The SmarK Rant for WCW Clash of the Champions XVII – 11.19.91

The SmarK Rant for WCW Clash of the Champions XVII – 11.19.91

Live from Savannah, GA, drawing 7000 and a 4.3 rating.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Jim Ross

Lumberjack match: Thomas Rich v. Big Josh

Rich attacks at the bell and beats Josh down, but Josh fires up and chops him down before hitting an atomic drop. Rich tries to escape to the floor and gets chased back in by the lumberjacks, so Josh hits a suplex and log rolls him. This time Rich bails to the heel side, which now includes the Young Pistols despite them being babyfaces on the last episode of Worldwide before this one. Josh hits the floor again and gets beat up by the heels this time, and back in Rich takes over with a back elbow, for two. Rich chokes him out with the wrist tape and Young Pistol Steve helps with that, allowing Rich to get a suplex for two. Josh misses a blind charge and Rich goes up, but Josh slams him off the top and makes the comeback. Suplex gets two. They do a criss-cross and Terrence Taylor trips up his own partner, allowing Josh to finish with the butt splash at 6:12. Well so much for the York Foundation I guess. This was a decent enough opener. **1/4

Beautiful Bobby Eaton v. Firebreaker Chip (aka Chip the Firebreaker)

Bobby takes him out of the corner with a hiptoss, but Chip grabs a headlock to control on the mat. Bodypress gets two and he goes back to the headlock, thus annoying Eaton even more. So Bobby has had enough and slugs Chip down to escape a hammerlock, and then hits a backbreaker. Chip with a backslide for two and a rollup for two, but Bobby runs him into the turnbuckle and hits a back suplex to finish at 4:50. Chip was useless as usual but Bobby had a fun little slow burn of annoyance with the young babyface, leading to his heel turn later on. *

Meanwhile, we learn about BATTLEBOWL, which was a giant miscalculation on WCW’s part and a complete waste of time.

Sting joins us as we unveil the final mystery box and solve the mystery once and for all. So a bunch of WBF rejects carry out a fancy carriage, leading to Madusa emerging from the box to seduce him with her feminine wiles. But of course this ruse is also a RUSE, and the real payoff is revealed as Lex Luger, who emerges from the box and clips Sting’s knee to injure him in advance of his title defense tonight.

The Diamond Studd v. Tom Zenk

We’re joined in progress with Studd hitting Zenk with a bulldog out of the corner for two. He slugs away in the corner while we follow Sting on a stretcher in the back and Bobby Eaton makes sure to tell Sting to take his time and not rush back to the arena, almost as if…NAH. That’s crazy talk. Meanwhile Zenk comes back with the superkick and pins the Studd with a crucifix at 1:30. But then Studd gets his heat back and lays out Zenk with the Diamond Death Drop. ½*

World TV title: Steve Austin v. PN News

News attacks in the corner and slugs away to start before putting him down with a clothesline to the back. News drops an elbow on him and Austin bails to escape, but News runs him into the railing. Back in, Austin tries a slam and News falls on top for two. News with a dropkick, somewhat less effective than Steven Borden’s dropkick, and a suplex gets two. Austin sends him to the ramp and slugs away out there, but he charges and News backdrops him into the ring. News keeps coming with a belly to belly for two, but Lady Blossom saves this time and Austin dives and hits News on the floor to turn the tide. Back in the ring, Austin works him over in the corner and dodges a blind charge, pinning News with his feet on the ropes to retain at 4:20. They had a pretty damn good match by News’s standards, given four minutes. ***

Missy Hyatt introduces us to the newest member of the WCW roster: MARCUS ALEXANDER BAGWELL. Did you know he graduated from Sprayberry High School? He mentions that for the first time here in case you didn’t know.

And now it’s the WCW TOP TEN!

1. Sting
2. Rick Steiner
3. Stunning Steve Austin
4. Ron Simmons
5. Dustin Rhodes
6. Barry Windham
7. Cactus Jack
8. Bill Kazmaier
9. Beautiful Bobby
10. Big Van Vader

So, Friend, I know you came in here looking for something practical, something reliable, something that makes sense financially, and I completely respect that. I have the perfect car for you! It’s the WCW Top Ten, Limited Edition XL!

That’s why I think you’re going to be absolutely thrilled with this 2027 Sting Limited Platinum Executive Appearance Package, because right now, with our special November-only customer appreciation incentive, we’re able to get you into this vehicle for just $389 biweekly, which sounds higher than your $280 target, but once we factor in the $1,750 customer loyalty credit, the $2,400 dealer participation adjustment, the $875 Saskatchewan winter readiness rebate, and the fact that we’re actually paying you $14.37 every third Tuesday through our preferred lessee dividend program, we’re effectively talking about $271.63 biweekly before taxes, licensing, freight, PDI, administration, documentation, environmental fees, tire levy, security deposit, acquisition fee, and the optional optionality fee.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “I don’t need this car.”

And that’s where you’re wrong.

Because this thing has Sting.

Not just Sting. WCW Top Ten #1 Sting.

That’s a $4,995 appearance enhancement right there.

Then we’ve got the Rick Steiner All-Terrain Performance Package, which gives you an aggressive grille, reinforced suspension, enhanced barking capability, and a cargo compartment specifically engineered to accommodate approximately 47% more Steiner Brothers.

Normally, that’s another $3,200.

But because you’re a preferred customer, we’re going to roll that into the lease.

Which means you don’t pay for it.

You just pay the payment on it.

Now, underneath the hood, we’ve got the Stunning Steve Austin Turbocharged Confidence Package. It’s got a sport mode, paddle shifters, and a transmission calibrated to shift gears with absolutely no regard for your long-term financial security.

That’s another $2,750.

But because you look like an honest guy, instead of paying $2,750, you’re only paying $31.42 per month, which over 48 months is $1,508.16, which means we’re actually saving you $1,241.84, assuming you don’t calculate the interest.

And you don’t need to calculate the interest because that’s already been calculated.

By us.

For you.

Now, the Ron Simmons Executive Command Seating System gives you 14-way power-adjustable front seats, lumbar support, heated cushions and a federally mandated “DAMN!” button on the steering wheel.

That package is $1,995.

We’re throwing that in.

We’re not even going to tell accounting.

Accounting already knows.

Then we’ve got the Dustin Rhodes Heritage Leather Interior.

Real leather.

Real stitching.

Real heritage.

Every seat is individually inspected by a certified leather heritage specialist to ensure that it has the proper amount of Rhodes.

That’s $4,600.

But we’re only charging you $89 a month.

For the first 36 months.

After that, it becomes part of the residual.

Which you don’t pay unless you buy the vehicle.

Unless you trade it.

In which case we transfer it.

Unless the market value is lower than the residual.

In which case we don’t.

But don’t worry about that because we’ve got a Barry Windham Residual Protection Adjustment.

That’s another $1,850.

Or $0, depending on the moon phase.

Now, this vehicle also comes equipped with the Cactus Jack Extreme Off-Road Survival Package, which includes reinforced bumpers, all-weather floor mats, emergency roadside equipment, and a glovebox that has been legally classified as “too dangerous to open.”

Normally, $3,995.

But we’re going to bury that in the payment.

You’ll never see it.

That’s actually the beauty of leasing.

You don’t need to know where the money goes.

You just need to know where the money comes from.

And then there’s the Bill Kazmaier Superhuman Load-Bearing Cargo System.

This vehicle can carry approximately 4,000 pounds of groceries, luggage, camping equipment, or one extremely large former World’s Strongest Man.

That’s $2,995.

But we’re including it because, frankly, we’re worried nobody would buy it otherwise.

Now, here’s where it gets really good.

Beautiful Bobby.

That’s not a feature.

That’s the salesman.

That’s me.

And because I’m Beautiful Bobby, I’ve personally authorized a $1,200 Beautiful Bobby Customer Satisfaction Credit.

You don’t have to understand it.

I don’t understand it.

It’s just very beautiful.

And finally, Friend, you’ve got the Big Van Vader Dynamic Weight Distribution System.

That’s the big one.

Literally.

The vehicle automatically adjusts the suspension depending on whether you’re carrying groceries, passengers, luggage, or Big Van Vader.

That’s a $6,995 premium.

But here’s the thing:

We’re giving it to you.

So let’s look at the numbers.

MSRP: $48,995.

Dealer-installed options: $27,481.

Freight and PDI: $2,395.

Administrative fee: $699.

Security package: $899.

Vader package: $6,995.

Beautiful Bobby: priceless.

Total capitalization cost: $87,464.

But after rebates, incentives, loyalty credits, employee appreciation bonuses, conquest cash, lease support, dealer participation, and a coupon I found in my desk drawer this morning…

We’re down to $62,417.

And because you’re leasing, you only pay the portion of that you’re using.

Which is why your payment is only $327.84 biweekly.

Now, I know that’s $47.84 more than you wanted to spend.

But Friend…

Look at all the Sting. SO MUCH STING.

And remember:

You’re not buying a car you don’t need.

You’re leasing a car you don’t need.

That’s completely different.

Heavy Metal Van Hammer v. Cactus Jack

Jack attacks in the corner and chokes him out, but Hammer dropkicks him to the floor and it’s LUCHA HAMMER with a double axehandle off the apron and back in for a slam and legdrop. That gets two. JR notes that Hammer doesn’t wrestle with finesse or technique. OH REALLY? You don’t say. Jack clotheslines him to the floor with a Cactus clothesline and drops the elbow. Back in the ring, Jack puts the boots to him, but Hammer slugs back and gets a clothesline out of the corner. Hammer to the top for the flying kneedrop, which gets two. That should have been his finisher, he could have called it the Flying V. Speaking of which, Jack bails to the floor, grabs said guitar, and jams it in Hammer’s throat before pinning him at 4:12! CACTUS WINS! CACTUS WINS! Trust me, the early online wrestling world treated this like the Miracle on Ice considering Jack never won matches on TV at that point and Hammer was obviously a pet project. **

Meanwhile, Eric Bischoff is standing by at a local medical facility while JR struggles to connect via telephone.

Meanwhile, Barry Windham shows up at Halloween Havoc and the Enforcers meet him there and slam his hand in the car door.

WCW World tag team title: The Enforcers v. Dustin Rhodes & Mystery Partner

So one thing I never noticed about this match in the past: This is the official debut of the WCW World tag team title belts, after a year of using the NWA versions of them. Anyway, Barry Windham is OUT with a wrist injury, so we need a replacement.

WCW World tag team title: The Enforcers v. Dustin Rhodes & RICKY STEAMBOAT

Given he was just at Summerslam, this was a giant atomic bomb of a debut, with Steamboat coming out in a giant dragon head before revealing himself to the meme-worthy shock and horror of Arn Anderson. As noted, WCW had two of the biggest home run mystery man reveals in history in 1991, as NO ONE knew this was coming. Arn starts with the Dragon and fights for the lockup, but a fired up Dragon beats on him with chops and the Enforcers both go flying off those. We brawl to the floor and Dustin runs AA into the post, and then the faces double-team Arn again in the ring and chase him to the floor as he is FLABBERGASTED. But remember: HE’S JUST A MAN. Well he’s also a dragon. Back in the ring, Steamboat grabs a headlock on Larry to control him and Dustin works the arm. Steamboat comes in with a karate chop to the arm off the top and he’s just loving his return to WCW already after months of boredom and frustration in the WWF. Dustin continues on the arm, but Arn comes in and slugs away in the corner to take over. But he goes up and Dustin tries to slam him, so Arn pokes him in the eye and hits him with a double axehandle to put him down again. Dustin comes back with bionic elbows to clear the ring again. Back in, The Enforcers get a cheapshot on Steamboat to take over and go to work, with Arn running Steamboat into the turnbuckles. Steamboat with a sunset flip, but Arn tags to escape and Larry takes over with an abdominal stretch and some cheating. Larry cuts off the ring with a slam for two and they trap Ricky in the heel corner. Arn with a bearhug and he holds Ricky down for two, and then he counters a bodyscissors into the Boston Crab and we get more quality cheating from the heels from that. Ricky comes back with an atomic drop that sends Arn into the corner for a collision and double down, but Arn goes to the top and lands on Ricky’s feet. Hot tag Dustin and he hits Larry with a lariat and cleans house before bulldogging Arn. Steamboat gets the tag behind Arn’s back and Larry tosses him over the top, but Ricky skins the cat back in, goes up, and hits Arn with the flying bodypress to win the World tag team titles at 15:00 and the crowd goes crazy. I way overrated it early on in my career but it’s still a banger piece of business despite not being as great as I initially rated. ****

Meanwhile, we take a look at the impending debut of JUSHIN THUNDER LIGER.

Paul E. Dangerously joins JR to discuss the tragedy of Sting’s knee injury, and Paul stresses that he’s never even met Lex Luger or Madusa, and also the contract states that if Sting doesn’t show up, he forfeits the title. And this time Paul isn’t even lying!

Meanwhile, we get a phone interview with Eric Bischoff at the unnamed medical facility, and we get a radio play where Sting commandeers a very expensive ambulance that you can’t see on-screen because it’s too expensive but rest assured it definitely exists and WCW probably paid for it just in case.

WCW Light Heavyweight title: Brian Pillman v. Johnny B. Badd

In what world is MARC MERO a light heavyweight? His hairspray alone added 5 pounds to him at this point. Badd beats on Pillman in the corner, but Brian chops back and backdrops him to set up a dropkick to the ramp and Air Pillman out there. They fight on the ramp and Pillman takes his patented bump into the railing off that. Back in, Pillman gets a slingshot crossbody for two and a powerslam to set up a flying splash. But Badd gets his knees up and it misses, allowing Johnny to take over. He goes up and Pillman dropkicks him on the way down and makes the comeback with a clothesline and leg lariat for two. Badd to the top with the flying sunset flip for two, but Teddy Long is distracting the ref for some reason. So Badd goes to yell at him, but Pillman runs them together and rolls up Badd to retain at 4:23. Pretty good pace but nothing to the match. *1/2. And afterwards we get the payoff, with Badd finally turning babyface and knocking Long out after weeks of getting babyface reactions from the crowds.

WCW US title: Sting v. Ravishing Rick Rude

As promised, Sting drives in via stolen ambulance and limps to the ring, barely beating the referee’s 10 count and brawling with Rude on the ramp. He gets a press slam out there, but Rude rakes the eyes and goes up in the ring, with Sting hitting him on the way down to take over. Sting works him over in the corner and slugs him down, and then clotheslines him back to the ramp and out to the floor again. So Rude wraps the knee around the post and goes up with a clothesline to the back of the neck. Rude Awakening is blocked by Sting, but Rude pokes him in the eyes, so Sting fires back again. But Rude bumps into Sting’s knee on the way down, and Paul E hits Sting with the phone behind the ref’s back, which gets two. Sting comes back with a DDT and goes after Paul, but Rude clips the knee once more, and this time he rolls Sting up and grabs the tights to win the US title at 4:56 and kick off a pretty definitive reign as champion. They just launched Rude into the top tier immediately after his debut and never looked back with him. ***

WCW World title: Lex Luger v. Rick Steiner

Notably, Scott Steiner returns here to corner his brother after months of injury. Steiner takes Lex down to start a few times, with Lex quickly retreating to the ropes each time. Lex tries a headlock and gets overpowered as a result, with Rick hitting a powerslam for two before clotheslining Lex to the floor. Back in, Lex goes to the eyes, but Rick suplexes him for two. Lex distracts the ref and crotches Rick on the top rope to take over, hitting him with a clothesline as we get a closeup of his swollen eye. Not sure when that happened but OUCH. Rick blocks a suplex and hits his own, but Lex slams him and drops an elbow for two. He tosses Rick for some abuse out there and back in for two. Lex is just so dull and unmotivated here, slowly wandering around between spots and not moving with any kind of urgency. Rick comes back with a powerslam for two and goes up with a flying bulldog for two, but Lex is in the ropes. Mr. Hughes runs in and Scott hits the ring and takes him out with the Frankensteiner, but Rick goes after Harley Race in the chaos, allowing Luger to hit him with the belt and pin him to retain at 11:28. Luger looked completely out of it here but Rick was working hard enough to make it watchable. **

Well the main event wasn’t great but the rest really felt like a much-needed shot in the arm for WCW at the time, adding Rick Rude and Ricky Steamboat to the mix as big stars and starting to push new faces like Cactus Jack as actual threats. Top tier Clash show during a time of rock bottom for WCW.