The SmarK Rant for WWE Monday Night RAW – 04.08.24

The SmarK Rant for WWE Monday Night RAW – 04.08.24

It’s RAW after Wrestlemania, which is the one time per year that I’ll sit through three hours of this show. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Live from Philadelphia, PA

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Pat McAfee

HHH joins us to start, and there’s no Titantron or ramp tonight due to the arena setup. The fans chant “Thank you Hunter” but he’s actually here to thank the fans. And of course, he introduces Cody Rhodes and his newly won title. HHH talks about the record gate tonight and presents a special video to recap the story (on “bootleg monitors” because of the missing Titantron) and then Uncle Paul leaves to let Cody do his triumphant babyface promo. We get another announcement of his title win from the ring announcer, and Cody indeed acknowledges Roman Reigns. But before he can finish telling his story, it’s time for The Rock, the man who drew the house, to rescue the ratings from all the Cody Crybabies. Also his belt is way cooler and has a bull on it. The crowd chants for Undertaker, which is MAD disrespectful. And then Philly won’t even let him talk! They all paid to see him and now they’re turning on him? Disgusting. Rock reveals another record tonight, as Philly has broken the record for most trailer park trash in one place, and then the crowd proves it by telling Rock to “shut the fuck up”. Behavior like this is why ECW went of business. Rock talks about putting Mama Rhodes on the weight belt that he whipped Cody with, and how Dusty Rhodes was his hero and was good friends with Rocky Johnson. So having said all that, he’s like to hold the shiny new WWE title belt for a bit. So they agree to a belt swap, in the name of peace and giving flowers, and the crowd chants “This is awkward”. The Rock, very sadly, must now leave for a while, but he’s gonna come back for Cody. And although Cody beat Roman, the Rock beat Cody. So the Roman story is over, but the Rock story is just beginning. Cody, equally well versed in the transitive property of math, notes that since Rock is part of WWE and Cody is champion, that makes him Rock’s champion. And then Rock gives him a mysterious piece of paper before departing.

So that was literally the first 47 minutes of the show. I wasn’t bored by it, I’ll give it that.

Shinsuke Nakamura v. NXT champion Ilja Dragunov

Dragunov is probably long overdue for a callup and I’m not sure why they haven’t switched the title off him by now. Nakamura puts him down with a kick and Dragunov pops up with an enzuigiri and drops a knee off the middle rope. Rebound lariat as the crowd is surprisingly quiet for this, but he misses a top rope senton and Nakamura makes a comeback with a flying knee for two. Kinshasa misses, but he rebounds with another knee strike and we get a nice camera angle of Dragunov’s stunned face before that gets two. This show is way easier to watch in the post-Dunn era. Dragunov with a head kick and powerbomb and he finishes with the Moscow missile headbutt at 4:15. This was an OK debut for him in a really short match. **

The Judgment Day joins us and they take FOREVER for everyone to make their individual entrances, leading to new World champion Damian Priest and his fancy new suit. And of course, R-Truth sneaks in after proudly bringing the tag team titles back to the team. So this brings out the Miz, and Finn promises that they’ll have the shortest tag team title reign in history, but Truth wants a six-man instead with their partner, who is “the guy you can’t see”. The crowd is way ahead of the heels on that one, immediately hip to the room while JD assumes it’s Little Jimmy they’re talking about. So they attack and we take a break before starting the match. Also I’m pretty sure that there’s been other tag team champions who held the title less than two days anyway. Offhand, Braun Strowman and the kid that one year, and a couple of variations on the Nexus.

The Judgment Day v. Miz & R-Truth

We’re joined with JD choking out Truth on the ropes and going to a chinlock, and Dom stomps him down for two. Miz gets a hot tag and beats on Dom with kicks and then a double DDT on Dom and JD, which gets two. We take a break and return with Judgment Day in control and beating on the Miz, but of course John Cena makes the surprise appearance as the partner and destroys everyone, which finally gives us the Cena-Truth team-up to finish with three AAs at 9:16. Match was absolutely nothing, just a setup for the Cena punchline. *1/2.

Meanwhile, ARMBAR winner Bronson Reed has his statue in advance of a #1 contender match tonight.

Meanwhile, Liv Morgan attacks Rhea backstage to set up the next program.

Indi Hartwell v. NXT Women’s champion Roxanne Perez

Perez tries a sleeper and Indi slams her off, but Roxanne gets a legsweep for two. Indi slugs her down and Candice trips Roxanne, which upsets Indi for some reason. But then Roxanne finishes with a Code Red at 2:40 anyway. Just a match. *

Sami Zayn joins us, and puts Gunther over as the best champion of all time, whom he beat. But then Kaiser & Vinci interrupt, and Chad Gable makes the save and we’ve got a match.

Sami Zayn & Chad Gable v. Imperium

Gable takes Vinci down and gets a rollup for two before going to the armbar. Not to be confused with the Andre battle royale. Vinci puts him down with a clothesline and Kaiser comes in to beat on Gable in the corner, but it’s over to Zayn, who clears the ring and sets up Gable for a dive to the floor. Back in the ring, Gable with a high cross on Vinci for two, but Imperium double-teams Sami in the corner and we take a break as RAW rolls on. Back with Sami getting the hot tag to Gable, who hits Vinci with a neckbreaker and then suplexes the crap out of them both. To the floor for a cannonball and back in for a flying headbutt on Vinci that gets two. Imperium cuts him off in their corner to set up the European Bomb for two, but Zayn saves. Another try is countered by Gable with an impressive german suplex on Kaiser in mid-air and then the babyfaces hit triple germans and Zayn puts Vinci in an anklelock as per Gable’s coaching. That gets broken up, and Sami goes to finish, but then allows Gable to come in with the Chaos Theory to finish Vinci at 11:53. Good match, which seemed like an obvious setup for Gable turning on Zayn, but instead nothing happened. ***

Meanwhile, the various general managers discuss the draft and get annoyed by Chelsea Green, who wants her own big moment.

Chelsea Green v. Jade Cargill

Jaded finishes at 0:28.

Meanwhile, Sami Zayn offers Gable a shot at the title, next week.

#1 Contender match: Drew McIntyre v. Bronson Reed v. Jey Uso v. Ricochet

Drew does a hilariously bitter promo before the match, complaining about the briefcase and “Bondage Undertaker” and then threatens CM Punk, who has only one weak point, which happens to be his entire body. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. Reed beats on everyone to start and puts Jey on the floor with a phantom clothesline, which allows Ricochet to hit a dive as we take a break and RAW Rolls On. Back with a table in the ring while Reed drops an elbow on Jey and then using him as a battering ram on Ricochet before slamming Jey through the table and we take another break. Back with Rick O’Shea making a comeback, but Drew suplexes him and then slugs it out with Reed and slams him out of the corner for two. But then we get a SUPERKICK CELEBRATION and Jey spears Reed for two. Everyone is out and Drew fights with Jey on the top rope, but Reed takes them out and hits a death valley driver on Ricochet for two. To the top, but Drew pulls him down, so Reed preps the Spanish table, but Jey takes him out on the floor. This leaves Reed on the table, and Ricochet hits him with a 450 from the top rope and through the table. This leaves Drew and Jey in the ring, and Drew quickly hits the Future Shock, but CM Punk appears from under the ring to torment him, allowing Jey to superkick Drew and finish with the flying splash at 16:03 and win the #1 contendership. So Jey has one of the most notoriously shitty matches in Wrestlemania history and he gets rewarded with a World title push? That dog don’t hunt. ***

Well, what a post-WM RAW this was. 45 minutes of talking and then a flat bunch of nothing with a quiet crowd. See ya next year I guess.