on the outside. Back in, Bigelow pounds away, but misses a charge. Doink goes for a slam, which is reversed for two. He hits the chinlock. Doink breaks and gets that slam for two. Side suplex gets two. Clothesline is no-sold, and Luna trips him up into a Bam Bam elbowdrop. He goes up for the flying headbutt, which draws Dink in to save. Luna subdues the midget, but he escapes and hits Bigelow in the crotch. MIDGET TO THE GROIN! MIDGET TO THE GROIN! Call Bob Saget or whoever’s hosting that show now. Bigelow gets counted out at 9:52 as we continue the streak of America’s Funniest Bad Finishes. 1 for 6. Doink manages to pull out his Dink before any harm can come to him. Er.never mind.

– Bret Hart v. Crush.

Oo, two Brian Adams matches on the same tape, there really IS a Santa. Crush wins a power battle to start and wants a test of strength. I think Crush’s downfall as a wrestler can be traced to when he stopped taking care of his hair after the heel turn. Notice how the resurgence with Kronik also coincided with his rediscovery of good conditioner? In fact, it is my personal theory that all the problems in wrestling can be traced to haircare. As Tino might say, Crush lost his mullet-tude. They do the test of strength bit until Bret reverses it and Crush heads for the ropes and bails. Back in, Bret pounds away and gets a lariat for two. Sleeper, but Crush flips him over. Bret comes back with an elbow that puts Crush out again. Back in, Crush superkicks Bret to take over. Punch punch. Backbreaker gets two. Bodyscissors, as I wonder if this is just gonna be the exact same match with Bret plugged into Razor’s spot. Crush whips Bret from the proverbial pillar to the literal post, and hits the bearhug. Gorilla notes that the word “submit” is not in Bret’s vocabulary. Insert your own joke here. Bret gets tossed, but the ref prevents evil-doings by Mr. Fuji, but it’s a SWERVE as Crush uses THAT distraction to send Bret into the steps and back in for two. Punch punch. Bret fights back, but walks into a backbreaker for two. Another backbreaker gets two. Crush thinks he’s won, but Bret rolls him up for two. Well at least they changed THAT. Bret makes the comeback and heads up with a bulldog that gets two. Rollup gets two. Russian legsweep gets two. Elbowdrop and both guys are down. Bret hammers away in the corner, but gets atomic dropped out of there. Crush heads up for the coups de gras, but misses whatever and Bret goes for the Sharpshooter, but stops to chase Fuji. Crush nails Fuji by accident and Bret cradles, but Owen pushes them over to give Crush the upset at 14:17. See, now THAT’S a better ending. Bret carried this thing JUST past the post in the last few minutes. 2 for 7.

– More announcer screwups.

– Intercontinental title, cage match: Shawn Michaels v. Marty Jannetty.

Marty attacks to start and clotheslines Shawn with his shirt, and Shawn bumps around the ring and tries to climb. Marty pulls him down and Shawn continues bumping like a madman for Marty, who hits a dropkick and a clothesline. He goes for a cover for some reason, but there’s no ref. Shawn stops a trip to the cage and gets his own dropkick to turn the tide. Marty catapults him into the cage, so the ref comes in and counts two. Marty sends Shawn into the cage again, but Shawn manages to trip him up before he can reach the door. Shawn meets the cage again, but now Diesel holds the door closed, preventing Marty from escaping. Shawn takes over blocking duties for himself, and sends Marty into the cage a few times. They slug it out on the mat and Shawn climbs on the other side of the cage, but Marty stops that ascent with a handful of tights, thus fulfilling Shawn’s “show his ass every match” rider in his contract. Shawn grabs a sleeper, drawing the ref back into the ring to check on Marty. Marty sends him into the cage to break and they slug it out, but Marty atomic drops him into the cage. Marty climbs for it and they tussle at the top of the cage, and Marty goes down the hard way. Shawn makes it to the bottom, but Marty grabs the hair to prevent his escape. They fight on top of the cage, and Shawn takes a monster bump from the top via a slam to the mat. Marty makes the easy climb, but Diesel stops him and Shawn crawls out at 13:12. Really hot finish saves it. 3 for 8.

– Randy Savage v. Jerry Lawler.

Man, 10 years previous and this would be drawing huge money in Memphis. Jerry does the old-school 7-minute stall before the match with his mikework. Savage attacks to shut him up, but gets posted. Into the ring, Lawler goes AERIAL with a flying fist and slugs away. Greco-Roman choking in the corner and Lawler makes with the fisticuffs and stalls. Flying fistdrop and Savage bails. Back in, Lawler stalls some more before pounding in the corner. More stalling to rile up the crowd, but Savage reverses a shot to the post and makes the comeback. Lawler eats post again and they head in, where Savage goes for the axehandle and gets caught on the way down. Lawler’s piledriver is reversed, and the flying elbow looks to finish, but Lawler takes a walk. Bret Hart stops that particular strategy, and Lawler runs into a rollup at 5:59. Back to the lame finishes to end the tape. 3 for 9.

The Bottom Line: Shawn v. Marty is, as usual, well worth checking out, but the rest ain’t.