The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.23.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.23.91

Originally written 05.12.26

Dearest diary, I write to you hoping that today is the day that we finally get to goddamn Wrestlemania VII so I don’t have to hear about Hulk Hogan and scud missiles and Wrestlemania reports for a long time if ever again.

Yours truly,

Me.

Taped from Orlando, FL on 02.18.91

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Roddy Piper and SHIT, Wrestlemania is still a day away. DIARY, YOU’VE SCREWED ME OVER FOR THE LAST TIME.

Legion of Doom v. Chris Sullivan & Keith Steinborn

LOD gets a pair of stereo press slams on the geeks and Hawk hits Steinborn with a powerslam while we get an inset from Power & Glory, which lasts longer than their actual match at Wrestlemania did. Over to Animal for a dropkick on Sullivan and Hawk gets a gut wrench while Piper does this whole in depth breakdown of the strengths and weaknesses of both teams for what ended up as a 10 second squash. Doomsday Device finishes at 2:15.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

Let us take you back to Superstars & Stripes Forever, as Hulk Hogan faces General Adnan and it turns into a beatdown at the hands of Sgt. Slaughter. And we get the promos from both guys afterwards, in case you haven’t heard “immortal slime” enough in the past 8 weeks or so.

Earthquake v. Scotty Williams

Quake beats on Williams in the corner, but misses a charge, allowing the jobber to get a dropkick. Quake shrugs that off and hits his own dropkick before pummeling him with headbutts and then finishing with the powerslam and butt splash at 2:00. But then THE MARINER hits the ring and beats Quake out of the ring with headbutts and chases Jimmy Hart to the back, teasing a possible connection with Greg Valentine. But then he never appeared again and just became a forgotten part of wrestling lore.

The Viking v. Danny Brazil

After his debut where people didn’t know how to respond to him, the Viking is now managed by Mr. Fuji so it’s clear that he’s a heel. That’s still a bad fit but at least people know to boo him now. Viking beats Brazil down and dropkicks him before beating on him with chops and hitting a big boot. And then he tosses Brazil and takes the countout at 2:35. Not exactly a high concept winner of a gimmick but the world needs midcard heels.

The Ultimate Warrior joins Mean Gene for a special interview. He does the “leave the crystal sewn into my head” interview again and promises to bury Macho Man at Wrestlemania. I mean, honestly we’ve said everything possible to say with the feud by this point in the buildup. It feels like they actually announced the retirement stip too early in the build, because once they did, there was nowhere else to go with the story.

Ted Dibiase v. Kevin Greeno

Dibiase puts Greeno down with a back elbow and slugs him down in the corner. Powerslam follows, but Virgil joins us at ringside to distract Dibiase, and Ted goes out and yells at him until he gets counted out at 2:00. Wait, two countout finishes in a row? Who is agenting this episode?

WRESTLEMANIA REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!

Amazingly they’re gonna pack FOURTEEN matches into a three hour show. We hear from Macho King one last time and then Willie Nelson sings us a quick medley amidst the rundown of celebrities.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. Alan Martin

Piper goes on a weird rant about how you’re going to be proud of the WWF when you see Wrestlemania and it’ll somehow make up for the atrocities committed by Iraq. Of course by this time the “war” in Iraq was a distant memory by pop culture standards and the world had moved onto other things. Anyway Piper is basically saying “Buy the show and we guarantee Hulk Hogan is winning” in so many words. Duggan sends Martin to the floor and back in for the spinning slam and three point stance to finish at 2:00. Kind of weird to have Duggan be the last guy having a match before the show when he wasn’t directly involved with it.

And we finish with a montage of the Hogan-Slaughter feud over dramatic music and lots of American flags in case you hadn’t already clued into who was winning the main event.

NEXT WEEK: Nothing announced, but we are FREE AT LAST from Wrestlemania VII hype and I’ll take it.