The SmarK Rant for Andre The Giant

Well, in honor of the HBO doc tonight (or last night, I guess), this seems like an appropriate time to review this set of matches on the Network. It’s under “Shows” and then “Collections” in case you’d like to watch it, by the way.

Andre the Giant v. Ernie Ladd (04.26.76)

Ladd is someone who I really wish had more footage out there because he seems like he’s really underappreciated. This is from the WWF in 1976, and Vince notes that Andre is “still a growing boy”. That’s scary. Ladd stalls for as long as possible and then Andre immediately pounds him down and goes to a nerve pinch to hold him down. He whips Ladd around the ring and actually moves the ring in the process, and that’s a pretty cool visual. Bearhug, but Ladd goes the eyes, which Andre cheerfully ignores and goes right back to hugging again. Ladd gets some more shots in the corner, but Andre fires back with chops and Ladd goes flying, selling like he’s been shot. Andre goes to work on the leg and then destroys him in the corner with a headbutt, pulls him up, and fires off ANOTHER headbutt. Finally Ernie has no choice but to cheat, loading up his taped thumb with something to gain the advantage. He’s facing a literal giant! You can’t even blame him! Ladd fires away with the thumb, but finally Andre has had enough of that shit and grabs his hand, hitting Ladd with his own loaded thumb! Tremendous. Backdrop follows, but the big splash misses and Ladd decides that discretion is the better part of valor on this night, and walks out at 12:20. Well, Andre got the moral victory there. 1 for 1.

Bruiser Brody & The Executioners v. Andre the Giant, Chief Jay Strongbow & Billy White Wolf

Also from the WWF in 1976, and this is best 3/5 falls. So I believe one of the Executioners is young John “Studd” Minton, but I’m not sure who the other one is. A quick search reveals that it is in fact Killer Kowalski. Continuing the theme of interesting repackagings, the “native American” star Billy White Wolf would go on to much greater fame as Sheik Adnan Al-Kaissie, aka General Adnan. White Wolf immediately gets trapped in the heel corner and worked over, but gets Strongbow in there and Brody bearhugs him for a while. Jay escapes and tags in Andre, and he cleans house for his useless partners and puts the squeeze on Brody. The Executioners break it up, so Andre goes and wallops them off the apron and then goes back to beating on Bruiser in the corner. Finally the heels take advantage of referee incompetence and clip Andre’s knee, working it over on the mat. Andre reaches for the tag, basically from the other corner, and White Wolf comes in and slams #1 for two. That should be worth $10,000! #2 comes in and drops a knee on White Wolf and that’s the first fall at 8:57.

Second fall and the heels continue beating up White Wolf in their corner, but Brody misses a kneedrop and it’s hot tag Strongbow. White Wolf chops #2 down and pins him at 11:36 to even things up. I should note that Brody looks a lot thicker here, as I’m assuming this was before he switched to an all-tuna diet like in later years. Seriously, he apparently used to eat nothing but canned tuna for protein every day.

Third fall and the Executioners try to switch out, but the ref catches them and makes #2 start as intended. The faces triple team him in the corner and everyone comes in the ring as the referee completely loses control and throws out the match, then changes his mind and awards the fall to the babyfaces by DQ at 16:00. This is some shoddy refereeing from Dick Kroll. Even Vince thinks it’s questionable judgment, since all six guys were fighting.

Fourth fall and Strongbow gets caught in the heel corner and choked out with the tag rope, and they work him over while he does his shitty selling. Seriously, how did someone as terrible as Strongbow stay in such a high position on the card for so long? He barely even sells for the heels, and it’s back to Andre to again clean up the mess that his idiot partners have left. Big boot and splash for #1 finishes the match at 20:59. They better buy Andre 105 beers or whatever his usual amount was for bailing them out on that one. 1 for 2.

Andre’s Feats of Strength (1976)

In a Festivus miracle, Andre wins a tug of war with ten men! 1 for 3.

Cheap Tactics (1979)

Vince interviews Andre on All Star Wrestling, still trying to use his Howard Cosell cadence at that point. He talks up Andre’s undefeated streak and notes that someday, someone will beat him. This brings out Freddie Blassie and his young punk Hulk Hogan. So apparently they’ll wrestle next week. Like anyone would want to see that match. So the next week, they actually do the match and Andre overpowers him, but Hogan SLAMS him with ease to take over. So there’s another myth shot down completely. Andre comes back with his own slam and hits a big boot, but misses a splash and Blassie loads up Hogan’s elbow pad. Andre makes the comeback, but Hogan lays him out with the Axe Bomber and Andre is busted open. Hogan and Blassie just decide to leave at that point and declare victory at 4:00. Andre is PISSED and screams at them on the way out. 2 for 4.

Hulk Hogan v. Andre the Giant

From Showdown at Shea in 1980, and they’re using the WWE 24/7 version with Cole and Foley on commentary here. Hulk starts with the headlock and Andre casually lifts him off the mat, then applies his own headlock. Hulk is unable to overpower him, and Andre surfboards him and throws headbutts, and Hulk can’t wrestle out of it so he forearms out of it instead. That just annoys Andre, and he headbutts Hulk into the corner, but Hulk comes back with a bearhug while Foley gets fixated on Hulk’s hairy back. Andre headbutts out and Hulk bails for some advice from Freddie Blassie. It apparently doesn’t help, as Andre suplexes him back in, but he misses the splash. Hulk pounds away, but Andre hammerlocks him and follows with a slam. Well Hogan would get his receipt 7 years later. The ref gets bumped off that and Hulk jumps Andre from behind and gets his own slam, but Andre splashes him for the shady pin at 7:45, as Hogan clearly kicked out at 2. So in fact both times Andre pinned Hogan, he actually kicked out at two. Weird. Anyway, there you go: Andre was definitely slammed before Wrestlemania III, for those of you still holding onto your childhood memories of the buildup, and we’ve just seen it TWICE on this collection. 3 for 5.

The Big Picture

Vince shows us the famous picture of Andre holding up 4 women on his shoulders, and we go to an interview on WWF TV that is also famous because Andre is suddenly two feet taller than Vince because he’s standing on a milk crate to increase the illusion. Vince is a smart guy. And then he signed Big Show years later and completely ignored every lesson he learned with Andre. 4 for 6.

Mongolian Stretcher Match: Andre the Giant v. Killer Khan (11.14.81)

OH YEAH. Another famous match, as Khan broke Andre’s ankle and now he’s going to pay. In fact, Andre broke his ankle getting out of bed and they came up with this story to cover it up and struck gold. Khan attacks to start, and Andre is like…yeah…no. Andre beats him down and splashes him, then calls for the stretcher already, but Khan escapes it. Khan of course goes for the ankle and ties up Andre’s foot in the ropes and beats on it. Trainers try to put Andre on the stretcher, but he makes a terrifying comeback and hurls the stretcher at Khan. Well OK then. Andre continues the abuse and tries to put him on the stretcher with no luck, and then chokes him on the bottom rope until the ref calls for the stretcher. Andre then throws the stretcher away because HE’S NOT DONE, FUCKER, and just destroys Khan with butt splashes. Khan stupidly continues the fight and won’t let go of the ropes, so Andre is like “It’s your funeral” and absolutely beats the hell out of him with a suplex and more splashes until Khan is no longer getting up at 9:45. The lesson: DO NOT ANGER THE GIANT. 5 for 7.

Blackjack Mulligan v. Andre the Giant (1982)

Mulligan attacks before the bell and that goes very badly for him, as he tries the claw and Andre just catches his hand like he’s a child and tries to twist it off. Andre with a bearhug and Mulligan tries to use the claw to escape, so Andre chastises him again and grabs the hand, then beats him down with a headbutt. Really, what’s Blackjack gonna do if he gets that claw? Have you SEEN Andre’s head? He’s like a dog chasing a car. Blackjack keeps going for the claw and Andre continues beating him up, but he misses a splash and now Mulligan is like “Aha! It’s claw time!” And then Andre grabs the hand again and this time rams it into the turnbuckle bolt. This guy never learns. Andre beats on him in the corner, but finally Mulligan goes with a nerve pinch variant of the claw. Andre fights out, but Mulligan finally gets the proper claw, and they tumble out to the floor for the double countout at 8:36. Andre gets cut open by the loaded clawhold and he’s FURIOUS, and throws chairs into the ring to express his outrage. Mulligan wisely runs away at this point. The ending almost pushed it over the top, but there was just not enough there to warrant a point. 5 for 8. THE BOUT HAS BEEN DECLARED A DRAW according to the graphics.

A Big Florida Man (1981)

Andre shows up in Florida, as indicated by the title, and we get some 8mm video of Andre hanging out backstage with Dusty Rhodes, and then highlights of a tag match against what appears to be Bob Roop and someone I don’t immediately recognize without commentary. Seems like an exciting match, though. 6 for 9.

Dreams Come True (1982)

This is from the Mid-South show I just reviewed a couple of weeks back.

DREAM MATCH: Andre the Giant & Junkyard Dog & Dusty Rhodes v. Ernie Ladd & The Wild Samoans

JYD and Dusty double-team Sika to start and Dog gets two, and then Andre comes in and just whomps on the Samoans by himself, even ramming their heads together and making them sell! Ladd comes in and Andre just manhandles him, sending him flying with a chop before taking him down with a headlock. Ernie looked like he didn’t wanna go down, but if Andre says go down, you go down. Unfortunately, the Giant gets caught in the heel corner and finally three of them at once slow him down, but Andre literally walks out of the corner with a Samoan on his back, dragging him over to the babyface corner to bring in Dusty. What a great spot. Dusty goes to work on Ladd’s leg and Ernie runs away, but Afa comes in and Andre just puts him down with a big boot for two. Finally the heels triple-team Andre again and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA as Dusty and Dog double-backdrop Ladd, and then Andre hits him with a running splash to finish at 6:46. This felt like six big stars having a fun match. 7 for 10.

Continuing on with more Andre, we pick things up again in 1982 Mid-South.

Andre the Giant, Junkyard Dog & Mil Mascaras v. Gino Hernandez, Killer Khan & Tully Blanchard (10.30.82)

Now that is quite the six-man. I should note that whoever did the description for the Network has this listed as “Hercules Hernandez”, which is a drastically different thing from Gino. This is a clip from Houston and the video is bathed in purple for whatever reason. The heels all go after the ankle, his literal Achilles heel as Bill Watts notes. They work it over for a couple of minutes but of course Mil Mascaras comes in during a melee and gets the pin at 3:00. Nothing to this one. 0 for 1.

The Size of a Giant

This is also from Mid-South and was previously on the Hidden Gems collection, where Bill Watts compares the size of his boots and coat to Andre’s. Bill’s still a pretty big guy, actually.

Giant-Mania

From the AWA in late 82, as Mean Gene interviews young Hulk Hogan about his war with the Heenan Family and Hulk calls in the “heavy artillery” in the form of Andre the Giant. This sets up a battle royal with most of the big names of the time (Hogan, Andre, the High Flyers, Blackwell, Heenan, Martel, Adonis, Patera, Bockwinkel, Von Raschke, and a bunch of scrubs). Winner gets $50,000, or least that I assume that’s what Verne promised and then changed his mind. It’s a small ring so it’s tough to follow much in the sea of wrestlers. Andre throws out Ray Stevens but otherwise there’s just a lot of guys falling to the apron and then rolling back in over and over. Poor Rene Goulet goes out on a stretcher and ring announcer Mean Gene is like “Sgt. Goulet goes out on a stretcher. Very dangerous match!” Finally the herd is thinned out to a more manageable number of guys so the commentator can actually follow what’s going on. Bockwinkel throwing out Martel highlights the bizarre physics of wrestling, where you can grab someone by the back of the neck and compel them to run and jump over the top rope. Things get thinned out to Hogan, Andre and the High Flyers against Heenan and his various heel cronies. Then it’s down to Hogan & Andre v. The Heenan Family and to say the crowd is behind Hogan would be a gross understatement. Andre clobbers Blackwell and El-Kaissie out by himself and then goes after the Heenan crew, booting out Duncam and then compelling Bobby to fling himself out of the ring in terror in a hilarious spot. Andre eliminates himself to continue chasing Bobby, leaving Hulk alone with Bockwinkel and Patera, and Hulk makes a comeback that has the arena almost literally shaking, before tossing them both out for the win at 19:52. The Family goes for the beatdown afterwards, and Andre destroys them all. The ending to that was pretty great and this Hogan kid really has something. 1 for 2.

AWA World title: Nick Bockwinkel v. Andre the Giant

Still in the AWA in 1982, at a show in Winnipeg, and even super-confident Bockwinkel is second-guessing this one. The commentator, Larry Matysik, notes that Bockwinkel had just regained the title from Otto Wanz in Chicago, so at least this one is easy to verify the timeframe. Andre immediately chases Bockwinkel to the floor and then grabs a standing chinlock on the way into the ring, and Bockwinkel runs away again. Back in, Andre grabs the head again and gets a suplex this time, but misses a headbutt. Bockwinkel hits him in the head with a running knee, but walks into a bearhug. Bockwinkel uses a cheapshot to escape, so Andre gives him an annoyed glare and headbutts him into the corner. Bockwinkel tries to throw chops, so Andre just unloads on him and Nick goes flying out of the ring. Back in, Bockwinkel grabs a headlock and tries to take him down, and that goes about as well as you’d expect, with Bockwinkel getting thrown off and running into Andre’s ass. Finally Nick gets a knee into the back of Andre to slow him down, and he goes to work on that. He tries a figure-four for some reason, and Andre kicks him off and out of the ring. Back in, Bockwinkel goes back to the back again and then puts him in a sleeper on the mat. Hey, it worked for Inigo Montoya! Andre fights out, so Nick hits him in the back again to put him down and then goes back to the sleeper. Finally Andre fights out for good and pounds on Bockwinkel in the corner, but he’s still shaken up. So instead he gets revenge by literally tying Bockwinkel’s head in the ropes and choking him down that way, and then makes the comeback with a backdrop, but misses a blind charge and runs into the post. Bockwinkel works him over in the corner while Bobby grabs Andre’s leg, so referee Larry Hennig calls the DQ at 17:00 and then beats up Bockwinkel himself while Andre takes care of Heenan. A legit great match thanks to Bockwinkel knowing exactly how to play to Andre’s strength. 2 for 3.

Who’s Slamming Who? (06.10.82)

So we’re off to World Class now, with a body slam challenge at the Fritz Von Erich retirement show at Texas Stadium. Eliminations come via body slam and the whole thing comes down to Andre and Bugsy McGraw after 3 minutes of nothing. Bugsy tries and fails to get Andre up a few times and then Andre casually slams him to win at 5:58. 2 for 4.

“Fight to the Finish” – King Kong Bundy v. Kerry Von Erich v. Wild Bill Irwin v. Terry Gordy v. Bugsy McGraw v. Andre the Giant

More World Class from early 83. This is more like a mini-battle royal, with eliminations coming via over-the-top. Kerry is still a little bit salty at Terry Gordy over the whole cage door thing, and he immediately gets tossed out but keeps attacking the Freebirds anyway. Bugsy gets thrown out by the heels, leaving Andre alone with Gordy, Irwin and Bundy, and Andre throttles Gordy on the mat while the others beat on him to break him free. Andre casually throws the other two heels off and goes back to choking out the treacherous Gordy on behalf of Kerry and he’s not even trying to win. Finally all three of them manage to get Andre down…for about 3 seconds, and Andre just shakes them loose and goes back to trying to murder Terry Gordy. All three again team up and Irwin pounds away on Andre while the other two hold his arms, and you know this isn’t gonna end up well for anyone. Irwin is finally like “Oh yeah, I got this!” and makes one big charge, and of course at that point Andre has had enough of his shit and tosses him out. Andre then eliminates himself to chase Michael Hayes away, leaving Gordy and Bundy, and Bundy misses the Avalanche to give Gordy the win at 13:10. Really entertaining match. 3 for 5.

A Natural Attraction

Back to the WWF in 1983, as Andre is the guest on “Buddy Rogers’ Corner” and Buddy highlights a bunch of trophies from various promoters in the world listing his accomplishments.

Cage match: Andre the Giant v. Big John Studd

This is from Philly in 84, and I’m not sure I’ve seen this one before but it’s probably the one from “Inside the Steel Cage”. Unfortunately we’re now at the point where Andre’s body completely fell apart on him, even as wrestling was exploding. Studd attacks to start and Andre fights him off and runs him into the cage a few times and Studd is busted open. Studd slugs back on him and calls for the door, but Andre trips him up and keeps him in the ring. Studd sends him into the cage and goes for the door again, but Andre grabs the leg. Studd chokes him down on the mat, but Andre puts him down again and drops a leg on the back of his neck, then slams Studd and goes up with a flying buttdrop off the top and walks out at 9:55. Yeah, that’s pretty definitive. 4 for 6 just for the finish.

$10,000 Body Slam Challenge: Big John Studd v. Andre the Giant

And this is of course from the first Wrestlemania, as Andre slams Studd in a terrible match. 4 for 7.

Andre the Giant v. Rowdy Roddy Piper

This is set up by a Piper’s Pit where Piper mouths off to Andre repeatedly and brags that he could slam Andre himself given 5:00, so Andre calls him on his bullshit and we get the match at the Spectrum. That Piper’s Pit gives us the classic “You do not throw rocks at a man with a machine gun” line from Piper, by the way. Andre rips Piper’s gear off and beats him with his own belt, as Piper retreats and yells at the fans for a while. Piper yells at Andre from behind the post, so Andre grabs his arms and pulls, giving us a classic Piper terrified reaction shot. Finally Piper uses the wrist tape and chokes Andre, so Andre just grabs the tape and does it right back. Talk about throwing rocks at a man with a machine gun. Piper finally gets some shots in the corner , but that just angers Andre even more and he whips Piper out of the ring, at which point Roddy decides to fight another day and wisely walks out at 4:49. Tremendous stuff, with Piper opening his mouth one time too many and paying the price. 5 for 7.

Rolling on as we get into the Hulkamania era and Andre’s body really starts to fall apart…

Cage match: Andre the Giant v. Kamala

The finish of this one is on the “Inside the Steel Cage” video, but this is the full match from Toronto in October of 1984. I can’t imagine the full match being any good, but that’s what the Network is for! Andre is literally as tall as the cage, which is crazy. Andre immediately goes after Kamala and sits on him a few times, but Kamala gets a foreign object from Friday and goes to work on Andre. This merely annoys Andre and he beats on Kamala against the cage, which has Kamala running for the door. That doesn’t work, so Kamala tries to climb instead, and Andre hauls him back in. Kamala takes over with chops and a pair of splashes, but he doesn’t understand the concept of escaping the cage and goes for a pin instead. Kamala is CHOPPING and CHOPPING and CHOPPING (to quote Bryan and Filthy Tom) and somehow Andre is bleeding from those. Andre comes back and pounds on Kamala in the corner, but Kamala runs him into the cage and goes for the door. They fight by the door and Kamala is CHOPPING and CHOPPING and CHOPPING, but Andre keeps holding the foot and preventing his escape. They choke each other down and Andre wins that battle and makes the comeback. Andre with his own chops, and he slams Kamala and goes up to finish him off with the flying ass, then walks out at 13:46. The finish couldn’t overcome the boredom of the match. 0 for 1.

Horse of a Different Color

Andre appears on Blackjack Mulligan’s interview segment, having lost another of Mulligan’s horses due to exhaustion. Just a quick segment.

Big Man, Big Personality

From Tuesday Night Titans, Andre is interviewed by Vince and shows off his giant boots, covers Alfred’s face with one hand, and then sings The Fish Song with the house reggae band. A very charming segment. 1 for 2.

Wrestler/Football player Battle Royale:

Jimbo Covert, Pedro Morales, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi, Harvey Martin, Dan Spivey, Hillbilly Jim, King Tonga, The Iron Sheik, Ernie Holmes, B. Brian Blair, Jim Brunzell, Big John Studd, Bill Fralic, Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, Russ Francis, Bruno Sammartino, William “Refrigerator” Perry and Andre the Giant are the entrants. William Perry is in the WWE Hall of Fame, so he’s gotta be good, right? I mean, they don’t just let ANYONE in. Tonga and a football player are the first out, and it’s just a big mass of guys milling around. Everyone gangs up on Brunzell for some reason and dumps him, and Bruno dumps Tony Atlas. Brian Blair and Iron Sheik slug it out in the corner and I’m praying that Sheik eliminates him so I can go for the obvious joke. Sadly, Ted Arcidi breaks it up and gets sent out by another roving gang as a result. Sheik backdrops Spivey out and then, YES, HE HUMBLES B. BRIAN BLAIR!!! I have to take my entertainment where I can get it. Having fulfilled my petty, petty entertainment needs, Bruno disposes of Sheik. More people go out and Fridge has a showdown with Studd and goes out as a result, but then he does the Hulk Hogan move and pulls Studd out. That was a Hall of Fame level double-cross. So we’ve got Andre, Russ Francis and the Hart Foundation, and really the odds weren’t good when it was 19 guys against Andre. The Harts dispose of Francis and work Andre over, but Bret walks into a big boot and Andre has had enough. Bing bang bong and Andre wins at 9:04. 1 for 3.

A Two-Headed Beast

From Primetime Wrestling, as we get the recap of the amazing Piper’s Pit angle where Jesse Ventura reveals his theory that Andre is now aligned with Bobby Heenan. So the next week, Piper produces Hogan and Ventura produces Andre, and we get the amazing heel turn where Andre calmly challenges Hulk to the main event of Wrestlemania III and tears the cross off his neck. Man, the kids in school were going SOOOOO nuts for this the next day. 2 for 4.

And of course…

WWF World title: Hulk Hogan v. Andre The Giant

Staredown to start and Hogan goes for the slam, but Andre falls on top for two. Hogan immediately starts selling the back like death and Andre pounds on him and slams him. Andre whips him into the corner, barely mobile at this point in his career, and slowly headbutts the back before missing a headbutt. Hogan slugs away, but can’t knock him down, and makes the mistake of charging, which allows Andre to get a boot up and then go to the BEARHUG OF DOOM. That goes on for a while until Hogan slugs out of it, but still can’t knock Andre down. Andre puts him down with a boot and another one puts Hogan on the floor and they slowly brawl. Andre headbutts the post and sportsman Hulk pulls up the mats and tries to piledrive his longtime friend on the concrete (Just because he asked for a title shot after 3 years!) but Andre reverses out of it. Back in, Hogan finally knocks him down and hulks up, and it’s slam bam thank you ma’am at 11:58. History-wise, it was huge, but as a match it was slow and dull and just generally awful. The bearhug spot in particular sucked all the life out of the match. 2 for 5.

Hulk Hogan, Bam Bam Bigelow, Don Muraco, Paul Orndorff & Ken Patera v. Andre The Giant, One Man Gang, King Kong Bundy, Butch Reed & Rick Rude.

Muraco starts with Rude and they slug it out, which leads to Rude getting double-teamed in the face corner. Orndorff comes in and gets a kneelift, and it’s over to Hogan for the clothesline and elbows. Bam Bam adds a running splash and a press slam, and Patera comes in, which allows Rude to tag Reed in. Patera cradles for two and Muraco adds a dropkick, as does Orndorff. Reed misses a blind charge and Hogan drops the leg at 3:03. Now that’s a dominating performance. So Andre is in and Hogan conveniently tags out to Patera, then whines about it for 15 minutes. If you’re so hot for Andre, why not just tag back in again? Patera pounds on Bundy instead of Andre, and puts him down with a clothesline, but Gang comes in and gets into a slugfest with Orndorff. Paul runs into a knee, however, and Rude hammers him with forearms. Orndorff comes back with a clothesline and the Boogie Woogie Elbow for two, and it’s over to Muraco for a clubbing clothesline. Rude uses the old thumb to the eye and brings the Gang in, but he misses a splash in the corner and Muraco tags Patera. Patera with a nice bodypress for two and hits a high knee in the corner, but Gang goes to the eyes and Patera gets stuck in the heel corner. Gang holds a front facelock and pounds him on the ropes, then falls on top of him with a clothesline for the pin at 8:52.

Hogan comes in and gets a corner clothesline on Gang, and he and Bigelow add a double-boot. Gang and Bigelow collide, however, and Gang tags to Rude while Bam Bam tags Orndorff. Orndorff with the suplex and elbow on Rude, and a backdrop sets up the piledriver, but Bundy breaks it up and Rude pins Orndorff with a handful of tights at 10:25. Muraco immediately attacks while Rude is posing, and Bigelow suplexes him to set up a high knee from Hogan, and a Muraco powerslam puts Rude out of his misery at 11:13. They announcers were right, Rude was having a rough night. Bundy misses a kneedrop on Muraco and Don goes to work on the leg and tries to slam Gang, which results in Gang falling on top for two. Gang whips Muraco into Andre’s head, and the 747 splash finishes at 12:59. Hogan of course whines about that, too.

Bam Bam comes in and tries a sunset flip on Gang, but gets sat on. Bundy gets a clothesline which Bigelow sells like Marty Jannetty, and that gets two. Gang pounds on Bammer and chokes him out on the ropes, as does Bundy. Gang elbows him down and Bundy throws some mean forearms to put him down, and that gets two. Bam Bam tries to crawl for the tag, but Andre comes in, and that brings Hulk in. He fires away on Andre and they trade chops in the corner, but Hulk gets the advantage and rams Andre into the turnbuckles. Bundy trips him up, however, and Hulk gets preoccupied with Bundy and Gang and gets counted out at 18:11. It’s your own fault, Hulk. And of course he bitches and moans about that, too. So that leaves Bam Bam by himself against Andre, Bundy and Gang, which doesn’t seem like great odds. Bammer tries it anyway, clotheslining Bundy down and dropping an elbow for two. Headbutt gets two. Dropkick and he goes to work on the leg, then dodges the Avalanche and slingshots in for the pin at 20:46. Gang takes the next shot, choking Bigelow out on the ropes and pounding on the neck, and a clothesline gets two. Bigelow slugs back, but Gang runs him into Andre’s boot and goes up. Flying splash misses and Bam Bam gets the pin at 23:06. However, he’s done, and Andre casually comes in and beats him into silly putty and pins him with the suplex thing at 24:21. A valiant effort by Bam Bam Bigelow. I really dug this match and you could tell everyone was fired up for it. **** Dig the tag team continuity from the faces here and the super pace by the super-heavyweight standards. Survivor: Andre the Giant. Really, the babyfaces winning the other three matches should have foreshadowed that result. And of course, whiny baby Hulk Hogan won’t even let him have his moment of glory, as he runs in and attacks Andre after his totally clean win over Bigelow. Jesse tells it like it is, saying that Hogan should have taken his defeat like a man and just stayed in the back. 3 for 6.

WWF World title: Hulk Hogan v. Andre the Giant

This did ungodly numbers and blows away all other ratings for wrestling matches. It also has one of the most famous finishes in history. As a match, not so good. Another first here as it marks the debut of the classic winged eagle WWF title belt, although Hulk’s pre-match interview sees him wearing the older design. Pretty big production gaffe there. Amazingly, that belt design would last for 10 years, second only to the Big Gold Belt (23 years and counting!) and the current I-C title (11 years and sorely in need of a redo). (Or in this case, a return to the previous belt.) Hulk cleans house on Dibiase and Virgil to start and then slugs away on Andre, but can’t knock him down. Hulk tries a corner clothesline, but still can’t punch him down, even after spinning his arm around like Popeye! That would KILL a normal man! He finally tries to go up, but Andre slams him off and then misses a headbutt. Andre chokes him out and stomps him, then puts him down with the headbutts. Big boot puts Hulk on the floor, and Virgil sends him back in for some more choking. Hogan fights up and slugs away in the corner, then gets a flying clothesline and drops the leg. The ref is busy with Virgil, and Andre headbutts Hogan from behind and suplexes him for the pin and the title at 9:04, despite Hogan’s shoulder being up at one. Pff, technicalities. So Andre immediately surrenders the title to Ted Dibiase as Hogan cries like a little bitch instead of manning up and doing something about it. I really wish 24/7 would show one of the house shows with Dibiase “defending” the title against Bam Bam Bigelow, for historical reasons if nothing else. I don’t know if any of them were taped for TV, though. Anyway, the really shocking thing here is that this isn’t even the worst refereeing job Earl Hebner would do in his career. Much better than their Wrestlemania match. That’s not saying much. 4 for 7.

Hulk Hogan v. Andre the Giant

The exciting quasi-main event of Wrestlemania IV. This feud is one of those cases where they started out with a bad match and got worse each time. Andre attacks to start, as vigorously as he could move by that point, and pounds Hogan with the CLUBBING FOREARMS. Having seen Hogan wrestle Big Show a million times, Andre really doesn’t look that tall here. Hogan fights back with clotheslines and goes after Dibiase, then rams him into Andre and starts throwing chops. Andre falls into the ropes and gets tangled up, so Hogan capitalizes by tearing his shirt off and posing. Well, no one ever said he was a great strategist. He slugs on Andre to no avail, and Andre finally goes down. He drops elbows, but Andre chokes him down on the mat. Andre is painfully slow here. Dibiase gets his shots in from the outside, and Andre chokes him from behind and turns it into a VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM. Andre continues choking, but Hulk miraculously comes back, which is a development I didn’t expect at all. Punch punch punch clothesline and Hogan goes for the slam, but Dibiase brings in a chair and breaks it up. Our combatants fight over it, and it’s a double DQ at 5:14, giving the winner of Dibiase v. Muraco a free trip to the finals. Horrible, horrible stuff, as Andre was obviously in no shape to be out there. Hogan, sportsman that he is, beats up Virgil and nearly kills him with a suplex on the floor because he didn’t want to go down with him. And then he slams Andre too. What a hero. 4 for 8.

Who’s sick of these yet? Well, now we’re really getting into the bottom of the barrel for Andre’s career, sadly. Let’s put on a pot of coffee and wrap this one up.

Lumberjack match: Andre the Giant v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan

From MSG in July of ’88, with the dream team of Lord Alfred, Sean Mooney and Superstar Graham on commentary. Fitting that Duggan would be in a LUMBERjack match, huh? SEE WHAT I DID THERE? BECAUSE HE USES A 2X4. OK, clearly I’m not working to the right crowd here. Duggan stalls and yells a lot to start, but Andre gets some shots in the corner and slugs Duggan down. Watching Andre walk out there is actively painful. Andre drops the ASS OF DEATH on Duggan in the corner a few times, and Mooney notes that he’s knocked Duggan senseless. Seriously, how would you tell the difference? Duggan comes back and Andre gets tied up in the ropes as per his contract, but Andre escapes and hugs Duggan in the corner. Not bearhugs, just…hugs. Andre grabs a standing chinlock and uses the strap to choke him out, and then bites the thumb so that Duggan is unable to give a thumbs up and go “Hoooo”, thus robbing him of 15% of his offense. Andre with the bearhug and that goes badly for Duggan, so Superstar suggests a thumb to the eye to break. Instead, Duggan punches him in the nose and makes the comeback. Andre blocks the running clothesline by punching him in the face and then undoes the turnbuckle and whips Duggan into it. Andre derides Duggan’s so-called “tough guy” character, but Duggan rams him into the exposed turnbuckle in response. Don Muraco throws the illegal board into the ring and Duggan hits the Giant with it, sending him to the floor, but good luck to the lumberjacks getting him back in. And in fact Andre just clobbers all the geeks and heads back into the ring himself, because FUCK THEM. Duggan charges again, but Andre catches him, rams him into the exposed steel, and drops the elbow at 12:35 to finish it. OK, everyone was working hard here. 1 for 1.

WWF title: Randy Savage v. Andre the Giant

No idea where this is from. Looks like a dark match of some sort, apparently in Los Angeles according to the commentary. It’s lit and shot like a TV taping but there’s no identifying banners, so I guess it’s just one of those televised LA Sports Arena shows. We get the big stall to start as Bobby Heenan is sent to the back for harassing Liz and Andre argues that point for a while. Savage comes in throwing punches, but Andre tosses him and then blatantly chokes Savage out back in the ring. Like, the guy is literally throttling Savage with both hands and Hebner won’t even count! This might be the worst refereeing job that Earl Hebner will ever do. Andre chokes him out with the shoulder strap and headbutts Macho out of the ring. Back in, Savage slugs back. So this is clearly Monsoon and Graham clumsily overdubbed, because there is literally no sound coming from the ring and it’s REALLY distracting. Like, they managed to completely mix the ring mic out, although some of the background crowd noise has at least survived. It’s just creepy to see Savage bumping around and no sounds resulting. Andre gets tied in the ropes and Savage works him over, but Andre headbutts him down and chokes away in the corner. He undoes the turnbuckle, but tries a headbutt and misses, knocking himself out in the process. Savage keeps running him into the turnbuckle until he goes down, and Savage pops up with the flying elbow, which gets two. I know it’s Andre, but Savage was the top guy and World champion…he should have stayed down. Andre rolls out and they both get counted out at 10:30 instead. Really bad finish, slow and plodding match where Andre wouldn’t give Savage anything. 1 for 2.

WWF World title: Randy Savage v. Andre the Giant.

This is from SNME 18. Ugly pea-soup green tights for Macho tonight, my least favourite variant. Savage tries the boxing in the corner, but Andre boots him down and grabs a facelock in the corner. Andre rams him in the corner, but Savage hits him with a knee to the back before Andre goes back to his facelock again. Andre switches to the choking with the strap and headbutts him, but Savage keeps fighting in the corner. Andre headbutts him again and goes back to choking, but Randy uses a jawjacker to break free. He slugs away in the corner, but Andre chokes him down again. Savage goes up with the double axehandle as Jake Roberts joins us to further that ridiculous feud. So the match grinds to a halt as the ref kicks Roberts out and we take a break. Back with Savage jumping Andre from behind while Bobby searches for the snake. Andre smacks Savage down and gets all worked up about the snake while Heenan tears ringside apart. Savage uses the distraction to keep on the attack, but he can’t take Andre off his feet. Savage chases after Heenan and gets attacked by Andre again as a result, and finally Bobby finds Damian. And it turns into a big schmoz at 8:42 with everyone running in. Decent enough, but it didn’t actually lead to a finish and Savage looked really weak selling like a jobber for Andre at that point in both of their careers. Savage, the World champion, got no significant offense in, which would have been fine if it lead to him getting the big come-from-behind win, but it didn’t. 1 for 3.

Jake Roberts v. Andre the Giant

Back to Los Angeles in January of 89. Long, long, stall to start as Andre won’t start with the snake visible, so Jake has to hide it under the ring. Finally Jake hits the Giant with a kneelift and he gets tied in the ropes, so Jake chokes him out and slugs away. Jake teases going to retrieve the snake, so Andre breaks free and chokes Jake down, then cuts off Jake’s comeback with a headbutt and chokes him down on the ropes. Andre works him over in the corner, but Jake fights back with a kneelift that staggers Andre. Jake tries the DDT, but Andre swats him down and chokes away again. Jake goes up with a flying forearm in a rare show of aerial offense from Jake, and he throws the snake in the ring and that’s a DQ at 8:00. Damian actually bites Jake’s hand in the melee and it’s a pretty gnarly cut. Nothing to this one. 1 for 4.

Jake Roberts v. Andre the Giant

Special ref here is John Studd. Andre attacks to start and rams Jake into a conveniently missing turnbuckle, and quickly tries choking him out. Jake goes for the snake, but Andre grabs him in a chokehold again. Jesse has a funny line here, noting that David beat Goliath with a foreign object. That’s a wrestling mentality for you. Andre leans on Jake in the corner, which is about as lazy as you can get, offensively speaking. More choking and Andre uses his butt as a weapon, and chokes away again. Jake slugs back and Andre gets tied in the ropes as a result, which allows Jake to do his own choking. But not for long, because Andre is the master of choking. And choke he does! And did I mention the choking? Because there’s quite a lot of it. Jake comes back with punches and sends Andre into the bare turnbuckle, but Andre chops him right out of the ring. Andre won’t let him in, and the camera’s closeup of the ring apron reveals that they were so cheap as to recycle the skirts from Wrestlemania IV, simply by removing the “I” from the roman numeral. Studd and Andre get into a shoving match, while Ted Dibiase steals the snake, and Andre attacks Studd to draw the rather obvious DQ and set up the big feud that never happened. The recovered snake sends Andre fleeing. 1 for 5.

Andre the Giant v. Junkyard Dog

This is from Paris, so I imagine Andre will be a huge babyface here. And was Dog seriously still around at the end of 88? Oddly enough, “Grab Them Cakes” remains here, unpurged by the music Nazis. We spend the first few minutes with Andre refusing to get into the ring until JYD gets rid of the chain, which is a totally reasonable request. So Andre actually walks out of the arena and returns to the dressing room and Dog relinquishes the chain, 6:00 into the “match” mind you, at which point Andre returns after being talked into it by Terry Garvin. Speaking of perverts, I wonder if Mel Phillips ever tried to steal Andre’s size 23 boots? So finally, 8:00 into this, Andre gets into the ring and the match starts, at which point Andre chokes Dog out of the ring. Back in, Andre continues choking him and works him over in the corner, but Dog gets one punch and Andre is tied in the ropes. Dog chokes him out, but Andre is loosed from his bonds and undoes the turnbuckle, albeit after about 10 tries while Dog has to stagger around the ring selling. Andre runs him into the corner a few times, but misses a headbutt and hits the steel. Dog charges, so Andre boots him down and pins him with his feet on the ropes at 6:48. We are really scraping the bottom of the bottom of the barrel at this point, as this was seriously of the one worst pro wrestling matches I’ve ever seen. 1 for 6.

Intercontinental title: Ultimate Warrior v. Andre the Giant

This is from MSG in late 89, but it’s not one of the famed 30 second squashes. Warrior charges in and Andre immediately chokes him out, but Warrior returns the choking on the ropes and they literally stand there choking each other out. I think I would have preferred the 30 second squash. Giant misses a headbutt and hits the previously exposed turnbuckle, and Warrior slugs away on him, but Andre resumes choking again. Warrior fights out of that, and tries a bearhug on Andre, which gets a surprisingly huge pop from the crowd. Next up, he slams Andre and tries to finish with the splash, but Andre kind of swats him aside from his back, and Warrior hits knee. Andre works on the back, but Warrior fires up and hits him with three clotheslines to put him on the floor and the crowd is going nuts. No wonder Vince decided to pull the trigger on Warrior. Andre heads back in and takes out the ref, then headbutts Warrior down and drops an elbow on him, only to have the ref wake up and call for the DQ at 9:31. I dunno what Andre’s problem with Warrior was, he looked fine out there and the match got over. 2 for 7.

WWF tag team titles: Demolition v. Andre the Giant & Haku

From WWF Superstars at the end of 1989. It’s a DONNYBROOK to start as Demolition tries attacking the Heenan Family, but Haku chokes Ax down and rams him into Andre’s head. Andre chokes Ax out behind the ref’s back while Smash keeps distracting the ref and messing things up for his team. Haku with a backbreaker on Ax and Andre comes in and clobbers him, then holds him in the corner to set up a Haku charge. That misses and Ax tries for the hot tag, but Haku cuts off the ring again. Ax can’t get back to the corner, and Andre comes in with the headbutts to the back of the head, which finally draws a frustrated Smash in. Haku hits the superkick behind the ref’s back and Andre drops the elbow on Ax to win the titles in a complete squash at 5:40. There was actually a neat synergy to this, as Ax was never able to tag out, and when Demolition regained the titles at Wrestlemania they used exactly the same strategy by keeping Haku in the ring for the entire match. Andre looked FIRED UP to get those titles. 3 for 8.

WWF tag team titles: Andre the Giant & Haku v. The Rockers

This is from the pre-WM special on USA. The champs attack the Rockers to start, but they team up with a dropkick to tie Andre in the ropes. Haku grabs a headlock on Shawn, and then rams him into Andre’s head, but Marty tags himself in and they double-team Haku. That ends quickly when Andre tags in and just destroys Marty with headbutts and the buttdrops in the corner. Haku with a backbreaker for two. Shawn gets a blind tag and comes in for some more double-teams on Haku, but Andre BACKHANDS Marty on the way by and then tosses Shawn out of the ring. Marty is helpless, and they hit the double-team superkick on him, but Demolition runs in for the DQ at 3:41. Too bad, they were having a very entertaining David & Goliath match there. 4 for 9.

WWF tag team titles: Andre the Giant & Haku v. Demolition

Here on the Network, “Demolition” has been restored as the entrance theme, whereas it was purged from the Anthology DVD set. Ax and Haku slug it out and Haku goes down, but comes back on Smash with a thumb to the eye. They fight over a backslide and Smash gets two, but Andre breaks it up. Back to Ax, but Haku hits him with the POLYNESIAN MARTIAL ARTS~! Haku with a backbreaker for two and a thrust kick, and Haku chokes away on the ropes. Andre gets a cheap headbutt from the apron and Haku gets two. More double-teaming in the corner gets two for Haku, as Andre is limited to standing on the apron for the match. Haku headbutt gets two. Ax tries to fight back and Haku thumbs him in the eye again and goes to the nerve hold. Ax fights up again and Haku pounds him down and gets a shoulderbreaker for two. Even the announcers are wondering now why Andre won’t tag in. Blind charge misses and Ax comes back with a clothesline, and it’s hot tag Smash. Elbow and backdrop for Haku and a crossbody gets two. The Demos double-clothesline both of the heels, pound Haku down, and that finally brings Andre in. The double-team misses, however, Andre gets tied in the ropes, and the Demolition elbow gives them their third tag titles at 9:09. Pretty decent for a glorified handicap match. ** Bobby Heenan gives Andre the gears afterwards and gets beaten up as a result, turning Andre face one last time to end his career. Andre casually catching Haku’s thrust kick and then beating the hell out of him as well is great stuff. 5 for 10.

Under New Management

Very near the end now, as we’re into June of 1991 and Jimmy Hart and Earthquake do a promo where they introduce Quake’s new partner…Andre the Giant? Mean Gene is immediately skeptical and asks Andre to come out and confirm or deny. So indeed, the Giant comes out and seems to be friends with the heels, but Gene reminds us of all the other managers that Andre has turned down in the past few weeks. I seriously don’t remember this at all, and I was certainly watching weekly at this point. Anyway, Andre lets Jimmy think he’s got the deal, and then reveals that there’s no deal, at which point Quake takes out Andre’s leg and beats him down. This was supposed to be leading to Andre v. Earthquake at Summerslam, but Andre couldn’t make it happen. 5 for 11.

The Natural Disasters v. The Bushwackers

From Summerslam 91. Pass. 5 for 12.

Larger Than Life

From episode #4 of RAW, Howard Finkel announces the death of Andre the Giant, and we get a 10-bell salute and a photo montage. Then, from Superstars, Vince McMahon announces the WWF Hall of Fame, with first inductee Andre the Giant.

A True Giant

And finally, Tim White sits down to share some memories of his friend in a very nice tribute, but this part is getting too sad and I’m glad we’re at the end.

There’s also an episode of Legends of Wrestling covering Andre stories, but I’m about done at this point. And I’m pretty sure you are as well. even though this is being written days ago and posted well in advance. So maybe it’s a huge hit and there’s more demand for Andre, who knows?

Anyway, this is a fantastic collection overall covering all the rare stuff and famous stuff and stuff in between, and I really enjoyed reviewing it all. Give it a look if you’re browsing the Network.