WWF SmackDown! Rewind: 9.09.99 – “Buried Alive”

Previously on SmackDown: Evil co-owner Shane McMahon forces Rock and Mankind to face each other before fellow co-owners Stephanie & Linda McMahon team Shane and Triple H against them. Big Boss Man cooks Al Snow a meal well seasoned with Pepper. The Dudley Boyz debut to disrupt a tag title challenger gauntlet and Chyna keeps her Intercontinental Title contender role.

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Fireworks! The Ovaltron! As usual we are not live but we are coming to you from the Pepsi Arena in Albany, New York on UPN. Signs are all over the place.

Arrivals! Kane walks in but is attacked by Triple H and Chyna with pipes. Undertaker and Big Show appear, Big Show getting attacked as well and Taker standing over his brother.

Here’s a look at Al Snow throwing up pepper steak last week and Snow coming out as Avatar on Raw. Big Boss Man joins us in the ring and calls himself the top dog. “Nobody’s crazier than me,” says Boss Man as the crowd calls him an asshole. He proposes an open challenge tonight. “If there’s any dog lovers in the back, come on down.”

WWF Hardcore Title: WWF Hardcore Champion Big Boss Man vs British Bulldog

The British Bulldog, for the first time since the 1997 Survivor Series, walks the WWF aisle. We last saw him in a match in October 1998, battling Meng on WCW Saturday Night. Michael Cole tells us that we knew Bulldog was coming back, which I will believe, I guess. Bulldog is wrestling in a hoodie and jeans, brawling into the crowd with Boss Man. Boss Man tosses him into the stairs and misses a big chair shot. Bulldog clocks Boss Man with a chair and then Boss Man’s nightstick, knocking him out and pinning him.

British Bulldog pins Big Boss Man to become new WWF Hardcore Champion.

The Rockers’ music plays, and Al Snow runs out as Leif Cassidy, shoving a note in Boss Man’s mouth. Bulldog looks on, probably thinking that this is bizarre. Bulldog hands the title to Al Snow and Al celebrates. Al Snow is the new WWF Hardcore Champion. Sure, okay. Welcome back, Bulldog.

We see a gravesite set under the Ovaltron as Cole tells us we have a Buried Alive match tonight with Rock and Mankind defending their World Tag Team Titles against Big Show and Undertaker. We’re really just throwing everything at SmackDown these first few episodes.

Kane, having removed his street clothes, is dousing a car with gasoline. We’re told it is Triple H’s car.

After a break, Kane is still gassing up the car. Triple H comes out, and he dumps gasoline on him too. Kane grabs a lighter and Triple H runs.

Edge & Christian (with Stevie Richards) vs The New Brood (Matt & Jeff Hardy with Gangrel)

Stevie Richards is in Gangrel gear and comes out with E&C, both looking confused. We learn that Edge and Christian won the #1 contendership on Raw against the Acolytes. The actual Gangrel leads out the New Brood through the ring of fire. A Hardys vs Edge & Christian match? I’ll take it.

Matt and Christian start it off. Jeff tags in and ranas Christian as Cole tells us that he has heard Stone Cold will return tonight. Edge tags in and they hit Jeff with a bulldog. Gangrel clotheslines Edge on the outside as the referee deals with Stevie, Jeff swan dives onto Edge on the outside. “These Hardy Boyz could care less about their bodies,” Cole tells us. We are well aware. Matt walks like he is 132 years old now. The Hardys double team Edge but both miss dives, giving Christian a shot to tag in. Matt leaps on Edge. As the referee is distracted, Gangrel tries to attack but is hit by Richards. Edge and Christian hit a dual neckbreaker and Edge gets the pin.

Edge pins Jeff Hardy, Edge & Christian defeat the Hardy Boyz. While not one of their epics, this was a good TV match. Nothing wrong with it.

The lights go out and Cole presumes a bloodbath, but they come back to Kane choke slamming both Hardys and Gangrel. Kane grabs a microphone. “Triple H, tonight I will burn the flesh from your body.” Well, that isn’t nice. I hope they have security.

Lilian Garcia is following Bulldog who doesn’t want to answer questions.

X-Pac has arrived and is asking where Kane is at. If only you were on time, you’d know.

Lilian has found Triple H. HHH promises to douse Kane in his own blood. He’ll bring his title and sledgehammer and Kane can come get both.

X-Pac joins us in the arena tonight in a serious mood as he does not have a Hansen’s Energy Drink. He wants to talk to Kane. The fire explodes and Kane joins us. X-Pac tells Kane that he’s going to have to go it alone because Kane came out and got in his business. X-Pac leaves and Cole wonders how Kane can be feeling having now lost his best friend. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler greet us from ringside with thoughts. Lawler: “What’s X-Pac going to do? He’s going to have Kane in touch with his feminine side next.” Don’t worry, the Mayor will be too busy freaking out about people wearing masks.

Speaking of masks, two men in masks enter the arena via elevator, one with a blonde ponytail sticking out of the top of his mask. I assume the other one is Austin Theory.

Hardcore Holly (with Crash Holly) vs Chyna

SmackDown is brought to you by Hansen’s Energy, JVC Kaboom! Box, and SquareSoft’s new PlayStation game Final Fantasy VIII. Hardcore says he is looking for a fight against a super heavyweight. “I want some googly-eyed monkey to come walking down that curtain right now,” Holly says. “My Time” plays and we get Chyna. He tells her that he doesn’t wrestle women but tells her that her implants are 200-pound bags of silicone. I’m not sure that’s how it works. Chyna grabs the scale and hits Hardcore, the referee deciding that’s a fair time to ring the bell.

Chyna forearms Crash off the apron and takes a clothesline from Hardcore. The Hollys argue, giving Chyna a chance to DDT Hardcore. WWF Intercontinental Champion Jeff Jarrett runs in (followed by Debra and Miss Kitty) and attacks Chyna for the DQ, Mr. Ass chases. Lawler woohoos for puppies and kittens while Mr. Ass helps Chyna up, reuniting… except Ass takes her down with the Fameasser. The Hollys brawl around ringside after the match as they do.

Chyna defeats Hardcore Holly by disqualification. This was short and not bad. Chyna has probably been the standout of the start of the SmackDown run by being a part of the main story and her own story.

X-Pac, now drinking a refreshing Hansen’s Energy Drink, leaves the arena. Elsewhere, Kane sits in the dark being an emo kid.

The Rock and Mankind arrive together, Mankind having taken a ride in the back of Rock’s limo. It doesn’t matter if Mankind likes his shirt, Rock tells Mankind.

Bradshaw (with Faarooq) vs Buh Buh Ray Dudley (with D-Von Dudley)

Two big ol’ boys brawling, says Cole. Bubba suplexes Bradshaw and they brawl outside. After some brawling, Bradshaw hits a Clothesline from Hell though it isn’t quite up to finisher status. D-Von attacks, Faarooq follows and we’re brawling.

Bradshaw defeats Buh Buh Ray Dudley by disqualification. This was just to set the plate for the eventual tag match.

Lilian has caught up with the Boss Man. He is pissed off by Al Snow and Bulldog. He’s going to skin the Bulldog and Snow. Lilian is terrified.

Test is our next in-arena visitor alongside Stephanie McMahon. Stephanie calls for “my mom, Pat, and Gerry” and has an announcement. WWF President Linda McMahon, Gerald Brisco and Pat Patterson join us to “Real American.” At least Linda would never really end up near a person with the title of President. Steph says they’ve set the wedding date – Monday, October 11 – and invite all the fans to join in on Raw.

The music of the Mean Street Posse hits and they come out alongside Terri, who was… with them at this point? Sure. I have no recollection of that but perhaps she spent some time on the mean streets. The Posse take an “asshole” chant and Stephanie tells them that enough is enough. “Leave us alone!” “No Chance in Hell” is next and here’s Shane McMahon with a microphone of his own. Shane tells the Posse the war with Test is over and for them to leave the ring and they do. Shane apologies to Stephanie and thought he was doing the right thing. He tells Stephanie that she is her own woman now and she has his blessing. “You better always do the right thing and always treat Stephanie right.” Shane and Test shake hands and Stephanie embraces Shane. We’re having a wedding on Raw! I bet it’ll be sweet.

Kane is walking and has a blowtorch. There are no safety standards in this company.

Lilian is in the locker room with Rock and Mankind. Rock gives her the eyebrow and asks her if she has butterflies and goosebumps. “Well goosebump your ass on out of here.” Rock plans to shovel the dirt on their candy asses. The fans chant his name. He’s going to undig the dirt, turn the shovel sideways and stick it up their asses. Mankind says he gets a warm fuzzy feeling about shoveling dirt on Undertaker and Big Show before singing “Stayin’ Alive.”

WWF Title: WWF Champion Triple H (with Chyna) vs Kane

Chyna has the sledgehammer, Cole shocked by this despite Triple H telling us he was bringing it earlier. Magic The Gathering presents WWF Unforgiven! Mae Young and Fabulous Moolah are sitting at ringside. Kane has his blowtorch. Triple H and Chyna attack as the bell rings, Kane clotheslining both of them. As Kane chokes Triple H, Chyna grabs a microphone and says she can talk to X-Pac. This gives HHH the chance to hit a low blow.

Lawler says one day HHH will be sitting next to Hall of Famer Moolah and be a Hall of Famer as well. Maybe a few times! Kane slams Kane into the stairs. Kane battles back in the ring with a few clotheslines and a boot. He heads up and hits a top rope clothesline on Triple H, which is impressive. HHH kicks out at two. HHH lands a facebuster and tries for the Pedigree, Kane backdropping him. Kane chokeslams HHH, Chyna sledgehammers Kane as the referee is checking on HHH. Pedigree, pin.

Triple H pins Kane to retain the WWF Title. This wasn’t bad at all. It’s not something I have a desire to rewatch, but it didn’t feel like a waste of time.

Undertaker and Big Show come out as Triple H tries to further attack Kane, HHH running to the back with the sledgehammer. Kane stands up and stumbles around.

Ken Shamrock is searching backstage in his gear attempting to find Chris Jericho. After a break, Shamrock has found his way to the ring. He wants Jericho face-to-face. He gives Jericho ten seconds to come out. Jericho doesn’t so Shamrock heads to the back as the Y2J music finally hits. Chris Jericho is in the ring in a shark cage when the lights pop back up, Jericho taunting Shamrock as he tries to grab Jericho through the cage. “This cage is not here to protect me, this cage is here to protect you from me.” Jericho directs us to the Titantron as we see a picture of Jericho putting the Liontamer on Shamrock last week. Shamrock grabs Jericho’s bat so Jericho asks for “Harold” to raise the cage.

We go backstage to Howard Finkel arguing with Lilian Garcia about something that happened on Raw, missing the call for help. Shamrock bends bars and pulls Jericho out, hammering away on him and then suplexing the referee squad. I liked this.

During the break, Jericho and Finkel leave. Well, Jericho does and fires Finkel before speeding off.

WWF Intercontinental Champion Jeff Jarrett comes out alongside Debra and Miss Kitty. Jarrett defends the title at Unforgiven against Chyna. “I am embarrassed to be getting in the ring at Unforgiven with a woman. I was always taught that a woman’s place was in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant and I’m a firm believer in that.” And now we see why Moolah and Mae are in the crowd as he calls Moolah into the ring. She come on in, hugging Debra and Kitty and shaking Jarrett’s hand. She says she didn’t wrestle any men because the men she would kick their ass like Jarrett knows Chyna will kick his. He grabs the guitar and gives her the kabong. Mae “runs” in and he throws the figure-four on her.

Show and Undertaker are heading towards the entrance.

A film clip plays, “Val Venis in ‘Enter the Big Valbowski.” Val Venis is in bed with a pair of nunchucks and talking about Steve Blackman while sitting next to a beautiful woman. I get it, talking about Steve Blackman could be great foreplay with the right person. He tells us that in his industry, he uses weapons of pleasure. Then he and the nunchucks go under the covers in front of the woman next to him.

This is the Smack of the Night brought to you by Duke Nukem Zero Hour for Nintendo 64! Earlier tonight, Chyna sledgehammers Kane to give Triple H the win.

Buried Alive Match for the WWF World Tag Team Titles: WWF World Tag Team Champions The Rock & Mankind vs Undertaker & Mankind

Mankind dives in before his partner arrives and rightfully gets his ass kicked. Rock arrives and brawls with the Taker on the ramp. In ring, Rock tries for a People’s Elbow but is pulled back out by Taker who slugs him over the announce table. Mankind takes a Show chokeslam in the ring and Show starts carrying Mankind down the ramp. Taker swings and misses with a chair, Rock beating him down with the chair as Mankind and Show brawl towards the mount of dirt. Show chokes Mankind on the dirt as Rock climbs up and delivers some right hands. Mankind grabs a shovel and crotches Show with it, then they both clothesline Show into the grave with the shovel.

Rock and Mankind start shoveling but here’s Taker to stop Mankind. Taker tosses Mankind onto the ramp and tosses dirt in Rock’s eyes as Show climbs out of the grave. As Rock and Taker battle on the dirt, Show grabs Mankind and goes up near the entrance. Taker and Rock battle backstage, so Show grabs Mankind and tosses him all the way from the entrance onto the mount of dirt and into the grave. Impressive and, as always, crazy shit from Foley. Luckily there is a camera in the grave, and it catches Mankind reaching up with Socko and grabbing Big Show. They roll into the grave together and continue to brawl. Mankind shovels dirt on Show as we move backstage to the others brawling. HHH attacks Rock, giving Undertaker the chance to run off. Kane attacks HHH, Chyna attacks Kane with a chair that doesn’t phase him.

Back in the arena, Mankind is still shoveling. Taker sneaks up on him and as Show climbs out, Taker hits Mankind with a shovel into the grave. Mankind tries to find his way out but can’t overcome the two men. Show smothers Mankind into the dirt, Taker yells at Show to “do it” and finish the burial. Bury me softly, brother. As Show shovels, Taker leaves again and meets Rock at the entrance. HHH comes behind Show with a sledgehammer and nails him and starts the burial himself, shoveling dirt onto Mankind. This seems like a clip a very pro-WWE account would post on Twitter this week. Earl Hebner calls for the bell, so I guess the dirt has hit the level they’d like.

Big Show and Undertaker defeat Mankind and Rock by burial to become new WWF World Tag Team Champions. There’s only so much you can do with a Buried Alive match that isn’t “beat up people and throw dirt on them” and that’s what they did. Mankind’s bump was impressive.

An ambulance backs up to the gravesite as HHH continues shovelling. HHH points to Show and opens the ambulance door, Stone Cold Steve Austin popping out with middle fingers, his theme music and an attack. They fight all over the gravesite before Austin throws HHH in the ambulance and slams the door. Austin gets behind the wheel and speeds off in the ambulance. He stops it, gets out and gets into a WWF-branded semi. Austin starts it up and speeds right into the ambulance, crushing it into a dumpster several times. Triple H is dead perhaps as HHH walks off, his theme music again being played as we roll to credits.

Well, another week where everything in the world happens with few moments to breathe. Stone Cold is back, we’re doing Buried Alive matches on TV, British Bulldog wins a title and gives it away, Jeff Jarrett is smashing guitars, and Stevie Richards is a vampire. It wasn’t a bad episode and went by quickly as they all have thus far.