The SmarK Rant for UWF Fury Hour #1

The SmarK Rant for UWF Fury Hour #1

Originally written 11.25.25

So it’s come to this. Time for Uncle Herb.

Taped from Reseda, CA, on 09.24.90. I have no idea of the actual airdate of this, though.

Your hosts are Herb Abrams & Bruno Sammartino, and Bruno is THRILLED to be in front of that green screen.

Dr. Death Steve Williams v. Davey Meltzer

Yup, our very first match sees Doc squashing a jobber with a very familiar name. Apparently he’s spoofing some kind of writer? It’s a pretty subtle reference. Doc beats him down in the corner and carries him around the ring in a military press before slamming him and putting the boots to him. “It appears that he’s mocking Meltzer” notes Herb. Doc slugs him down again and puts the boots to him, as Meltzer desperately tries to apply his devastating finisher, the RUN-ON DEATH SENTENCE. Sadly he can’t get any traction and Doc hits him with a pair of shoulderblocks and finishes with the Oklahoma Stampede at 3:41. FIVE STARS. Would’ve been seven in the Tokyo Dome. And then he shoves a piece of paper in Meltzer’s mouth, perhaps a DIRT SHEET? Better read the newsletter to find out.

Cactus Jack v. David Sammartino

Bruno admits that, yes, David is his son, thus shattering kayfabe right away. David is notably leaner than we saw in the WWF, looking nothing like himself and thus wasting any small bit of nostalgic appeal he might have had. Jack was coming off his disappointing initial WCW run where he killed himself taking bumps off the apron every night and got nowhere, and then left and reinvented himself as an indie god. David gets a rollup for two and we get inset promos from both guys, and 1990 Cactus isn’t exactly prime Mick Foley as far as promos. David goes after the arm with a hammerlock and works on that, but Jack takes him to the corner for a beating before charging and missing. Back to the hammerlock for David as the 400 people in the audience sit in silence and they overdub crowd noise to compensate. Jack runs him into the corner to break and they take it to the floor, where Jack drops him on the railing and we take a break and learn about the UWF merchandise catalog. Back with Jack doing a chinlock for a long ass time, and then Jack cuts off a comeback with an atomic drop. Jack takes him to the floor with a Cactus Clothesline as David might as well be a tackling dummy for as much as he’s doing in this match. David reverses a suplex on the floor and makes a comeback in the ring with generic offense and a small package that gets two. But then Jack puts him down with a neckbreaker and David is struggling to get his wind. They fight over a backslide and that gets two for David. They slug it out and David just has nothing going on with his offense, and does little more than chops and kicks. Finally Jack just attacks the referee and draws a DQ at 13:00. This started medicore and just kept getting worse and worse, as David just had no natural charisma or timing in there. ½*

Billy Jack Haynes v. Spitball Patterson

Spitball is longtime WWF jobber Tim Patterson, and I don’t know what the new name is supposed to be referencing. Hayes is already washed up and he’s still a year away from getting repackaged in WCW as Black Blood! Patterson puts Billy down with a back elbow and works him over in the corner, but Haynes hits him with a german suplex and goes up with a jumping facejam off the middle rope. I guess that’s his big highspot? Full nelson finishes at 3:57.

Meanwhile, we go back to the initial press conference with Herb Abrams introducing Dan Spivey and B. Brian Blair as the top stars of the UWF, which leads to Spivey suddenly attacking him for no reason and storming off. Someone actually asks Spivey a question about Sid Vicious and he tries to make a comment about Sid sitting behind a desk or something, which is hilarious because Sid was getting the biggest push of his life with WCW at that point and headlining Halloween Havoc with Sting. And then Spivey himself would be back in WCW in 1991 anyway.

Captain Lou’s Corner with special guest B. Brian Blair. They’re going all in on Blair as a singles star here, as he makes bee puns. Well that’s something.

Meanwhile, Billy Jack Haynes claims to be in the best shape of his life (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) and although he loves the kids, he’s here to win.

Col. DeBeers v. Michael Allen

The Colonel works him over and hits him with a clothesline out of the corner and then gets a backbreaker for two and picks him up. He tries another backbreaker and Allen counters with a headscissors to take him down. But then DeBeers cuts him off again and hits him with the Ivan Koloff knee from the middle rope, before finishing with a DDT at 2:50. I guess we’ll see if there’s any black wrestlers in the promotion for DeBeers to have a lazy feud with.

Paul Orndorff v. Riki Ataki

Ataki was kind of a name job guy for the WWF for a bit in the 80s, but Orndorff destroys him and tosses him to the floor. Back in for a suplex and he picks him up at two before delivering a knee to the gut and finishing with the piledriver at 2:30. And then Dr. Death hits the ring and beefs with Orndorff and I don’t particularly know who’s supposed to be the babyface here. Also both guys were JUST coming off a WCW run where they were clearly B-show midcarders at best, so it was kind of early to suddenly portray this as a dream match that meant anything. Same with Cactus Jack. Taking a bunch of guys who were second rate stars doing jobs on national TV with WCW and then immediately turning around and trying to portray them as top tier stars, while playing the exact same characters, is coke-fueled insanity. Fans can be forgiving but they’re not stupid. You can take one or maybe two of those kind of guys and rehab them with a new package, but not the entire roster.

Dan Spivey v. B. Brian Blair

Truly a main event at high school gyms anywhere in the country. Spivey repeatedly chokes Blair out and puts the boots to him. Neckbreaker gets two. Blair makes a comeback and Spivey chokes him out again in the corner, but Blair bulldogs him and does some clotheslines to put him down. They fight to the floor and battle to a double countout at 6:10. This is only the FIRST SHOW for the promotion and already they’re doing screwjob finishes in both the featured matches on TV. Great start. Herb thinks a rematch is in order.

Next time: Billy Jack v. Col. DeBeers! Apparently they already hate each other for some reason.

I gotta tell ya, it’s pretty bad, but I was expecting more in the way of batshit crazy insanity and nonsense based on the buildup. But hey, I know it gets sadder and weirder later, so we’ll see where it goes from this mediocre start.