Saturday Night’s Main Event (March 1987- All Dream Matches!)

The disgusted sneer Andre the Giant shoots Hulk Hogan. Perfection.

It’s time for another “Full Show Review” as part of Dream Matches! This one is the lead-in to WrestleMania III! Featuring a battle royal, Macho Man, Ricky Steamboat, Jake Roberts & The Hart Foundation!

WWF SATURDAY NIGHT’S MAIN EVENT:
(March 14th, 1987)
* It’s the eve of WrestleMania III! Two weeks from now, Andre the Giant and Hulk Hogan wrestle for the “first” time live on PPV. Obviously a hype show for the supercard that awaits, this show features many of the performers in the top matches, even against each other. Case in point- there’s a Battle Royal featured with HOGAN AND ANDRE in it, billed as a chance to get their hands on one another before the big show! Jesus these bookers were geniuses. Okay this is Wrestling Booking 101 to give the fans just a taste of the big matches, but still. And we open with a coked-out Hulk Hogan proclaiming Andre “broke the rules!” by turning on him and tearing the crucifix from his chest, and so Hogan entered his name into the battle royal to get his hands on his “Seven-foot-five, five-hundred pound, big nasty body!”. Meanwhile, we also have “Macho Man” Randy Savage in the final match before he takes on Ricky Steamboat at the PPV, taking on longtime rival George Steele over who gets to “keep” Elizabeth! The Hart Foundation take on WM opponent Tito Santana alongside Dan Spivey! Jake Roberts takes on King Kong Bundy! And finally, Steamboat himself gets a warm-up match against the Iron Sheik!

This show is also the origin of the popular meme of Andre’s blank face suddenly opening his eyes really wide for no apparent reason- he just stares forward while Heenan cuts a promo for him (“eyes are all you’re gonna have on Andre the Giant!”, Heenan shouts, emphasizing that the Giant will have his hands all over Hogan). Miss Elizabeth voices how this is “the most terrifying night of my life”, because of Steele wins… “he gets to keep me”. Only in wrestling can slavery be made a match stipulation! Jimmy Hart and the Hart Foundation taunt how scared Tito & Spivey are gonna be, Jim & Bret getting only one line each (is Bret taking on a Spanish accent as a rib?). Meanwhile, Jake Roberts insists that Damien hasn’t eaten in over a month, so the 400-lb. King Kong Bundy will make a delightful meal. Fuck these shows’ highlight promos are great hype.

Hogan is with Mean Gene, insisting “I don’t care if there were 450 men in that battle royal- I would still have my eyes set on Andre the Giant!”. Vince McMahon & Jesse Ventura, our hosts, debate the readiness of Hogan and we’re off.

WINNER KEEPS MISS ELIZABETH:
INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE:
“MACHO MAN” RANDY SAVAGE (w/ Miss Elizabeth) vs. GEORGE “THE ANIMAL” STEELE:
* Savage, the reigning Intercontinental Champion, gave Ricky Steamboat a title shot in November and crushed his larynx with a ring bell, setting off a revenge feud, but he’d still been feuding with Steele for OVER A YEAR, dealing with his mentally-deranged opponent’s obsession with Elizabeth. We see a clip from January with Steamboat cheering on as Steele injures Savage and then scoops up Elizabeth and hauls her to the back, an act Jesse correctly describes as kidnapping, while McMahon blows it off as “at least she’s in the arms of someone who cares for her”. Babyface-centric morality strikes again!

This match hilariously has the stipulation that the winner gets to “keep” Liz, whatever that means. Who would have guessed that McMahon would bake a lack of consent from women into the stipulations of matches? Mean Gene suggests that Liz “might be more than just a manager”, causing Savage to threaten to slap him around, but insists he’s going to pin “that hairy bozo”, “and hurt him real bad!”. He adds that Gene might get his neck broken, too, for insisting Liz has to come out last. Liz is just worried someone might get hurt. George just shouts “ELIZABETH!… MANAGER!” so at least his intentions might be clean. Cleaner than Mean Gene’s, judging by the look he gives Elizabeth and then the camera as she’s walking away. Ventura is of course all over that on commentary- “Wait just a minute, McMahon- did you see that little bald-headed pervert Okerlund looking at Elizabeth when she left?”, declaring him a disgrace to the broadcasting industry.

The Animal, dumb as ever, gets distracted with Liz sits down on the giant lifeguard chair at ringside, of course eating a flying axehandle to the floor for it. Savage tries to bail with Elizabeth to tremendous boos, but Steamboat hits the aisle to chase him back- this causes Savage himself to get distracted and he gets whupped back in the ring by Steele. Savage goes into the turnbuckles and takes a blind swing (Jesse: “Woah! Macho Man so blind he almost hit Hebner- too bad he didn’t connect!”). But Steele gets distracted eating a turnbuckle and takes the high knee and flying axehandle. They tear at each other’s faces and Steele takes back over, biting and throwing turnbuckle-fluff everywhere while Ventura is going nuts over these rule violations (“he should have been disqualified for throwing that at the referee!”). He’s axehandled again trying to pull Elizabeth away from ringside and Savage smashes the giant chair over him, and this isn’t a DQ and Steele in fact gets Counted Out at (4:32). I feel like this is every Savage/Steele match. Macho celebrates, but Steele gets the last laugh by beating him up and tossing him, then carrying the IC Title around himself.

Rating: 1/2* (just a couple of moves mixed around Steele’s schtick, which is all character stuff. He’s over and Savage is hated, so the whole thing is worth more than just the in-ring, which is mostly limited to Savage being awesome)

20-MAN BATTLE ROYAL:
Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant (w/ Bobby Heenan), Hillbilly Jim, Outlaw Ron Bass, Sika, The Islanders (Haku & Tama), The Demolition (Ax & Smash), Leaping Lanny Poffo, Hercules Hernandez, “The Natural” Butch Reed, Paul Orndorff, Billy Jerk Haynes, Koko B. Ware, Nikolai Volkoff (w/ Slick), Black Jack Mulligan, The Honky Tonk Man (w/ Jimmy Hart), and The Killer Bees (B. Brian Blair & Jumping Jim Brunzell):
* And it’s the Battle Royal! This one is a mix of mostly JTTS dorks and midcarders, plus Orndorff. Demolition were VERY new at this point, only two months in- that doesn’t even look like our Smash! But apparently it is and I was wrong- he just has super short hair and his tattoo is covered by a pad, lol. Stupid video transfer and his chubbier frame confused me. Some of these dudes were on the way out- I don’t think Sika, Hillbilly & Mulligan were around longer (edit: most were, lol)- I had no idea Mulligan was even still active! My god he’s gotten fat. And Hogan is of course last and the only man with theme music, but in some great hype, Andre smugly blocks his entrance up the stairs and stares him down, then slowly backs away with a “bring it on” gesture. Hogan enters the ring, tears off his shirt while alone in one half, and then…

BLAMMO! Instead of getting Andre, Hogan’s jumped by Orndorff and the other heels, who tee off on him and make the fans WAIT for that showdown! The Heenan Family does a number on Hogan while Andre just starts decking babyfaces left and right, clearing HIS side of the ring while Hogan is pummeled to the mat, but soon Hogan fires up and wipes out all the heels, then gives Honky Tonk Man the BIG scoop and dump to the floor in a big bump! Looking totally dead, he’s carted out as big fat Sika is one-armed by Andre, and Hogan’s back to getting beats from the goons. Andre knocks Hillbilly & Bass together, then tosses his future partner Haku with ease as well, and finally HEADBUTTS Leaping Lanny Poffo, making sure to hold him there for a second to emphasize it before tossing him- in a brilliant bit of business, he does a massive blade-job on the floor, thus establishing the sheer threat of Andre (specifically, his threat to Hogan)- with ONE MOVE Andre has disabled a man. And we get a big close-up of his face streaked with blood as he’s curled up in fetal position and carted out on a stretcher- THIS sure stuck in the heads of ’80s kids.

Leaping Lanny, horribly bloodied and carted out in fetal position- give that man a RAISE.

Meanwhile, Ron Bass & Butch Reed team up on Hogan, who backdrops Bass out after ducking a fist. 6’8″ Mulligan tries the iron claw on Andre, who just swipes his hand away and dumps him with contemptuous ease. Hogan stuns Nikolai Volkoff and launches him over the top, and Andre fires out B. Brian Blair and it’s ONLY the top two guys who are eliminating anyone. And Hercules & Orndorff beat down and lift Hogan nearly over, but in amazing timing, double-whip him… right into Andre dead-center! But all we get is ONE PUNCH from Hogan, having blocked Andre’s, before the heels swarm him again- Hogan LAUNCHES Orndorff out when he gets his wind back, but that lets Andre come from behind- hair-grab headbutt! And then he TOSSES HOGAN! Makes sure to sneer big-time in the ring at Hogan, then does a fantastic little “dust-off” gesture like he ain’t shit. Hogan, SHOCKINGLY, decides to be a sore loser and has to be forced away, Andre shouting “come on!” sarcastically at him like a good heel.

Back from break with Andre dominant, but just after he catches Jim Brunzell and dumps him in mid-air, he’s off-balance and he gets swarmed- Hercules! Demolition! Koko! Jim! Haynes! They all dogpile him and Andre slowly rolls over and hits the floor! The entire ring was needed! Andre doesn’t even sell with more than annoyance, just grumpily leaving, and NOW they go into booking overdrive as Hercules does a running toss-out to Tama and Hillbilly casually dumps Ax. Smash then easily dumps Hillbilly, who throws a fit while kicking the remnants of that turnbuckle Steele ate. The Natural tries to toss WrestleMania opponent Koko, but gets countered and dropkicked out like a dumbass and we’re down to Koko, Smash, Haynes & Hercules. The heels & faces pair off as Hercules is in full “give me a PUSH!” mode lighting up Koko with this incredibly energetic assault while Smash & Haynes fight, and out goes Koko! Billy Jerk eats a double-clothesline from the heels, who beat the shit out of him, but we get the mandatory Hoist By Their Own Petard moment as they whip him off the ropes and Haynes hops over Herc’s drop-down and blasts Smash over the top! Haynes lights up Herc, but Heenan hits the apron to distract him and Billy Jerk goes for it like an idiot and gets dumped- the Mighty Hercules wins at (11:25)!

Spectacular bit of business here, with Hogan & Andre running the field and tossing out jobbers and midcarders left & right, then just after Hogan nets a big elimination here comes Andre. All we got was ONE PUNCH from Hogan and then he’s headbutted and tossed. That’s all till WrestleMania! And during the midst Andre tossed the two biggest guys (Sika & Mulligan), no-sold multiple gangs, and crippled Lanny Poffo, who left ringside in fetal position. The only funny thing is Andre still being eliminated- I guess that sends the fans home a BIT happy, because that was by far the biggest reaction all match and the crowd loved it. That let the guys loosen the load and dump each other at a quickened pace, and Hercules angles for a push by suddenly going nuts with tons of energy, beating down and launching Koko, then tricking Haynes- they’re on WrestleMania III‘s card and doing an ongoing feud.

Rating: ***1/2 (battle royals rule! Especially when there’s top guys and good booking!)

Mean Gene and a very sweaty Giant talk about the festivities, and Andre just tells the truth- “I have two things to say- It take EIGHT PERSONS to get Andre the Giant out of the ring. It take ONE GIANT to get Hulk Hogan out of the ring!”. Heenan comes in shouting about “We won!” and reiterates Andre’s point, then accuses Hogan of hiding the entire battle royal (ie. while Heenan’s goons were deliberately gang-beating him, lol). Heenan hits the mother of all go-home promos, shouting about “This man- fifteen years undefeated! This man is gonna REMAIN undefeated, and BY GOD he’s gonna be the next Heavyweight Champion of the World!”, pumping his finger at the camera with every word. Tremendous.

JAKE “THE SNAKE” ROBERTS vs. KING KONG BUNDY (w/ Bobby Heenan):
* This is just two upper-mid level guys paired up against each other. Bundy was the World Title contender at the last PPV but is taking on Hillbilly Jim and two dwarfs this time around, while Roberts is up against the Honky Tonk Man in the midcard. Jake’s in ugly red tights with a white snake design (man his chicken-legs are absolutely insane here) while Bundy’s in the usual. As both guys are getting pushed, this is obviously gonna be a non-finish.

Bundy takes an early lead by slugging away, but gets too close to the bag with Damien in it and freaks- this is always great psychology. Jake kicks free of a wristlock but then tries a TEST OF STRENGTH of all things, and that goes about as well as you’d expect. Jake is immediately in his comfort zone- just dying and flopping down to get the fans into a potential comeback. And sure enough, he gets a kneelift when Bundy puts his head down and the jab combo knocks him flat. Jake keeps on him, but Heenan actually STEALS DAMIEN and charges to the back to send Jake running after him. Somehow this isn’t a count-out and we’re back from break with Jake returning Damien to the corner, but Bundy of course whups his ass when he tries to get back in. Multiple shoulderblocks have Jake getting battered, but one too many sees him blasting the corner- Jake slugs Bundy and clotheslines him down, then goes for the bag- bizarrely, the ref tries to stop him and Jake just flagrantly knees him in the gut, setting off a DQ at (6:14). Bundy beats Jake down but misses a huge elbowdrop and actually eats the DDT and the crowd goes insane! Jake pulls out Damien, but here’s Heenan again to rescue his man, awakening Bundy who’s able to actually roll out under his own power and escape. The injured ref actually grabs Jake’s ankle to stop the en-snakening, but Jake threatens HIM with it to send the poor bastard scurrying while Ventura lectures McMahon for reveling in this abuse of the official. “I can’t believe you for one minute, wanting to see referees ABUSED in that ring– What’s BECOME of you, McMahon?”.

An interesting little match, as it’s controlled entirely by Bundy while Roberts does as little as possible, but he’s so good at that “feel sympathy for me” flop-selling that every time he scores a comeback the fans get into it. Interestingly, he keeps using strikes to stop Bundy’s grappling, Damien gets threatened repeatedly mid-match, and the post-match is the hottest part. Bundy’s actually pretty mobile at this point, bouncing around for Jake’s wimpy strikes and flat-backing off things. It’s too bad most of us remember his mid-90s comeback, lol.

Rating: ** (not bad for a 6-minute brawl)

WWF TAG TEAM TITLES:
THE HART FOUNDATION (Bret Hart & Jim Neidhart, w/ Jimmy Hart & Danny Davis) vs. TITO SANTANA & DAN SPIVEY:
* So the Harts have been Tag Champions for a couple months now, and this is their first title defense. They famously won thanks to the heel referee Danny Davis blatantly ignoring Davey-Boy Smith’s pin attempt, then fast-counting him to give the Harts the belt. Now suspended for life, Davis is one of the most hated heels in the company- brilliantly, the fans’ natural hatred of refs is now put on a WRESTLER. And smug-ass Davis comes out as the “Special Observer” for the Harts, promising to save them from “shoddy officials”. A further wrinkle is that Tito was the IC Champion until Davis refereed his match against Savage. Santana/Spivey is a new team for sure, though. Tito’s in red trunks & Spivey’s in red/white/blue ones.

Spivey does well against Neidhart from the bell, then counters their attempts at a double-team and the champs are in trouble- Spivey is coming off kinda gawky and awkward in this, though, not even positioning himself right for the pin. But Bret comes in with a cheap shot on Spivey and now the Harts are in command, trading off and double-teaming frequently (Ventura points out to watch the referee’s count, accusing Vince of not getting the rules and favoring the good guys)- Neidhart drops him neck-first on the top rope and Bret hits a backbreaker & slingshotsAnvil onto him for two. Repeating dirty tactics bring in Tito, of course allowing another double-team and Bret hits his 2nd-rope elbow for two- Spivey pushes his way through a front facelock (great technique by the Hitman, leaning WAY forward but arching his back to show how he’s being pushed) but Anvil takes the ref to hide Tito’s tag and they’re back on… but Bret knees Neidhart and they’re both down! Tito gets the hot tag and wipes out Bret, forcing the Bret Bump, then forearms Neidhart… and pops the fans by busting on DANNY DAVIS when he hits the apron, too! The flying forearm hits and Tito wastes time building his SmackDown! meter to the disapproval of Jesse, but slaps on his Figure-Four Leglock and Bret’s screwed… but Neidhart distracts the ref & Spivey, and in comes Davis with the megaphone, clobbering Tito for the cheap win at (5:31). Ohhhhh, screw YOU, Danny Davis. I can’t wait to see Davey-Boy destroy you at WrestleMania.

A fairly quick, simple match, using the traditional formula- the Harts’ offense was tremendous, and Spivey was okay in his job (though didn’t really sell big or particular well- hard to use a 6’5″ guy as Ricky Morton), and the finish was great- it puts the heat on Davis and makes it clear the Harts are dirty, rotten cheaters leading to WrestleMania.

Rating: ** (a basic filler TV match where one guy is barely in it but gets a hot ending sequence)

RICKY “THE DRAGON” STEAMBOAT vs. THE IRON SHEIK (w/ Slick):
* The Iron Sheik was fading as an act by this point, but here he is against Ricky Steamboat, going to WrestleMania as Savage’s IC Title challenger! Ricky talks about his crushed larynx, Mean Gene doubtful it’s 100%, and the Dragon admits that he knows every wrestler he faces will be aiming for his throat (giving a lot of matches good psychology), but says he’s still spitting fire. And before this one can get underway, MACHO MAN comes out to distract him, and the Sheik of course jumps him like a huge asshole. McMahon is of course outraged, which has Jesse apoplectic considering how DELIGHTED Vince was at Ricky doing the same shit to Savage earlier. I love how Jesse ALWAYS rebutted this, and was nearly always correct, haha.

We’re mostly distracted by Savage’s shenanigans as he joins commentary and disses Steamboat’s chances, but Ricky soon skins the cat back in and backdrop suplexes the Sheik and beats his ass. Sheik flails around and appears to literally plead with Ricky, but heads outside from a hold and busts Steamboat into the ring steps, but starts showboating as Savage is all over every Sheik mistake and indicates he wouldn’t make the same ones (“The Sheik is a great wrestler, but he’s not on the level of the Macho Man- yeah!”). Ricky gets brought in the hard way, but easily makes his own comeback (Sheik selling really badly, being way too stiff and immobile) and hiptosses out of an abdominal stretch and finishes with the Flying Chop at (3:27). Yup- beaten like a jobber. I notice most of these SNMEs end with a triumphant babyface beating a bottom-tier heel. But Steamboat wants Savage, and has to be kept from charging the commentary booth while Savage waves a chair around!

Sheiky Baby was DEFINITELY on the way out if he’s being wrecked in 3:27 while getting little serious offense. He was okay in the opening minutes but stiffened up by the end and ate a three-move comeback like a jobber.

Rating: * (solid basic “sorta competitive” mini-match- not much to it but a good show-ender)

Mean Gene now does an interview with an aggrieved Hogan, who of course takes issue with an attack from behind (lol- why not argue about Heenan’s goons jumping him? At least that one’s legitimate!) and now wonders if 15 years of good behavior “was it all just a lie? Every time you had your hand raised, did you CHEAT?”. Hogan cuts this great impassioned promo about betrayal, being stabbed in the back, “the big man upstairs” and how the brief lockup in the match gives him all the anger he’ll need for their clash in two weeks, but of course starts giving the worst acting performance with super-goofy faces (like a cartoonish frown and buggy eyes- must be the coke) at the end of it, haha. He was SO CLOSE! But ya know, he was somewhat of a draw back in this day.

Finally, it’s Mean Gene with a retiring “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, who is going to Hollywood. He thanks the wrestling business for keeping him out of jail as a kid, points out the hate and accolades he’s achieved, says the WWF was the best thing that ever happened to him. No wonder he did better at acting than most wrestlers- he’s half-manic but can also seem very calm, genuine and humble. They air a clip of “greatest hits”, interestingly showing heel stuff as well as babyface stuff, then hilariously ending with him getting viciously beat down on Piper’s Pit by Adrian Adonis & Bob Orton (getting his face painted and everything), but then show him destroy the Flower Shop set with manic glee. And with that, we’re out!

It can’t be overstated how great the booking was during this period- just this show in particular was outstanding. I mean, this show establishes several things:

* Macho Man is a controlling, nasty jerk to Elizabeth and deserves what’s coming to him. George is a harmless weirdo and Savage was crafty and unfair- thank goodness Steamboat can give him some comeuppance! Hopefully their match at WrestleMania is good, and George can get one last laugh!

* Bobby Heenan is an asset. He’s directly involved in two matches, and has his man win one of them. He’s dishonest and a huge asshole, and will cheat to give his guys any advantage.

* Hulk Hogan might have HAD Andre, but he’s been spoiled by the other heels! God, can’t you just wait to WrestleMania III to see him finally get his hands on that big, nasty Giant?

* Andre is god damn TERRIFYING- hauling out opponent after opponent in that battle royal, throwing out 6’8″ Blackjack Mulligan like a child, then executing Leaping Lanny and leaving him being carted out. Then one-shotting HOGAN. The threat to the World Title is just immense and has never been greater.

* Hercules is a man to watch. He won the Battle Royal! And Billy Jack Haynes has a grievance with him, now.

* Danny Davis is a piece of human garbage and deserves to die. Look at that stupid referee-striped outfit! And he CHEATED to let the Harts win! God, can you just not wait until WrestleMania to see this asshole get his comeuppance at the hands of the three babyfaces he’s screwed, one just on this very show?

* Ricky Steamboat is fine after having his larynx crushed, and is out for blood!

* Roddy Piper has had a hell of a career, and this is gonna be his last hurrah (TOTALLY AND FOR REAL!).

So all in all the show is SOMEWHAT light on “great matches” save for a hot battle royal, but the booking here is remarkable- everything but Jake/Bundy sets up WrestleMania III directly in its four most notable matches. Hell, I’m so psyched on it I’m gonna make it next week’s Dream Matches review!