The SmarK Rant for WCW Spring Stampede 2000 – 04.16.00

The SmarK Rant for WCW Spring Stampede 2000 – 04.16.00

So the last Nitro was the GREAT RESET, where they promised to re-establish all the champions on this show after stripping everyone of their titles and somehow making everything seem even more worthless as a result. But aside from the main event, we never heard how they were going to crown new champions on the PPV, apparently just cramming all that exposition onto Thunder instead. I haven’t reviewed this show in 24 years and I don’t remember a single thing about it, so once again it’s all new to me. Honestly they should have just left the belt on Abeyance, he could probably draw better.

Live from Chicago, IL, drawing a pretty impressive 12,000 given the state of the company, with 8000 paid and 4000 freebies. Buyrate was 0.25, which is on the very low end of the history of the company, but on the high end of 2000, so you can take that one however you like.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson & Mark Madden. Tony clarifies that we’ll crown a new US champion and new tag team champions tonight. WHAT ABOUT THE HARDCORE TITLE?!?

Meanwhile, Russo and Bischoff discuss their Hulk Hogan problem backstage.

WCW tag team title tournament round one: The Mamalukes v. Ric Flair & Lex Luger

Flair is dressed in his street clothes because it’s STREET FIGHT RULES, I guess. At least according to Flair’s pre-match promo where it sounds like he drank 7 cans of Woooooooo Energy beforehand. At least I assume it was caffeine he ingested. For those keeping track, we’ve already forgotten about the gimmick where they cut off the Millionaire’s Club members music to mess with them. They had a good run with it, I guess. Vince Russo immediately interrupts and cuts a promo on “Very Small Package” and sends out the Harris Boys to join the Mamaluke side. So it’s 4-on-2 now. Sure, why not. The bald side stomps down Team Package in the corner, but Flair fights back on Johnny Hugger and gets the figure-four. Vito breaks that up and Flair is your Millionaire in Peril, as the Harriseseses double-team him with a big boot for two. Man, Flair is a blond haired white guy, you’d think the Harris brothers would be on his side. Flair goes up and gets slammed off, but crawls to the corner while four people take the ref and prevent the tag. Disco somehow sends Lex into the post and then gets dragged off by a couple of Italian guys who we don’t know. Meanwhile the babyfaces make the comeback, but Hugger hits Luger with a springboard clothesline. But then Lex runs the Mamalukes into each other and finishes Hugger with the Torture Rack at 6:18 to advance. What would have happened if the bad guys had won? It was never addressed, thus making it obvious who was winning. *

Meanwhile, Mike Awesome is doing another top shelf promo about being in the US title tournament tonight, but Bam Bam Bigelow gets in his face and gets laid out.

Mancow v. Jimmy Hart

I guess Mancow was part of the shock jock movement of the 90s and they did some kind of angle on the radio to set this up. Jimmy has his new heater, HAIL, as backup, and Mancow has whatever his entourage of goofs are supposed to be. They do a catfight to start and Jimmy goes low and chokes him out. Jimmy decides to go airborne, but the ref gets bumped. This allows Hail to toss Mancow onto his pile of hangers-on. NOT TURD! But then Mancow gets a chair and beats on Jimmy with that, and pins him at 2:49. This was way overbooked for a radio DJ v. manager joke match. DUD. And then Kidman comes out and attacks Jimmy Hart, who was just booed as a heel in the match but suddenly is a beloved babyface while acting as a surrogate for Hogan because these bookers don’t know how to book wrestling.

Meanwhile, Russo calls his tag teams a bunch of losers and tells them to get lost after losing. Fair.

US title tournament round one: The Wall v. Scott Steiner

I can’t remember what he ended up using for entrance music later, but “Steinerized” is a terrible choice for him at this point. Scott slugs away in the corner, but Wall fires back and chokes him out until Steiner goes low and suplexes him. And then Wall goes low and drops a leg for two. This show has already had more nutshots than an average Tommy Dreamer match and we’re only three matches in. They fight to the floor and Wall sets up a table, but Scott pokes him in the eyes to blind him and puts the referee in the way, so Wall chokeslams the ref through the table, apparently thinking it’s Scott Steiner, and that draws the DQ at 4:00 because a second referee saw it happen. Hilariously bad. -*

Meanwhile, the Cat complains about his slot in the tournament, but Bigelow attacks him from behind.

US title tournament round one: Mike Awesome v. Bam Bam Bigelow

Bigelow is taking the Cat’s spot in the tournament, apparently. So why didn’t they just book that match then? We don’t need an angle for EVERY MATCH on a 14 match show. They slug it out in the ring and Awesome boots him to the floor and follows with a dive. Awesome goes to the railing and clearly tells people politely to get out of the way, before sending Bam Bam into the front row and diving onto him again. That’s much more polite than the ECW approach to dealing with the crowd. Back in the ring, Awesome with a flying clothesline for two. Awesome tries a slam and Bam Bam falls on top for two. Bam Bam goes up with a diving headbutt, but now the Cat runs in and takes out Bigelow with a kick and then does a promo before dancing for us. And then Awesome clotheslines him and pins him with a flying splash at 4:00 to advance. So we’ve had two matches in the tournaments with unadvertised people getting added to the match, on the same show. They were having what was shaping up to be a good match that would get Awesome over and then…not so much. **

Meanwhile, Buff Bagwell and Shane Douglas are apparently a tag team now. Shane whining about Ric Flair repeating the same cliches is hilariously on point for his brand of clueless.

WCW tag team title tournament round one: Harlem Heat 2000 v. Shane Douglas & Buff Bagwell

I can’t believe Harlem Heat 2000 seriously stuck around this long. Douglas has a ripoff of “Perfect Strangers” here, but I don’t know if it’s a WCW ripoff or the Network editing out the real song. They do a brawl right away and the Heat double-team Buff while the announcers put over the lack of DQs tonight because no one bought a PPV to see a DQ! I mean, they literally booked a DQ finish two matches ago, but do go on. Buff quickly gets the hot tag to Douglas while the third Heat guy takes out Buff on the floor, but Shane pins Stevie Ray with a suplex at 2:45 while Ahmed just stands there in the corner doing nothing. What the FUCK was that? DUD. No angle here? OK then, moving on.

US title tournament round one: Booker v. Sting

They slug it out and Sting slams Booker and clotheslines him to the floor, then runs Booker into the bell, but Booker drops him onto the announce table. Back in with a back elbow for two. Booker with a chinlock and he cuts off a Sting comeback with a knee to the gut for two. Back to the chinlock and Sting fights out of that, so Booker gives him the axe kick for two. Sidekick misses and Sting DDTs him for two. Stinger splash is countered with a sidekick, but Sting gets a bodypress for two and then finishes with the Scorpion Death Drop at 6:33. First good match of the show. ***. And then they do a handshake afterwards, so that Booker can turn babyface again a week after turning heel.

Meanwhile, Eric Bischoff isn’t worried about rumors of HULK HOGAN showing up in Chicago tonight, brother.

US title tournament round one: Billy Kidman v. Vampiro

Vamp beats on Kidman in the corner to start and follows with a clothesline and overhead suplex. Flying clothesline gets two. Kidman tries slugging on him in the corner, but Vamp powerbombs him and follows with a backdrop suplex. Another powerbomb attempt, but YOU CAN’T POWERBOMB KIDMAN, except for the time he just got powerbombed a few seconds ago. Kidman comes back with a slingshot legdrop for two, as Madden claims that we could have been seeing matches like this years ago if the Millionaire’s Club had gotten out of the way. They literally had a match with each other on the February PPV, Mark. Vamp tries another powerbomb and Kidman reverses it again for two. So they fight outside the ring and there’s no heat for the match, so we cut to the back where HULK HOGAN arrives in a mid-life crisis car before doing the walk-in, brother. He’s STONE COLD HULK HOGAN, brother! So Hulk beats up Kidman and runs him into the post before slamming him off the stairs and onto the announce table multiple times, once again making Billy look like a complete jobber in the guise of “putting him over”. And Vampiro gets the pin at 8:36 to advance. “You can’t disqualify Hogan because he didn’t come in to help Vampiro!” notes Tony. Oh, well, clearly. Another one where they were having a decent match until they weren’t. **.

Meanwhile, Hogan continues his quest to find Bischoff, but Russo calls the cops and they PULL GUNS on Hogan. Jesus, no wonder Chicago cops have such a bad rep.

WCW Hardcore title: Terry Funk v. Norman Smiley

Kind of funny bit as Funk wanders the halls looking for Norman and goes into catering, where literally everyone in the room immediately stooges out Norman’s location. I guess there was no tournament for this one. Terry immediately drags Norman out of the bathroom and dumps a fridge of Coke products onto him, then sends him into the kitchen for a unique spot and they get into a food fight. Norman fights back with some cookie sheets and tosses Funk into a trash can. So Funk beats him down with a laptop, and given it was 2000 that could bludgeon a man to death, and that gets two. So Norman climbs the wall and hangs from the ceiling pipe, but Terry pulls him down and through a table. They beat on each other with chairs and fight into the ring. Norman does his dance and Funk grabs a chair and knocks Norman out of the ring to escape getting his butt smacked. But then Dustin Rhodes runs in and piledrives Funk on a chair because I guess this is the one storyline that continued through the reset. Maybe Dustin is like Psycho Pirate and wasn’t affected by the universe changing. But then Funk fights him off, drops a ladder on Smiley outside, and pins him to claim the Hardcore title at 8:05. This felt like a better use of Funk than anything they’ve done all year with him. ***

US title tournament round two: Mike Awesome v. Scott Steiner

Scott takes him down and crossfaces him on the mat and then stops to do some pushups. Awesome fights back with a shoulderblock and a big splash for two, and then goes up with a flying clothesline for two. Scott goes low and follows with a suplex, but Awesome makes a comeback and Kevin Nash does a limp-in and hits Awesome with his crutch, allowing Steiner to finish with the Recliner at 3:03 and advance to the finals.

Meanwhile, Vince Russo FIRES Dustin Rhodes and takes credit for creating Goldust. And indeed, Dustin was gone until the end of the year. At least he got an actual exit, unlike Sid just vanishing from TV for six months with no explanation.

US title tournament round two: Vampiro v. Sting

Vamp attacks during Sting’s entrance and beats on him with kicks, and they fight to the floor, where Sting gets a chairshot and then hits a flying splash in the ring for two. Sting misses a splash into the railing on the floor and Vamp comes back with a superkick out there. Back in, Vamp goes up and then changes his mind and just does a normal shoulderblock for two. Vamp with a back suplex for two and he fires away with more kicks and a suplex for two. Vamp goes up and Sting swats him down and finishes with the Deathdrop and Scorpion Deathlock at 5:55 to advance to the finals. This was a mess and they were on totally different pages, which made more obvious by the announcers screaming about what a classic that we were watching. Well, nothing to do but have increasingly terrible rematches on PPV, I guess! *

Meanwhile, DDP promises to give Kimberly her chance to get revenge on Jeff Jarrett tonight.

Cruiserweight title: Shannon Moore v. Chris Candido v. Lash LeRoux v. Shane Helms v. Crowbar v. The Artist v. Juventud Guerrera

They do a big brawl to start and then I guess it’s some kind of a tag team match, because everyone goes to the apron while Lash starts with Crowbar. Lash with a slam for two and Juvy tags himself in and hits the Drunk Driver for two. Crowbar calls Daffney in and she somehow accidentally gives Crowbar a rana, and then Juvy beats on Daffney, kicking her RIGHT IN THE BABYMAKER, and we get a pileup on the floor as this is a huge mess with no flow to it. David Flair comes in the ring and dances with Helms and I’m not clear on whether David is in the match or not. Candido misses a diving headbutt on the Artist, but Tammy Sytch makes her debut and trips up the Artist, allowing Candido to get the pin and the title at 5:12. No one cared about any of this and it was incredibly sad watching Chris and Tammy fall apart before our eyes in 2000. *. Also it might be a new era, but it’s the same garbage treatment of the cruiserweights.

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett calls Gene an “old Geritol slapass” as his big highspot.

WCW World tag team title: Shane Douglas & Buff Bagwell v. Ric Flair & Lex Luger

Quite the grueling tournament we got here. Vince Russo joins us on commentary and predicts that Buff & Shane are going to win the tag team titles. So is he gonna change the finish so he can swerve us, then? Buff slams Lex and does some dancing, but Lex pops up and poses back at him. This is for the SICKOS. Douglas comes in and beats on Lex in the corner, but Lex hits Douglas with a press slam and Flair hauls Shane to the floor and chops him out there. Back in the ring, Flair gets worked over in the heel corner this time and Douglas chokes him out. I love how they’re making fun of the “Millionaire’s Club” for being old and slow and then you have Douglas and Bagwell out there working like it’s 1985 on a house show. Shane and Ric collide for a double down and Shane slugs away in the corner after delivering a passionate “FUCK YOU FLAIR!” and thus being the only person in the arena who has any investment in this match whatsoever. Luger gets a hot tag and cleans house, actually showing a bit of engagement for the first time in four months, but Russo immediately goes in and hits him with the bat to cut off the comeback. Buff accidentally gives Shane the Blockbuster, and Flair falls on top for two, but Russo pulls out the ref to save. And then this allows the debuting KRONIK to run in and chokeslam Lex, and Russo declares himself the referee and counts the pin at 8:30 to make Buff and Shane the new tag team champions. Well that’s slightly better than the Harris brothers, I guess. But much like everything else tonight, it’s mostly a lateral move as far as star power with the titles. Like did we NEED to have all the titles vacated to get here? *1/2

US title tournament final: Scott Steiner v. Sting

Scott puts the boots to him in the corner to start, but Sting dropkicks him and Scott bails to the floor. Back in the ring, Scott drops an elbow on Sting for two and goes to yell at the front row, but Sting makes the comeback with clotheslines and the Stinger splash. We get another ref bump on the night, and Vampiro bursts out of a hole in the ring and pulls Sting STRAIGHT TO HELL, which is of course a Russo favorite. And then Steiner hauls him out of the hole and finishes with the Recliner to win the US title at 5:30. Really disappointing end to the tournament. *

WCW World title: Diamond Dallas Page v. Jeff Jarrett

Listen to the fake WWE Network entrance music for Jarrett and try not to hear the Godfather’s theme, I DARE YOU. Looking at the grating on the entrance ramp and seeing Kimberly gingerly walk down in her high heels to avoid dying should probably add a star to the rating for the match. Apparently Tammy wasn’t so lucky and fell on her ass while trying the same thing, which sadly wasn’t caught on camera. Page quickly hits Jeff with the DDT for two and then sends him to the floor and follows with a dive. Kimberly gets a shot on Jarrett and we head into the crowd for the walking brawl where we can’t really see anything. Back in the ring, Page hits a clothesline and goes up, but Jeff crotches him to bring him down, which I think counts as a nutshot for the night. Jeff with a superplex and he beats on Page with a chair and puts the boots to him before going to work on the back. Page comes back with a powerbomb for two while Bischoff joins us now because god forbid we have one match without a run-in. They brawl on the floor again and Jeff finds a copy of Page’s book and RIPS IT UP, really hitting him where it hurts. So then Kim goes after Jeff again, allowing Page to fight him off, but Jeff chokes Page out in the corner. DDP makes another comeback and crotches Jeff on the post, which definitely counts as a nutshot, but Jeff blocks the Diamond Cutter. The ref is bumped and Jeff gets the belt and uses that for two, but now Bischoff heads to ringside while Kimberly gets the guitar and Jeff gets the figure-four. Page makes the ropes and cradles for two. Uranage gets two. Jarrett with a sleeper while the crowd rapidly loses interest in this super-important match for the World title, but Bischoff takes the ref now. And Kimberly brings the guitar in while Page hits the Diamond Cutter on Jarrett, but of course it’s a SWERVE and she turns on Page with the guitar shot, putting Jarett on top for the World title at 15:00. Meltzer actually got the line of the night in his review of this one, noting how amazing it was that Page’s crippling back injury immediately healed once his best friend was back in charge of the company. An OK match that never got better than OK and would have been more effective if we didn’t have SWERVES and run-ins and interference in every other match up and down the show already. **1/2. And then the New Blood all celebrates in the ring with their titles to end the show.

I would classify this one as “better than I was expecting” and certainly an improvement over the dogshit PPVs that began the year, but that’s faint praise. As usual for Russo, the show would have been a million times better if he would just CALM THE FUCK DOWN and let things breathe for 5 seconds instead of stuffing every match full of ga-ga. Also they went through the trouble of stripping all the heels of the titles so that they could…put them all back on heels again?

But hey, as long as the World title isn’t treated like the 24/7 title for a while and we get some well-booked episodes of Nitro and solid PPVs for the next couple of months, I’m sure WCW will be back on the road to respectability again!

Thumbs in the middle.