Five From The Vault #5

It’s time once again to dive into the WWE Vault. We’re up to 48 matches that aren’t available on Peacock in the United States, which means there are more than enough rarities for me to dig into today.

Quick note: The WWE Women’s Speed Tournament review is still in the works. Twitter – being Twitter – makes itself incredibly hard to use. I’ve got to go back and find the various tournament matches to link up here, and I’ve chosen to waste my time doing this today instead. I know at least three people in the entire world’s population are waiting patiently and I appreciate that.

If you’d like to visit the previous four visits into the Vault: onetwothreefour

9/26/2011 – WWE Dark Match: Hell in a Cell for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship – John Cena vs Alberto Del Rio vs CM Punk vs Dolph Ziggler vs Jack Swagger (link)

The recent match against Drew McIntyre was a celebrated “match of the year” Hell in a Cell appearance for CM Punk, but it was his sixth time stepping into that Cell. One of those hadn’t been seen on video until about a month ago, when it was slid into a longer video of lesser known Hell in a Cell matches.

Our video starts with Del Rio entering the ring to join a standing Swagger and Ziggler and a down on the mat Cena and Punk. Punk had just beaten Del Rio in the main event of Raw. The Cell lowered after the match, with both Punk and Cena – good guys! – attacking Roberto Rodriguez. This gave Del Rio a chance to hit them both with a chair to end the show. And now we’re here!

The three heels stomp both men on the mat as the referee calls for the starting bell, which seems like shoddy refereeing to me. Del Rio boots Cena, Ziggler chokes out Punk. Swagger and Del Rio double team Cena in the corner, then Dolph moves to Swagger to double-Irish whip Punk to the opposite corner. Ziggler whips Punk back the other way, but then Punk dives out of the way of a corner splash. Del Rio boots Punk down. Cena reverses an Irish whip on Swagger, hitting him with him running face plant before being taken down by Del Rio. The zoomy zoom camera cuts are in FULL EFFECT.

Mostly stalling here, as Punk fights out of a double team in the corner and Cena gets stuck in a headlock. Ziggler takes him down and goes for the first pin, a two count. Ziggler tries again for a two. There is just not a lot happening here. The spot-calling is also very loud with no commentary to cover it up.

Ziggler is dropped by Cena, who is then taken down by a running Swagger clothesline. Ziggler misses a corner spot again, falling to the floor. Cena hits the Moves of Doom on Del Rio, following with a Five Knuckle Shuffle. He tries for an Attitude Adjustment but Swagger wiggles out. Punk in with a GTS on Del Rio, but it hit from behind by a Zig Zag. Swaggler locks the ankle lock on Dolph, but Cena grabs him for an Attitude Adjustment and a pin to retain his title.

This was certainly a post-Raw dark match! It wasn’t particularly good and the crowd buzzed but never really got into any of the spots. **

8.26.2003 – WWE Dark Match: Mortis & Funaki vs Jack Bull & Mike Knox (link)

We still have two Mortis matches from the four-match Mortis drop, and this is as good of a place as any to check those off the list. You might ask yourself why SmackDown’s #1 announcer Funaki would be teaming with Mortis, and you can keep asking because it’s a dark match and things don’t make sense. Mike Knox would go on to be part of the ECW relaunch, mostly known as the jealous boyfriend of Kelly Kelly (she’s an exhibitionist!). He’s still kicking around today in NWA. Jack Bull made two episodes of WWE TV, losing to Maven on Heat and Orlando Jordan on Velocity. He’d be a regular part of OVW for a while, then eventually retired in 2017 if Cagematch is right (it looks a bit spotty on the rear end of his career). He also has a rather unfortunate full-back tattoo that would probably keep him off television in 2024 if he was still around.

We start this match with the end of Mortis making his entrance, the other three men in the ring. This too has the tracking numbers on the video and happened with the Velocity video screens and no commentary. Mortis starts with Knox. Mortis kicks Knox down, putting him in an armbar and tagging in Funaki. Funaki hits an armbar but Knox kicks out, punching him down. Tag to Bull, who beats on Funaki in the corner. Whip into the ropes and Funaki ducks, hitting a flying crossbody. Knox is in, regains momentum, dropping Funaki with a side suplex for a two count. We have a headlock, folks. He gets Funaki up on his shoulders, but Funaki wiggles to reverse into a weak pin. Funaki hits a hot tag to Mortis while Bull also gets tagged in. Mortis with running clothes lines and a running back elbow. Mortis drops him with a neckbreaker before taking him down with a fierce savate kick for a two, broken up by Knox. Funaki runs in and hits a DDT on Knox, who sells it beautifully. Knox rolls out and Funaki hits a flying crossbody to the outside on him. Mortis takes down Bull with a suplex and it’s an easy three.

This was entertaining in the parts that didn’t involve Jack Bull! Sorry, Jack Bull. I’m sure you’re reading this. This seemed like a little more of a Funaki spotlight than a Mortis spotlight, but a Funaki spotlight is always fun. ***

10.21.2003 – WWE Dark Match: Mortis vs John Walters (link)

This is also a Velocity-themed dark match. Walters would have a few WWE televised matches, including several losses to Hardcore Holly on Velocity and losing a handicapped match to the Big Show on SmackDown. He would be more prominent in various indies and in ROH, where he won the Pure Championship. His most recent match, last September, was actually on ROH on HonorClub in a loss to Josh Woods.

Like the others, this one has the tracking number but this one is slightly joined in progress as Walters pushes Mortis to the mat. Mortis is back up and shoves Walters’ face into the mat several times. About four times. Mortis argues with the referee, which gives Walters a chance to hit him from behind for a two count. Walters chokes Mortis against the rope with his knee, breaking it and going back to it before the ref stops it. Walters hits Mortis with a shoulder for a two before locking him into a headlock from behind for a good thirty minutes of stalling. Mortis fights out, hitting elbows before hitting John with a running neckbreaker. Mortis catches John in the corner, taking him down with a flying facedrop to the mat for a two, with John getting his foot on the rope. Mortis body slams him, goes to the second rope and misses a leg drop. John punches Mortis in the corner and tries for an Irish whip, which Mortis catches, taking John down with a Sky-High of sorts for a three count.

This was probably the weakest of the four Mortis hidden gems. **

3/29/1999 – WWF Super Astros: El Hijo del Santo & Negro Casas vs Pantera & Taka Michinoku (link)

Los Super Astros!! Super Astros was a show WWF aired for about a year in 1998-99 with lower-card talents as well as talents from Mexico and Japan. It featured the legendary Spanish announce team of Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. This was the main event of the 19th episode, which also featured El Merenguero defeating Apolo Dantes & Miguel Perez in a handicapped match. While all four competitors in today’s feature match appeared on WWE TV at some point, Taka was the one who had an extended run as a featured character.

I have a feeling my play-by-play will be lacking for this match. We start with Panera and Casas, trading flippy reversals. Ricochet would love this! Pantera with a rollup for two, an attempt at a surfboard and then a reversal. Pantera tries for a pin, which he then turns into a handstand for whatever reason, which Casa kicks him out of. Back to their feet and we’re at a standstill, both men tagging their partners in. Taka chops at Santo in the corner, whipping him in but being hit with a running knee. Taka runs right into Santo in the corner, who back body drops him out of the entire ring. Santo hits a running shoulder from the ring, almost taking himself out on the ringpost in the process. A sign in the crowd says, “Vince is on the sauce.” He’s certainly on something.

Back in the ring and Casas is tagged in. He throws Taka to his respective corner, Pantera being tagged back in. Pantera misses a flip from the top rope. They hit a sequence where they keep rolling each other over and it gets to where Pantera flips Casas right out of the ring. This is entertaining. Both men tag again. Taka beats up Santo in the corner before tagging in Pantera, who hits a straight standing powerbomb on Santo. Tag back to Taka, who kicks Santo to his corner. Casas is tagged back in, finding himself on the wrong end of a running knee drop. Taka whips Casas in, who reverses it into a clothesline. Another whip, which Casas turns into a DDT. Taka fights back, falling victim to a standing dropkick as both men tag out again.

Santo hits a hurricanrana as Pantera tags Taka back in and Casas is right behind him. Taka misses a SOARING flying spin kick as all four men are in the ring. Taka and Pantera are whipped into each other, then both men are hit with back body drops. Papi Chulo, who is ringside with Taka & Pantera, tries to interfere but accidentally kicks Pantera. Santo locks in a camel clutch and it’s a QUICK submission and we immediately fade to black.

That was fun! More Super Astros, WWE Vault uploader. I know you’re reading this. ****

2000ish – The Undertaker tours his Halloween Horror Nights house (link)

Ah yes, The Undertaker. Some of us have been very surprised by his political leanings recently, as if we haven’t seen the signs of him wearing Nine Line tees in every WWE documentary since 2004 and his penchant for thinking of Vince McMahon as a father figure. Y’all pay attention.

For those of you not in the world of theme parks… congratulations. You’re lucky, really. For those of us who live closer to Florida or California, we hear the hype of Halloween Horror Nights every year. Both coasts’ parks deck out a park every year in very adult-leaning scare zones and haunts, often based on popular IPs of the time. What more popular IP could you want than The Undertaker? I assume that’s what someone at Universal Hollywood asked themselves in 2000. At the same time though, they had a Buffy & Angel maze the same year and I would’ve paid anything for that, even not liking the gore that Halloween Horror Nights often celebrates. Yes, I am indeed a chicken.

I can’t pin down exactly what show this clip aired on, but I’m thinking Sunday Night Heat just from the all-lowercase lettering used in the intro. We start with Undertaker taking the stage at the event in his Denim Daddy look of the American Badass era, accepting the Eyegore Award for his contributions to the world of horror. Sure! Taker says he’s proud of the award and that people outside of the business appreciate what he’s brought to it. Do they? Kevin Kelly, a few pegs below Kelly Kelly on the cool scale of Kelly family members, narrates this clip as we see Mr. Badass arrive to his themed scare house on his motorcycle. Spooooky music and camera zooms show us a fake Undertaker (but not THE 1994 Fake Undertaker) in the house and a scary woman popping up out of a casket to scare us. There’s a fake Paul Bearer!

Taker calls the house a time capsule of fright and fear that shows why he’s such a dark person. Sara Undertaker, who is 1-0 in her professional wrestling career, is with Taker as he walks through the house. Taker tells us it is a replica of the house that he grew up in. Scare actors dressed as various versions of the Undertaker talk in scary voices to Taker, who just comments on their outfits and no-sells the scares. Sara is scared. There’s a Hell in a Cell room with a female version of Mankind doing creepy stuff on top of it to scare people, which is admittedly kind of wicked. Taker says it brings us back to today. “Is there any wonder why I’m sick and twisted?” Probably from the bandanas being tied too tightly.

A cool little feature worth watching once just because it’s a behind the scenes deal. ***

As we close the door to the scare house, we also close the door on another trip into the WWE Vault. There’s plenty more rarities still waiting for me to watch, so come on back next time for another five topics!