The SmarK Rant for WWF in MSG – 03.19.90

The SmarK Rant for WWF in MSG – 03.19.90

Originally written 09.10.25

Hey, the February show was unexpectedly awesome, so let’s hope this one holds up as well.

Taped from Madison Square Garden, drawing a pretty light crowd of 9500 this time. Not a promising sign for Warrior’s drawing power on top with Wrestlemania two weeks away.

Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon, Hillbilly Jim & Lord Alfred Hayes

Jim Powers v. Iron Mike Sharpe

They fight for the lockup and Sharpe hits him with a chop on the ropes, but Powers dropkicks him to the floor and Mike is pretty confused about how to proceed. Powers slingshots him back into the ring and rolls him up for two, and Mike retreats again, ready to go back to the showers. Gorilla clarifies that if you walk out of a match, you don’t get any payoff from the promoter, not even the loser’s share of the purse! Maybe they should unionize then. Sharpe wants the test of strength, being that he’s Canada’s greatest athlete and all, while Gorilla lies and says that Skydome is sold out and there’s no tickets available for Wrestlemania. Actually I guess he doesn’t totally lie because they say tickets are “very scarce”, which gives them some wiggle room. You could absolutely get tickets for the show at that point, though. Sharpe beats Powers down with the clubbing forearms and chokes him out on the ropes, but Powers punches him into the ropes and Sharpe is tied up. That was a pretty lame comeback. And then Powers charges and Sharpe boots him in the face while still tied in the ropes! What a goober. Iron Mike chokes him out again while Gorilla and Alfred discuss their career overlapping with the original Mike Sharpe years ago, although Hayes never wrestled him. I like when they have little tangents like that instead of the fake hype stuff! It makes them sound like genuine human beings with a connection to the product instead of insincere pitchmen. And then they go right back to the fake hype stuff, sigh. Powers with a sunset flip, but Sharpe blocks it and beats him down again before working him over in the corner. Sharpe tosses him and Powers is counting the lights on the floor. Gorilla notes that back in college, there was a sign printed on the ceiling of the wrestling room and it said “If You Can Read This, You Are Not Wrestling”. That’s pretty clever. Back in the ring, Powers makes his lame comeback again with a dropkick and slugs away to set up a powerslam to finish at 12:52. As always, Powers had the look of a star but absolutely no passion for the business or connection with the fans. Hey, that’s cool, some guys are happy jerking the curtain and collecting a payday. This was a fine opener otherwise. **

Hercules v. Black Bart

Herc has weird grey trunks here, which I’ve never seen him wear otherwise. I’m creeped out by them for some reason. Herc overpowers him and they go to the test of strength, but Herc quickly wins that and clotheslines him down. Bart chokes him out and takes him to the apron for a shot to the post, and back in for a clothesline that gets two. Bart chokes him out again for two and takes him down with a neckbreaker for two. Bart drops a leg for two and goes to the chinlock. And he chinlocks. And chinlocks. And chinlocks some more. Did other old timey cowboys do this many chinlocks in the old west? I don’t remember Al Swearengen doing many of them. This gives Gorilla a chance to bring up the Terry Garvin School of Self Defense (TAKE A DRINK!) and when Hillbilly asks what you need to graduate, Gorilla quips “about $800”. Jim: “Oooooh.” Herc makes a quick comeback and finishes with the torture rack at 12:30.

Demolition v. The Orient Express

This was odd timing for this match, with Demolition going for their third tag team title in two weeks and the Orients on the way up, sort of. Tanaka gets double-teamed by the Demos to start and Ax goes to a neck vice, so it’s over to Sato. He quickly gets beat down by Ax while the crowd chants FUJ THE STOOGE. The Express manages to double-team Ax for a bit, but Tanaka gets brought back to the Demo corner again and Smash hits him with a backbreaker for two. Ax works the arm and the Demos hit him with a double backdrop, and then Sato comes in and Smash just kicks both of their asses by himself. He hits Sato RIGHT IN THE BREADBASKET but Fuj the Stooge hits Smash with a can shot on the floor and the Express takes over. They double-team Smash in the corner as Lord Alfred remembers competing against the Japanese “in a couple of World Wars”, obviously speaking on behalf of all British people. But then Ax gets a hot tag and smashes Tanaka in the corner and powerslams him for two. It’s BONZO GONZO, but Fuji interferes again to break up the Decapitation, putting Ax on the floor for a faceful of racist salt, and the countout at 10:50. This was about as weak of a way to put over the new heel team as they could have booked. Demolition basically beat the crap out of them at will and the Orients backed into a “win”. *

Koko B. Ware v. Frenchy Martin

You’ll note that Frenchy doesn’t even put “former manager of Dino Bravo” on his resume because then he’d never work again. Surprisingly, Koko is using his old “Do the Bird” music instead of “Piledriver” here. Koko takes him down with armdrags to start and they fight over a wristlock, but Martin escapes that. Frenchy goes to the eyes and gets a slam to set up a back elbow, and that gets two. Frenchy with the nerve pinch and the crowd has already had enough of this one, perhaps remembering Martin’s former career as the manager of Dino Bravo, who is the WORST. Knee to the gut gets two and he goes back to the nerve hold before tossing Koko. Back in, more nerve pinching before Koko gets a bodypress for two, and then it’s back to the resthold. Koko misses a charge and Frenchy gets two. Fun fact, after 9/11 Martin changed his name to Freedom Martin. OK I made that up because I’m bored of this match. Frenchy goes back to the nerve pinch as Hayes notes that “they’ve been going at this match hammer and tongs”. Hillbilly: “There ain’t much tongs, boy”. Koko finally comes back, hits the Ghostbuster out of nowhere, and pins him at 12:40. DUD

Earthquake v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Quake beats on him in the corner to start and sends him to the floor, but then he charges and Duggan pulls down the rope and Quake bumps out there as well. Quake wins that battle, sending Duggan into the post a couple of times, and back into the ring for a bearhug. Duggan fights back with clotheslines and slugs Quake down to set up the three point stance, but Quake won’t go down. So he tries it again, but Jimmy Hart trips up Duggan, and Quake drops the elbow for the pin at 6:34. This was about what you’d expect. ½*. Duggan didn’t take the butt splash, though!

Rick Martel v. Bret Hart

Damn, this was advertised last month as Martel v. Roddy Piper, which is a way more interesting match. They fight for a wristlock to start and Bret blocks a rollup off that, so Martel grabs a headlock. Rick slugs away in the corner, but Bret hits him with a clothesline and gets a small package for two. Martel bails as we get our first External Occipital Protuberance of the evening (TAKE A DRINK!), and Bret works the arm back in the ring. Here’s a thing I was thinking about: Over the next couple of years, the entire WWF midcard was dominated by all these guys who were half of the murderer’s row of tag teams in the 80s. Bret Hart, Rick Martel, Shawn Michaels, Davey Boy Smith, Jacques Rougeau and Haku all transitioned into singles stars. Even Smash if you want to stretch a little. Bret continues with the armbar and puts him down with a headbutt for two. Hillbilly notes that this would be classified as a “flogging” back in Kentucky, while Alfred thinks it would be a “shellacking” in England. We all learned something during that armbar. Finally Martel tosses him to escape the armbar and back in for an abdominal stretch, which shockingly does not draw critique from Gorilla. Bret escapes that and dodges a charge, as he rolls up Martel for two, but Martel goes after the back again and gets the Boston Crab. Bret quickly reverses out of that, so Martel hits him with a backbreaker and then tries a slingshot into the ring, which Bret counters. They collide for a double down, and Bret makes the comeback with a snap suplex and elbow for two. Middle rope elbow gets two. Neckbreaker gets two. Martel tries to run and Bret tosses him back in for a backbreaker, which gets two. Martel runs again, so Bret hauls him back in for a dropkick that gets two. Martel keeps running away and they brawl on the floor, leading to a double countout at 21:12. They announce it as a time limit draw, which makes sense, as all matches featuring Canadians have a 21:12 time limit on them. IYKYK. Solid match here, duh, Martel wasn’t super motivated or anything. ***

Brutus Beefcake v. Dino Bravo

So this would have to be Beefcake’s final MSG match, right? He wasn’t on the April show and they didn’t come back until after the boating accident. What a way to go out. Bravo overpowers Brutus to start, but gets worked over RIGHT IN THE BREADBASKET and clotheslined to the floor. Back in, Bravo with the test of strength, but in this case it’s a test of my patience because DINO BRAVO IS THE WORST. Brutus escapes that predicament and sends Dino into the corner for some punches, but gets hit with an atomic drop for two. Brutus tries a slam and Bravo falls on him for two and chokes him out. Bravo with a bearhug and that goes on forever, but Brutus escapes and gets the sleeper, prompting Jimmy Hart to take the ref and that allows Earthquake to hit the ring and break it up. And he sends Beefcake into the post outside, and Bravo wins by countout at 11:28. Another horrible finish in a series tonight. ½*. And we get Quake delivering some elbows to Beefcake for the beatdown afterwards. This all sucked.

Tugboat Thomas v. Pistol Pez Whatley

Wow what a lucky MSG crowd to get this debut! Pez tries to climb the ropes right away and Tugboat slams him off. Gorilla: “Tugboat reminds me of Earthquake. Hard to imagine what would happen if those two ever joined forces!” Sounds like a disaster. Tugboat with a bearhug after some clown bumps from Whatley, but Tug misses a charge and Pez beats on him in the corner. How sure are that Vince didn’t pitch a character where Pez gave out candy dispensers to kids at ringside? Pez goes up with a forearm from the middle rope for two, but then he goes up to the top and Tugboat slams him off and throws him out of the corner. Whatley goes for a foreign object to buy time, but Tugboat chokes him out until Pez fights back with headbutts. Tugboat with a corner splash and he finishes with the big fat splash at 5:49. The crowd boos him. Like seriously, I know the reason why he got a job and a push, but I’ve seen multiple tryout matches with Tugboat from this time period and he was TERRIBLE in all of them but still failed upwards anyway. This was really bad. -*

The Fink is out to read the card for next month, but when he gets to the main event, Earthquake storms out and cuts a promo about his opponent, Hulk Hogan, before storming off again. Man they wasted zero time going from Hogan’s loss and right into that feud.

Intercontinental title: Ultimate Warrior v. Mr. Perfect

They were still selling the lie that Perfect was undefeated at this point, although he had been eating pinfalls from Hulk all over the country for months. But they weren’t on TV, so they didn’t really count. I know PWI was CONSTANTLY harping on that, though. Perfect tries to attack Warrior at the bell and immediately gets sent to the floor as a result. Back in, Warrior tosses him around and Perfect does the bump into the post, before Warrior clotheslines him back to the floor again. Back in the ring, Warrior goes for the splash and hits the knees, and Perfect boots him back to the floor to take over. So this would have been a pretty interesting World title feud for Warrior, with Perfect being the cerebral technician and Warrior needing to figure how to deal with him, but Perfect was firmly back in the midcard after Wrestlemania. Warrior back in the ring with a sunset flip for two, but Perfect cuts him off and goes to work on the back. Perfect with a standing dropkick for two. He goes to a rear chinlock and Warrior makes it to the ropes and does the comeback, filled with DESTRUCITY and rope shaking from all the drugs. Shoulderblock, gorilla press, and big splash ends it at 10:06 and that’s it for the kayfabe perfect record. This was phoned in like a couple of bored teenagers texting in the waiting room of a doctor’s office. *

Well this one shattered the streak of awesome MSG shows at (checks notes) one. Such is life. April is already done, so we’ll return after their 5 month hiatus with the September MSG show next time!