The SmarK Rant for WWF in Houston – 06.26.87

The SmarK Rant for WWF in Houston – 06.27.87

The Vault remains undefeated. I bow to their greatness.

https://youtu.be/MtIQWfE-k7E?si=FoWGtj7Ms5X7769K

Taped from Houston, TX

This is of course the sequel to the last show posted from the Houston Coliseum, which you can read here:

https://www.blogofdoom.com/rant/the-smark-rant-for-wwf-in-houston-06-07-87/

Bam Bam Bigelow v. Ken Johnson

This is so early in Bigelow’s WWF run that he hasn’t even switched to his bodysuit yet.  Bigelow throws him down and lets Johnson bounce off him helplessly before hiptossing him to the floor.  Back in the ring, Bam Bam with a delayed suplex, so delayed they should call it the Tesla Roadster.  A back elbow puts the geek back on the floor, and back in Bigelow does his cartwheel into a dropkick, which draws a big pop from the surprised fans who haven’t seen witchcraft like this before.  Bigelow with another suplex, not quite as delayed as the first one so it’s more of a Cybertruck.  Johnson makes a valiant comeback with some choking on the ropes, but Bigelow puts him down with a running headbutt and then finishes with a big splash at 7:12.  Total squash, of course.

The Killer Bees v. Frenchie Martin & Steve Lombardi

So we get a lot of nothing to start as the heels try some headlocks on the Bees while we overhear the sound crew AGAIN being unable to get the sound working.  Was it maintained by Microsoft’s Outlook team?  HEYO!  Anyway our bearded antagonists trap Brunzell in the corner and Frenchie takes him to the floor for some punishment out there.  Back in the ring for more generic double-teaming, but Jim gets a sunset flip on Frenchie for two.  Jim comes back with a kneelift as the crowd is shockingly engaged in this boring curtain-jerking match, and it’s hot tag Blair.  He runs wild and hits the hip attack on Lombardi for two, and Brunzell dropkicks him for the pin at 9:43.  Not much to the match but the crowd was going ape for it, so I can respect it on a professional level.  **1/4

SD Jones v. Mr. Fuji

So now we finally have some commentary from the electric duo of Peter Berkholtz and Paul Boesch.  Fuji of course loads up his tights with various weapons, at one point putting an ENTIRE FULL SIZED STEINWAY GRAND PIANO in his kneepad while the ref pats him down and somehow misses it.  Jones slugs away and puts him down with an elbow, but Fuji chops him down and hits the kamikaze headbutt to the groin.  So Jones slugs away on him, but the ref objects to the closed fist while Fuji loads up the piano stashed in his kneepad and hits Jones with it behind the idiot ref’s back.  There’s ivory keys all over the mat but the ref somehow misses it.  I’m assuming Jones’ hard head saved him from permanent brain damage there, although I’m more impressed that Fuji was able to lift the piano over his head at his age.  Respect.  Jones headbutts Fuj into the ropes and he’s tied up, so SD gets some more punches while the ref bitches, but Jones charges and runs into a foot, putting Fuji on top for the pin with the ropes at 4:18.  DUD

Sam Houston & Ted Dibiase v. One Man Gang & Outlaw Ron Bass

The babyfaces win a brawl to start and chase them to the floor.  Back in, our heroes clear the ring again, no doubt both completely unmotivated by money in any way.  Houston gets two on Bass and then dropkicks Gang off the apron.  Over to Dibiase and he actually grabs a headlock on Bass and then does the Robert Gibson headscissors takedown spot on Gang!  I’ve literally never seen Dibiase do that shit before.  Incredible.  He’s like a guy on the last night before his wedding doing all the crazy shit he always wanted to before turning heel for the rest of his career or getting married or wherever that metaphor was going, I dunno.  You think Microsoft Co-Pilot can give you quality observations like that?  I think not.  Back to Houston and he runs wild and dropkicks Gang into the ropes before whipping Bass into him, but Gang casually tosses Houston to the floor and Bass drops him on the railing.  A supportive Dibiase helps him back into the ring, where Bass chokes him out and gets a back elbow for two.  Bass whips him into the Gang for two and Gang stomps him down and drops a knee on him.  They keep beating Sam down with various clubbing forearms and Bass hits him with an atomic drop for two.  Houston fights back and they beat him down again and Gang chokes him out on the ropes using the dreaded Sweaty Ball Straddle, an inhumane punishment for anyone.  Finally Sam evades capture and makes the hot tag to Dibiase, who hits Bass with a dropkick to set up Houston tagging himself in right away and trying a bulldog.  But Bass shoves him off to block it and Sam throws dropkicks instead.  He misses one of them and Dibiase has had ENOUGH of this no-good kid stealing his limelight, as he comes into the ring, beating Houston down in disgust before tossing him out of the ring and smashing him facefirst into the post.  THAT’S FOR MARRYING BABY DOLL AND MAKING US WATCH HER EVERY WEEK IN 1986 YOU BASTARD!  And Dibiase walks out on the match, perhaps to go check on his stock options, leaving Houston for dead, to be pinned by Bass at 16:19.  ***. Dibiase was money.

Paul Orndorff v. Billy Jerk Haynes

It’s Mr. Wonderful v. Mr. Charged With Second Degree Murder And/Or Doing a Shitload of Drugs!

…allegedly.

Really rolls off the tongue. Boesch talking about the “merger” with the WWF is hilarious given how one-sided it was.  Yes, I’m sure Paul was happy to keep collecting a payday and not go out of business.  Haynes works a headlock and generally frustrates Paul, and may I just say how unfair it is that Orndorff didn’t make it into a happy old age but Haynes and Jake Roberts are somehow still walking the earth after keeping Pablo Escobar on speed dial like their own personal DoorDash and snorting the entire national export from Colombia in the 90s.

…allegedly.

Um, I’m gonna level with you, I’m not really paying that much attention to this match and it’s not very good and it’s more fun to libel Haynes.  Let’s skip ahead to Orndorff trying the piledriver and Haynes backdropping out of it, allowing Billy to make the comeback with an atomic drop.  Clothesline gets two.  Orndorff sends him to the apron and knees him to the floor, but Haynes gets a sunset flip back into the ring for two.  Crossbody and Paul rolls through for two, but Haynes gets a backslide for two.  He goes for the full nelson, but Orndorff makes the ropes to break, so it’s more like a glass half-empty nelson, and Paul grabs a chair and nails him for the DQ at 11:50.  **1/2.  This was fine.

…allegedly.

The Islanders v. The Can Am Connection

The ring announcer I believe announces them as “Haku and Temu”, so I guess he’s a knockoff Samoan.  Martel controls Tama with armdrags, but goes for a leapfrog on Haku and misses, landing on the corner to put the Islanders in control. That looked awkward.  Haku stomps him down and chokes him out while Boesch claims that their bare feet are harder than any shoes they could wear, thanks to years of “walking on the Samoan sands”.  Well he tried.  Over to “Taka” as Paul calls him, who goes to a nerve pinch on Martel to retain control.  Haku with more choking, but he misses an elbow and it’s hot tag Zenk.  He throws dropkicks, but Haku pulls down the top rope and Tom bumps to the floor to put the Islanders back in control.  Haku with a gut wrench slam for two.  Tama with the nerve pinch, but Zenk comes back with a rollup for two.  Blind charge misses, which Boesch describes as “the immovable ringpost got him in the shoulder”.  Who TALKS like that?  Haku with a facelock and we get the false tag to trigger a brawl, and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA.  The Islanders collide and Martel puts Haku in an abdominal stretch, but Tama breaks it up, so Zenk comes off the top with a flying bodypress and pins him at 11:33.  Just a normal house show match between these two.  **3/4

WWF title:  Hulk Hogan v. Kamala

As part of my ongoing commitment to personal growth and in accordance with the terms of my disciplinary probation stemming from that Superstars 89 review that went a little overboard according to some people, I have been instructed by the Blog of Doom Human Resources Department to identify five positive qualities about Hulk Hogan.

The following statements have been reviewed for compliance with company policy.

1. Hulk Hogan was very good at wearing yellow. Not everyone can pull that off. Big Bird, for example, has never drawn a dime.
2. Hulk Hogan helped put a lot of people through college. Mostly the children of divorce attorneys, but education is important.
3. Hulk Hogan was remarkably consistent. No matter who he was wrestling, what year it was, or how talented his opponent might be, you could always count on him to have the exact same match.
4. Hulk Hogan inspired millions of children to say their prayers and take their vitamins. The fact that he eventually had to testify under oath about some of the other things he was taking is irrelevant to this discussion and HR has asked me to stop bringing it up.
5. Hulk Hogan is no longer capable of disappointing me. This represents tremendous personal growth on both our parts.

(Editor’s Note: HR has determined that this exercise satisfies the minimum requirements of the Performance Improvement Plan, although concerns remain regarding the employee’s attitude.

Further incidents may result in mandatory sensitivity training conducted by Brother Bruti and HR will be reviewing the rest of this document for further infractions.)

Kamala leapfrogs him and puts him down with a headbutt in a pretty impressive show of athletic prowess for a cannibal.

…allegedly.

Kamala beats him down with chops and chokes him out, but Hulk pops up, only to get beaten down again for two.  Kamala with the slam and he goes up to the top, but Hogan crawls away like a coward.  Sorry, I meant, strategically retreats to regroup.  He hulks up and hits the big boot, and then slams Kamala and drops the leg for the pin at 6:24.  And then he beats up Kamala and Fuji and Kimchee all by himself because he’s the toughest.

…allegedly.

So overall, this was certainly a show that happened.  But it’s very cool for the Vault to rescue it from the lost media pile and present it in full, and Dibiase’s heel turn (before he even debuted on TV) is a wonderfully batshit crazy piece of wrestling history that deserves to be archived.

Now I gotta go fill out more stupid paperwork for BOD HR.