WCW Worldwide: December 1, 1996

Ever since the death of WCW Prime, and with it the legacy of the great Johnny B Badd, I have felt alone. But a new love has quickly emerged; courtesy of Bobby Heenan who could not give less of a crap about the program he’s talking about. And no, I don’t mean Nitro, which is the ultimate volatile stock market, but the ever steady Worldwide. And what big stars are upon us tonight? Well, no less than the best, such as Jim Duggan, Disco Inferno, and Alex Wright.

Our hosts are the aforementioned “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN, and TONY SCHIAVONE.

With the arrival of this newcomer, John Peterson, also comes the return of one NICK PATRICK to the ring. Peterson attacks before the bell, and Patrick lets it go. Your newest nWo member?

It might seem unlikely that the nWo comes recruiting on Worldwide, but ultimately, every single WCW wrestler on the roster has been told they have 30 days to make a choice, and any time you can sign the love-child of Arn Anderson and Kendall Windham, you have to do it. Granted, he’s not very good, losing to a clothesline in 1:39, but maybe Vincent needs a bitch. DUD

With the nWo firmly in control, it looks like we’re back to a steady stream of NICK PATRICK being the assigned official to every single match, important or meaningless. Not that I would ever doubt the importance of Bobby Eaton picking up a much unneeded win (whoops, spoiler), but I don’t think it would kill them to send out Scott Dickenson to pick up a little ring experience here. Bobby hits a swinging neckbreaker, which sets up the Alabama Jam for the easy peasy win at 2:20. 1/2*

Backstage (we have a backstage on this show?!?), LEE MARSHALL is with ARN ANDERSON. Arn gives us the world view of the Horsemen; Flair’s out and done. Anderson’s lost his will. Benoit is coming along, but isn’t there. The assessment? The Horsemen are done. Arn says that’s fantasy island, because Mongo’s a 12 time all pro, Benoit’s wrestled in Japan for years, Flair’s a 13-time champion and has been hurt plenty before, and he’s back. Anyone who thinks they’re dead and gone has already lost.

For a 3rd consecutive match, NICK PATRICK works. Heenan and Tony start talking about the Christmas season, with Tony gloating he got nothing for Bobby. Bobby, hurt, tells Tony he picked up one of the new James Bond style BMW’s for him. Tony calls him a liar, so Bobby, angry, tells Tony he’s returning it. Wright messes up Disco’s hair. Bobby: “Who cares? You can comb it later! Break his hands now!” Then bloody Tony defends Disco, saying it’s his trademark and he has a right to be upset, like Bobby when someone calls him a weasel. Heenan denies ever getting mad about that, because “I’m not a weasel. Being a weasel doesn’t get me upset. I don’t have claws, I don’t have a tail, I don’t hop around into the chicken coops at night and then … no, I’m not! It doesn’t upset me.” Tony: “Ok, weasel.” Heenan: “Why would you call me that? I didn’t do anything wrong.” I would have preferred if he’d just punched Schiavone in the mouth. Wright runs through his usual offense, which has been completely exposed with the influx of lucha talent over the last 6 months. Disco comes back with a slam of the head into the buckle, hits a swinging neckbreaker, and dances while Bobby counts to 13 to prove he’s a timewaster. A back elbow leads to a swim, followed by a boogie break. Wright quickly comes back with a belly to belly, and finishes with the German suplex at 4:21. *

Heenan just tees off on a fat woman in the crowd during the entrances while she flashes dual 4’s for Benoit. “8 more donuts! Nice dress if you’re going to a luau and you have apples in your mouth. Does poi mean anything to you sweetheart? They arrested that woman once for impersonating a piñata.” Tony’s pleas to make him stop go completely ignored. God bless the pre-social media anti-bullying era. He moves on to trash talking Steiner, and Tony asks him if he’d ever say any of this to his face? Heenan admits he would, and would even slap him around while he’s at it. Tony offers him $5 to do it immediately, but Heenan, despite being intrigued by the cash offer, refuses because he made a vow to the producers he’d never leave his chair, due to his ability to enhance the product like nobody else. Steiner tosses Benoit around, so he quickly takes a powder to re-evaluate. Tony has enough of Bobby calling Steiner stupid, to which Heenan replies: “Would you let him do your taxes?” Tony (sputtering): “Well … no, but I wouldn’t let Benoit do them either!” Heenan promptly offers to do them for a small fee. A big right hand sends Benoit back to the floor again, where he complains that Rick’s using closed fists. The referee, quick to correct this measure, politely asks Rick if he’s being using closed fists? He says no, which is enough for the referee to inform Chris his investigation is complete, and no penalties will be incurred. Benoit heads back in to a potentially dangerous situation, but quickly cradles Steiner for 2. Rick fires back with a release German suplex, dropping Benoit on the back of his head – yikes! Overhead belly to belly follow suit! Heenan: “I haven’t seen hurling like this since I had dinner at your house!” Benoit manages a short arm clothesline, but misses the swandive. Rick explodes with a clothesline, and scores the pin at 5:36. I really want to question why the hell Benoit’s losing matches cleanly on Worldwide … but then I remember nobody actually watched this show, so it probably doesn’t matter. **

Returning to this mysterious “backstage”, LEE MARSHALL invites THE NASTY BOYS in, to find out where they stand. Personally, I’m hoping they stand anywhere other than in a WCW ring, but apparently 1997 is going to be “Nothing but Nasty”. Yeah, don’t expect me to hang around for 1997 in that case. Lee channels his inner Mean Gene, reminding them they were cozying up to Hogan as recently as a couple of weeks ago, donning nWo colors. Knobbs threatens to knock out his teeth, before admitting he made a mistake but they’ve learned from it. Learned what, exactly?

NICK PATRICK fulfills our 80% Nick Patrick quota by working here. Much as I can’t believe I’m saying it, the most unfortunate part of Roddy Piper’s WCW arrival is that it’s costing Lex Luger his rightful place in the Starrcade main event. It’s almost unbelievable that Luger, barely garnering any interest from either company as recently as a year earlier, is very likely the hottest babyface in the game for either major company right now. Booked into a corner, however, WCW is in a tough spot – because they’re also amerced with the best heel in the world, and neither can afford to lose, so maybe it’s best for the Great Choker to stay away from Hogan for the immediate future. Powers tries to show off his great physique, but that’s like Kofi Kingston trying to show off his incredible height while standing next to Khali. Luger flattens him with a series of clotheslines. Heenan starts ranting about Hogan, ending with “he is the only man walking the face of the planet that I can honestly say I hate! … well, and Okerlund.” Tony: “Anyone else?” Heenan: “No! Well, and Cruise. That’s not the point, because … well, I never liked Dusty either. So, Luger … no, I don’t like him. You know, Tony, I don’t like you either. Give me 5 bucks.” Tony: “No!” Heenan: “Now make it 10, I don’t like you for not giving me 5 bucks.” Luger works a chinlock because apparently Powers is the face tonight? Was this taped in late 1995? Luger drops an elbow, as the fans try to will Powers to his feet. Powers comes back with a sunset flip, but Luger kicks out at 2. Luger comes back with a backbreaker, scoring 2. A running forearm gets 2, and the canned heat really starts getting worked up. Luger remains on offense, until finally Powers comes back with a running knee and dropkick for 2. He misses an avalanche, allowing Lex to Rack Powers for the win at 8:53. Wow, that was long. The fans throw their hands in the air, looking thrilled, appearing to celebrate, and allegedly booing like crazy. Who edited this? DUD

Next week: Akira Hokuto! M Wallstreet! Luchadores! I have no idea how the NFL ratings are expecting to compete with that. And with that, Tony signs us off.