The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 06.08.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 06.08.91

Thank you for the recent well-wishes, as I successfully survived my daughter’s sweet sixteen birthday party with my bank account mostly intact, and I ended up retreating to the office and watching Collision and then the Best of WCW Saturday Night show. And then to top off my weekend, I actually won my first ever Balatro run! I didn’t think it was ever gonna be possible. God bless the Flush and the Smeared Joker.

Taped from Rockford, IL on 05.06.91

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage & Roddy Piper, celebrating SHAMPOO WEEK. They’re really reaching for those now.

Big Bossman v. Al Burke

Hey, look who’s back in the leadoff spot again! He’s like the Ricky Henderson of 1991 Superstars. Bossman beats on Burke while we get an inset from the Mountie and Jimmy Hart, and this prompts Vince to make the first of many disclaimers that the Mountie DOES NOT represent the RCMP and in fact they’re very upset about the portrayal. That is very much an understatement, and in fact they were SO upset that I’m kind of shocked Vince didn’t back down immediately on the character in order to avoid a lawsuit. Bossman slugs him down and picks him up at two, and then finishes with the Bossman slam at 1:33.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

Last week, Jimmy Hart claims to have signed Andre the Giant to a contract, but it turns out to be a setup for an attack from Earthquake, as we watch that whole deal again. And then we get an interview from Jake Roberts, who promises revenge on behalf of Andre. Well that didn’t happen.

The Warlord v. Red Tyler

Warlord puts him down with a shoulderblock and adds a gut wrench before beating him down with forearms and a clothesline that turns Red inside out. Full Nelson finishes at 1:24 as Roddy Piper reminisces about teaming with Hulk Hogan at MSG when the topic of Hulk’s hotline comes up. Savage is less magnanimous about the whole deal.

Meanwhile, JUSTICE is coming.

The British Bulldog v. WT Jones

Jones grabs a headlock to start and that gets him nowhere, as Bulldog hits him with slams while the announcers rag on Red Tyler and the beating he took from the Warlord. We get an inset promo from Mr. Perfect, who threatens to leave Bulldog at the dog pound and presumably have him euthanized. Story time: When I was in junior high, I was naturally part of the cool kid clique because I was in a reading challenge group and a debate group and all the things that the youths enjoyed doing in school. Anyway, the topic for one of the weeks was “euthanasia”, which in the days before the internet left me really confused because I wasn’t familiar with the term despite being a prodigy with a gigantic vocabulary, and in fact what I thought was being discussed was “Youth in Asia”. This confused me because I didn’t think it was a particularly controversial subject to debate. As it turned out, I was sick for the debate and didn’t have a chance to ever be corrected. Anyway, Bulldog finishes with a corner clothesline and running powerslam at 2:10.

Meanwhile, we are only ONE WEEK AWAY from the first ever WBF championship! Hopefully Vince can hold out until the show, if you know what I mean.

The Berzerker v. Gary Jackson

Berzerker beats him down with forearms while Piper discusses hair dye and leaves the question of who he’s addressing as a mystery. And we get an inset from Berzerker, who literally just goes HUSS HUSS HUSS while Fuji cackles. Berzerker with a front slam and then he picks Jackson up and does it again before tossing him out of the ring for the countout at 2:10.

The Dragon v. Dan Johnson

Dragon chops him down, but Johnson actually hits a few slams on him, so Dragon puts him down with a back kick and drops fists on him. And he goes up with the flying chop and finishes with the flying bodypress at 1:28. They show some idiot kid in the crowd and Savage is like “Hey look, it’s the ugly Dragon fan!” Ouch. I mean, fair, but STILL.

The Funeral Parlor with special guest IRS. He makes the usual “Death and taxes” riff with Bearer and promises that all tax cheats with pay the penalty.

Meanwhile, it’s specifically SID JUSTICE who is coming, in fact you didn’t figure it out from the first vignette. In retrospect, those weren’t the most effective introduction videos ever, but you had to figure the majority of the fans already knew who he was and what he was about anyway.

Virgil v. Bob Bradley

Virgil slugs away and hits Bob with an enzuigiri, but Bob fires back, so Virgil hits him in the gut and then punches him down again before finishing with the Million Dollar Dream at 2:10.

Meanwhile, we hear from the Flexing Dutchman, Berry DeMay, who indeed sounds like a Dutch person. There’s only two things I can’t stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures, and the DUTCH.

Sgt. Slaughter v. Buck Zumhoff

OK you can also that guy to things I can’t stand. Slaughter chokes him out on the ropes and chokes him out with a belt before dropping him on the top rope. Slaughter with a short clothesline and camel clutch to finish at 1:51.

This week in 1991 commercials: The NEO GEO! Holy shit like any of the trailer park trash watching this show in syndication would ever be able to afford one of those things. You might as well advertise yachts and mansions because it cost about as much to get your hands on one.

NEXT WEEK: Ted Dibiase! Mr. Perfect! Bret Hart! Tugboat & The Bushwhackers v. The Nasty Boys & Earthquake!

Big angle coming up next week!