The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 01.20.97

WCW MONDAY NITRO!

– Live from Chicago, IL

– And right away they’re coming out swinging, as Randy Savage returns after a hiatus that has lasted since Halloween Havoc 96. (ie, his contract expired and WWF wouldn’t take him back.) He stages a sit-in and threatens to stall the program unless he gets someone in authority. Chavo Guerrero attempts to start the show and gets smacked around for his troubles, and then Chavo’s opponent, Maxx Muscle, also gets in Savage’s face and comes out the worse for it. Finally, Sting rappels from the ceiling and, after teasing some excitement, calms Savage down and leads him away. Even in the rafters, Sting was still a gullible moron.

Alex Wright v. Chris Jericho

Jericho survives an attack from Wright to start, and shoulderblocks him down for two. Jericho misses a charge and Wright gets a leg lariat and drops an elbow. Elbow in the corner, but Jericho slugs out of a boston crab attempt and rolls him up for two. Another rollup gets the pin.

(Chris Jericho d. Alex Wright, rollup — pin, 2:22, 1/2*) Barely even a match, and what there was, was sloppy as hell.

Scotty Riggs v. “Sting”

I love how the fake Sting is just another member of the roster now. Riggs attacks him while he’s “owwwing” and pounds away on the mat. Backdrop, but Sting stunguns him to set up a backbreaker for two. Blind charge misses and Riggs gets a missile dropkick, but Buff Bagwell distracts him and it’s the nWo Finish.

(Scotty Riggs d. nWo Sting, outside interference — DQ, 2:46, 1/2*) They should have just blown off the super-gay American Males feud on Nitro and had Bagwell go on to do something useful at the PPV instead of wasting time with this stuff.

Jeff Jarrett & Eddie Guerrero v. Arn Anderson & Steve MacMichael

Uh, why? Was this “pick matches out of a hat” week? Arn elbows JJ down as Tony notes that this is the biggest crowd in 1997 to see a pro wrestling show in the city of Chicago. Considering that we’re 20 DAYS into the year, that’s not really a huge point to brag about. Eddie takes Arn down with an armbar, so Arn brings Mongo in, and he overpowers Eddie for the big hometown face pop. Press slam, but Eddie reverses to an armdrag and dropkicks him. Mongo dumps him, and they head back in where Jeff comes in and slams Arn. Dropkicks for the Horsemen, but Eddie runs away from the match as AA hits the spinebuster on Jarrett and the Horsemen proceed to double-team Jarrett unopposed until Debra throws in the towel. Er, sash. What kind of shitty-ass shit is this?

(Anderson & Mongo d. Jarrett & Guerrero, submission?, 3:41, *1/4) Perhaps you have to be smoking WCW’s crack to fully appreciate what the fuck any of this is supposed to mean. Speaking of which, we follow with another non-sensical Horsemen interview, which is mainly Nancy and Debra taking potshots at each other.

WCW Cruiserweight title: Ultimo Dragon v. Dean Malenko

Dragon works a wristlock to start and kicks him down, but walks into a powerslam that gets two for Dean. Blind charge hits boot, but Dean recovers with another powerslam for two. Brainbuster gets two. Dragon takes him into the turnbuckle and tosses him, but misses a pescado. Back in, Malenko tries an electric chair, but Dragon reverses to a sunset flip for two. Another blind charge misses and they fight on the top, with Dragon bringing him down for two. Dean gets a leglock, but Dragon makes the ropes and rolls him up for the pin.

(Ultimo Dragon d. Dean Malenko, Majastral cradle — pin, 4:12, **) Not enough time to develop and as usual they wouldn’t shut the hell up about the nWo. Dean would win the title the next night at the Clash.

WCW TV title: Steven Regal v. Jacques Rougeau

Lockup to start and they trade off on the arm, but Robert Parker trips up Regal and Jacques stomps him down and out. Parker adds another cheapshot and Jacques beats on him outside. Back in, Regal grabs a headlock, but gets tripped up again and Jacques attacks from behind. Parker then comes in and it’s a DQ. What IS this show?

(Regal d. Jacques Rougeau, outside interference — DQ, 1:46, 1/2*) Not even a match.

Kevin Sullivan v. Chris Benoit

They immediately brawl into the crowd and up into the bathroom, not even bothering to go to the ring. Benoit goes into a sign above the urinals, but he breaks off the plexiglass and hits Sullivan with it. Back to the ring and Sullivan gets the ICE COLD SODA OF DOOM, and they head up. Benoit tries a superplex, but Sullivan punches him down. Benoit tries another suplex, but Sullivan goes low, and they butt heads and both are out. Jimmy Hart gives Kevin the bell and Benoit goes up, but headbutts the bell as a result.

(Kevin Sullivan d. Chris Benoit, bell — pin, 1:58, **1/2) Only two minutes of actual match, but the whole thing ran a good 8 minutes and was pretty entertaining stuff. This was really just there to promote the rematch at the Clash of the Champions the next night. I wish they’d show THAT on 24/7 to go along with this instead of jumping around to coincide with whatever silly theme o’ the month. Although quickly checking the results, it sounds like a pretty shitty show, so I rescind the request. (Well I guess I can post THAT next, since WWE Network in fact has all the Clashes.)

Jim Duggan v. Pierre Ouelette

Eric Bischoff and Kevin Nash take over on commentary here, which should give us our share of insider jokes and smug comments. Duggan dumps Pierre , but Jacques comes out and distracts Duggan long enough for Pierre to beat him down and take over. Legdrop gets two. The Steiners also join us and Scott hits Pierre and allows Duggan to pin him with the taped fist. I never got how that’s supposed to work.

(Jim Duggan d. Pierre Ouelette, taped fist — pin, 2:00, 1/4*) Again, just building up to the Steiners v. Quebecers at the Clash, which only lasted like 5 minutes in itself.

Masa Chono v. Dave Taylor

Chono boots him down for two, but Taylor fights back with forearms. Chono with the backslide, but Taylor escapes and dropkicks him, then knocks him to the floor with an axehandle. They brawl on the floor and Taylor sends Chono into the railing. Back in, Chono with the Mafia Kick and STF to finish.

(Masa Chono d. Dave Taylor, STF — submission, 2:34, *) Yawn. I like Chono, but they were really shoehorning him into a position that he didn’t fit into at this point.

Scott Hall v. Booker T

Kevin Nash notes that he wrestled Hall in this very building (at Summerslam 94, in case you’re wondering) and he was thinking of that while watching “that mess of a PPV last night”. Given the PPV that they’re promoting on this show, I wouldn’t talk. Nash then tops himself by noting that he hasn’t seen so many black shirts in this arena since the 1977 Foghat tour. Nice reference there, Bobby Heenan. Booker smacks Hall and sidekicks him, and gets an elbow and another sidekick, for two. Hall catches him with the blockbuster slam and they go up, but Booker sends him down and follows with a high cross for two. Nick Patrick’s count is pretty slow, of course. Hall attacks him and the Outsider Edge ends it quickly.

(Scott Hall d. Booker T, Outsider Edge — pin, 2:47, *1/4) Booker was nothing at this point, so this was pretty much a Hall squash.

Stevie Ray v. Lex Luger

Nash’s hit-or-miss commentary swings to the good again, as he notes that “I COULD look like that, but then I’d have to give up too many things that I enjoy.” Stevie attacks to start and slugs away in the corner, but Luger fires back and they brawl outside. Sherri, a babyface in the last match, suddenly goes heel and chokes Luger out with her scarf, and Stevie gets a big boot back in the ring. Luger suddenly powerslams him and finishes with the rack.

(Lex Luger d. Stevie Ray, torture rack — submission, 2:21, 1/2*) The parade of crappy matches continues.

And we finish with Hulk Hogan talking about how he’s going to beat the Giant at Souled Out, and Giant runs out as WE’RE OUT OF TIME. Thank god.

The Winner: Clearly RAW kicked Nitro’s ass this week, as Nitro was a sprawling and pointless show with endless 3 minute matches and RAW was focused like a laser beam on Hart v. Austin.