The SmarK Rant for ECW Summer Sizzler 1993 – 06.19.93

Tod Gordon and Jay Sulli are your hosts for this. Mr. Sulli and Paul Heyman are doing the commentary, with Paul in full heel mode. This was during the VERY early days of ECW. The bingo hall looks positively bare.

ECW TV title: Jimmy Snuka v. JT Smith
Sulli manages to annoy the shit out of me 5 SECONDS IN. We start out with stalling and an exciting headlock/shoulderblock sequence. This is total bush league stuff. Question: Does the local store in Paul E’s neighborhood have one of those “Do Not Accept Cheques From…” signs in his honor? A fan in the back keeps holding up a sign that says “Clean”. 10 points for to-the-pointedness, minus several million for style. Jimmy Snuka defies physics by moving slower than anything in the physical world, finishing the match with a piledriver and Superfly splash. 0 for 1.

First blood match: Tony Stetson v. Larry Winters
Stetson became known as the Broadstreet Bully in later years. They used to be tag partners, now they’re not. Stetson hits a very fast-paced sequence of stuff, leading to a top rope legdrop. He pulls off the turnbuckle pad and the fans chant “We want blood”. The bitter hand of irony interjects itself and Stetson goes headfirst to the exposed turnbuckle. Stetson quickly comes back and rams Winters backfirst to the turnbuckle. Winters kicks away at Stetson’s forehead, trying to draw blood. Winters is AWFUL. The Rockin’ Rebel does a run-in on Stetson’s behalf, allowing Stetson to pull an international object out of his tights and nail Winters to draw blood for the win. The Winters-dominated portion was pretty bad, but we’ll be generous and go 1 for 2.

Catfight: Peaches v. Tigra
Peaches is Lori Fullington, wife of the ex-Sandman. The referee is Kevin Christian, son of Jerry Lawler. The match proceeds as crappily as you’d expect, some clothing gets ripped out, and Tigra tries to run. She gets chased back in by Angel, who is no one of note. The match gets thrown out, but Rockin’ Rebel and Tony Stetson run in and pull the top off of the new girl, revealing a set of HUGE puppies. Well, the match stunk, but there WAS gratuitous nudity, so we’ll go 2 for 3.

ECW TV title match (again?): Jimmy Snuka v. Tommy Cairo
Paul E. has left the broadcast booth and joined Snuka at ringside. Terry Funk replaces him on color. No explanation as to why Snuka is wrestling twice is ever given. Snuka stalls to start, complaining about hair pulls. Cairo comes with a pair of armdrags and a nice leg lariat. Snuka is like, “None of this wrestling shit in MY matches” and goes to work with Memphian eye-pokes and chops. Cairo comes back again with some really nice, crisp stuff, prompting Snuka to bail and stall again. Man, it’s SO obvious that Cairo is carrying this thing. Paul E trips Cairo and Snuka gets the pin. Snuka just dragged it down too far and it was only about 5 minutes long anyway. 2 for 4.

Street Fight: The Sandman v. The Rockin’ Rebel
Rebel has a t-shirt that says “I had Peaches” on the front and “She was the pits” on the back. In a truly surreal moment, Sandman uses “Surfin’ USA”. Seriously. Sandman whoops ass for a couple of minutes but the Rebel blocks a cross-corner whip with a foot to the head and hits a bulldog off the top. Then…he…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…rips Sandman’s shirt off. MY EYES! I’M BLIND! They fight to the outside and Sandman uses a chair (a chair? In ECW?) to take control and hits something off the top rope, wiping out the referee. Tony Stetson interferes, but Sandman comes back with an Erik Wattsian dropkick off the top, and some chick comes in (she’s never named) and hairsprays Sandman, allowing Rebel to get the pin. I hate this Eddie Gilbert Memphis overbooking shit. 2 for 5.

Dick Murdoch v. Dark Patriot #2
Paul E. comes out to rant about something, and Murdoch attacks him, only to get jumped by Patriot #2. The original Dark Patriot was Doug Gilbert’s evil alter ego. I don’t know who this one is. Terry Funk is having a ball cheering for Murdoch while insulting him at the same time. Funny stuff. Murdoch kicks ad punches, but the Dark One sticks…wait for it…a piece of fruit in his mask and headbutts Murdoch to take control. I almost (for a moment) fear that Murdoch will blade from the shot. I feel like making a Monty Python reference for some reason. Murdoch rolls through a slam and gets the pin. Not a great match, but Murdoch was trying really hard and Funk’s commentary was hilarious, so 3 for 6.

The Suicide Blonds & Hunter Q Robbins v. Sal Bellomo, Stevie Wonderful and Super Destroyer #1
Robbins is a Slick wannabe manager. The Blonds are Johnny Hot Body (subbing for Chris Candido) and Richard Michaels. Joey Styles (of PWI) makes his debut on color commentary…as a heel. Stevie Wonderful is a DDP-ish scrawny manager. Joey is REALLY funny insulting the fans…thank god Sulli didn’t end up as the full-time announcer. Really, really bad match with stalling six ways from Sunday, which is supposed to build anticipation for the battle of the managers. Match goes on with a couple of okay spots until Sal hits the, ahem, pizza splash on one of the Blonds for the pin. The managers were never a factor, even though conventional booking wisdom says that the heel manager goes over one of the wrestlers in this situation. Oh well. 3 for 7. Sulli wishes Joey goodbye and hopes they can work together again. I’m pretty sure that Sulli never did another show after this.

Chain match: Terry Funk v. Eddie Gilbert
Looooooooooong stall to start as they feel each other out for a few minutes. I’ve *never* understood the appeal of this gimmick. They do some token “try to touch all four corners” spots and then start brawling outside. Funk blades off a shot to the table. Not a very good one, either. Gilbert follows suit later. They fight to the entrance and back to the ring. John Finnegan gets wiped out and Kevin Christian takes his place. Terry drags Eddie to all four corners, but Paul E was arguing with the ref. Gilbert nails Funk from behind with a chair and drags him to all four for the win and the “King of Philadelphia title”. It was no Sting v. Vader, that’s for sure. 3 for 8. Tod Gordon fires Kevin Christian, who promptly casts his lot with Paul E Dangerously and Eddie Gilbert.

The Bottom Line: Eh. Just another indy promotion at this point, and I really hate Gilbert’s booking style. Not worth getting.