The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 11.04.26

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 11.04.26

BLOOD AND GUTS

I don’t think we’re topping last night’s bloodbath here.  But they’ll probably try.

Live from Jacksonville, FL

Your hosts are Excalibur, Tony Schiavone & Taz

Meanwhile, The Don Callis Family is aiming to do damage tonight so they can soften up their opponents for the PPV matches.  And then we get rebuttal from Team Ospreay, and Mick Foley shares some memories of violence with Cope.

BLOOD AND GUTS:  The Brawling Birds, Kris Statlander, Harley Cameron, Queen Aminata & Willow Nightingale v. Megan Bayne, Lena Kross, Skye Blue, Julia Hart, Thekla & Persephone

We start with Megan Bayne and Kris Statlander and a bunch of weapons.  They trade chops in the corner and Stat hits her with a running knee and goes up, but Bayne brings her down with a rana that drops her on her head, and hits a spear.  Megan finds a gold chair, but Stat uses her own chair and hits an axe kick onto the chair to take over.  Stat beats her down and runs her into a chair in the corner, and Persephone is in at 3:15 for the heels.  Her weapon of choice is a briefcase and she slugs it out with Stat as Bayne is busted open already.  Persephone with a german suplex on Stat and we take a break.  Back with Persephone trying to pull out a tooth with a pair of pliers, which is like something on a character transition in GTA5, and Queen Aminata is in at 8:40 with a barbed wire covered TBS title as her weapon.  So we get a wacky spot with Aminata ramming a trash can lid into Persephone’s face with her ass.

Aminata beats on Bayne in the corner, and Megan’s face is just a mess of blood as Stat adds some kendo stick shots.  Skye Blue is in at 11:08, smashing a light tube on Statlander’s head on the way by, but Aminata won’t let her into the cage.  But with Stat out on the ramp, that allows Bayne and Persephone to double-team Aminata in the ring.  Stat gets some revenge on Skye and busts HER open with the kendo stick, but into the ring for a Code Blue from Skye.  Statlander is understandably bleeding from the light tube spot, and Willow is next at 13:45 with a backpack full of trouble.  She slugs it out with Skye and clobbers her with the bag, but Skye runs her into the cage as we take another break and Megan is still bleeding.  Back with Willow bleeding and punching Bayne in the corner, before revealing a bag of NON-TRADEMARKED TOY BRICKS, WE CAN’T STRESS THAT ENOUGH, and broken glass.  If they end up in a lawsuit battle with Lego there’s not gonna be any money left for trash cans.  Willow hits a spinebuster on Skye onto those and that’s gotta suck.  That brings out Thekla at 19:27 with her own trash can and she’s all painted up and ready for violence.  She trades strap shots with Aminata while poor Excalibur has to hype the rest of the show during this insanity.

Alex Windsor is next at 22:00 and she brings a barbed wire 2×4 and abuses Skye with that, leaving barbed wire stuck to her buttocks.  “She’s got barbed wire stuck to her buttocks!” notes Taz, much more eloquently than I could put it.  And Thekla shoots a net at Alex as we take another break.  Back with Lena Kross at 25:30 and she runs wild and takes out the babyfaces, setting up a toss into the cage for Windsor.  Harley Cameron is in at 28:12, doing some kind of cosplay I can’t place and throwing kicks.  Destroyer on Bayne on the glass and she finds the UKULELE OF DOOM in her bag, but that gets stomped by Kross.  So she pulls out a bigger ukulele with more strings on it for some reason, and smashes that onto Kross to get revenge for her other ukulele.  Julia Hart is last in for the heels at 31:22, and she uses some kind of sharp object to stab people in the face.  We take another break and return with Jamie Hayter as the last one in at 36:00 and the match begins for real.  She’s smashing beer bottles on everyone and the Birds trap Thekla in a trash can and beat on it with chairs and title belts and such. Megan Bayne gets a third wind and tosses trash cans at everyone despite all the blood loss, and then the Dominion powerbombs Statlander into the space between the ring and the cage in a horrifying spot.  The replay shows there was probably some kind of padding that she landed on, at least.

Thekla hangs Harley with a belt and Statlander is forced to watch while also getting choked out, but the Birds regroup and hit everyone with more trash cans.  The law of conservation of trash cans says they’re probably the same trash cans, though.  Is it time for the tables?  Why not.  Plus another table with barbed wire, and hookers, and blackjack.  So Willow tries to choke out Megan in the corner, and Megan can take solace in knowing that at least she can’t really be bleeding any MORE than she already is anyway.  Meanwhile an angry Persephone puts Aminata on a table and climbs the cage to deliver a splash.  And then poor Bayne gets powerbombed through the barbed wire and hookers and blackjack table, and I guess she CAN bleed more via other parts of her body that weren’t previously bleeding before.  Take the rest of the night off, Megan, you’ve earned it.  Harley and Skye slug it out, and Harley puts Julia in a single leg crab.  But that’s not effective enough, so Statlander wraps Julia’s face in barbed wire and gets the submission at 45:40.  Well this was fucking crazy and the men will probably have a rough time following it.  ******.  It didn’t really do anything to set up the PPV but no one’s perfect.

Meanwhile, Ciampa and Andrade will have a National title rematch…ON A BOAT!

Meanwhile, Swerve Strickland shows up late for the show, and Creed confronts him over the lack of communication and teamwork being shown lately.  But Swerve feels everything was necessary, at which point an enraged Bandido shows up and attacks, dragging Swerve into the arena for a brawl and suplexing him on the ramp and threatening to smash his head in with a steel truss.  But Creed saves, at which point security finally does their job and breaks it up.  Bandido wants to kill Swerve for stealing his mask last week, but Hangman talks him down, and now Bandido wants TEXAS DEATH.  So Hangman finally relents, flipping his heart from red to blue, metaphorically speaking.  Man, I just can’t take Texas Death seriously as a stip anymore now that the state is officially a woke cesspool of liberalism.  I bet they do their steaks medium-well now and serve vegetables with them while drinking non-alcoholic craft beer.  Might as well be…ugh…California or something.

Meanwhile, Jon Moxley has a sitdown with the Conglomeration, proposing a truce with them and offering a fork of peace.  Just like the pilgrims.

Mercedes Mone joins us, calling out Marina right away, and Marina informs her that she hits like a pussy ass bitch.  I’m not an expert but I feel like them’s are FIGHTING words.  So Mone beats her down and puts her in the Statement Maker to prove her wrong.  Pretty good promo from Marina, although she has no real shot at the PPV and it’s more of an interesting test of Mone’s ability to carry her.

Meanwhile, Nick Wayne wanders Miami showing off his mad riz, complete with pyro in the arena when he mentions that he beat Chris Jericho.  And then he shows up in the arena, promising to mog Chris Jericho on the boat this Saturday.  I’m assuming it’s bad to be mogged and one does not want that to happen to them.  Nick Wayne makes me feel very very old, and although I didn’t understand his strange language and mannerisms, he seems impressive in his usage of them.

Meanwhile, it’s Match #4 between the Guns and FTR…ON A BOAT!

BLOOD AND GUTS PART DEUX:  Will Ospreay, The Young Bucks, Cope, Darby Allin & STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE Borden v. Kyle Fletcher, Kazuchika Okada, Mark Davis, Jake Doyle, Wardlow & Kevin Knight

Kyle Fletcher starts out with Darby Allin, who comes out in a bodybag to expedite the process when he no doubt dies in this cage tonight.  Fletcher drops Darby on the turnbuckle in the corner and tosses him into the ropes between the rings for an awkward bump.  Darby comes off the cage with a coffin splash on Kyle and then double stomps the skateboard on his back.  So Kyle slams on the board, wheels up, because as noted Darby is crazy.  Don Callis notes that it’s called “the trucks” and Taz corrects him that the trucks are actually the metal supports.  So Kyle slams Darby onto the trucks as if to demonstrate.  Kevin Knight is in at 3:00 and Darby tries to fight them both off, but Knight dropkicks Darby off Kyle’s shoulders.  Next up, he puts Darby on a chair and monkey-flips him, with Darby still seated on the chair, and Fletcher superkicks him off it.  Now that’s a spot I’ve never seen before.  Nick Jackson is next at 5:40 and he’s wearing all white so you know blood is gonna flow.  He runs wild and hits Kyle with a destroyer and they gain control.  Jake Doyle is in for the heels, dressed like Henry Godwinn, and he cleans house as we take a break.  Back with Matt Jackson at 12:11 and he’s got a garbage can, presumably not the same one from the women’s match.  I mean, Skydance needs to cut billions from the budget, I’ve heard, so you never know.  Matt beats on Hillbilly Jake with the can, but Doyle fires up and powerbombs him on the can, and that’s coming right out of the supplementary trash can budget, I bet.  Mark Davis is next, also paying tribute to hog farmers, and he cartwheels into an enzuigiri and smashes the Bucks.  But Darby comes off the ceiling to sneak attack them, and he gets caught and bad stuff happens to him.  Blood update:  Matt Jackson and Kyle Fletcher.

Adam Copeland is next at 17:45 and he beats on everyone with chairs and then puts Davis through a pair of chairs with a Slop Drop.  But then he charges and gets clocked by Doyle before taking a ride into a chair as we take another break.  Wardlow is next as we return at 22:29, and he hits Nick Jackson with an F5 and smashes Darby into the cage.  So we get various crazy violence while Excalibur is like “Hey fans we’re having a bunch of matches ON A BOAT this Saturday!” and there’s a bit of dissonance there.  But I mean, I love the boat shows so I’ll probably watch anyway.  STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVEN Borden is in for the faces at 26:18 and he slugs it out with Wardlow and backdrops out of a powerbomb attempt before hitting everyone with Steven Splashes in all four corners.  Borden introduces thumbtacks but gets clubbed down by Davis & Doyle and slammed onto them.  Kazuchika Okada is next at 28:07 with a leaf blower to clean up the tacks, apparently working for OSHA in between shows, but Borden makes a comeback as we take one last break.  Back with Will Ospreay as the last guy in and we get the big showdown spot as they all slug it out in the middle.  Everyone falls out, leaving us with Ospreay and Fletcher and they do an amazing reversal sequence until Will hits him with a Hidden Blade and then gives Okada one as well.  But then Knight finds a barbed wire chair for a coast to coast dropkick where the camera angle sadly shows the foot of space between the chair and Will’s head.  Wardlow finds an innocent looking backpack, but because he hasn’t been around, he doesn’t understand the reference, and it explodes in his face for the payoff.  And then the Bucks use EXPLODING SUPERKICKS on Okada, and change into thumbtack shoes for a SUPERKICK PARTY on Davis and Doyle.

Don Callis, offended at use of weapons, sends his patented screwdriver into the ring in the name of fair play, and Kyle stabs some people with that.  But then a pissed off Ospreay bites Kyle on the arm to get it away from him, only for Kyle to drop him with a brainbuster on the barbed wire chair.  So Callis talks shit about Darby until Darby squeezes through the cage holes and goes after him, necessitating Wardlow ripping the door off to save his manager.  He tries for a powerbomb, but Darby skitters up the cage to escape and we wind up on the roof.  Wardlow carries him around the cage in a suplex, but Darby goes low while the Callis C-team sets up tables beside the cage.  You know, in case they’re needed.  Back in the ring, Okada puts a thumbtack sleeve on his arm and sets up a Rainmaker, but Cope spears him through a table to escape that.  Davis and Doyle batter Cope into the cage and Okada somehow makes it out to the floor and uses a chain to strangle Cope on the cage.  And with the heels all doing vile things to the babyfaces, Cope is forced to surrender at 48:00, to prevent Ospreay from being stabbed in the face by a screwdriver-wielding Kyle Fletcher.  I mean, to be fair, lots of worse stuff had happened already and the match kept going.  This one didn’t have the same chaotic energy of the women’s match and was honestly kind of a letdown, especially with the match kind of petering out at the end.  It felt more like a bunch of murder spots in between the guys waiting for their turn to do them, as opposed to the escalating madness of the women’s match.   ****. On another show I might have gone higher, but trying to follow the women’s match was like setting off a bottle rocket after someone had just detonated a nuclear weapon. And then Darby gets thrown through the tables from the top of the cage for the epilogue.  See what I mean about the bodybag?

The women’s match was out of this world great, the men’s match somewhat less so, but still they did a pretty adequate job of building to the PPV with these, I thought.  And most importantly, the show came in under budget on trash cans when all was said and done.