The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW – 01.21.02

The SmarK RAW Rant – 01.21.02

More randomness to finish off my archives in preparation for packaging a bunch of stuff as books. I’m missing this one, as well as two episodes from May in my archives for 2002 and that will finish off the year, so let’s review those three episodes next! Also thanks to Richard Land I will soon have ANOTHER project I’m excited to get moving on.

It’s the night after Royal Rumble 2002, and HHH has won his first Rumble, which surprises no one. Also Vince pays tribute to Martin Luther King as per usual for this date, which I guarantee you is not likely to happen ever again at this point in history.

Live from Greenville, SC

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler

Rob Van Dam, Tazz & Spike Dudley v. Booker T & The Dudley Boyz

Can we talk about what a banger “One of a Kind” turned out to be as a wrestling theme? Like goddamn, they had stuff that was so incredibly good by wrestling standards at this point that I actually went out and bought the CDs because I wanted to listen to it outside of the shows. So this is the incredibly weird period where Tazz & Spike were the tag team champions before transitioning them to Billy & Chuck for the more long-term title reign. RVD and Booker slug it out and Booker puts the boots to him, but misses the sidekick and RVD gets a dropkick for two. Over to Tazz and he throws some pretty heavy shots on the heels, but Bubba necks him on the top rope, which is impressive because Tazz barely reaches the top rope as it is, and the heels get the heat on him. Bubba with a neckbreaker and he drops elbows on Tazz for two while JR relays the backstory of the Dudley Boyz, and Booker hits the axe kick but robs the crowd of the Spinarooni. So D-Von comes in and slugs Tazz down instead, and drops the leg for two. Tazz comes back with an overhead suplex and RVD gets the hot tag and flips over Bubba before hitting a crossbody for two. He cleans house, but misses the Rolling Thunder after some miscommunication with the positioning, and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA. Rob goes up and Booker sends him to the floor, and then hits Spike with a spinebuster, setting up 3D on the Dudleyz, but Rob dives out of nowhere with the frog splash and pins Bubba at 6:06. This was akin to an AEW PARTY MATCH, but much sloppier and shorter. However, the finish was BADASS and RVD was pretty great in 2002. **1/2

Undisputed WWF champion Chris Jericho joins us after besting the Rock at the Rumble, despite everyone thinking he’s a joke. So he tells a (probably apocryphal) story about someone named Frank calling up his friends and inviting them over to watch him lose, and then he won and Frank was really sad about it. But even though no one believes in him, he forgives all the fans as long as they give him a standing ovation. So this brings out HHHH, in his awesome (cough) jean jacket over leather jacket combo that all the kids were wearing back in 2002. Weird how he left with that muscle tear and then came back with even more muscle mass than when he left. What’s up with THAT? Hunter warns Jericho that he’s got two months to prove that he’s not a fluke, and then they’ll meet at Wrestlemania and he’ll lose the title. Yeah we know how that two months went for the poor bastard. So then this brings out Kurt Angle and he’s bitter about getting eliminated by HHHH last night, so him and Jericho double-team until the Rock makes the save, setting up the tag team main event that was already announced for later tonight.

Intercontinental title: William Regal v. Edge

Regal won the title at the Rumble via the POWER OF THE PUNCH on Edge, so the ref checks the ringside area extensively to make sure they’re not hidden. Edge attacks on the floor and suplexes him on the floor, and into the ring with a missile dropkick for two. Back suplex gets two. Regal bails and suckers Edge into the post before smashing him into the apron, and then back in for a knee to the neck that gets two. Regal with the running knee for two. We hit the chinlock, but Edge gets a crossbody for two, so Regal puts him in a version of the Regal Stretch that’s more of a headlock. Edge comes back and backdrops him out of the corner to make the comeback, and a leg lariat gets two. Edge O Matic gets two. But then Edge goes up and Regal loads up the brass knuckles. Edge hits him with the missile dropkick to knock the knuckles off, and then grabs them himself and uses them for two. But the ref catches him and calls for the DQ at 4:41. Edge of course is a completely sore loser over this, but he clearly got caught with brass knuckles and has no case. But he beats up a bunch of referees anyway and hopefully works out his feelings. *1/2

Meanwhile, Kane and Big Show share some mutual respect, and then Billy & Chuck stop by and gives Kane his own headband, which he is pretty unappreciative about, if we’re being honest. So Billy & Chuck attack him and teach him a lesson about gratitude.

Meanwhile, Mr Perfect returns to RAW and meets Debra, and he’s still bitter about Steve Austin eliminating him from the Rumble.

Ric Flair joins us, still co-owner after beating Vince McMahon at the Rumble in a match to determine who’s the bigger sex pest. So Ric talks about his kids having to watch him flying from city to city in previous years of his life, so now with Vince screwing with his family he’s coming after Vince. So he puts up a couple of unflattering photos of Vince from the match, and that brings out Mr. McMahon, and he gives a weird promo where he promises to “do something that even he’ll regret”. Rape his personal assistant multiple times and then force her to sign a NDA? No, clearly he didn’t regret that. No, this was of course leading to something much sillier.

Val Venis v. Mr. Perfect

This is a weird clash of generations. Val brings a plant out of the audience to remove his towel and that takes FOREVER on a show that’s already way heavy on the talking side. Perfect beats on him with chops in the corner and hits the rolling necksnap. They fight to a double down and then Steve Austin’s music hits and thankfully puts an end to this shitty match by hitting the ring and destroying Perfect with a chair at 2:00. But then Val Venis decides to poke the bear by threatening Austin himself, and you can guess how that goes. And then Austin does the “WHAT” routine with the Beverly Hillbillies theme and then promises to enter the 2003 Royal Rumble and whip someone’a ass at Wrestlemania. Well he was right about one of those things at least. I have no idea how we as a society survived those fucking “WHAT?” promos in 2002.

Billy & Chuck v. Kane & Big Show

This is still pre-Rico for Billy & Chuck and they’re using the godawful “The One” music leftover from Billy’s last failed gimmick. That’s like the anti-RVD theme. Show clobbers everyone to start, but accidentally knocks Kane to the floor, allowing Billy to hit Show with the fameasser and pin him at 1:30.

Meanwhile, The Rock wants to know why HHHH is so goddamn miserable all the time, even after winning the Rumble. I KNOW, RIGHT?

Meanwhile, at the Rumble, Undertaker is busy running wild, but Maven dropkicks him out of the ring and then gets destroyed and left for dead. Spoiler: Maven did not end up getting elevated by any of this.

Meanwhile, at WWF New York, the APA are hosting the show and they’re all excited about the Godfather being back.

The Godfather joins us with his legal escort business, but Lance Storm interrupts and he’s pretty sure the business is ILLEGITIMATE. The dry humor of Lance explaining his jokes is sadly unappreciated at the time. It would work better in the more modern post-ironic setting, I think. So Lance comes down to engage in athletic competition, but Godfather kicks his ass and sends him packing. This was all brutally stupid.

Goldust joins us with his return promo after the Rumble, beginning an astonishingly effective comeback that no one saw coming. Hmm, a movie-quoting diva modelled after old Hollywood. Someone should bring that back as a gimmick. Might work.

Meanwhile, Stephanie gives Hunter a pep talk and wants him to destroy the Rock, but he tells her off while she gets all cartoonish and shrill. Man this didn’t go anywhere good either.

The Rock & HHHH v. Kurt Angle & Chris Jericho

I’m probably aging myself here but the babyfaces should have teamed up as Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter. The good news is that these four are incapable of a bad match here on this show with about zero wrestling so far, but the bad news is that there’s about 6 minutes left in the show. Everyone flies in and trades stuff at 200% speed to start as I’m assuming they’re running long, and it leads to Jericho getting double-teamed by the babyfaces. Rock quickly hits Jericho with the spinebuster, but Angle low bridges him to break up the People’s Elbow and beats on him outside. Back in, that gets two for Jericho and he drops elbows on Rock for two. They are just rushing HARDCORE here and Rock makes a comeback and tries the Scorpion King Deathlock on Angle, only for Jericho to break it up. Angle with the anklelock and Hunter saves and it’s RUSH RUSH RUSH as he gets the hot tag ad they run through their spots at a million miles per hour and KICK WHAM PEDIGREE on Angle gets two as Jericho makes the save. Finally it slows down for 30 seconds as they do a double down, but then Rock gets the second hot tag and Jericho runs out and grabs the bell with Vince no doubt screaming in everyone’s ear about the time, and he walks into the Rock Bottom and gets pinned at 7:38 and WE ARE DESPERATELY OUT OF TIME GOOD NIGHT. This was seriously like watching a 20 minute tag match played back at 1.75 times speed on YouTube or something. Like they were getting all their shit in but just hitting everything so fast that it had absolutely no impact or point. Maybe trim one of the fucking terrible promos next time, guys? **

Anyway this show started really fun and then quickly made me remember how dour and irritating 2002 was for me at the time with terrible match after terrible match and some of the all time worst booking decisions of the decade about to come.

Next time: We move to May 2002 as we quickly wrap up this year and I can close out the archives for good!