The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 05.22.24

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 05.22.24

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BREAKING NEWS: Today I learned that Apple deliberately nerfs the sensitivity on the Caps Lock key on Macbooks, calling it a “feature” to keep from hitting Caps Lock unintentionally. Which is a huge pain in the ass for people like myself who need to INTENTIONALLY HIT THE CAPS LOCK KEY ALL THE TIME. So of course, given my writing style, you can imagine how it drives me nuts to have to hit it three times while typing. Turns out there’s a workaround via Accessibility options, which immediately makes my life 200% better. I swear I thought I was going crazy for the past couple of years after going Mac after years of using Windows PCs, but it’s amazing what Googling your annoyances can do sometimes.

Live from Bakersfield, CA

Your hosts are Taz, Excalibur and Tony Schiavone

Orange Cassidy & Will Ospreay v. Trent Beretta & Roderick Strong

Big brawl to start as the energy from Orange and Ospreay is very different. But Orange does try to do the Ospreay hand sign, so you have to give him that. Ospreay hits a flying bodypress on Strong for two, but Strong gets a backbreaker and the heels take over. Strong with a dropkick for two and goes to a chinlock, but Will backdrops out of it and it’s back to Orange. He runs Strong into the turnbuckles a few times and goes up, but Trent brings him down and Roddy drops him on the top turnbuckle with a gutbuster and they double-team him on the floor as we take a break. Back with Ospreay coming back with an insane double Pele kick for two on Trent. Trent tries a guillotine, but Ospreay counters him, so Trent gets a suplex instead and it’s back to Strong. He hits the running forearms and gets a slam for two. But then Ospreay hits a flying splash and Orange hits his version of a “flying” splash for two. Orange really taking it up a notch here. Orange with a diving DDT on Trent and a tornado DDT on Strong, but that only gets two. Strong tries a brainbuster on Orange, but Don Callis helps out Orange and Ospreay hits the Kingdom dorks with a double dive. But then Wardlow shows up and clobbers Will, and the heels double-team Orange and Strong finishes him with End of Heartache at 12:34. A fun opener to get some heat on Strong before he gets mauled at the PPV. ***1/4. And then the heels triple-team Ospreay and bust him open with the International title.

Meanwhile, the Young Bucks hand out flyers declaring that Darby Allin is barred from the building in the name of “having the safest locker room in the business”. Wocka wocka. And then Sonjay Dutt stops by and promises that Satnam is going to break Bryan Danielson like a pencil, and then breaks his pencil and does a hilarious supervillain laugh at his own joke.

The Bang Bang Gang, who are apparently no longer “Bullet Club Gold” anymore, join us and debate whether it’s “Pac” or “Puck”. So they accuse Pack of provoking them, and Pac interrupts on the KhanTron, and Death Triangle returns for a brawl to set up a Trios title match for the PPV. Well that one should rule.

Hook v. Katsuyori Shibata v. Bryan Keith

They do a wacky triple sleeper to start and we quickly take a break, and then return with Bryan getting a comeback, but Hook and Shibata both put him in a submission and he taps at 6:45. Most of the match took place during the break. So since both guys made Keith tap, they both get a shot in a three-way FTW title match with Jericho. That was a dumb finish and this whole thing with Jericho felt very throwaway. Also Tony carefully hiding the Monster energy at the desk because they’re only supposed to be shilling Flair’s radioactive swill made me laugh.

Konosuke Takeshita v. Matt Sydal

Takeshita lays him out with a brainbuster and puts the boots to him, but Sydal comes back with a dropkick to the knee and follows with a DDT. Takeshita comes back with the Blue Thunder Bomb and then just punches him in the face and pins him at 2:00. I don’t really understand why they’re doing a non-title match on the PPV. Since when has Moxley ever been a guy who backs down from defending a title? So Takeshita inflicts more damage on Sydal, but Mox comes out of the audience, grabs the mic, and knocks Takeshita out before leaving again.

Meanwhile, the Bucks remind everyone that Darby is BANNED from the building.

Swerve Strickland v. Nick Wayne

So of course, I had the distinction of being in the audience for the first time these two met, RIGHT HERE, IN SASKATOON, although now both guys are in a drastically different position from each other a year later. Also I’m glad to see Nick finally got a damn haircut. Nick runs away to be a dick, but Swerve catches him and runs him into the railing before taking off his belt and taking Nick to the proverbial woodshed. Wayne dives on Swerve and gets caught, but he turns it into a DDT on the floor and we take a break. Back with Swerve dropping Wayne on the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING, with a backdrop suplex. Swerve follows with a Swerve Stomp off the apron. Back in the ring, Wayne manages a rollup for two and follows with a Code Red for two. Nick tries his own House Call kick, but Swerve catches him and powerslams him, and then hits him with a House Call Kick for the pin at 8:32. This was fine but I wish they’d have Swerve run through guys like Wayne a lot easier. **1/2. Afterwords, Killswitch and Christian try for the attack, but Swerve chases them off and Christian makes a break for the parking lot and drives off. And then Prince Nana cuts him off and allows Swerve to pull him out of the car and they brawl onto the roof of the SUV, at which point Christian runs away again. Glad to see Nana making his choice because breaking up that act would be a huge mistake.

Kyle O’Reilly v. Malakai Black

BREAKING NEWS: Rampage is actually airing on Friday for once. Kyle is sporting Canucks colors tonight, so he’s clearly going to lose. They trade kicks to start and both guys go down, but Black is up first with a springboard, which Kyle blocks with a mid-air legsweep. But then Malakai SWEEPS THE LEG and puts him on the floor with a high knee and we take a break. Back with them trading submission attempts and Black gets a brainbuster for two. They trade kicks again, and Malakai fakes a head kick and then hits The End for the pin at 10:13. A very cool and different TV match for them. ***. And then we get a black out (well red out) and poor Black gets hit with a BLOODBATH like it’s the old Brood days. Man they gotta get Gangrel in for a one-shot deal one of these days. This isn’t the kind of thing they should do all the time like Russo did, but once as an unexpected payoff to a gag is great. Also that shit hit him at like 300MPH, making it double hilarious.

Toni Storm & Mariah May v. Harley Cameron & Saraya

Storm slugs it out with Saraya and Team Toni double-teams Saraya in the corner with a slam for two. This actually sets up a hilarious spot, as Toni slams Mariah on Saraya, but then Mariah tries the slam on Toni and Toni won’t go up for her and makes Mariah take the slam herself again. That was tremendous and 100% in character for Toni. We take a break and return with Toni running wild as a babyface, and we get double superplexes from Team Timeless, which are reversed into stereo powerbombs by the Outcasts. But then the faces stun with STEREO KISSES and finish Harley with Storm Zero at 8:53. This was wacky and hilarious I don’t know why they don’t just lean into the crowd and turn Toni babyface for good. ***. Afterwards, Serena Deeb lays out Toni to prevent any post-match tomfoolery, then hits her with a shoe and puts her in a submission, which seems to be a sign that they’re finally cluing in that Deeb is not the babyface in this feud.

Bryan Danielson v. Satnam Singh

Didn’t they have a whole thing where Jay Lethal broke away from the Jarrett circus months ago? I mean, I’ve missed Jeff Jarrett on TV more than I’d ever expect, so I’m not complaining about getting the band back together again, but still. Satnam puts Bryan in the corner for a chop and then picks him up for a delayed suplex, so delayed they should call it all of Donald Trump’s trials. To the floor, where Dutt preps the announce table and does a lousy job of it, allowing Danielson to come back with kicks from the apron and a running kick into the railing. Satnam chokeslams him on the apron and back in the ring, that gets two. The heels pull the pad off the turnbuckle, but Bryan goes low behind the ref’s back and hits the bu saiku knee and follows with the Yes Kicks. Singh takes that and chops Danielson back down, but he tries another suplex and Bryan hits him with elbows from mid-air and takes him down into a Lebell Lock, at which point the jackals all run in for the DQ at 5:06. Better than I was expecting but still not particularly good for anything. *1/2. So the Elite all hit the ring and proceed to beating on Danielson, but Darby Allin shows up in defiance of his ban, and he’s got a FLAME THROWER? Come on now. They have to at least pretend to maintain a modicum of believability here. That kind of took me out of the ending, to be honest.

This was best described as a very wacky episode of Dynamite, as Tony Khan apparently was watching a 1999 episode of RAW while doing shrooms and got inspired. That’s fine sometimes, everyone needs to let their freak flag fly from time to time. PPV looks kind of hit-or-miss for me, but tonight’s two hours of Sportz Entertainment at least did a good job of hyping the show and made me more interested than I was going in.