The SmarK Rant for WWE Cyber Sunday 2006 – 11.05.06

The SmarK Rant for WWE Cyber Sunday 2006 – 11.05.06

Originally written 08.06.25

OK, moving onto the next chunk of shows I’ve never reviewed, as we catch up with 2006. And just to clarify, I was LONG gone from WWE first run programming when this one aired, so it’s absolutely all new to me.

The deal of course is that these are matches “voted” by online polls to determine opponents and stips and such, and it was a tremendous flop and the concept was killed off for good by 2008. Very much a thing that no one asked for, or wanted to see.

You know what I actually really appreciate about Netflix showing these? Even though they’re presented in 4×3, they don’t squeeze them into a 16×9 box with black bars on the side like the WWE Network did. It’s a really nice looking picture on my laptop.

Live from Cincinnati, OH, drawing 7000 and an unknown buyrate. Dave didn’t even do a review of this show in the Observer and the response was like 100 people total for the poll.

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler and a big ass fake computer at the entrance.

Umaga v. Kane

This was a fan vote between Kane, Chris Benoit and Sandman, with Kane taking 49% of the vote, which is really handy because they were feuding and all. The claim is 14 million votes cast, which I would be skeptical about. They slug it out and Kane chokes him out in the corner, but Umaga fights back with chops and a belly to belly suplex to put him down. Umaga with a leg lariat and he chokes Kane on the ropes and takes him down with a flatliner to cut off a comeback. They continue throwing punches and Umaga goes up with a diving headbutt for two. Umaga with the hip attack in the corner, but they fight to the floor and Kane dodges the Samoan spike and makes the comeback. Kane with more punching in the corner as this match feels like it’s going on for 30 minutes already. Kane with a corner clothesline, but he walks into a samoan drop and then no-sells it and pops up again. Umaga misses a charge and Kane goes up , but gets distracted by Estrada and that allows Umaga to nail him on the way down and finish with the SAMOAN SPIKE at 8:35. A very basic, plodding RAW match that was the complete wrong match to open a show with. *1/2

Meanwhile, ECW World champion Big Show argues with Sharmell about the importance of the Champion of Champions match later tonight.

Cryme Tyme v. Big Vis & Charlie Haas v. The Highlanders v. Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch

The fan “vote” for this one sees the stipulation determined as Texas Tornado, as opposed to “Tag Team Turmoil” or “Fatal Four Way”. I just wanna throw out some love for Cryme Tyme, and remind you that JTG’s books are AMAZING and hilarious, and Shad Gaspard was a great human being and apparently also did motion capture modelling for the God of War games. Everyone brawls and the Highlanders clear the ring and double-team Vis before slugging it out with the cowboys. Cade and Murdoch with the high low on Robbie, but Cryme Tyme steals the pin at 4:28. Yeah that was the whole match. ½*

Meanwhile, HHH tries to teach Shawn Michaels how to use a computer, as they STRONGLY HINT who they want the fans to “vote” for as the referee in their match tonight. Basically Hunter buries two of the choices as stupid and tells everyone to vote for Eric Bischoff. Shawn gets so fired up that he superkicks random people in the hall and storms off.

WWE Intercontinental title: Jeff Hardy v. Carlito

Carlito wins the “vote” with 62%, over Shelton and Johnny Nitro. They trade cradles for two and Carlito gets a backslide for two. Apparently Carlito was a babyface at this point, which feels like a terrible idea. They trade takedown attempts and botch that, so Carlito dropkicks the knee and gets a suplex for two. Jeff slugs away and gets a clothesline for two and then sends Carlito to the floor with a mule kick and adds a baseball slide. Jeff runs the rails and Carlito catches him with a dropkick to counter, and back in for two. Carlito with a chinlock and then kicks Jeff in the gut and goes to a bearhug on the mat, but Jeff escapes with a jawbreaker and Carlito rolls him up for two. Back to the bearhug on the mat and Jeff makes the ropes, so Carlito drops a leg for two. Back to the bearhug, which is exactly what you want to see out of a Jeff Hardy match apparently, and that gets two. Carlito with a backbreaker for two. Jeff makes a comeback and misses the swanton, allowing Carlito to get two. Carlito hits a pair of quebradas for two as this thankfully picks up a bit. Jeff comes back with the Whisper in the Wind for two and they fight to the top rope, but Jeff blocks a rana attempt and hits him with the swanton to retain at 13:23 in a good finish. Very slow start with them tripping over each other for some reason, but it turned into a decently good match by the end despite them botching every move for the first few minutes. ***

Shawn Michaels & HHH v. Randy Orton & Edge

As promised, Eric Bischoff is the special referee with 60% of the vote. Lord save me from this juvenile DX Reunion Era stuff, which at least was SLIGHTLY more bearable than the 2009 version I guess where they destroyed all the tag teams in the division and basically killed off the tag titles. Edge slugs on Shawn in the corner to start, but Shawn gets a sunset flip that yanks Edge’s tights down and he follows with chops in the corner. Shawn with a sunset flip for two and he goes to the armbar. Over to Orton and he gets a kneedrop on HHH, but DX double-teams him in the corner until Edge gets a blind tag Orton dropkicks Hunter for one. Edge with the Edge-O-Matic for two. I think Eric was supposed to be favoring Rated RKO here but I can’t even remember. Orton beats on HHH in the corner and stomp stomp stomps him and it’s back to Edge, but he walks into a DDT. Shawn goes up with a flying elbow, but Orton crotches him on the post to cut off the superkick, and that gets two as Bischoff just does a normal count for some reason. So RKO works Shawn over and gets the heat and this is all very dull and chinlocky. Shawn fights back on Orton but walks into a backbreaker as JR notes that “his Achilles heel is his back”. If you’re ever looking for a patented JR Mixed Metaphor there you go. Edge comes in with the spear, but Shawn moves and Uncle Eric gets wiped out. Hot tag Hunter and it’s MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER for both RKO dudes, but Edge breaks up the Pedigree with a spear. Orton with the RKO but there’s no ref, so another one comes in for two. Another RKO is blocked and Shawn superkicks Randy, but then Eric takes out the second ref to prevent the pin. So Edge hits Shawn with a chair, as I guess chairs are also his Achilles heel, and then Orton just hits Hunter with the chair in front of Bischoff and RKOs him for the pin at 18:07. They had a million billion matches together in 2006 and this was most certainly one of them. ***

WWE Women’s title: Mickie James v. Lita

Trish had won the title at Unforgiven and then retired with it, so this is for the vacant title. The winning stip is Lumberjack match, beating out Submission and no DQ with a 46% total. Lita immediately tosses Mickie and the lumberjacks toss her back in, and then Lita gets the same treatment on the other side. They trade headlocks and Mickie gets some armdrags and Lita tries to bail to escape and has to flail around and fight off the women. Sounds like CM Punk around that time. Back in, Lita gets a snap suplex for two and chokes her out on the ropes. Tilt a whirl slam gets two as these two have ZERO chemistry together. Lita with a sleeper and she switches to an armbar, but Mickie somehow escapes that and they both tumble to the floor and nearly break their necks in the process. Mostly Lita, who continues to take bumps like a crash test dummy. Thankfully all the women are there to throw them back in. Lita gets a rollup in the corner with the ropes for two and THAT somehow manages to go south as this gets worse by the minute, but then Mick goes after some women on the apron and Lita gets a DDT for the pin and the title at 8:20. This was absolutely god-awful. -*

Meanwhile, the Spirit Squad squabbles about all their losses lately. Who in their right mind would have predicted that one of these doofuses would end up with multiple World titles?

World tag team title: The Spirit Squad v. Ric Flair & Rowdy Roddy Piper

So the voting was supposed to be Dusty Rhodes winning the vote, as they heavily pushed that leading up to the show, but WHOOPS, it wasn’t actually rigged and Piper beat out Dusty and Sgt. Slaughter with 46%. Piper, who was suffering from a cancerous tumor in his gut but didn’t know it at the time, looks horrible here, but that’s to be expected. Flair dodges some elbows from Mikey and Piper comes in and slugs away on the various Squad members before putting Mikey in the sleeper. Kenny breaks it up and they double-team him in the corner as Mikey gets two. Piper comes back with a backslide for two, but the Squad double-teams him again until Piper manages to fight them off and makes the hot tag to Flair. They run wild on Mikey with a double suplex and Flair gets the figure-four, but Kenny breaks it up to save. Flair with a small package for two and he gets another figure-four, and this time Piper stops Kenny from saving and Mikey taps out at 7:00 to give Piper his first and only tag team title. Apparently when Vince saw Piper’s condition backstage, he yelled “He looks like Homer Simpson with hair!” But then WWE doctors actually diagnosed Piper with the cancer two weeks later and we found out why he was in such rough shape. This was also god-awful but Piper’s delighted reaction to winning another title made it slightly bearable. DUD

Meanwhile, King Booker convinces John Cena to team up with him against Big Show tonight, but Cena wants one night with Queen Sharmell in exchange and apparently that’s not happening according to her. But then she leaves and Booker agrees, and Cena is like “Are you stupid? Of course I’m not gonna take your wife!” And then he messes with her on the way out anyway and Faarooq stops by to deliver the punchline. Wow what a way to sell a three-way World title match.

CHAMPION OF CHAMPIONS MATCH: ECW World champion Big Show v. WWE champion John Cena v. World Heavyweight champion King Booker

A fan vote determines that Booker’s belt is on the line with 67% but if you think anyone is losing a title here I’ve got a bridge to sell you. Or I guess the modern equivalent, like selling a Brooklyn Bridge NFT or whatever. Basically whoever wins the vote wins the match. Show beats on both guys with clubbing forearms and slams Cena while Booker hangs on the apron. So then Show gets rid of Cena and hauls in Booker and beats on him with forearms before putting him down with a knee. Show with an inverted DDT for two, but Cena saves and Show beats on him again. Cena and Booker team up and throw hands on Show before clotheslining him to the floor, but Booker turns on Cena and rolls him up for two. They fight on the floor and Cena drops Show onto the stairs out there. Back in, Booker gets the Bookend on Cena for two. Booker with a superkick for two. Cena with a belly to belly for two, but Booker takes him down with a sleeper. Cena escapes with a back suplex for two and goes up for a flying splash, but that misses. Superfly Cena? Booker misses the axe kick but reverses the FU into a DDT for two. Cena with a legsweep for two and he gets the STF, but Booker makes the ropes as I’m starting to grow concerned that Big Show is dead or something. He’s been gone FOREVER. Cena with a suplex for two as JR reveals that Cena is starring a movie called “The Marine” soon. Well I wouldn’t hold your breath for Cena becoming a movie star any time soon. That’s about as likely as Dave Batista becoming a movie star, I’d bet! They fight to the top, but Big Show resurrects and puts Cena on his shoulders, and Booker dropkicks them both over for a triple down. Booker gets two from that. Show suplexes both guys and makes the comeback. Chokeslam for Booker and spear for Cena as they head back to the floor again off that as the table gets prepped, but Cena runs Show into the post. Back in, Cena makes the comeback on King Booker and unleashes the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM. Sharmell runs in and Cena takes her out with the FU and puts Booker in the STF. But the ref is busy tending to Sharmell, who is playing dead, and in the most 2006 moment humanly possible, KEVIN FEDERLINE runs in and hits Cena with Booker’s belt, and Booker gets the pin to retain at 21:06. So Booker is the CHAMPION OF CHAMPIONS thanks to K-Fed. Do kids today even know who this guy is? Match was OK when Show was not in the ring. **1/2

Well this was a bloody awful PPV. No wonder I took 20 years to finally get around to reviewing it. THUMBS DOWN.