WWF SmackDown! Rewind: 09.16.99 – “Vince Goes for the Gold”

Previously on SmackDown: Triple H attacks Big Show before doing the work to bury Mankind, causing Mankind and Rock to lose their Buried Alive match and their World Tag Team Titles. Stone Cold returns and tries to murder Triple H by throwing him into an ambulance and then smashing with a semi. British Bulldog returns, wins the Hardcore Title and gives it to Al Snow.

Earlier today, the referees are outside the arena with signs. They’ve gone on strike due to unsafe working conditions.

Fireworks explode towards the Ovaltron! This week, we are taped from the Thomas & Mack Center in Las Vegas, a city which at the time had only hosted a horrible WrestleMania.

The glass breaks and out comes Stone Cold Steve Austin. “Sports entertainment personified,” yells Michael Cole. Austin tells Triple H that he isn’t done with him despite his loss via disqualification on Raw. Earl Hebner, who got his lights punched out, was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He promises to hunt Triple H down, open a can of whoop ass and serve it in front of the whole world. We’re doing things the easy way or the hard way tonight – Triple H can come out and give Stone Cold his rematch tonight no holds barred on SmackDown or Triple H will be carted out of the building in a body bag.

WWF Champion Triple H, Chyna, and a sea of police officers enter to share some thoughts. “You ain’t getting jack, jack.” He thinks Austin blew his opportunity Monday. He’s been ordered to defend his title tonight. He stops for an asshole chant, which Austin points out. He is defending his title tonight against a main event competitor of his choice but it won’t be Austin. “That is the name of the Game,” HHH tries to use as an exit catchphrase. It doesn’t work. Austin promises to follow Triple H all night long because Austin 3:16 will be so far up his ass he won’t be able to walk again. There was a big focus on anal insertions in 1999.

Announced for Unforgiven, a six-pack challenge with Triple H, Undertaker, Kane, Big Show, Mankind and The Rock. This is due to the chaos of Raw with referees being attacked during a number one contender match on Raw. Now the refs are on strike.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler greet us from ringside. Tonight, a 5-Man Royal Rumble rules match, Ken Shamrock vs Curtis Hughes and Big Boss Man vs Al Snow in a Pepper on a Pole Match. What a night.

“No Chance in Hell” brings out Shane McMahon. He’s asked the Mean Street Posse to stay out of Stephanie’s business, but they haven’t so he’s challenging Joey Abs to a match.

Shane McMahon vs Joey Abs (with Terri, Pete Gas and Rodney)

Shane leaps from the ring onto the Posse and starts beating them all up, tossing Joey in the ring. There is no referee, so there’s that. Stephanie McMahon and Test watch from backstage. The Posse stomp on Shane and Joey tells them he wants Shane himself. Gerald Brisco runs out in a referee shirt and shoves Joey, Shane rolling him up for two. Pete Gas pulls Brisco out of the ring and beats him up, giving Rodney a chance to come in and attack. Rodney holds Shane, Shane ducks and Abs clothesline Rodney. Pat Patterson runs out in a ref shirt and khaki shorts, counting a two before Rodney pulls HIM out of the ring. Shane hits a big spear and goes up top hitting a corkscrew as Shawn Stasiak is our third referee, running out with a fast count. Stephanie runs out to celebrate as Test nods from ringside. Stephanie punts Joey just to add a little insult to injury.

Shane McMahon pins Joey Abs. This was mostly a mess, but it IS interesting to watch Shane do wild stuff. I have no idea how Shawn Stasiak suddenly got lumped into this, but I imagine I missed a chapter on Raw.

Celebrities! They love SmackDown! Cindy Margolis is at ringside. Ivory is watching backstage and sees this, storming out.

WWF Women’s Champion Ivory is on her way to the ring. She says being champion lets her meet many interesting people. She points to one of those, Cindy Margolis in the crowd. Lawler reminds us that Cindy is the most downloaded star in the history of the internet as Cindy comes to join Ivory in the ring. “Those are restaurant quality puppies,” notes the King about our celebrity guest. She’s on the new hot UPN show Shasta McNasty! She asks Cindy to show the crowd one of her internet poses, perhaps a bikini pose. Cindy declines and leaves, being yanked back by Ivory who demands she lay down before she makes her do it. Cindy hits the pose and out runs Jeff Jarrett, who grabs her leg and hooks the figure-four as the fans boo and Ivory cackles. Then he spears Ivory and does it to her too. What a scamp!

Lilian Garcia is backstage with Triple H and Chyna. Triple H promises it will not be Austin getting the title shot tonight.

WWF European Title: WWF European Champion Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry vs Steve Blackman

We flash back to Raw, where we learn via GTV that Mark Henry was distracted by the Godfather’s ladies and wasn’t there to team with Blackman. Blackman unloads with kicks and battles with Henry to the outside. Tony Garea is our referee for this one. Val Venis runs out and cracks Blackman with a kendo stick as Henry distracts Garea. Henry covers the downed Blackman for the pin as D’Lo Brown runs out to attack Henry. Henry hits the Sky High on Henry and the crowd are feeling him. At Unforgiven, Val faces Blackman and D’Lo tries to regain the belt from Henry.

Mark Henry pins Steve Blackman to retain the European Title. This was short and not great, but it happened and advanced two matches at once. Things are happening so quickly on the shows. This time last week, we hadn’t heard the “Sexual Chocolate” theme and now here we are.

Cindy Margolis is being loaded onto a stretcher when Jarrett interrupts, telling her to send a message to Chyna. Test comes to her honor and brawls with Jarrett to lead us to commercial.

Terry Taylor, a man who works here apparently, has caught up with Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett issues a challenge to Test and promises his bride-to-be won’t recognize him when he’s done.

Chris Jericho and Curtis Hughes are here, Jericho with his usual shiny shirt and Hughes without glasses and with a shiny blue sleeveless shirt. Jericho says that Shamrock admitted backstage that Jericho is the world’s most dangerous man and begged him to make sure that they never, eeeeever meet face to face a-gain. Jericho also searched hard for a referee for this match and presents to us Senor Manuel Garcia Lopez, or as we know him El Dopo. The masked referee has a very similar build to Howard Finkel, but that’s probably a coincidence.

Curtis Hughes (with Chris Jericho) vs Ken Shamrock

Shamrock pounds at Hughes as Jericho joins commentary. They brawl outside as Jericho remembers El Dopo’s great matches at MSG in the 1970s. Shamrock tosses Hughes into the stairs as Jericho runs from Shamrock, Shamrock running right into Hughes. Jericho chokes Shamrock with a cord as El Dopo watches. Shamrock rolls Hughes into an anklelock in the ring and Hughes grabs the rope, El Dopo calling for a disqualification as Shamrock didn’t release the hold. As you’d expect, Shamrock unmasks Dopo and it is actually Howard Finkel. Jericho and Hughes leave Finkel on his own.

Curtis Hughes defeats Ken Shamrock by disqualification. It’s interesting to see Hughes in this particular era and not in the glasses and button-up most of us remember him in. The match itself was like most SmackDown matches of this era, short and inoffensive. Maybe the real El Dopo will appear in the weeks to come. It’s an interesting note to see that Hughes has a win over Shamrock in his career. It is even more interesting to go to Cagematch and learn that Hughes is still competing, having three matches each year for the last three years.

Lilian has caught up with Mankind. He thinks he and Rock will function as a team in the five-man Rumble rules match tonight. “Mankind is the people’s rear end.” She wonders if Triple H would pick Mankind as his opponent tonight and Mankind says he thinks it would be even cooler if Rock was picked.

And now, the WWF Boot of the Week brought to you by Ugz. On Raw, all the referees get laid out during the number one contender’s match.

The referees continue to strike. “It’s not for money, it’s for respect,” yells Earl Hebner.

Five-Man Royal Rumble Rules Match

The Rock is out first. We get a new man every minute with the winner getting first crack at the WWF Champion in for Unforgiven match. Finally, The Rock has come back to Las Vegas. He tells all four jabroni opponents to go to the Tropicana Hotel and makes fun of Undertaker’s 33.5 pound head, Kane talking into his voicebox, and Big Show making chokeslam noises. Rock promises to gather their gold coins, shine them up, turn them sideways and stick them straight up their candy asses. It’s hard to miss just how good Rock was at this time and the connection he had. He had the crowd in the palm of his hand for the entire promo.

Big Show is our second entrant, Lawler echoing Rock’s “Big Slow” nickname six times in case we missed it. We see Triple H and Chyna backstage. Rock unloads the right hands on Show, Show gets a choke on Rock as we tick down to the next entrant. Third is Mankind as we note security guard Jim Dotson in a sleeveless referee shirt at ringside as well as timekeeper Mark Yeaton (he has sleeves). Rock and Mankind double-team Show with a kneelift and a double clothesline.

Our fourth entrant is Kane as Cole questions if each new entrant could be Triple H’s challenger tonight. Show tries to get Mankind over the rope while Kane batters Rock in the corner. Another minute brings us our fifth and final entrant, The Undertaker. Taker is in street clothes (or future American Badass Taker clothes) and doesn’t enter the ring, instead walking around to the announce table. Kane is tossed, Mankind is tossed. Show chokeslams Rock and tosses Rock, turning around and not seeing that Rock didn’t hit the floor. Taker goes in and eliminates Rock and Show in one swoop, winning the match. Post-match, Rock tries to attack with a chair but gets stomped down by the Ministry with Viscera crushing Rock under a splash.

The Undertaker wins the 5-Man Royal Rumble Rules match. Again, it was short. It wasn’t particularly good.

Hardcore and Bob Holly are walking with the scale.

After break, here come Hardcore Holly and Crash Holly. Tonight, SmackDown is brought to you by Castrol GTX, Burger King, and Milky Way with new caramel. Hardcore calls out Chyna, telling her she’s had plenty of time to find a partner.

Hardcore Holly & Crash Holly vs Chyna

Chyna enters and says she doesn’t need a partner. She handles Crash pretty quickly and Hardcore tags in, working her arm. Chyna crotches both Hollys as we see that Dave Hebner is our referee. Mr. Ass comes in and joins as partner, Dave counting him into the match. Ass tags himself in, hits the Fameasser on Crash and gets the pin. As Ass and Chyna argue, Jarrett returns to smash Chyna with a frying pan and Ass leaves. Miss Kitty and Debra bring out an apron that Jarrett puts on Chyna, then he puts the frying pan in her hand. Don’t worry, he grabs a mic and further explains that she belongs in the kitchen.

Mr. Ass pins Crash Holly, Mr. Ass and Chyna defeat the Hollys. It’s a low bar, but Chyna matches continue to be some of the better matches on SmackDown. Chyna has about six stories going at once.

Lilian is with Big Boss Man and a doggie bag, which has the last remains of Pepper. After he climbs the pole and gets the bag, he’s shoving it down Al Snow’s throat. Sure.

Pepper on a Pole Match: Big Boss Man vs Al Snow

Our referee is Sgt. Slaughter. Cole hypes up the Kennel in a Cell match at Unforgiven which I’m sure will be a classic and not something we’ll make fun of for the rest of time. After some brawling, Al tries to climb the pole but Boss Man grabs him for a beautiful mid-air slam. Boss Man gets the night stick and smashes Snow before climbing the pole. British Bulldog and People with Rottweilers come to the ring, the dogs barking at Boss Man. Boss Man grabs the bag and tosses it to the floor; Snow runs out and grabs it. Boss Man dodges over the barricade to avoid the rottweilers.

Al Snow wins the Pepper on a Pole match. Friends, this was not good. May we let Pepper rest in peace.

Triple H warns the cops to watch for Austin. We see Austin peek out of a semi behind the backs of all twelve officers, none of which have seen the suspect in their vicinity.

This is the Smack of the Night, brought to you by Duke Nukem Zero Hour. Jeff Jarrett puts the figure four on Cindy Margolis.

WWF Intercontinental Title: WWF Intercontinental Champion Jeff Jarrett (with Debra and Miss Kitty) vs Test

This is a very Jarrett-heavy show. The Mean Street Posse very quickly appear, distracting Test. Jarrett takes Test down with a second-rope clothesline as the King calls for a nearby kitten. Referee Mark Yeaten is distracted by Rodney, who is pulled down by Stephanie McMahon. Pete Gas tosses Test into the stairs and Shane McMahon is here to clobber Rodney. The Stooges and Stasiak join and we have a no-contest as the brawl takes over the ring.

This is match is a no-contest. This never had a chance to get going, but it was all about the brawl. Stephanie goes in to check on Test and Jarrett grabs her leg, Shane giving him the super spear to stop it. Shane is the only man more overpowered than Jeff Jarrett in 1999.

Triple H, Chyna and the police officers are headed towards the ring. Stephanie and Test leave backstage.

The audio tonight largely sounds like it has come from a tin can. HHH is here for his title defense and has been given the right to choose a referee of his choice. He calls for Shane McMahon, who is seen watching backstage with Vince and Linda McMahon. This is where we note the police squad are all facing the entrance and not turning around. HHH lists off superstars that could be deserving of a title shot tonight and denies them all. HHH says the individual tonight is playing in a game he wants no part of, one that wants to be a hero and with balls the size of grapefruits. “Vince, you wanna be a hero to your old lady?” I don’t think he cares about being a hero to that old lady, no. He says he’ll let Linda ride his bench, which gets Vince to head to the ring. “Move your crotchedy old ass,” yells 1999 Triple H.

Vince in suit walks between the officers with a mic. He wants to go in the back to discuss this like businessmen. Vince says he will have nothing to do with WWF business, something that’ll be a bigger statement later in life. HHH asks what happened to the man with balls the size of grapefruits. Vince gives him a big “no” and Triple H tells him to go hide behind his skirt and “tell your sexually frustrated wife that you can’t get the job done but Triple H can keep it up all night for her.”

WWF Title: Triple H (with Chyna) vs Vince McMahon

Vince attacks and we’re underway. HHH stomps at Vince and beats him in the corner for a while. Triple H chokes Vince who gives us the exaggerated sell of course. HHH shoves Shane and Chyna cheap shots Vince as Shane is distracted. Vince low blows HHH and Shane – a very biased referee – yells to his dad that he can do this. Vince is stomped to the outside, HHH following and grabbing a cable to choke Vince. You know what we don’t have in 2025? People being choked by camera cords. Shane jumps out and asks what Triple H is trying to prove.

Vince goes head-first into the stairs and then onto the announce table. Trips climbs onto the barricade and drops onto Vince, crashing through the table. HHH tosses Vince back into the ring and grabs a chair from Chyna. Shane stops things and gets shoved down, HHH smashing Vince over the head. Shane spears Triple H and Chyna joins for the stomping of Shane. The fans chant for Austin as Vince’s head is busted open and Shane takes a chair shot as well. Patterson, Brisco and Linda McMahon head to ringside and the men are tossed. Linda gets on the apron and comes in, Chyna holding her back like Linda would try to hold back the educational standards of the United States. Triple H pounds Vince as Linda attempts to emote in Linda’s arms.

Triple H sets up the pedigree and the glass breaks, Austin coming over the barricade and attacking Triple H. Chyna takes a Stunner. HHH takes a Stunner. Austin pulls McMahon on top of Triple H and drags Shane over, watching him count to three and giving McMahon a salute of his own.

Vince McMahon pins Triple H to become the new WWF Champion.

Austin runs through the crowd, Triple H gives chase. With his family and minions at his side, the show ends with a bloodied Vince holding up his new championship.

The match of course wasn’t good. Vince was at his best in-ring taking a beating, but more when he was taking a goofy beating from Austin than a serious Triple H beat down. This was all about the moment and making another shocking choice, which in this case feels like a big “eh.” As it seems to go with watching these early SmackDowns, something entirely different will be happening next week anyway as Raw will change eight things. In this case, next week Vince will forfeit the belt on Raw before we get to SmackDown.

This was the first of the SmackDowns to be a bit of a drag to get through. It’s still “everything is happening” but it was a very Triple H and Jeff Jarrett-led episode. That’s not always a bad thing, but this one didn’t really connect with me. Maybe next week. At least they won’t do something like have Triple H wrestle in five different gimmick matches next week, right? Right? Wait, what do you MEAN?