The SmarK Rant for WWF Wrestlemania VIII – 04.05.92

The SmarK Rant for WWF Wrestlemania VIII – 04.05.92

This one was due for another look, given the buildup in the Superstars 92 rants. I’m using the PPV version for this one to avoid music nonsense or whatever editing the WWE Network and Peacock did.

Live from the Hoosierdome in Indianapolis, IN, drawing somewhere between 50 – 62,000 people, although exact paid numbers were kind of hard to figure at the time. They claimed over 72,000 anyway. Buyrate was also down from 1991. Still an impressive looking stadium setting.

Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Bobby Heenan

Tito Santana v. Shawn Michaels

This was originally supposed to be Marty Jannetty in a battle of the Rockers, but of course he messed up yet again and got fired. Kind of crazy how Sherri was crazy hot back in the day but deliberately made herself up like a clown for heel heat because she was so dedicated to the character, and the announcers had to pretend like she wasn’t crazy hot. Shawn slugs away on the ropes, but Tito clotheslines him to the floor and Shawn regroups with Sherri. Tito drags him back in the ring with a headlock and works on that, slugging Shawn down before grabbing another headlock. Gorilla is as usual dubious of any pinning attempts with a side headlock, and Tito gets a small package for two before going back to the headlock. Bobby notes that he was so dangerous as a wrestler that he not only routinely pinned people with headlocks, he even had a guy give up during the referee’s instructions! So that basically disproves Gorilla’s point right there. Shawn sends him to the floor to escape the headlock and puts the boots to him on the apron, and back in for a backbreaker that gets two. Shawn with the chinlock and Tito fights out of that, so Shawn puts him down with the superkick, but can’t hit the teardrop suplex. Tito fights back with the flying forearm and Shawn bumps to the floor, but Tito brings him back in for a slingshot shoulderblock before slugging away on him again. Kneelift sends Shawn into the corner and he goes for the finish with EL PASA DEL MORTE, but Shawn bumps to the floor again and then reverses a slam attempt on the way in, for the pin at 10:30. I think Sherri was supposed to hook Tito’s leg or something, but it was just a clean win. Shawn had some good bumps but this was pretty disappointing. **

Mean Gene is joined by the returning Legion of Doom, who I didn’t even know were “gone” at the time. In reality Hawk had been suspended since February but the Money Inc stuff didn’t make TV until March so people just watching on TV had no real perspective on it. Anyway, Paul Ellering debuts as their manager here, swearing revenge on Jimmy Hart for reasons that are still not clear to me all these years later. And this was a very long promo that had no particular point to it and basically led to nothing. But at least it can’t get any WORSE for them, AM I RIGHT?

Meanwhile, Jake Roberts addresses rumors that he’s bringing a snake to the ring tonight, but denies any wrongdoing.

Undertaker v. Jake Roberts

Despite a few weeks of uncertainty at the TV tapings, the Undertaker’s entrance theme is now a solid babyface pop from the crowd. Jake uses fancy footwork and slugs away on Taker, which proves to be a bad idea, as a clothesline puts Taker on the floor and just annoys him further. Taker runs Jake into the post, but Jake catches him with a kneelift on the way in and continues trying to figure out a way to take him down. Taker just chokes him out in the corner and then drops an elbow on him. Taker with the flying clothesline, but Jake hits him with the DDT out of nowhere and then can’t make the cover. Taker sits up anyway, so Jake gives him a short arm clothesline and Taker sits up again. So Jake hits him with another DDT, and Taker sits up again while Jake goes after Paul Bearer for some reason. This proves to be an incredibly bad idea, as Taker hits him from behind, tombstones him on the floor, and then rolls him back in and pins him at 6:40 to send him off to WCW with a big fat contract from Jim Herd that will surely allow him to be happy and set for life! ½*

Intercontinental title: Rowdy Roddy Piper v. Bret Hart

The pre-match promo here is great of course, with Piper gently needling Bret one last time before the match as Bret takes himself deadly seriously. Considering he lost the belt to a guy dressed like a Mountie, maybe he should lighten up a bit. Piper takes him down with an armdrag while Bobby confirms what’s most important in his life: THE GREEN! THE MONEY! THE LETTUCE! THE SIMOLEANS! THE LEGAL TENDER! Glad we cleared that up. Piper takes him down with a ride and Bret sends him to the floor to escape, which has Piper ready to fight instead of wrestling. So they do the test of strength and Bret goes to the arm and takes him down to work on that, but he dropkicks Piper and hurts his own arm in the process. It’s so bad that the match might be over, but he was ACTING! Small package gets two and Piper is really pissed about that for some reason, as though he, himself an ACTOR, is above those kinds of shenanigans. Also cool because Bret pulled out that trick 3 years later and Diesel was too stupid to realize that he was faking, and cost him the WWF title. They tumble to the floor and then Piper decides to quit messing around and attacks Bret, slugging away in the corner and ramming him into the buckle before hitting him with the bulldog for two. Bret famously gets his “hardway” cut at this point, as he was “accidentally” busted open and Piper gets two after working on the cut for a bit. Bret with a sunset flip for two. Piper slugs him down again for two, but Bret sends him to the floor with a running elbow to buy time. Back in the ring, they clothesline each other for a double down, but Piper goes up to the top and Bret suckers him again and brings him down for an atomic drop. Snap suplex gets two. Legsweep gets two. Bret goes for the backbreaker and Roddy blocks it, so Bret goes up with the elbow and misses, hitting Roddy’s foot. See, the mechanics of that counter actually made sense there! Usually the guy delivering the move isn’t doing anything that would warrant being anywhere near the foot of the guy on the mat. Ref is bumped off a slugfest and Piper runs him into the stairs and steals the ring bell, traditional for the IC title matches at Wrestlemania, but Bret plays dead and draws on Piper’s sympathy until he changes his mind. Bobby thinks this is a bad strategy, but Piper drops the bell and goes for the sleeper instead, which allows Bret to walk the ropes and flip him over for the cradle and the pin at 13:55 to retain the title. Still a classic, with Bret outwrestling and outthinking Piper. ****1/4

Meanwhile, we meet WBF Superstar, the Total Package Lex Luger, who is legally speaking not a wrestler in any legal sense of the world according to the WWF’s lawyers. And they know the law. Of course all know about the bodies of the Gary Strydoms and the like, just like all the kids are talking about, but Lex flexes for us to show he’s better than all of them.

Meanwhile, we take a little break and hear from the participants in the 8 man match.

Big Bossman, Sgt. Slaughter, Jim Duggan & Virgil v. The Nasty Boys, Mountie & Repo Man

Ray Combs does some very mean insult comedy about the heels, really hurtful stuff that we don’t need to repeat here because this is a classy review for families. The babyfaces clear the ring to start, but Bobby has BREAKING NEWS (RED SIREN EMOJI)

Shawn Michaels has left the building.

Back to the match, as Gorilla notes that Duggan has “one too many ho’s” for the Nasty Boys to handle. I can confirm that there likely were a lot of ho’s in the building in 1992 judging by many wrestler interviews. Knobs gets worked over in the babyface corner and Bossman slugs away, but misses a blind charge and hits the corner. Over to Repo, which was actually a feud that would have made sense for the Bossman but never happened. He’s literally dressed like a bank robber from a silent movie! Virgil comes in and gets clobbered while Gorilla no-sells a bunch of Bobby’s one-liners as the much just kinda meanders and goes nowhere. Mountie goes up and makes the fatal error of announcing his name before doing any thing, which allows Bossman to catch him with a spinebuster on the way down and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA. But the Nasties steal the faceguard, and Knobs accidentally knocks out Sags, and Virgil pns Sags at 6:37. Just a match. *

Meanwhile, Perfect prepares the giant photo of Liz that’s going up on the big screen, which sadly we never got to see despite all the promises.

WWF title: Ric Flair v. Randy Savage

First half of the double main event! They brawl in the aisle and Perfect immediately goes after Savage like a thug, but Savage fights him off and beats on Flair in the ring. Back elbow gets two. Flair backdrops him to the floor and then runs him into the railing to take over. Back in the ring, Flair puts the boots to him and a suplex gets two. To the corner and a chop gets two. They fight to the floor again and Ric runs him into the apron and slugs him down, which has Bobby very happy. Suplex back in the ring gets two. Macho comes back with a neckbreaker and it’s a double down, but Flair goes to the eyes and to the top. Unsurprisingly that goes badly for him and Savage comes back with a backdrop out of the corner and the clotheslines. Flair Flip and Savage catches him with a clothesline on the way down for two. Back to the floor and Macho follows with the double axehandle and sends him into the post to bust him open, which of course earned him a stern talking-to after the match. If there’s one person who won’t stand for moral depravity, it’s Vince McMahon! Poop? No problem. Blood? NOT ON MY SHOW, PAL. Back in the ring, Macho beats on the cut and gets another double axehandle for two. The crowd is just rabid for the near-falls, and Macho goes up for the flying elbow, which only gets two as Perfect saves and pulls Macho out of the ring before loading Flair up with knuckles. So Flair knocks Macho out and that would seemingly do it, but it only gets two, and Flair beats on him in frustration before Perfect adds a chairshot to the knee for good measure. Figure-four time, but Elizabeth comes out to help, presumably having broken the lock on her dressing room to escape. Macho reverses the figure-four, but the knee is still hurt, so Flair goes after it again and Savage gets a small package for two. Flair dedicates the beating to Liz, but stops to WOO one time too many, and Savage rolls him up to win the title at 18:00, giving us one of the all time great Finkel calls for the final culmination of the Savage-Liz storyline. I still love the match, with high stadium wrestling drama and the crowd going crazy for Macho, who finally gets to win the World title on his own merits outside of the shadow of Hulk. ****1/4. My only major criticism is that I wish Flair had started working the knee earlier in the match to really sell the drama of the figure four, but whatever, it’s still great.

Meanwhile, Sean Mooney tries to get a word with Ric Flair and it doesn’t go well for him, as Perfect and Bobby rant about Savage pulling the tights to win and Flair doubles down on his pledge to destroy Savage and Liz.

Meanwhile, new champion Randy Savage wants the whole Nature Boy, the whole Flair package! Because he somehow made Savage even madder than he already was by going after Elizabeth and now things are gonna be really bad for Flair. So Savage gives Liz the title and declares that it’s hers, and then puts up his fists and declares that those are for Flair and Perfect, OH YEAH.

INTERMISSION! I miss those.

Let’s take another look at Sid destroying people on the way to the show, and then we hear from Rick Martel, who thinks that all Indians stink and need disinfecting. Also Tatanka is scalping tickets. Well he could have made a much more rude joke based on the disinfectant line.

Tatanka v. Rick Martel

Martel slugs on Tatanka in the corner, but he comes back and chops Rick to the floor while Gorilla repeatedly rebukes Bobby Heenan by calling him a liar until Bobby threatens to leave. “Don’t jump from here, it’s a long way down!” Tatanka works the arm, but Martel takes him down and chokes him out before tossing him to the floor to take over. Back in the ring, Martel puts the boots to him while Bobby runs through his Tatanka material greatest hits, and Rick slowly goes to the top and gets brought down. Tatanka comes back with chops, but Martel catches him with a clothesline as this drags on. We lost Bulldog v. Berzerker for THIS? And then Tatanka hits a bodypress out of nowhere for the pin at 4:27. ½*

WWF tag team title: Money Inc v. The Natural Disasters

I literally forgot about this match and especially didn’t remember it being this late in the show. For reference we’re about two hours in here with four scheduled matches still to go, so obviously something was running really over time. They actually find one fan on the floor with a tiny “Natural Disasters Rule” sign to show how over the Disasters were! To be fair, maybe she was just a really big fan of tornadoes. They’re pretty cool and they made two hit movies about them, after all. Does a Sharknado count as a natural disaster, I wonder? Because there were more movies about that and it also ties in nicely with John Tenta. I’ll be seeking a government grant to investigate that shortly. Yeah this show is running out of steam and I’m on cold medication, what about it? Big brawl to start and the champs bail for a bit, and the Disasters work on Irwin in the ring. Typhoon runs him into the buckle but misses a charge, and Dibiase comes in and slugs away on Typhoon. And it goes completely sideways for a bit as someone, probably Uncle Fred, loses the plot and they have to improvise a spot where he misses a charge and hits the floor. Money Inc double-teams him and Irwin clotheslines him for two and goes to a facelock. This is supposed to be a featured title match at goddamn WRESTLEMANIA and this is the best match they could come up with? And they put the titles on these guys as a reward for stinking up the Hoosierdome? Double clothesline and it’s a quick double down, as quick as anything in this plodding shitfest can be, and Quake gets a “hot” tag to a silent crowd as they all brawl and the champs collide. Disasters hit their splashes on IRS, so Dibiase pulls him out of the ring and they walk out on the match at 8:30 to retain. This was a disaster, naturally. -*

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan’s lapdog Brutus Beefcake gets promo time for some reason, as he describes Hulk as a “giving man”. Yeah Hulk was definitely the giver in that relationship.

Owen Hart v. Skinner

Don’t know why they even bothered with this one. Skinner spits his juice in Owen’s face and slugs him down before hitting the Croc Drop or whatever the fuck his finisher was called, but it only gets two. So he tosses Owen, who skins the cat and rolls him up for the pin at 1:06 so we can get to the damn main event and end this show already. DUD

Hulk Hogan v. Sid Justice

Sid attacks and Hulk immediately chases him to the floor. I’m glad to see Sid is back in his regular black trunks and boots after months of the stupid straps. Bobby: “He’s just a human being! An annoying human being!” That’s a pretty good summation of Hulk, actually. Gorilla notes that they broke the mold and there will never be another Hulk in the history of the sport. Just ask Vince McMahon, who spent the next decade trying to find one. Hulk chases Sid to the floor a couple of times and then yells at him to come back in and fight. YOU’RE THE ONE WHO THREW HIM OUT TO THE FLOOR! Make up your damn mind! Gorilla declares that over the years, Hulk has dodged no one, which is of course a damn lie as usual. He sure dodged Rick Rude. And Jake Roberts! He was probably so threatened by Honky Tonk Man’s out of control popularity in 1986 that he forced his friend to turn heel. KIDS LOVE THE OLDIES STATIONS! We do a test of strength and Hogan cries for mercy as usual while looking to the crowd for someone to run in and save him from his own bad choices, but then realizes that he has to get out of this one himself and retreats to the corner. Sid beats on him with knees, but Hulk hits a corner clothesline and Sid no-sells it and chokeslams him, drawing a pretty significant babyface pop from a pro-Hogan casual crowd, and then stops to tell us about his favorite saying. Sid works him over and boots him to the floor for some punishment with Dr. Harvey’s black bag and then goes to a devastating neck massage in the ring. HE’S GONNA KILL HULK WITH KINDNESS! Amazingly, Hogan fights out of Sid’s chiropractic skills after taking a quick nap to recharge his aging batteries. Sid puts him down with a side slam and informs us that the powerbomb is coming up next, but it only gets two and Hulk makes the comeback. Big boot and legdrop follow, but it only gets two as they’re stalling like crazy waiting for Papa Shango to hit his cue. Sid’s kickout SHOCKED the crowd, and Dr. Harvey runs in for the DQ to improvise a finish at 13:37. And then FINALLY Papa Shango makes it down to the ring, perhaps because there was all those ho’s backstage like we talked about earlier, and they double-team Hulk until Ultimate Warrior makes the unlikely comeback and saves Hulk. And they pose together to end the show, as Hulk rides into the sunset and will surely be gone forever. DUD

Well this one was basically still as I remembered, with a thumbs up first half that went completely down the toilet after the World title match, and then an all time great ending. Would have been even better if that orange gaslighting son of a bitch had actually retired like he promised us, but you can’t have everything. Thumbs in the middle overall.