The SmarK Rant for WCW Worldwide – 12.21.91

The SmarK Rant for WCW Worldwide – 12.21.91

And we wrap up 1991 WCW, not a moment too soon.

Taped from Gainesville, GA, I think

Your host is Tony Schiavone

Van Hammer v. Rick Thames

“You may notice he has a new guitar” notes Tony.  Yeah no one gives a shit about Van Hammer’s guitar, Tony.  Hammer beats on Thames in the corner and backdrops him out, then follows with a powerslam and drops an elbow on him.  And the slingshot suplex finishes at 1:04.

WCW This Week with Eric Bischoff! 

This week’s guest is Steve Austin and Madusa, who talk up the greatness of the Dangerous Alliance in advance of facing Todd Champion in tonight’s main event.

Sting v. John Peterson

So now we’re at a different taping, with Jim Ross doing commentary instead of Tony.  Peterson attacks and kicks at Sting’s knee, but Sting fires back at John’s knee and wraps it around the post.  Back in the ring, the Deathlock finishes at 1:15.

Afterwards, JR talks with Rick Rude and his various managers, but Sting interrupts from the ring and yells over him.  He’s just got two words for Rick:  COME HERE, PAL!  Well math was never his strong suit.  So they head down to the ring and Sting goes after Paul E, but that allows Rude to jump him.  Sting quickly makes a comeback and faceplants Rude before putting him in the Scorpion Deathlock, and Paul desperately jumps on Sting’s back to try and break the hold.  And then finally some geeks run out and they all try to pull Sting off.  But then a bunch of babyfaces run out and beat up the geeks, telling Sting to keep doing the hold instead!  And then finally Sting gets tired and releases it as the Dangerous Alliance helps Rude to the back.  OK this was pretty awesome.

Firebreaker Chip (aka Chip the Firebreaker) v. Rip Rogers

Rip hits Chip with some chops to the pectorial region, as Tony calls it, but Chip chases him to the outside before poor can even get his fancy jacket off.  Chip beats on him outside and steals the jacket.  THAT’S HIS PERSONAL PROPERTY!  Chip slugs away in the corner but misses a blind charge.  Rip goes to the top and Chip slams him off and finishes with an airplane spin at 2:40.  You’d think someone would have made the connection with a fireman’s carry for him but that’s not the kind of promotion we’re dealing with in 1991.  Anyway they should have teamed up as the Rip N Chip Connection because Rip is like 100 times better than Todd Champion.

WRESTLING NEWS NETWORK!  WITH GORDON SOLIE! 

Starrcade 91 is rapidly approaching, and we get a promo from Cactus Jack, who feels like Sting’s idiot fans should boost their IQ a few points and cheer for him instead.  BANG BANG!  And then Gordon runs down the star power entered into the Battlebowl, which is a veritable who’s who of who’s that?

Speaking of which, it’s time for the final WCW Top Ten of 1991!

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Arachniman v. Cactus Jack

Where the fuck is “Web City” anyway?  That’s the best spider-related pun they could come up with for his hometown?  Arachniman goes for a hammerlock and Jack makes the ropes and makes sure to tell someone in the front row to shut their mouth.  Who could possibly boo this man?  Jack with a rollup, but Arachniman dropkicks him into the corner.  Jack runs the spider-related hero, who is as a reminder legally distinct and unrelated to any other spider-related heroes with better lawyers, into the corner, but Arachniman gets a sunset flip for two.  Arachniman works the bang-bang arm, reducing Jack’s bang bang by roughly 20% efficiency, but Jack chokes him out in the corner and puts him on the floor with a Cactus clothesline.  But then Jack charges and hits the post, further injuring his own arm.  Back in the ring, Jack ignores the pain and drops a leg on him before continuing the choking on the ropes, tying up the spider in his own web, so to speak.  Jack with a chinlock as Tony shills the 1992 WCW calendar.  I’ve got $50 that says they spelled one of the months wrong or put in someone who was fired by the time it released.  Maybe both.  Arachniman makes the comeback, but Jack cuts him off and tosses him to the floor again for another beating out there, but Arachniman runs him into the post a second time and backdrops him on the floor.  Back in the ring, Arachniman goes up with a flying headbutt and goes for the rollup, but Jack is in the ropes.  So Arachniman celebrates like a moron and Jack bulldogs him and pins him at 7:00.  As you’d expect, this was a pretty good TV match.  ***

WCW World TV Title:  Steve Austin v. Todd Champion of the WCW Special Forces

Austin gives Todd a clean break and points to his head to indicate intelligence, so of course Todd is able to take him down with a headscissors to take over.  Austin uses the ropes to roll him over for two, and they slug it out until Todd takes him down with a hammerlock on the mat.  They fight for a backslide and Todd wins that for two and then goes back to the arm again.  Apparently the Patriots have broken apart for singles competition, which would mark one of the rare cases where BOTH guys were the Marty Jannetty of the team.  Austin sends him to the floor and runs him into the railing to take over.  Austin works on the back and follows with a gut wrench for two before going to a camel clutch.  Could this mean a secret alliance with the Iron Sheik?  TUNE INTO NITRO TO FIND OUT!  Todd somehow survives the crushing force of the rear chinlock and slams out of it, showing he’s a true champion, even though he doesn’t currently have a title as such.  Champion makes a comeback with his patented back elbow, but Madusa takes the ref and Bobby Eaton runs in and attacks.  So that allows Austin to roll him up with a handful of tights and get the pin to retain at 8:32.  This brings out Ricky Steamboat to make the save for Champion because apparently even Todd’s own partner can’t be arsed to help him, and Ricky chases off the heels.

WCW This Week with Eric Bischoff!  This week’s second guest is Marcus Alexander Bagwell, who discusses life on the road and training in advance of making his debut on WCW Worldwide.  Well thankfully I won’t be around to see it.

Next time:  Back to 1989!