The SmarK Rant for WWF Wrestlemania 2 – 04.07.86

The Smark Rant for WWF Wrestlemania 2 – 04.07.86

Originally written 10.13.25

As promised, one last redo of this show, since the last time was 25 years ago. We’re using the PPV feed of this show, as provided by Richard Land’s Fish & Chips

PART ONE: Live from Long Island, NY, drawing 16000 for a sellout.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Susan Saint James, who was there because she was married to Dick Ebersol at the time.

Meanwhile, we hear from Roddy Piper, who has grown his hair out so we can tell the difference between him and Mr. T. Also if he loses, he’ll retire and quit tiddlywinks and dating girls. But he’ll keep Cowboy Bob Orton around. Piper also notes that he’ll never paint himself black. If only we could believe that.

Magnificent Muraco v. Paul Orndorff

Weird that they have the arena so blacked out when it’s full. They trade headlocks to start and Muraco gets a slam, but so does Orndorff and they’re at an impasse. Orndorff backdrops him out of the corner and takes him down with an armbar as Vince clarifies that it’s “not a physique contest, it’s out and out wrestling”. Good to know. Muraco tries to whip him into the corner, but Orndorff holds the arm, so Muraco escapes with a samoan drop. They slug it out in the corner and both manage to fall over the top rope and continue the fight on the floor for the double countout at 4:30 as this went nowhere and was completely pointless. DUD Crowd rightly chants “bullshit” to that non-finish after 4 minutes of armbars.

Meanwhile, we hear from Mr. T in the locker room as there’s some confusion about the ring announcements and it’s pretty sloppy work for a company that usually is super slick.

Intercontinental title: Randy Savage v. George Steele

Savage immediately runs away while Susan advocates for Elizabeth leaving and managing Steele instead. That’s terrible advice. Savage runs away again until George finally catches him and bites the leg. “Alright George, eat his leg!” notes Susan. Vince desperately needed a real color commentator here. George slugs him down, but turns his back and gets clobbered by Savage from behind. Macho with a flying bodypress for two, but Steele sends him to the floor on the kickout to give us more stalling. Savage attacks him from behind again, but George bites the arm while Susan offers insight like “Uh oh!” and “Ooo!” George grabs a bouquet of flowers and beats on Savage with those, but then he eats the turnbuckle and Savage runs away again. George shoots his shot with Liz, but Savage hits him with a double axehandle on the floor, and then back in for the big elbow, which only gets two. Steele beats on him in the corner to make the comeback, but Savage pins him with his feet on the ropes at 7:05 to retain. I have no idea why they didn’t just have Savage go over with the big elbow. Match was complete trash as usual. DUD

Meanwhile, Mean Gene chats with Big John Studd and Bill Fralic in Chicago. Bill calls him a DUD, obviously confusing him with the first two matches. Also holy shit Fralic is a big fucker, standing toe to toe with Studd.

Jake Roberts v. George Wells

Wells attacks to start, but Jake immediately tosses him to the floor. But then he points to his head to indicate intelligence, and George hits him with a shoulderblock as a result. George actually takes him down with a flying headscissors and then slugs him down and follows with a kneelift. Powerslam gets two. Jake runs away and catches Wells with a kneelift on the way into the ring, giving us a signature UH OH from Susan, and the DDT finishes at 2:57. Basically just a squash win for Jake. ½*. And we get the Wrestlemania debut of Damian, as George is left foaming at the mouth for some reason.

Boxing match: Rowdy Roddy Piper v. Mr. T

Joan Rivers has to introduce all the celebrities and calls Bob “Ace Comedy, a very funny man, Bob Orvin”. This whole thing is the epitome of pointless gaga. Both guys are of course trained as legit boxers, but they exchange fake looking punches while T dodges him with “peekaboo style”. Hopefully he doesn’t unleash the dreaded “got your nose” offense. They roll around in the corner and the first round comes to an end.

Second round and Piper has his face all greased up, and he uses it to blind T and punches him out in the corner for a knockdown. T is up at the 8 and the crowd is CHANTING FOR RODDY! This is hilarious. Piper knocks him down again at the bell for round two.

Round three and T makes a comeback, looking completely fake and pathetic as he’s obviously blown up to the point where he can barely stand, but he punches Piper down in the corner for a knockdown. T gets a shot in the corner to send Piper to the floor, and T rests in his own corner and looks like he’s gonna drop dead from a heart attack any second. Back in the ring, T throws more punches and both guys are sucking wind as they booked this thing to go WAAAAAAAY too long.

Round four and Piper tosses the stool at him, so they do a cartoonish slugfest and T wins that battle as Vince keeps calling them “arm weary”, and finally Piper bodyslams T for the DQ at 13:20 before they both dropped dead from exhaustion. This was hilariously terrible on every level but there’s a certain charm to how bad it was and the crowd was certainly into it. Much like the show itself, it was entertaining despite itself.

So of course, Piper left the promotion for months after this, returning in the summer for his babyface turn and arguably most famous feud.

Part two: Live from Chicago, IL, drawing 9000 and definitely not a sellout.

Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon, Mean Gene & Cathy Lee Crosby

WWF Women’s title: Fabulous Moolah v. Velvet Mcinytre

Moolah attacks Velvet with hairtosses and a clothesline, but Velvet gets a pair of dropkicks. She goes up with a flying bodypress that misses, and Moolah pins her at 1:00 due to an obvious wardrobe malfunction that needed to be dealt with. Looked like it was going OK but obviously didn’t go anywhere. DUD

Flag match: Corporal Kirchner v. Nikolai Volkoff

Is it me or is the ring really small here? Volkoff tosses him right away and runs him into the post a few times, but luckily there’s not much there to hurt. Back in the ring, Kirchner makes a comeback and slugs away, but the ref is bumped, so Kirchner steals the cane from Blassie and hits Volkoff for the pin at 1:45. Another shitty rushed match. DUD

20 Man Battle Royale:

Once again we get a murderer’s row of D-list celebrities before the match. For the match, we’ve got Jimbo Covert, Pedro Morales, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi, Harvey Martin, Danny Spivey, Hillbilly Jim, King Tonga, The Iron Sheik, Ernie Holmes, B. Brian Blair, Jim Brunzell, Big John Studd, Bill Fralic, Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, Russ Francis, Bruno Sammartino, William Perry and Andre the Goddamned Giant. Sadly this is the closest I’m ever getting to seeing my dream team of Andre and Bruno. They did team up against the Valiants a few times in the 70s, but nothing that was ever televised. This match by far got the most build on the TV leading up to the PPV. Andre and Studd immediately slug it out in the corner while others gang up on the Refrigerator, but can’t get him over the top. Did they call him that because he trapped kids in the junkyard? Because that would be pretty messed up if so. Tonga and Covert both go out at 1:00 while tussling on the ropes. Holmes goes out at 1:50 via Studd, as Studd and Andre resume their beef. Jumpin Jim jumps out of the match at 2:40 and he’s got a cast on his arm anyway. Tony Atlas is out at 3:00 somehow off camera. Perry and Studd exchange forearms in the corner as Pedro takes Harvey Martin out at 3:54 and falls out at the same time. Jim puts Arcidi out at 4:24, and Spivey gets tossed at 4:40, along with Jim and Blair as we thin the ring out. Studd and Sheik team up and toss Fralic at 5:10. Bruno tosses the Sheik at 5:24 for a big pop and goes nuts on Studd in the corner, working harder than anyone in the match. But then Studd dumps him out at 5:54. Perry sends both Harts to the apron with a shoulderblock, but they hang on. So we get a showdown with Studd and Perry as the crowd goes apeshit, but Perry charges and Studd tosses him at 6:34. So Perry offers a handshake and then pulls Studd out at 6:50. Never trust a kitchen appliance! Andre levels Russ Francis with a headbutt, but the Harts double dropkick Andre into the ropes to tie him up. So they double-team Russ and chuck him out at 7:50, leaving us with Harts v. Andre. They double-team Andre in the corner as Bret whips Anvil into him, but they try it again and Andre has had enough and smashes them before casually booting them out at 9:04 to win, tossing Bret onto Neidhart for the finale. Man, poor Bret Hart has no luck with battle royales at Wrestlemania. Not much to the match but the freakshow aspect was fun and the crowd was very into it.

WWF World tag team title: The Dream Team v. The British Bulldogs

Months of the Bulldogs chasing finally pays off here, although the Bulldogs were so hot that they probably should have switched the belts weeks earlier. We’ve got two referees and Ozzy at ringside, so everything should be well under control. Hammer and Davey exchange forearms to start and Davey works on the arm, before Kid comes in and sends Valentine into the corner for two. Dynamite stomps him down in the corner and hits a snap suplex, and then Davey comes in with a delayed suplex for two. Hammer bails and hits Davey with forearms in the corner before taking him down with a headbutt to take over. Brutus works the arm, but Davey hits him with a press slam to escape and Kid chops Brutus down for two. Small package gets two. Davey comes in with a Perfectplex for two. Hammer finally tags in again and hits Davey with a top rope forearm on the way in, and a suplex gets two. Kid beats on Valentine with forearms and shoulders in the corner and the Bulldogs double-team him with a shoulderblock for two. Kid with a sunset flip for two. Backbreaker gets two. This is like a real match or something! A weird change of pace from all the 2:00 sprints. Hammer comes back with a piledriver on Kid for two, actually falling forward on the move for some reason. He goes up and Kid slams him off for two, but Beefcake saves and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA. Davey presses Kid for the diving headbutt, but Valentine rolls out of the ring to escape. Back in, Davey with the powerslam on Hammer for two. Suplex gets two. But then Hammer whips Davey into the post and his shoulder is FOOKED, I bet. So Hammer goes to work on it and Beefcake hammerlocks him and drops him on the arm in a great bump for Davey. Hammer with a shoulderbreaker for two, but he picks him up at two. So Kid climbs to the middle rope and sticks out his head, allowing Davey to run Hammer into the headbutt and pin him to win the titles at 12:10. And of course Kid takes a bump right to the floor that the camera doesn’t even see, messing himself up. Like he slammed his head into the concrete on the way down and I have no idea how he didn’t die right there. And who gets to celebrate with the belts? Ozzy (who looked like he didn’t know what day of the week it was) and Captain Lou. Match was lacking a real heat segment but the Bulldogs were doing some wild stuff for the time and this was like Steamboat v. Flair compared to the rest of the show so far. ***1/2. Dyno can’t even do a promo afterwards and Davey has to peel him off the floor and probably carry him to the back.

Part three: Live from Los Angeles, CA, drawing a much more respectable 14500.

Your hosts are Jesse Ventura, Lord Alfred Hayes & Elvira

Hercules Hernandez v. Ricky Steamboat

Herc attacks in the corner but Steamboat puts him down with chops and armdrags to take control. Steamboat with a back elbow and suplex for two, but Herc drops him on the top rope to take over. Steamboat tries a slam and Hercules falls on top for two. Herc with a back elbow and he drops elbows on Steamboat for two. Steamboat fights back with chops, but Herc clotheslines him for two. Herc with a press slam and he goes to the top and misses a flying splash, allowing Dragon to finish with the flying bodypress at 7:14. Just a normal midcard match, but it was fine. **1/4

Uncle Elmer v. Adrian Adonis

Elmer attacks and Adonis goes flying all over the ring and bumps to the floor a few times. Elmer rips off the dress and slingshots Adrian back in the ring before tying him in the ropes, but Adrian gets a cheapshot to take over. Elvira: “Put the dress back on!” Elmer with an Avalanche in the corner, but he misses the legdrop and Adrian goes up with a diving headbutt to finish at 3:00. Adonis tried but this was pretty bad. DUD

The Funk Brothers v. Tito Santana & Junkyard Dog

Hoss goes after JYD right away, but Dog whips the Funks together and cleans house with slams as Terry runs away and yells at the front row for disrespecting him. Back in the ring, Terry goes after Tito, but he gets clotheslined to the floor and takes another big bump off that. Back in the ring, Dog beats on Terry in the corner and runs him into the turnbuckle so much that he actually knocks it loose. And poor Terry gets tossed to the floor for another bump on the concrete, which Alfred actually calls a bump to the floor. HE’S BREAKING KAYFABE! Over to Hoss, who hits Tito with uppercuts, but Tito puts him down with the forearm for two and Terry has to save. Finally Hoss lures Tito into a criss-cross, allowing Terry to hit Tito with a knee from the apron to take over. The Funks get some shots on Tito on the floor while Jimmy does commentary for them, and back in with a suplex from Terry for two. Elvira is worried about the trunks breaking from the stress of the suplexes, but Jesse assures her that she’ll get a real show if that happens. Elvira is just hilariously thirsty tonight. Hoss with a suplex for two and he beats on Tito with uppercuts before cutting off the ring. Double clothesline and legdrop from Terry gets two. Tito fights back and makes the hot tag to JYD, and he runs wild and backdrops Terry over the top for another crazy bump. He slams Terry onto the ringside table for good measure as Terry is just single-handedly carrying this thing, but Dog goes after Jimmy and it’s BONZO GONZO! Tito with the figure-four on Hoss, but Terry breaks that up while the ref gets Tito out, and Terry uses the megaphone on JYD and pins him at 11:45. Still an underrated hidden gem. ***1/2

And finally, it’s the debut of the big blue cage…

WWF World title, cage match: Hulk Hogan v. King Kong Bundy

They slug it out to start and Hulk quickly hits the big boot and chokes out Bundy with his own strap. Hulk hits him with the Axe Bomber but Bundy won’t go down because it’s not Japan, and he comes back by going to the taped ribs and adds a slam. Bundy goes for the door and Hulk grabs his leg, so Bundy runs him into the cage and tries to walk out again. Hulk blocks him again, so Bundy rips off the tape and chokes him out with it, as Hogan finally gets a taste of his own medicine. So he ties Hogan to the ropes and goes to walk out, but I assume one of the refs helps Hulk out by untying him, allowing Hulk to rake the eyes and keep Bundy in there. Hulk fights back and slugs away before sending Bundy into the cage for an incredibly blatant blade from Bundy, literally right on camera while Bobby tries to hide it. So Hulk sends him into the cage for more abuse while Elvira is aghast at all the cheating from Hogan, just like all of us. Hulk tries the slam and falls backwards, but he uses the rib tape to choke out Bundy and save his title yet again. So Bundy hits him with the Avalanche and big splash, and Hulk won’t stay down so Bundy gives him another one. But Hulk no-sells it and powerslams Bundy, then hits the legdrop and goes over the top to retain the title at 10:15. And of course, Hogan beats up poor Bobby Heenan, who literally did NOTHING WRONG here. A decent match, not really worthy of the Wrestlemania main event spot as far as heat or importance or anything. **

Overall, this one ended up as “not bad” thanks to everything from Bulldogs-Dream Team onwards, although that first half was ROUGH. It still retains a terrible reputation for not living up to the ideals of what Wrestlemania turned into, but they were obviously working out the kinks (ESPECIALLY in the celebrity usage department!) and I think you can discount it from “worst ever” conversations as a result.