The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 02.04.00
I’m honestly shocked that this show has turned into a relatively big hit on the blog like it has.
Taped from Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel “Deport that kid from Cuba, in fact send them all back en masse, furthermore take the entire country and shove it right up Castro’s ass” Gertner. This once again triggers Cyrus at the Office, who threatens to deport Joel to Rockin’ Bowl commentary because he’s got heat with THE NETWORK. And you don’t want heat with the Network. Also Cyrus points out that when he was promoting his own show, IN CANADA, you never got stuff like that. But then RVD wanders in through the background and gets into a dressing room brawl with Mike Awesome, while Spike Dudley pops in and hits Jeff Jones with an Acid Drop through a table. Cyrus: “The Network TNN will not tolerate this sort of violence! Now roll that open!”
OK, a couple of things to unpack here while we watch the 10 minute ECW opening theme. First up, the Cuba references were a very topical deal at the time, now lost to history, with a refugee kid named Elian Gonzalez, which was a sore spot for Florida but I don’t even remember the details anymore. Sadly, now the entire discourse in a post “Build the wall” world would be even more distasteful than we got here.
Meanwhile, Father Jim Mitchell shows up in ECW and acts as a sounding board for Raven’s brooding, but Paul Heyman bursts in and tells him to “get the fuck out of here”. Paul: “This guy isn’t even a real priest!” Heyman has had enough of Raven’s nonsense and tells him to snap out of it already, but Raven whines about Paul never helping him when he needed it and how he’s ready to go down the wrong path again.
Steve Corino & THE COOKIE MONSTER Rhino v. Dusty Rhodes & Tommy Dreamer
The weird retroactive continuity about Dusty “innovating hardcore” continues, with Dusty making himself the biggest babyface in ECW by manipulating the very people who spent years criticizing everything he stood for. Dreamer wants to start with Corino, but Steve demands that he tag in Dusty instead, or else face the wrath of Rhino. So Dreamer gives in and Dusty starts, offering Corino a free shot. So Corino grabs a headlock and then runs away. Dream takes Rhino down with a figure-four, which looks ridiculous, and we get triple figure-fours, with Francine and Victory getting involved for a wacky 70s comedy spot while the crowd chants “ECW”. The lack of self-awareness is breathtaking here. And they fight into the crowd as Corino is immediately bleeding faster than Jon Moxley. Dusty beats on him in the ring and the faces double-team him. Dreamer with a bionic elbow and they fight to the floor again, but of course Tommy gets hit in the nuts and the heels take over. Rhino with a spear in the corner and he chokes away on the ropes and then goes up with a flying splash for two. Suplex gets two. Rhino goes up and Dreamer is the one doing the crotching this time, and it’s hot tag Dusty. We get stereo punches in the corner, but Rhino gores Dreamer and then dodges the bionic elbow from Dusty and takes him out as well. So Dreamer grabs a chair and beats on Rhino with that, while Dusty makes another comeback and drops the elbow on Corino to pin him at 8:38. This was not exactly a thrill ride, and the subdued reaction for Dusty’s comebacks shows that the water was already out of the pool for that one. *
Meanwhile, the Impact Players hang out in a pool, and they want to defend the titles, but there’s no good teams for them. Storm tells Dawn that the top manager in ECW gets naked, so Jason jumps up and pulls off his towel. I’d call this the low point of the show.
Meanwhile, Danny Doring and Roadkill talk about all the money and fame they’ll get when they’re tag team champions. Ironically they did win the titles, but at the very end of the promotion, and then they disappeared from the business. And then Elektra grabs him by the junk and Roadkill likes chickens. Correction, THIS was the low point of the show. Even with two decades of hindsight I still don’t “get” the act with these guys. It was just a bunch of stuff thrown together.
Meanwhile, Mikey Whipwreck is kind of losing his grip.
ECW World TV title: Rob Van Dam v. Mikey Whipwreck
Joey rants about how World champions in the OTHER PROMOTIONS are too short-lived these days and the titles change hands every 24 hours, unlike RVD. Hey, Jo-Jo, do you not remember a month ago when YOUR OWN WORLD TITLE changed hands twice in a week to try and pop a rating? Mikey hits a pescado to start and then tosses Rob back in for a flying clothesline that gets two. Rob uses the chair to send Mikey into the corner, however, and Mikey bails to think it over. Rob superkicks him into the front row while Joey teases a Living Dangerously PPV main event of RVD & Spike Dudley v. Mike Awesome & Sabu. Yeah that totally didn’t happen. In fact the entire show was a bizarre mish-mash of last minute changes from what I remember. Rob guillotines Mikey on the railing and back in for his usual stuff, but Mikey suplexes him onto a chair for two. The match isn’t getting any momentum because Rob stops to play to the crowd after every move. Mikey with a Pedigree on the chair for two, but Rob hits him with the Van Daminator and finishes him with the frog splash at 7:50. I mean, in retrospect this would have been the best place to switch the title onto someone, because I don’t think they got another chance after and I think this was his last match as champion. This was a pretty lazy RVD match. **1/4
Meanwhile, Mike Awesome takes Jeff Jones to the ambulance and promises to break the backs of the babyfaces in retribution. And then we head back to the arena and Rob celebrates while Joey keeps talking about Rob has been champion for 22 months and is unlikely to ever lose it.
BREAKING NEWS: Rob Van Dam has suffered a broken leg in Orlando and cannot defend the title. Come on, that’s kind of funny on some level.
So this was a rough week for ECW, with RVD suddenly breaking his leg, and Sabu jumping to WCW right after this show for a rumored $500,000 a year contract but then never making it there either. Kind of a shitty show to kick off a really bad period for ECW, which unfortunately coincided with the slow death of the promotion over the next year.