The SmarK Rant for Clash of the Champions XVI: Fall Brawl – 09.07.91

Continuing my long-term goal of redoing all the Clashes, and after the redo of Clash 14 a few weeks ago we skip ahead to Clash 16 in late 1991.

Live from Atlanta, GA, drawing 2800 and a 3.7 rating. Also notable to me for being the first Clash show carried live in Canada, because TBS wasn’t available to us before 1991. So after three years of seeing Clash shows hyped up in PWI as this big deal, we were pretty pumped in my household to finally get to see one as it happened.

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Tony Schiavone

Georgia Brawl Battle Royale:

We’ve got Tom Zenk, Thomas Rich, Bobby Eaton, Ranger Ross, Tracy Smothers, Oz the Great and Powerful, PN News, Buddy Lee Parker, Stunning Steve Austin, Dustin Rhodes, Terrence Taylor, Big Josh, Barry Windham, One Man Gang and El Gigante. So in a thing that I’ve totally blanked out of my brainhole, apparently the six-man champions were Tom Zenk, Dustin Rhodes and Big Josh at this point. I would have assumed they were the last champions, but apparently the York Foundation won them shortly after this show and then retired them in November. So this is a very standard battle royale and everyone is literally just leaning on the ropes and trading punches. Finally the first elimination at 4:30 as Josh takes Taylor and Ranger Ross out with a skin the cat and then guys start flying out. Thomas Rich and Buddy Lee get tossed. Zenk goes out to the ramp and that counts so he’s out at 5:30, off camera. Tracy, my favorite to win it all, goes out at 6:00 and I have to call my bookie and do some explaining. Seriously, did none of the agents take PN News and Oz aside in the back and explain that BOTH of them didn’t need to wear neon green tights? I know it was 1991 but come on. Eaton goes flying out at 7:00 and then PN News goes over the top at 7:30. Steve Austin out immediately afterwards via Barry Windham, and they brawl to the back, leaving us with a final four of Dustin Rhodes, Gigante, One Man Gang and Oz. Given the success of Wicked it’s more evident than ever that the gimmick was far ahead of its time. Although I’m gonna show my daughter the Zach Braff movie from a few years ago and tell her THAT was Wicked. Kids are dumb, she’ll never know. The heels put Dustin out at 9:22, leaving Gigante to charge and clothesline both guys out at 9:36 to win. Oz’s “bump” to the floor was something to behold there. Well this was a match that existed.

Light Heavyweight tournament semi-final: Badstreet v. Brian Pillman

The field for this “tournament” is so thin that Pillman had to be given a bye into the semi-finals, with guys like Joey Maggs and Johnny Rich filling out the bottom of the bracket. Pillman had been “suspended” after the failed Yellow Dog feud with Barry Windham and now he’s back, almost like he never left. Pillman gets a headscissors on the mysterious Bradstreet and they fight over a suplex on the apron, with both guys taking a stupid bump to the floor off that, before Pillman takes his trademark throat bump into the railing to top it. Badstreet sends him into the ringpost, but Brian gets a crossbody for two. Badstreet with a neckbreaker for two and he goes to the top, but Pillman dropkicks him to the floor and then follows with a tope suicida, breaking the fall with his own face into the railing. Good lord man. Back in the ring, Pillman tries a missile dropkick and Badstreet counters with his own, but Pillman comes back with a leg lariat for two. Brad hits a DDT for two, but Pillman backslides for two. He tries a crucifix and gets dropped with a slam, and they fight to the top rope, where Pillman puts him down with headbutts and then hits the flying bodypress for the pin at 6:50 to advance to the finals. Gravity and common sense started trying to lecture Pillman here and Brian was like “Nah fam, I’m good.” ***1/2.

And now, the WCW TOP TEN.

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10 Bobby Eaton

9 Tom Zenk

8 Diamond Studd

7 One Man Gang

6 Dustin Rhodes

5 Steve Austin

4 El Gigante

3 Barry Windham

2 Ron Simmons

1 Sting

World Champion: Lex Luger

Unfortunately the WCW Top Ten has determined that your blood alcohol level is too far below the legal limit to continue watching this shitshow.

US title: Sting v. Johnny B. Badd

I had completely forgotten about Sting’s US title reign in 1991, so just for fun I asked ChatGPT to weigh in, and it told me that Sting won a tournament final over Rick Rude at Starrcade 91 in December to claim the belt. So that’s the state of AI for you right now. To be fair, I replied that it was completely wrong and it corrected itself to Sting winning a one night tournament at the Omni on August 25 over Steve Austin instead, so maybe it was just messing with me, I dunno. Also what was WITH all the tournaments in WCW 1991? US title, Light Heavyweight title, World tag team title, etc. Johnny was in the last vestiges of his heel run before turning shortly after this, and even offers a handshake to Sting. Sting backdrops him and goes up for a pump splash, but that hits knee. Badd goes up and gets a flying sunset flip for two, and Sting cradles for two. Sunset flip gets two for Sting and they’re back to a stalemate. They trade wristlocks as JR ponders who would travel to the ORIENT to buy the services of Abdullah the Butcher. I’m betting on Gary Hart. Any takers? Badd with some body blows in the corner, but Sting goes to the arm while a second box is delivered, perhaps from the Orient, perhaps from Amazon, and Sting is so distracted that he misses the Stinger splash. So Badd punches him down, but he also gets distracted by the shiny box because he’s flamboyant and loves stuff like that. So Teddy Long tells him to go beat Sting, and then both guys just stop and stare at the box before Sting cradles for the pin at 6:10. Well this was OK for like 2 minutes and then went off a cliff. *. And of course, fresh out of the Globaldome, it’s the return of Cactus Jack and he fucks Sting’s shit up, but good, sending him to the floor and dropping an elbow off the top rope. Who does he think he is, Brian Pillman? Unfortunately Jack quickly became a joke again for a long time.

WCW Light Heavyweight tournament, semi-finals: Richard Morton v. Mike Graham

You can see the crowd clearing out for the bathroom lines as we speak. So somewhat funny but sad story behind this one, as WCW brass was cutting costs in the front office and basically told Graham that he either could be fired or go back to wrestling again because they didn’t have money for agents. So he chose to become a wrestler at 80 years old or whatever age he was at this point and this was the result. They trade cradles to start and Morton retreats to the floor and coordinates with Alexandra York, who tells him to hire New Jack to kill his ex if child support is becoming too much of a problem for him. Wow that joke got dark in a hurry. I’m the one who wrote it and even I’m a little shocked. They continue trading cradles from the 70s. Sorry that’s unfair, it’s more accurately the late 60s. Morton rakes the face to take over and chokes Graham out on the ropes, getting us closer to the 80s, but Graham takes him down and tries a figure-four, which if you were a viewer in a different territory 20 years before this show aired, you would know was a deadly finishing hold for Mike Graham. Morton escapes by virtue of this not being 1971, and goes to a wristlock to at least take us back to the early 80s, but Graham reverses to a deathlock and he pantomimes BREAKING THE LEG to show he means business. Morton with an atomic drop, but Graham rolls him up for two and York takes the ref. So Graham gets a rollup, but Morton reverses him for the pin to advance to the finals at 7:46. Bad heatless match with a stupid finish and a pointless interference from York. DUD

Eric Bischoff has a special treat for us, as Bill Kazmaier joins us and Jim Ross dubs him a HOSS. I should note that WCW literally hires a group of people to carry the world on their shoulders on the way to the ring with Bill. We can all relate I’m sure. So Bill attempts to bend a steel bar around his own neck to set a record, which I’m assuming is involving rod-bending somehow, but the Enforcers hit the ring and lay him out, thus preventing him from finishing the record-breaking rod attempt. Later it turned out that WCW accidentally offered a no-cut contract to the steel rod for guaranteed money and then forgot to cancel it until 1995.

The Freebirds v. The PATRIOTS

Yes, it’s one of my favorite whipping boy teams, Todd Champion and Firebreaker Chip. Todd is representing some vague branch of the military and Chip is some kind of firefighter. Sorry, I mean fireBREAKER, which is a different thing entirely. Apparently “firebreaker” refers to a gap in vegetation or a river, which provides a natural barrier to prevent the spread of wildfires. So Clip is apparently as useful as a strip of fallen trees. Chip works the arm on Garvin and gets a sunset flip for two, and a rollup gets two, but Garvin kicks him off and into the famous left hand of Michael Hayes. Well in theory. Chip had some trouble calculating the distance from his pin attempt to the apron and had to stumble a few extra steps to get there. Champion gets the hot tag FOR AMERICA and elbows Hayes down FOR AMERICA for two. Double clothesline and it’s back to Chip the Firebreaker, aka Firebreaker Chip, and he comes in with a bodypress as the match completely falls apart and the FREEBIRDS have to be the professional ones holding things together. I repeat, THE FREEBIRDS had to try to hold the match together. It didn’t work, and they cheat behind the ref’s back and Garvin pins Chip at 5:44. Horrible, and they STILL tried to push roid and roider for another couple of months after this atrocity! DUD

Cactus Jack joins Paul E. Dangerously, celebrating the end of Sting’s career, which makes him smile. So another box gets wheeled out and Jack is so happy to see what he presumes is Abdullah that he goes to give it a CACTUS JACK HUG. But then Sting pops out of the box and attacks Jack, and biels him off the ramp and onto the concrete for another grotesque bump. Hey, that was me last week thanks to the ice on the sidewalks here! Basically took the same bump. The refs try to break them up but Sting beats his ass with a garbage can and they brawl to the back. Man this was BEGGING for a blowoff at Halloween Havoc, but nope.

Ron Simmons v. The Diamond Studd

They slug it out to start and Studd catches him with a chokeslam for two and hits the bulldog off the middle rope for two. Simmons slides under him and posts him to take over, and then follows with an atomic drop and clothesline and then the spinebuster and shoulderblock to finish at 2:20. Energetic and fine for what it was. **

Afterwards, Ron tells us all to follow our dreams and anything is possible. Especially if you’re a super-rich white guy in America. Anyway, Ron tells Lex to send out Harley Race and Mr. Hughes to face him, which is just what happens, but then Ron blows them off and leaves, looking for Luger instead. OK then.

Terrence Taylor v. Van Hammer

Oh man this one has all the greatest hits of stupid. This is the debut for Van Hammer, who was the latest attempt for WCW to create their own Ultimate Warrior clone and worked about as well as any of the other attempts they did. Taylor attacks with the computer, which is a good metaphor for what Spotify did the recording industry some years later, but Hammer no-sells it and shakes the ropes much like another guy before hitting a front suplex. To the top for a flying kneedrop that finishes at 1:05. He got his nickname because watching his matches was like suffering from heavy metal poisoning. DUD

Meanwhile, Missy Hyatt goes to interview Lex Luger in the dressing room, but Ron Simmons barges in and Luger doesn’t appreciate it, running him out of the room. But then Simmons breaks down the door and the segment ends with nothing decided.

World TV title: Stunning Steve Austin v. Tom Zenk

JR notes that this is our first of 2 title matches, although Sting already defended the US title against Johnny B. Badd earlier in the show last I checked. They fight for the lockup to start and Zenk gets the advantage, as Austin hides in the ropes and then puts Zenk down with a shoulderblock. Also the booking of the US title tournament was completely bizarre, with the entire lower half of the bracket wiped out by draws and reigning TV champion Steve Austin doing the job to Sting in the finals. Just very strange overall. They continue trading headlock attempts and armdrags, but Austin slugs out of it and shows him how it’s done with his OWN headlock. Zenk superkicks him and backdrops him for two, and Austin bails to the floor to regroup. So Zenk dives onto the ramp with a bodypress and back in, where he misses a second bodypress and allows Austin to take over. Austin with a chinlock and he uses the ropes, and then drops Zenk with the stungun but takes too long to cover. So Zenk cradles for two and gets the sleeper, but Lady Blossom puts brass knuckles on Steve’s hand and he knocks Tom out for the pin at 9:10 to retain. This was almost not unlike a real match, kudos. **1/2

Contract signing: Lex Luger and Ron Simmons join us to make the main event of Halloween Havoc official, and then Lex graciously offers Ron the chance to be his chauffeur after he wins, and Ron is really offended by that for some reason and they brawl.

WCW World tag team title tournament final: The Enforcers v. Rick Steiner & Bill Kazmaier

This one was the result of Scott Steiner tearing his arm up, forcing the titles to be vacated, and kicking off one of the all-time terrible WCW tournaments. Larry was fresh off quietly retiring the AWA World title and this was obviously a big step up for him, given it was actual steady employment. Steiner and Kaz have some epic jobbing face on the way to the ring in case it wasn’t obvious already. We’ve got 5 minutes of airtime left so don’t expect this one to run long. Rick quickly gets double-teamed by the Enforcers while Kaz is taped up like the YETAYYYYY after the earlier attack from the Enforcers. I’m not sure what was actually injured but they basically taped up his entire upper torso just to be safe. Rick slugs back on Larry, but a suplex gets two. Rick gets his own suplex on Arn but he has to fight out of the corner and comes back with clotheslines. He goes up for a superplex on Arn, but Larry brings him down, and Kazmaier tags himself in and slams them around. But he tries a press slam on Larry, and Arn hits him in the giant taped ribs, putting Larry on top for the pin and the titles at 3:40. Absolutely nothing to this one. *.

Much like WCW itself in 1991, this thing was ALL OVER THE PLACE, seemingly assembled in a Dusty Rhodes fever dream by cutting up a booking sheet and reassembling the pieces by drawing them out of a hat. There’s a certain charm to it sometimes, I guess, but the next Clash would be much better. Recommendation to avoid this one.