The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.04.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.04.91

Originally written 06.29.26

Taped from Omaha, NE on 04.16.91 and THANK ALL THAT IS HOLY we are finally done with the star spangled opening and onto the one that would last until 1992.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Roddy Piper & Randy Savage

WWF World tag team title: The Nasty Boys v. The Rockers

Big match for a new taping cycle. Knobs slugs Marty in the corner and beats on him with forearms, but Shawn comes in to save and it’s a PIER SIX BRAWL. Marty with a rollup on Knobs for two, but Sags comes in to save and Marty takes him down for two as well. Shawn comes in and cleans house with dropkicks, but Knobs pulls Sags out of the way and Shawn lands on his ass to put the champs in control. Knobs with a clothesline out of the corner and that gets two. But then Marty trips up Sags and posts him, so Knobs comes back in and goes to work on Shawn again. Powerslam sets up the shitty elbow, but Marty breaks it up and Sags lands on his ass, allowing Marty to get the hot tag and run wild. It’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA, but Shawn gets tossed and the Nasties grab the helmet. But the ref sees it and the Rockers win by DQ at 4:50. Don’t think it went anywhere but it was a nice little TV match. **1/2

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

Oh man, let’s talk about last week, when Earthquake sat on Damian and triggered a downward spiral for Jake Roberts that he never recovered from. And we still don’t see the fateful squishing.

Texas Tornado v. Al Burke

Apparently Jake already has a new snake, named Lucifer, who will debut soon. I hear WCW tried to sign the snake first but accidentally got the real Lucifer on a 2 year no-cut deal and then put him in charge of creative. Kerry takes Burke down and wrestles him on the mat while we get an inset from the Warlord while the announcers hype the Hot Ticket Wrestlemania Heroes PPV and Vince needles Piper about facing Hogan at WM1. And the tornado punch finishes at 1:55.

Col. Mustafa v. WT Jones

WT Jones, no relation to SD I’m assuming, quickly gets laid out and Mustafa puts the boots to him. Mustafa with a pair of suplexes as we learn that he used to be WWF champion Iron Sheik, and we get an inset from Jim Duggan to rekindle their feud from 4 years ago. Camel clutch finishes at 1:35. “Everyone hates a winner” notes Savage, still playing heel on commentary.

Meanwhile, we meet WBF Bodystar Eddie Robinson, who is lifting weights, as weightlifters do.

Meanwhile, on Primetime, Brutus Beefcake returns to the WWF and demonstrates his barbering skills while a barbershop quartet sings for him.

Virgil v. Tom Stone

Virgil slugs Stone to the floor and then back in for more fisticuffs as he slugs Stone down again and again before finishing him with the Million Dollar Dream at 1:45. Savage: “You gotta be able to get a patent on some of these wrestling holds, people are stealing them!”

Meanwhile, we get another plug for Wrestlemania’s History & Heroes, back when there was only seven of them to look back on.

The Berzerker v. Dan Robbins

So yesterday I learned that the guy who invented paint-by-numbers was actually named Dan Robbins, although I’m assuming this isn’t the same fella. But if he was, it would be fitting for WWF in the early 90s. Berzerker quickly hits him with a big furry boot and then charges in with a headbutt to put him down again while we get an inset from Tugboat, setting up the classic Viking v. Personification of Boat feud. Berzerker wraps him up in the ropes and hits him with boots and then tosses him out for the countout at 2:18. That’s ten different colors, for those keeping track.

The Funeral Parlor with special guest Hulk Hogan. Hulk keeps calling him “Dr. Paul Bearer” like being a mortician needs a doctorate or something. And then he threatens to bury Bearer in his own casket, which seems a bit much.

Meanwhile, IRS runs down his list of people getting audited, including a guy who donated to a “fund for cripples” but “doesn’t have a leg to stand on.”

Bret Hart v. Warren Bianchi

Bret slugs him down and drops an elbow on him while we get an inset from Barbarian. Bret slams him and drops the leg on him, setting up the legsweep. Backbreaker sets up the Sharpshooter to finish at 1:45 while the announcers shill for the Personal Fitness Expo deal that was probably a day long commercial for their supplements and bodybuilding magazines.

Next week: The Dragon! Sgt. Slaughter! Big Bossman! The Undertaker! Rowdy Roddy Piper v. Rick Martel!