Oh, there’s a pigging story with this one!
You may remember I started on this voyage a month ago, to recap the year of WCW where they lost their perennial biggest star, Ric Flair. OK, a month out of sync, with reviewing January episodes in December, but I had a few reviews in the bag.
Then Scott had the problems with the site, and much like Maffew’s UWF review this one disappeared too. Was going to knock it on the head as fate, but I can’t have the Rapmaster as my avatar for nothing, so let’s keep on going until we can’t.
As a reminder, the rating system is Because WCW (shit) and The Greatest… (good).
Hosted by Jim Ross in front of a green screen, joined later by Paul E Dangerously and Missy Hyatt. And we’re still not past the Clash!
Ricky Morton vs. Rip Rogers
Rip does look like the kind of guy who would stick his hand down a crappy toilet for money. Not sure if I said it before, but Jim Ross rambling to himself is the worst kind of Jim Ross, other than the pervy one or the one who drowned puppies for his dad. He also manages to give away the results of an upcoming tournament within two sentences: “A lot of people are talking about the trio of JYD, Ricky Morton and Tommy Rich. Also, there’s going to be a tournament for the vacant six man tag team championship.” – thanks, Boomer(!). Some shade thrown at Rogers after looking at his pink gear and pigtails: “He’s got a very bizarre personality, I assume.” – well, that’s where you make an ass out of you and me. Rip gets an atomic drop and a powerslam, then half a hip toss and half a belly-to-belly, but Ricky reverses a suplex and rolls up Rip for the pinfall. The epitome of background noise in visual form. Because WCW.
Recap of Paul E trying to stir up shit between friends Terry Taylor and Ricky Morton ahead of their Clash match. The irony being one would turn and then the other would turn too! Paul E speaks to Ricky after the match, where he vents about being in limbo. Terry then comes out and tells off Paul but subtly foreshadows his turn: “When the ref says protect yourself, I don’t need to worry about any cheap shots from you”.
Sid Vicious vs. Greg Sawyer
Thank the lord, Paul E has joined Jim on commentary, improving it massively immediately. Big boot, cool flying shoulderblock into the camera corner, then a dangerous powerbomb where he almost loses Sawyer and drops him coming down for the win. I love big Sid, but not when he’s almost crippling people. Because WCW.
Wrestling Wrap-Up with Gordon Solie, previewing the upcoming Flair/Scott Steiner match. Naitch mouthed off to the Steiners after regaining the belt in New Jersey, with Brian Pillman making a “Diamonds are forever, Ric Flair – NEVER!” cameo. Barry Windham’s round shades he wears while backing up Flair look stupid on him. The issues worsened in the eight man tag, and promos follow.
Tim Horner vs. Sheik Ali Shikar
Yawning already. Shikar’s got the turban and robe, then looks like a smaller Al Perez in silver boots and workout trousers once he’s dressed down. Paul E is bitching about the return of Dusty Rhodes and getting his hands full with Missy Hyatt (“Like most of the men in America! Ha!”). Horner blocks an atomic drop and gets an O’Connor roll for the pinfall. Only entertaining for Paul E dubbing Shikar the “wacky Iraqi”. Because WCW
Interview with Michael Wall Street and Alexandra York, who wishes Missy Hyatt luck in that bizarre bit of tweening on her part. I guess it shows how much of a jerk everyone thought Paul was.
Michael Wall Street vs. Scott Allen
Jim starts moving the heat from Michael to York, as Rotunda had left WCW to go to the WWF since the last episode, even calling him a puppet. Prediction of six minutes to beat Allen, which should be accurate as long as we don’t get any abdominal stretches. Paul E is more pissed off that “this broad” has shown up his mobile phone with a laptop. No abdominal stretches so far, just minutes of working the leg, which goes nowhere as he finishes with the Stock Market Crash. Because WCW.
Doom vs. Mike Samples and Mike Hart
More interesting here, as there’s a subtle division beginning between Simmons and Reed, with emphasis on Ron just wanting to win and Reed wanting to hurt people. Hacksaw beats up Samples with suplexes and piledrives him several times before the referee calls the match with Samples being able to defend himself. Not a great match, but decent little angle. They of course fucked it up by getting triggerhappy and having about three different splits recorded between them before it finally happened at WrestleWar. Because WCW.
Interview with Doom and Teddy, with Ron more into winning the match first and worrying about where they’re partying second.
Flyin’ Brian vs. Cajun Predator
Despite the interesting name, Predator is just a balding jobber in black trunks and white boots. His timing is terrible, being both early and late walking into shots. Paul E brings the laughs by talking about how Butch Reed makes three quarters of a million dollars as tag team champion. I doubt he made a quarter of that at this time. Bad shots in the corner from Predator, again being late for a rebound dropkick, then falling to Air Pillman for the pinfall. Bless Brian! Because WCW.
Fabulous Freebirds vs. David Isley and John Faulkner
Michael gets the left on Isley, prompting Jimmy Jam and Faulkner to tag in. “Hang in there, baby!” shouts Isley as the Birds pummel him. Like you were doing better, bud. Garvin finishes with the DDT, eventually. Because WCW.
Scott Steiner vs. John Peterson
As muscular as he is at this point, 270 lbs sounds excessive for Scott at this point. Maybe in 1998. According to Paul E, Scott did beat Ric Flair one time in 1990, and when has he ever been known to lie. German suplex and elbowdrops for Peterson, followed by a belly-to-belly off the second rope and finally the Frankensteiner for the win. Scott just looked phenomenal at this time. The Greatest…
Actually, HE DID!
The Royal Family vs. Keith Hart and Larry Santo
Santo’s orange tights make him look like he’s bottom half naked on the deteriorated quality of the video. Who was booking Morgan and Victory in 1991 and thinking they were getting something worth paying for? Because WCW. Jacko does get a nice flying clothesline at one point and Hart flies up into the lights on a backdrop for him. Paul E talks about Jack bulking up, and anyone who knows him knows it all goes on the hips. Arm abuse, with “Boring!” chants during a squash, before Santo tags back in and misses a dropkick. The Royals take the hint and finish with the double gourdbuster. Because WCW.
Interview with Sting and Lex Luger. Paul E tries to encourage boos and throwing stuff at them, which doesn’t happen. Neither guy has much to say, admittedly, so they just pose and walk off. That was pointless.
Recap of the Paul E/Missy feud, because that’s worth more focus than a world championship match. It does at least give us footage of Missy working out, with mandatory chest shots.
Arn Anderson and Barry Windham vs. Carl Robertson and Rick Ford
Arn gets a quick back suplex on one jobber and pounds away. Paul E alleges that Bob Caudle’s absence is due to hooking up with Missy and having a heart attack. When Jim denies that, he settles on him being in the Betty Ford Clinic. Strangely, Bob is actually still alive in 2022. Barry brings in Robertson and allows Arn to casually rough him up. “Say goodnight!” says Barry before finishing with the superplex. Good squash from the Horsemen, who soon will be back in a decent role once they’re done with the dumpy Native Americans.
Special video in black and white of Arn and Barry smashing cars in a junkyard, reflecting on the opulent eighties compared to the gritty nineties. I think I hear them knocking and I think they’re coming in.
Recap of Beautiful Bobby’s sneak attack on Tom Zenk last week, followed by a Z-Man promo. “You’re gonna get beaten, Eaton!”, he says, smugly. Kinda surprised he never had a heel run given his dickish demeanour, as confirmed by his Meltzer appearances years later.
Beautiful Bobby vs. Brett Wayne
If Sawyer and his brother weren’t so short they wouldn’t look so bad when the coke weight piled on. JR manages to annoy Paul E by comparing him to Jim Cornette (a loudmouth) and James Dean (short-lived). Paul E takes the short part as also a comparison to Lord Littlebrook. Brett actually gets Bobby in a proto-Regal Stretch before he breaks it. Next on the comparison list: Harvey Fierstein, because he’s Jewish, obviously. Never heard Paul’s manliness brought into question ever(!). Beautiful rebound clothesline from Bobby. Jim discusses how the Clash was originally scheduled to be held from the CNN Center, but has been relocated due to security concerns. Can’t imagine the WWF trying to sell a bullshit line like that! After JR repeats a comment from Bobby about how he’s a more popular Alabama native than Bear Bryant, Paul E tries a dad joke out: “What would Bear Bryant be saying if he were alive today? ‘Let me out of this coffin!'”. I laughed. Brett gets a nice backdrop, but Bobby Snake Eyes him onto the top turnbuckle and drops the Alabama Jam from the top rope. He didn’t even jump, he just dropped on that one. Pretty decent with Bobby and Brett gelling well together plus JR and Paul E getting into sniping mode with one another, which is always entertaining. The Greatest…
The Renegade Warriors vs. The State Patrol
Didn’t really need this “main event” that badly. Arn and Barry pop in for an insert promo where they (well, Barry) says they’re coming out to beat up the Warriors in the interview segment after the match. The Youngblood with the vest misses a charge to bless the corrupt cops (but not us) with a heel heat segment. Parker hits knees on a splash and no-vest Indian comes in for the cold tag. Everyone loses their place and the Renegade Warriors get a double chop for the pinfall. Because WCW.
And, as promised, the Horsemen show up to show up “Not-a-home-a” and “Chief Running Dummy”. Of note, they’re back in their wrestling gear after being in civvies in the insert. The fight is on as the show runs out of time.
Melting it down: Ah, wasn’t feeling this at all (obviously), but hopefully it’ll pick up once the Clash is in the bag and we’re on the road to WrestleWar.