The SmarK Rant for NWA Worldwide – 03.29.86

The SmarK Rant for NWA Worldwide – 03.29.86

Originally written 04.09.26

Taped from Greenville, SC on 03.23.86, I’m guessing.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & David Crockett

We start out by meeting Joe “Nighthawk” Coltrane, a former army veteran and assorted sportsball player that they pushed as a big star for weeks before giving up on him completely because no one gave a shit and he was terrible. This guy was Cousin Oliver Syndrome ALL DAY LONG.

Pistol Pez Whatley v. The Golden Terror

Pez takes the Terror down as they WON’T SHUT UP about Nighthawk Coltrane, and Pez hits the Terror with an atomic drop and goes to a headlock. He squeezes until the Terror is well and truly squozen, and then hits him with a snapmare and runs him into the turnbuckle. Pez stops to strut, delighted by his own handling of the Golden Terror, but that allows the Terror to fight back, so Pez finishes him with a bodypress out of the corner at 3:57. I assume Terror went and had some supper at the Golden Arches to console himself afterwards.

Tully Blanchard joins David, as JJ Dillon wonders if losing the title has changed Dusty’s lifestyle. Apparently USA Today used to document Dusty Rhodes going nightclubbing when he was National champion, but now NO ONE CARES because the Four Horsemen are where it’s at.

Jimmy Valiant v. Ron Rossi

Usual 10 second elbow and elbow squash for Boogie Woogie.

Gorgeous Jimmy Garvin joins David and he’s got a phone with him, so he can call Wahoo live on TV! So Jimmy uses David’s name and does a whole one-sided conversation gag where he asks Wahoo if he’s really a coward like everyone says. “Don’t start crying! I just want you to sign a contract to face the greatest wrestler in the world!” Sadly, “Wahoo” hangs up on him while David desperately tries not to crack up. Garvin is so great.

The Midnight Express v. Gene Ligon & Tony Zane

The MX double-teams Zane, but Tony backdrops Bobby out of the corner and bearhugs him. But then he lets go and turns around into a lariat from Condrey, before Dennis whips him into a right hand from Bobby. Over to Ligon while Cornette does sarcastic commentary at ringside, and Bobby hits him with a neckbreaker out of the corner. Condrey chokes him out on the ropes and runs him neckfirst into the top rope, and then Bobby comes in with a hooking clothesline. Dennis rubs the guy’s face in the mat as they’re just mauling these geeks and having a grand old time. Back to Zane, but Bobby goes up with a missile dropkick and he gets HANGTIME, and it’s back to Ligon again. They sucker Ligon into the corner and beat on him some more, as Condrey adds a back elbow and quips “Yee haw!” before tossing Ligon to the floor. Back in, Bobby with a neckbreaker and he drops knees on Gene’s neck and then goes up with a clubbing forearm off the top. Back to Dennis, who hits the guy with a brainbuster to finish at 6:21. This was a TREMENDOUS murderalizing of the two geeks. This was two goofs getting beaten like the proverbial rented mules.

Magnum TA joins David with his SWANKY new US title belt, and he’s pretty sure that the Russians want him to defend the US title on TV because it would the most humiliating way for him to lose it. So Magnum has read the contract and agreed to a Russian Chain Match in advance of the title match because he’s onto their plan but he doesn’t care.

Rocky Kernodle & The Italian Stallion v. Leo Burke & Thunderfoot

Rocky hits Thunderfoot with a dropkick and Stallion works the arm. Rocky, looking like a skinny Dino Bravo at this point, lets Burke in and then controls him with dropkicks and it’s back to Thunderfoot. Back to the Stallion, but Burke hits him with a cheapshot from the apron and the heels double-team Stallion. Thunderfoot with a neck vice and Burke gets a gut wrench for two. Rocky finally gets a hot tag and hits Thunderfoot with a bodypress out of the corner for two, and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA. The faces double-team Burke, but Thunderfoot loads up the LOADED BOOT OF DOOM and kicks Rocky in the head for the pin at 4:38. Fine little curtain jerker tag match here.

Dusty Rhodes joins us, calling Tully “a while honky with zoot suit and dark shades” and he’s like “The brothers know what I’m talking about!”. I don’t think anyone what he’s talking about to be honest. So Dusty puts over the beauty of Baby Doll and brags that he’s still richer than all Four Horsemen because he’s the #1 guy in Jim Crockett Promotions. Dusty Rhodes talking jive was certainly something. Better than him describing his sex adventures with Baby Doll at least.

Tony and David run down the remaining 14 teams in the Crockett Cup, such as Wahoo & Mark Youngblood, Buzz Sawyer & Rick Steiner, the Fabulous Ones, the Fantastics, Bill Dundee & Buddy Landel (!!!!) from Memphis, and many more! I’m still mad that the WWE Network cut of this show omitted Bill and Budro’s first round match.

Gorgeous Jimmy Garvin v. George South

The crowd still chants for Wahoo even though Jimmy proved that he’s a cowardly crying loser based on the previous phone call. Garvin backdrops South and finishes with the brainbuster at 1:00. As always it takes longer for Jimmy to get his ring gear off than it does to win the match, which is why we love him.

Pez Whatley joins David and backs up Dusty’s jive talk, before bringing in Jimmy Valiant, and Jimmy calls him “the best black athlete in the world”, at which point a pissed off Pez headbutts the dancing Valiant and beats the shit out of him before pulling out a pair of scissors and cutting some hair. I was wondering when we were getting to this! This was a pretty huge angle for Worldwide!

Ron Garvin v. Mike Simiani

The crowd is just shocked by the angle and still in horror at Valiant getting betrayed by Whatley out of nowhere, and Garvin finishes with Hands of Stone at 1:00.

The Russians join David and they’re still not convinced that Magnum is worthy of wrestling Nephew Nikita, so the Russian Chain match will be a test to see if TA can earn a match.

Arn Anderson v. ???

I don’t even recognize the jobber, and Arn repeatedly destroys the arm and finishes with the standing armbar at 0:44.

Pez Whatley joins David to explain his actions from earlier, and he’s gonna get everything from Jimmy, starting with a lock of his hair. And we replay the angle again, with David shrieking in horror during the attack. Pez calls Jimmy a coward, basically saying he tricked Jimmy into thinking they were friends and then turned on him to get what he wanted.

A GREAT shock angle anchors the episode this week, but don’t worry, I’m sure no one else will betray Jimmy’s trust this year.