The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 06.29.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 06.29.91

Originally written 08.31.26

Hey, I’m back. You didn’t really know I was gone because I was on vacation and I posted a shitload of stuff in advance (outside of All In of course) but now we get back on the horse again. Also, my vacation may have killed Dolly Parton and Tim Curry, so I apologize for that. I was aiming for someone else.

Taped from Tucson, AZ on 05.28.91

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage & Roddy Piper. Piper is doing a running joke where IRS is trying to audit him, which I don’t think went anywhere.

Big Bossman v. The Intruder

Back with Bossman kicking off the show again! The Intruder’s gear is…something. Bossman hits him with a back elbow and chokes him out on the ropes and the announcers are pretty merciless in their ribbing of his ridiculously trash mask and dumpy body. We get an inset promo from the CANADIAN MOUNTIE, who threatens to electrocute Bossman. Bossman hits the Intruder with a clothesline and he just takes a complete flat back bump, going spread eagled, and then the Bossman slam finishes at 2:10. Apparently the Intruder is still around, working as referee Jesse Hernandez, and was a pretty respected guy in the business.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

Gene brings up the RUMORS and INNUENDOS about the relationship between Randy Savage and Elizabeth that have popped up lately. And we get comments from Liz on Prime Time, who admits that she loves the Macho Man. We all do, Liz, we all do. So Gene announces that next week, he’ll be interviewing Liz right there in the ring on Superstars, and hey, wouldn’t it be crazy if Savage came out and popped the question right there? That’s CRAZY!

The Berzerker v. Larry Williams

Berzerker beats Larry down with forearms and follows with a big boot while Savage is crashing out, as the kids say. Berzerker walks around going huss huss huss and jumps around the ring and there’s not much going on. He hits Williams with a bodyslam and drops a knee on him while Savage desperately tries to change the subject over and over, and Williams gets tossed to the floor and counted out 2:20.

The Texas Tornado v. Louie Spicoli

I think the guy in the ring might be on drugs. Kerry takes him down and Spicoli makes the ropes while Vince gives Piper a hard time about potential audits from IRS. Spicoli gets all pissed off and Kerry takes him down with armdrags and sends him to the apron in frustration, and then a tornado punch puts him on the floor. Tornado follows him out there and beats on him outside, and back in for another tornado punch to finish at 2:38. Also, out of curiosity, I checked on the Piper thing, and there was only ever two matches in 1991 between them, and they were both house show tags with Piper & Virgil against IRS & Dibiase.

The Natural Disasters v. Bob Allen & Larry Sampson

It’s the debut of the new team, as Quake stomps Allen down and Vince tells a narrative about how Tugboat felt resentful of Hulk Hogan and felt betrayed when Hogan threw him out of the battle royal on SNME. I mean, fair, but the turn had nothing to do with Hogan and there was never a match between them, so it didn’t really amount to anything. Quake with a corner splash on Sampson and Typhoon comes in with a slam and splash before Quake finishes him off with the butt splash at 2:21.

This week in 1991 commercials: Apparently there’s a SECOND Terminator movie coming out? Hopefully James Cameron can pull that one off.

Virgil v. Randy Sharkey

Sharkey has the Rolling Stones logo on his ass, which leads to disturbing implications. He must be a vegetarian because he enjoys tossed salad. Virgil slugs him down and hits him with a slam out of the corner while Vince puts over Virgil’s sister, Virgilina, who has been making house show appearances with Piper lately. Virgil with a back elbow and gut wrench suplex and he finishes with the Million Dollar Dream at 3:11. Savage notes that Virgil made a lot of money when he was employed by Dibiase. Vince: “But he was treated like dirt!” Savage: “Yeah but he still took the money.” Valid.

The Funeral Parlor with special guest Sgt. Slaughter. Sarge makes a bunch of “witty” puns about setting Hogan on fire as they’ve got the fake booing turned up to 11. And that’s about it.

The Dragon v. Dale Wolfe

Man, Slaughter was just mocking Hogan’s burns and they bring out fire-breathing Steamboat in the next segment? TOO SOON. Wolfe slugs away on Steamboat, but Ricky takes him down with a necksnap and puts him down with a double chop. Dragon with a back kick and suplex while Piper accuses Savage of being a coward, and Savage clarifies that he’s not afraid of no man or NUTHIN. Tell ‘em, Mach. For some reason Steamboat takes off the goofy armbands at this point and throws them away, although I guess I can’t blame him. Dragon rams him into the turnbuckles 10 times and goes up to finish with the flying bodypress at 2:10.

Meanwhile, the Legion of Doom and Nasty Boys both offer endorsements for Sid Justice.

The Warlord v. Larry Ludden

Warlord puts him down with a gut wrench and beats on him with forearms before dropping him with a back suplex and beating him down with clubbing forearms. Delayed suplex follows, so delayed they should call it Across the Spider-Verse part 2, and he puts Ludden down with a short clothesline and finishes with the full nelson at 3:00.

NEXT WEEK: The Rockers! Sgt. Slaughter! Jake Roberts! The Undertaker! Bret Hart v. Haku! And Mean Gene interviews Miss Elizabeth!